Banana707 Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 Hi all, I live have lived in Brisbane for 7 years. At first I loved it but now the I am just finding the distance too far from friends and family. I have a few friends here but most of them have now moved to other states and so I only see them once or twice a year. I love my job and the weather etc is amazing but the pull of home gets stronger each year. My fiancé however loves it here. We have been together almost 12 years and he wants me to just focus on our life here. He gets frustrated with how home sick I get. I am really not sure what to do as whilst I could stay here a few more years I really can't see that I could stay here forever. My parents are getting older and I want to spend more time with them. i don't know what to do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JockinTas Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 There are more than a few posters on this forum who have been, or are still going through this dilemma. Just read through the 'Moving Back To The UK' thread. I don't anybody can give you the answer you are looking for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dxboz Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 Once you start feeling this way I think the feeling just gets stronger. Why not go back for an extended holiday and see how you feel? I would make sure you get your citizenship first if you have not already done so. Think you have got to go with your gut feelings on this one. Good luck with your decision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 No-one can give you the answer but many have faced the same dilemma. I guess underlying is also parallel problem of how either decision effects your relationship and if you are ready to make the choice (if your partner does not want to return) of leaving the relationship and going back to family/friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 Another rock and hard place discussion I fear. Sometimes life turns into a people vs places discussion and if your fiancé is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with then you may have to bite the bullet and decide whether you are prepared to take the least worst option and spend the rest of your life with him but in a place you don't belong. As always, I would suggest relationships counselling to see whether this is something your relationship can weather. I would be extremely hesitant, though, about going forward with marriage and kids until you've got it totally sorted. Get your citizenship if you haven't already and keep your options open. Good Luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 If you've not got kids but they are hopefully going to be part of the equation in the future for you both, decide where you want to be before having them. Place and other loved ones over your partner. That desire to be back there may prove too great and you can't always fight it or live with it and be happy where you are. It can eat away at you. Its a tough one and only you can decide. I do agree with quoll pretty much fwiw, especially about the counselling and holding off having a family (if you had planned on starting one at some point). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Banana707 Posted December 28, 2015 Author Share Posted December 28, 2015 Thanks for the comments. It's good to talk about it. We have citizenship and no kids so that's good. I am 36 though so running out of time although not sure if that's something we want anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adelenaylor Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 I feel for you, I've been here 11 years and I'm missing home and everyday gets harder... I am in the middle of selling a house dur to separation and I'm still sitting on the fence as Wether I should go back or not... The only thing that's stopping me is my 20 and 18 year old boys... I think once the seeds there it will always be there and you have to go back even for 6 months and see Sent from my SM-G900I using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 Thanks for the comments. It's good to talk about it. We have citizenship and no kids so that's good. I am 36 though so running out of time although not sure if that's something we want anyway. If you are still not sure after 12 years together and now aged 36 if you want kids or not, I'd be thinking you probably don't but you could make a sort of snap decision under the pressure of that old clock ticking. And it may not be the right one or for the right reasons. Honestly, if you can see yourself in Brisbane in the long term and able to be happy there, go with it. If you really can't I'd be looking to perhaps spending an extended period back in the UK, say you (just you, not your OH I mean) a 3-6 month sabbatical from work and go see how you feel about things after a stint there. A few weeks on holiday isn't going to help IMHO, if anything those holiday trips just make things worse as its holiday mode, rise tinted's on for everyone and day to day life is out the window. After 12 years together I'd think you could cope with a period of time apart and your partner could come over for a holiday at some point if he wanted. There are no easy answers and whatever you decide someone is going to get hurt. Is you compromising yourself for the long term going to be good for your relationship or is it better to do what you want and head back to the UK and leave your partner. Or something else totally. I do think relationship counselling could help but keep in mind it may also open a whole can of worms or resentment and have you feeling even more like you want to be elsewhere. If it does, I don't think its a bad thing, if it helps you work out what you need and want in the long term, I'd view it as a good thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Banana707 Posted January 10, 2016 Author Share Posted January 10, 2016 Hi, well I have been to see the doctors are really struggling and now going to see a psychologist hopefully they can help. i think I might be able to stay here if I have more trips back to the uk. How often ten is reasonable? I don't want to use all my holiday going back especially as my fiancé had no interest in going back even for a holiday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 Hi,well I have been to see the doctors are really struggling and now going to see a psychologist hopefully they can help. i think I might be able to stay here if I have more trips back to the uk. How often ten is reasonable? I don't want to use all my holiday going back especially as my fiancé had no interest in going back even for a holiday. If you're feeling so bad it needs medical treatment, I would be sitting down and having a serious talk with your fiance. Medical treatment may help you to "cope", but it won't make the feeling go away completely. You are 36. You might live till you're 90. Your fiancé NEVER wants to go back to the UK. So that means if you agree to stay now, you'll be "coping" for the next 50 years. Is that manageable or does it terrify you? If it terrifies you, then you've GOT to fix this now. The risk is that you'll go on "coping", putting off a decision, until you're 50 or 60 - the you'll be at the end of your tether and want to leave, but you'll find it's too late, if you go back to the UK you can't get the pension and you can't afford to go back. Perhaps ask your psychologist if you can come along to a consultation as a couple, the psych may be able to get your fiance to see that this is not something where you can "pull yourself together" and that he's at risk of losing you if you don't move back. Maybe then he'll take you seriously. The other option is to see if you can take a leave of absence from your job and go back home for six months or a year. Holidays - even several weeks - are not long enough. Six months gives you time to see how it feels to really live back in the UK. You've been together long enough that you can survive a long separation. Whatever you do, forget about finding ways to cope - that's a short term solution. You need to find a solution now that will let you live a happy life for the rest of your life, not a "make do" one. I faced a similar dilemma in my previous relationship. It turned out we just wanted different things from life. I soldiered on for ten years, thinking I was "coping". Then one day I woke up and thought "I'm going to be "coping" for the rest of my life!" and I realised I couldn't face it. It is always tough ending a relationship but once I came out the other end, I knew it was the right thing to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 What Marisa said! Of course it is possible to live day to day, put on the mask and cope ..... but for the rest of your days? You have to be really really sure that this is the man you want to grow old beside before you do that. I did live the least worst option for about 10 yrs - the 20 yrs before that were just fine but in those last 10 yrs I was fortunate enough the have the cash and the time to go back 4-6 weeks whenever I needed and that was usually anywhere between 6 and 12 months. The difference between you and me is that you are young with the future ahead of you, I'm on the winding down phase. If I felt at your age like you do there is no doubt in my mind I would have gone - coping takes a lot of hard work and energy and leaves you sapped. I think the idea of a sabbatical for you in UK is number 1 - you will either come to terms that life in Aus with him is better than life in UK without him or you will decide that getting your sense of "you" back trumps everything and he can face the choice of life there with you or Aus without you. If your decision is that he is the one and Australia is "it" then you can re frame into "it's my choice to be here" rather than "he is trapping me here". Compromise is key. Good luck with the psych. Your best bet will be one that specialises in CBT or ACT in the first instance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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