Hello, thoughts appreciated

[Antipodista]

@LKC probably not, as it would signal the end of my relationship if we did stay as my husband would never forgive me. It’s a very difficult time.

[LKC]

Gosh, that's tough.  Would you be moving back to the same place, or could you try somewhere different?  Perhaps you might feel differently if you are in a different part of Australia.  Would this be a compromise you and your husband would be willing to make?

[Antipodista]

14 minutes ago, LKC said:

Gosh, that's tough.  Would you be moving back to the same place, or could you try somewhere different?  Perhaps you might feel differently if you are in a different part of Australia.  Would this be a compromise you and your husband would be willing to make?

Possibly, but I can’t see that a different area would make much of a difference. Plus my husband would like to be close to his parents. No one said it was easy! Thanks for your support, it’s nice to hear from others who feel the same so we know we aren’t all going mad!

[Questions]

16 hours ago, LKC said:

 @Questions do you think your husband would be open to setting a deadline by which, if things haven't improved with some effort to try to settle on your part (joining clubs/groups etc with your child for example), he would start to think about moving back?  It is pretty easy to set things up again here if you've been away.  The only thing we had trouble with was proof of address in the first few weeks, because we had no bills etc and the bank we chose wouldn't accept our tenancy agreement.  Once we both had driving licenses at the correct address, it was easy.

Hi LKC. Sounds like you've been through a lot - I have read a few of your posts. I'm glad to see you're happy however.

We have agreed in 18th months we will make a decision. I know it is very beneficial to immerse yourself into this life - I am actively participating - making friends, attending playdates, visiting different places  - trying to get work. He says he knows my mind is made up - I say I am open to the 'wow, I'm here this is great' moment if I ever felt settled here but I'm almost confident, between you and I, that that moment won't happen. As I say, I am open to it however, it's not a closed door. Life could be full of changes.

Thanks for the advice about restarting up life again in the UK, good to know.

[Questions]

18 hours ago, Antipodista said:

Hi @Questions

I am in the same position as you but the other way around (being under pressure to move back to Aus as we had an agreement that we would only be in the UK for two years) and am suffering major panic attacks as a result. I am so so happy in the UK and I didn’t realize how unhappy I was (in Oz) until I was happy here (in UK). Which my husband cannot understand at all - neither can I sometimes! I think I shoved down the unhappiness because everyone says Oz is a much better life but it wasn’t for me - it was harder. 

I just wanted to offer a hug and say you aren’t alone. You will get some brilliant advice and support from some of the forum members on here. Please feel free to PM me anytime as I know exactly what you are going through.

 

Thanks Antipodista

Sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. I read that your husband won't agree to stay. It is so hard. You, like me I'm sure, are very aware this is a partnership and everyone's feelings and thoughts matter. It's just so hard when one of you wants to be somewhere and the other doesn't. Thank you for your hug - here's a hug back in solidarity! Let's hope all works out well for all of us.

[Questions]

Thank you everyone for your comments. I'm really pleased my friend alerted me to this site. It has been great to get my thoughts off my chest and to hear other's opinions.

[Marisawright]

17 hours ago, Antipodista said:

probably not, as it would signal the end of my relationship if we did stay as my husband would never forgive me. It’s a very difficult time.

@Antipodista, if I'm understanding it correctly, your situation is:

- You love your husband SO much, for his sake you're willing to live in misery for the next 30, 40 or 50 years.

- Your husband loves you SO much, for your sake he's willing to live in misery for ....2 years?

Isn't there a bit of an imbalance there?  I know you made a deal - but when you made it, you didn't fully realise how badly you felt in Australia.  Now you know how important it is to your sanity, IMO you need to point out that imbalance and ask him if he thinks it's fair.  You deserve an extension of time, and you should dig your heels in until you get it. 

Don't let him tell you he has to go back for the sake of his parents.  That means he's saying, "My parents' happiness is more important than yours".  Obviously they're not in desperate need of his care, or he wouldn't be in the UK now. By all means agree to go back when they become infirm, but they don't need him right now.  

You don't have to refuse to go back, just demand that he even the score.  You're going to give him 40 years, so he can give you 5 or 10.  That's still a pretty bad deal for you, but it's a load more than you have now!

My big concern, though, is what could happen in the future.  If he's the kind of person who will hold a threat over your head ("if you don't come back to Oz I'm going without you"), then if you take your child to Australia, you're giving him a huge weapon to use against you, if the relationship goes wrong.  Once your child is in Australia, you won't be able to take her back to the UK without his written permission.   We've had too many mothers on these forums, trapped in Australia for life because their vindictive husband won't let them remove their child - don't let it happen to you.

 

Edited March 6, 2018 by Marisawright

[Antipodista]

13 hours ago, Marisawright said:

@Antipodista, if I'm understanding it correctly, your situation is:

- You love your husband SO much, for his sake you're willing to live in misery for the next 30, 40 or 50 years.

- Your husband loves you SO much, for your sake he's willing to live in misery for ....2 years?

Isn't there a bit of an imbalance there?  I know you made a deal - but when you made it, you didn't fully realise how badly you felt in Australia.  Now you know how important it is to your sanity, IMO you need to point out that imbalance and ask him if he thinks it's fair.  You deserve an extension of time, and you should dig your heels in until you get it. 

Don't let him tell you he has to go back for the sake of his parents.  That means he's saying, "My parents' happiness is more important than yours".  Obviously they're not in desperate need of his care, or he wouldn't be in the UK now. By all means agree to go back when they become infirm, but they don't need him right now.  

You don't have to refuse to go back, just demand that he even the score.  You're going to give him 40 years, so he can give you 5 or 10.  That's still a pretty bad deal for you, but it's a load more than you have now!

My big concern, though, is what could happen in the future.  If he's the kind of person who will hold a threat over your head ("if you don't come back to Oz I'm going without you"), then if you take your child to Australia, you're giving him a huge weapon to use against you, if the relationship goes wrong.  Once your child is in Australia, you won't be able to take her back to the UK without his written permission.   We've had too many mothers on these forums, trapped in Australia for life because their vindictive husband won't let them remove their child - don't let it happen to you.

 

Thanks @Marisawright....I am so grateful for your support and advice. There are some fantastic individuals on this forum! 

[Questions]

Sage advice Marisawright. I do think marriages/partnerships are about compromise. It seems many aren't 50/50 and some people are ok with that. You give really good advice!

Do you, or anyone else, have any thoughts about my message right up the top with regard to jobs/BREXIT? I know no-one really knows but it is something weighing heavily on my mind. I don't know if I'm over thinking it or whether it should be something that we really need to consider?

I just discovered the like button :-)

[VERYSTORMY]

4 hours ago, Questions said:

Sage advice Marisawright. I do think marriages/partnerships are about compromise. It seems many aren't 50/50 and some people are ok with that. You give really good advice!

Do you, or anyone else, have any thoughts about my message right up the top with regard to jobs/BREXIT? I know no-one really knows but it is something weighing heavily on my mind. I don't know if I'm over thinking it or whether it should be something that we really need to consider?

I just discovered the like button :-)

You could and possibly will get a thousand opinions on this, but I will try to be as objective as possible.

Unemployment in the UK is at record lows. My company have been trying to recruit both experienced and trainee staff for some time and are seriously struggling - my project is under staffed and other projects in the company are. Interestingly we are owned by a major French company - Vinci. They have forecast that that situation is going to be the same for at least three years and it is now a major risk as it has the ability to slow projects down. We are one of the better payers and offer better benefits than most. But the staff just aren't there.

[Questions]

Thank you Very Stormy for your response. It’s very good to know you/the company you’re working for are doing well. Good to have a strong feeling of stability. I do not wish to pry, however may I know if it’s specific trained professional roles your company are seeking?

My husband is involved in the environmental industry and he saw many colleagues lose their jobs (some were very key important roles, others of varied levels) or received pay cuts due to BREXIT uncertainty/concerns as funding trickled off and ceased. I do harbour grave concerns about suitable roles being available IF we should return however I suppose it may be industry specific rather than white wash. Uncertain uncharted territory.

Thank you again for your input.

[bristolman]

I don't personally know anyone that has lost their jobs due to uncertainty about Brexit and to be fair it seems to be more about doom and gloom from those who voted remain. There has been no rumoured recession, in fact the economy is growing at 3-4 times the rate many 'experts' predicted. The fear and uncertainty in some circles seems to be based on nothing tangible and dare I say it almost wishful thinking so they can declare they were right. 

[Booma]

There is a facebook page called Brexit Job Losses that you might find helpful. 

[Questions]

Thank you for your opinion Bristolman. It’s good to hear there is stability there.

Perhaps I’m worrying about nothing however my fears do rise based on first hand experience of many of my husband’s long standing colleagues losing jobs and experiencing pay cuts directly from BREXIT concerns/uncertainty - however perhaps it is industry specific. My husband, extremely luckily, did not lose his job (although did experience a pay cut) however we did wonder if he may be affected down the line - thus we moved to Australia. 

I hope once things are smoothed out in the UK things are positive and there won’t be any further cuts for my husband’s ex colleagues, in fact I really hope they secure new roles. 

I wonder if anyone else on this forum has experienced anything first hand or if it is indeed industry specific. 

Sorry to bring this up, I don’t mean to bring things down. I just feel really unsettled here and wish to move back but this is hugely playing on my mind.

[Marisawright]

6 minutes ago, Questions said:

I wonder if anyone else on this forum has experienced anything first hand or if it is indeed industry specific. 

Sorry to bring this up, I don’t mean to bring things down. I just feel really unsettled here and wish to move back but this is hugely playing on my mind.

To be honest, your husband has direct personal experience on how Brexit has affected his industry, and I think you have to accept that as sufficient evidence.

I'd say it is industry specific.  It's quite unusual these days for someone to come to Australia and be able to earn a vastly higher salary, so his industry does sound different in many respects from other industries.

[Questions]

Good points Marisa. Perhaps you are correct on both accounts. Perhaps I am clasping at straws. Perhaps I have my head in the sand. I suppose I was trying to look for positivity, seems like other industries haven’t been affected.

Yes. He was really lucky to secure the role here. He is in a higher role, I’m not sure what the x would be if he was doing a like for like job.

Thank you everyone. This has been really helpful.

Edited March 7, 2018 by Questions

[bristolman]

30 minutes ago, Questions said:

Thank you for your opinion Bristolman. It’s good to hear there is stability there.

Perhaps I’m worrying about nothing however my fears do rise based on first hand experience of many of my husband’s long standing colleagues losing jobs and experiencing pay cuts directly from BREXIT concerns/uncertainty - however perhaps it is industry specific. My husband, extremely luckily, did not lose his job (although did experience a pay cut) however we did wonder if he may be affected down the line - thus we moved to Australia. 

I hope once things are smoothed out in the UK things are positive and there won’t be any further cuts for my husband’s ex colleagues, in fact I really hope they secure new roles. 

I wonder if anyone else on this forum has experienced anything first hand or if it is indeed industry specific. 

Sorry to bring this up, I don’t mean to bring things down. I just feel really unsettled here and wish to move back but this is hugely playing on my mind.

No worries at all, yes it could well be industry specific. We have seen an unprecedented drop in unemployment over the last few years, including the period following Brexit. Let's face it people lose their jobs in Australia and the UK for all sorts of reasons. 

My thoughts are job losses are largely fuelled by fear of what might possibly happen and once things settle down it will return to normal. 

[Questions]

1 hour ago, Booma said:

There is a facebook page called Brexit Job Losses that you might find helpful. 

My goodness! This is horrific 

[VERYSTORMY]

3 hours ago, Questions said:

Thank you Very Stormy for your response. It’s very good to know you/the company you’re working for are doing well. Good to have a strong feeling of stability. I do not wish to pry, however may I know if it’s specific trained professional roles your company are seeking?

My husband is involved in the environmental industry and he saw many colleagues lose their jobs (some were very key important roles, others of varied levels) or received pay cuts due to BREXIT uncertainty/concerns as funding trickled off and ceased. I do harbour grave concerns about suitable roles being available IF we should return however I suppose it may be industry specific rather than white wash. Uncertain uncharted territory.

Thank you again for your input.

That is very odd as I am a geoscientist and currently working in ground investigation and stabilization, but because my degree is applied and environmental geology, I can also work in environmental and am being bugged like mad from agencies with jobs in enviro consulting. Pretty much every enviro consultant south of Manchester has been sucked into HS2 which leaves all the other projects and clients scrambling and that is only going to get worse as HS2 is only 30% of the way into their enviro work. In fact we had to formally warn the consultants we use for trying to poach our staff recently

[bristolman]

41 minutes ago, Questions said:

My goodness! This is horrific 

I just had a look, the problem is when a page like that has a clear agenda it's very easy to see it as 'horrific', when they talk about the job losses and they somehow attribute them all to Brexit but totally ignore the many time more jobs that have been created since Brexit. The mention the job losses at Vauxhall but fail to mention all the jobs that have been created in the car industry in the same period. There's always two sides but these groups like to concentrate on the side that supports their view

[simmo]

10 hours ago, Questions said:

Thank you Very Stormy for your response. It’s very good to know you/the company you’re working for are doing well. Good to have a strong feeling of stability. I do not wish to pry, however may I know if it’s specific trained professional roles your company are seeking?

My husband is involved in the environmental industry and he saw many colleagues lose their jobs (some were very key important roles, others of varied levels) or received pay cuts due to BREXIT uncertainty/concerns as funding trickled off and ceased. I do harbour grave concerns about suitable roles being available IF we should return however I suppose it may be industry specific rather than white wash. Uncertain uncharted territory.

Thank you again for your input.

excuse my ignorance but what is the environment industry?

[Questions]

He was involved in timber engineering. I can only speak of our direct experiences, thus my fears. As Marisa pointed out perhaps I do need to accept the evidence. To see the wood for the trees (pun unintentional)

Edited March 7, 2018 by Questions