Unsettled

[lissyqq]

Hi All

We have been here only 12 weeks and not even got our furniture yet. Six weeks after arriving my husbands uncle suddenly passed away leaving us heartbroken as we just wasn't expecting it. My hubby decided he needed to go back for the funeral as he only has mum dad son and gran as family.

 

Since arriving back from the UK he has been really unsettled and feeling like he wants to go home. He doesn't like his job here and I think he now realises that family are precious and we are all on borrowed time. He was the one who wanted to come over to Oz and it was always his dream. I went along for the ride and thought it would be fun to give it a whirl (after all we can come back if its not what we wanted).

 

We left behind 3 grown up sons but we miss them dearly and we are a close family. I would happily go back tomorrow but I'm also happy to stay and try it a little longer, even though I cant get a job, but I know my husbands heart isn't in it no more and he worries for his gran who is 90 in December and she's lost two sons now

I'm not sure if he's dealing with homesickness or grief or both but he's deeply unhappy which makes me unhappy.

I miss my family dearly but speak on the phone every day.

 

If he's this sad should we just head home as I cant see him getting better as he sees Oz as a bad experience now due to the bereavement we had so soon after getting here. He's normally a very positive person so this is unlike him but I suppose it doesn't help that we have no furniture or home surroundings.

Anyone else been in similar circumstances, After some advice really

[CowlingAFC]

Hi.

 

After persuing my "dream" of moving to australia permanently myself and my mum were in a serious accident in Bali which resuted in near death and permament disfigurement / issues / problems.

 

1 year into my big move ** was distraught. things have, and will never be the same for me here again while my mum , and other family, are still in the UK

 

I am dying to move back, but people keep saying to stay for the passport as i have more family here in australia and could come in handy in the future. I would be happy to leave...2years ago!

 

its a tough decision, but I know I want to be with family - IF i can hold out for the passport then win win I suppose

 

 

good luck

[Franklin05]

Gosh, I am sorry. That sounds so difficult and I am not surprised he feels so homesick. We have for a while known we'd be looking to return to the UK, and as a part of that I know that elderly family is a massive pull, I think a lot of people on here can probable relate to that too.

 

Have you considered if he should speak to someone, I am not sure if what visa you are on affects your medicare entitlements, but I think it might help him to ask your GP about getting some counselling, if anything just to help him through the grief. It's hard enough to grieve without the added pressure of just having migrated half way around the world and being in the position of starting your new life. Through all the things that have gone wrong here for us, and there have been some massive bumps along the way, we've always tried to consider if we would regret things if we didn't keep trying, but there does comes a point where you have to realise that you're flogging a dead horse. Talking to someone might help him to reach some decisions and rationalise things. Waiting lists and the process of getting to talk to someone here is much easier than in the UK.

 

Wishing you all the best.

[BlueKangaroo]

I'm sorry have no advice, but just want to send a hug and empathize! I've been here 4 months and also have moments of desperately wanting to return home. From all the people I have met I think this is 'normal' and many have said they spent the first couple of years having moment of wanting to go home.

 

I am trying to conquer this by thinking I will aim to stay for a year as now we are here we might as well give it a good go! Then I will evaluate how I feel. If I'm having a particularly bad day I think I will stay till at least Feb so as to miss the worst of the UK winter - I think it would be a bit miserable to sit through those grey dark days.

 

I don't think it's helped the the UK has had some beautiful weather and now seems to be recovering from Brexit.

 

So no real advice, but I completely get it! Hopefully someone will be along with better advice for you.

[suesmalls]

I am very sorry to hear about the loss and my condolences to the family.

 

You have only been here a very short while and no furniture, so no familiar surroundings or comfort at all. Would be early days to return however I have not been in this position so cannot really comment other than to say please try and talk to professionals and remember what were your reasons for coming in the first place? What did you want to try, what part of Australian life appealed to you and have you given it time to experience and enjoy those things. Did you want to try and at least see what the Australian summer is like and let work prospects and details settle?

 

Not knowing anything about your visa or status, will this jeopardise any potential future return etc?

 

Lots of talking together and keeping each other strong through this time is needed regardless of what the outcome shall be. But of cause if you are close family, I guess one thing to consider is what then still made it worth the change - there must have been something that appealed about coming over here (and was it always just a temporary change of living?).

 

I wish you well xx

[Bungo]

It seems to me like he is still going through the bereavement process and it could be rash to make a decision at this time. You go back now and in six months he could be saying "why didn't we give it longer". You might even find yourself ping ponging which really is a big waste of time and money. I think I would say to him that now is not the right time to make a decision but let's review in (say) 6 months / 12 months or whatever. Put a time frame on it.

[evets]

Sorry to hear about your husband's loss. I cannot offer advice on similar circumstances but tend to agree from your post and many other's that I have read family is precious and Australia is far far away from the UK. This makes is hard to get back easily and quickly. For me it is around 36 hours door to door.

 

As I have gotten older and now hearing my Dad going on about his time running out, I have similar feelings.

 

Your hubby could still be in mourning and feeling unsettled. Being in a job he does not like is not going to help his situation, and you not being able to get a job just adds fuel.

 

Are you PR? Could you hang on long enough to apply for citizenship, so if you change your minds in the future you still have the option to return.

 

But being in a job he dislikes and being so far from family are probably more important to his own state of mind and well being and of course your well being. The longer you leave it, it could just get worse and you both end up never wanting to return.

 

Good luck with your decision.

[lissyqq]

Hi

 

I have told him that I have set a date for us to review the situation after Christmas and if we feel that we are not ready to decide at this time then we just simply move the date forward. From doing this he has told me that he feels a lot better knowing that we can decide in a few months. I guess its just preparing your mind that its not forever. I have really bad days but most of the time have been upbeat and positive (even though I cant find work and spend most days sitting round the house looking at all the bare walls and surroundings. I have got myself out and met friends and listen to others and also researched the homesickness so know what to expect. Its very easy to put the UK rose coloured glasses on I guess!!!

[suesmalls]

Glad to hear there is some positivity and good update - you're working towards a plan and as you say knowing you can see how things go and make decisions later may take some heat out of it.

 

Hope the furniture comes soon so you can see what living is like with your familiar home settings around you - then at least you won't be staring at blank walls (well maybe).

Good luck with the job situation for yourself; I think that would help change things for yourself and hopefully improve your outlook with socialisation and of cause income.

Wishing you well xxx

[lissyqq]

Glad to hear there is some positivity and good update - you're working towards a plan and as you say knowing you can see how things go and make decisions later may take some heat out of it.

 

Hope the furniture comes soon so you can see what living is like with your familiar home settings around you - then at least you won't be staring at blank walls (well maybe).

Good luck with the job situation for yourself; I think that would help change things for yourself and hopefully improve your outlook with socialisation and of cause income.

Wishing you well xxx

 

Thank you! I will keep you posted Its strange but as soon as you talk about it the negative feelings seem to ease and you start looking forward again

[suesmalls]

that is so true - and good on you opening up - no doubt there will be others who read and feel similar. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to love everything immediately. It's most unfortunate there was a family loss and I feel for you.

 

From the reading I'm doing on this forum there is always mixed feelings about whether to stay in Australia or return and there is always pros and cons. Everyone has a different set of unique circumstances so hopefully others can offer their story rather than their opinion based on their situation as it may not be suited to your circumstances. xx

 

Either way this goes I hope you can find some nice things to do in Australia and enjoy some experiences.

[Melbpom]

Hi Lissyqq, we're about to get some really nice weather, how about just exploring this new land? Why not go on lots of weekends away, they needn't be expensive, on site vans are cheap and if you're in to camping all the better. This is what we did, every weekend a new destination, some times we just got in the car and drove and ended up somewhere.

[lissyqq]

Hi Lissyqq, we're about to get some really nice weather, how about just exploring this new land? Why not go on lots of weekends away, they needn't be expensive, on site vans are cheap and if you're in to camping all the better. This is what we did, every weekend a new destination, some times we just got in the car and drove and ended up somewhere.

Hi

 

This is my plan we came here to have an adventure so I'm going to make it one. We just need to get out there and explore more and remember why we came here in the first place

[Quoll]

They reckon that you shouldn't make big life changes immediately after big life stresses so setting a DD (Decision Date) for just after Christmas is a good move! The only reason I could think for moving back (and in this case it would be moving back) would be if you could move back to what you had - job, house, schools etc and the disruption would be minimal otherwise it can be an adventure and you can move on from it later.

 

So sorry for your family's loss, it's not easy to handle at the best of times but at a distance it feels worse!

[Chortlepuss]

A great approach to keep your options open. It's bound to be a sad and challenging time for a little while, but you've made all that effort to come - and nothing has to be forever - Spring is a lovely time to be in Australia. When I first moved to Australia I kept seeing people I 'knew' everywhere... despite logically knowing that there was no sensible way it could be them, I think I was desperately seeking familiarity and comfort - Was told this was part of the grieving process and that it would pass... and it did....

[Bristol Chris]

I echo what others have said, I am really sorr y to hear your news and I sincerely hope you and your husband will be ok.

 

I do think, why not set a time frame. If your furniture is already on the way, it will make you feel more 'at home' once settled in. You've come a long way (in many ways) and you are there. No-one could have forseeen the passing of close relatives, but there wer always going to be good and bad days when you make such a huge move.

 

I guess the answer is, what are you relaly looking for in life? Where you woudl really honestly like to be in 5 years time?

 

Set a xx timeframe - say 10 months and if you're stil not happy then think what is the best option for you both. Maybe it will be to stay or maybe it will be to go.

Rather than just pack up and go, and waste the money and effort in getting there.

 

Big decisions shouldn't be made just now, you're dealing with grief and all other emotions. Give yourselves some space.

[bunbury61]

Hi All

We have been here only 12 weeks and not even got our furniture yet. Six weeks after arriving my husbands uncle suddenly passed away leaving us heartbroken as we just wasn't expecting it. My hubby decided he needed to go back for the funeral as he only has mum dad son and gran as family.

 

Since arriving back from the UK he has been really unsettled and feeling like he wants to go home. He doesn't like his job here and I think he now realises that family are precious and we are all on borrowed time. He was the one who wanted to come over to Oz and it was always his dream. I went along for the ride and thought it would be fun to give it a whirl (after all we can come back if its not what we wanted).

 

We left behind 3 grown up sons but we miss them dearly and we are a close family. I would happily go back tomorrow but I'm also happy to stay and try it a little longer, even though I cant get a job, but I know my husbands heart isn't in it no more and he worries for his gran who is 90 in December and she's lost two sons now

I'm not sure if he's dealing with homesickness or grief or both but he's deeply unhappy which makes me unhappy.

I miss my family dearly but speak on the phone every day.

 

If he's this sad should we just head home as I cant see him getting better as he sees Oz as a bad experience now due to the bereavement we had so soon after getting here. He's normally a very positive person so this is unlike him but I suppose it doesn't help that we have no furniture or home surroundings.

Anyone else been in similar circumstances, After some advice really

 

God bless you lissy ....

 

Some people leave the u.k ,move abroad and never look back

Some people leave the u.k.,move abroad and then look back at what they had from afar as everything suddenly comes into sharp focus .

 

I loved Australia ,and had no issues at all ....australia was very good to me

....BUT ....as I waived my parents off ,as they flew back to the u.k ,leaving all 6 grandchildren in oz ,I realised that was never right in a million years ...and 20 years on ,back in the u.k , i know I had made the right move by returning .

 

Australia is not " one size fits all " ...you are not a failure for putting family first ....in fact I would Say its a completely natural reaction .

All the best ...hope all goes well