Going our separate ways?

[H283]

I have lived in Perth for 7 years with my boyfriend (now fiancé).

 

He initially got a job in Perth and I followed him out. To me it was jst an adventure and not forever. I am not sure how he felt about it at the time, I guess we didn’t really discuss it (which looking back we really should have done!)

 

Anyway, 7 years later I have told him I want to move back (this is not a surprise to him - he knew how I felt all along)

 

After a lot of discussion and a visit back at Christmas he said he still wants to stay in Perth, he said he did not see anything that made him want to return.

 

I have told him this is not an option for me. We then decided the best option would be for me to return and make a go of things on my own. After say 6 months, we will then take stock and make a decision on what’s next;

Either He joins me

I return to Oz (I have said this is extremely unlikely)

We go our separate ways

 

I am planning my return for July. However - he is now saying that he will come and join me after 2 months and is planning his move back too.

 

I am confused. All along he has been adamant about staying. I know deep down he doesn’t want to come back. I really feel like we need this time apart to be ourselves and decide what we want.

 

I suppose I have accepted that this might the end for us, and in doing so am distancing myself from him, which I know is not fair. I am just confused and concerned that he is making a decision that will make him unhappy. I guess I just want him to stick to the original plan of 6 months to really give us time to decide what is right for us as individuals.

[Helz980]

I hear you!! I've spent so many months whereby my hubby was saying he wasn't coming & being downright nasty about stuff etc (see my posts on here!) & then he decides he is which puts all your thoughts into disarray because you've been planning stuff for yourself. I think that just move forward with your plans & yes it's going to be a bumpy path but when you get back you will know what needs to happen.

Best of luck! Xc

[Quoll]

It's a difficult one! My guess is that you will probably have worked out what you want within the two months - maybe that will be enough for him too. I used to take 4-6 week holidays back to UK when I lived in Aus and my DH rarely could bring himself to visit with me but I knew at the end of the holidays, without fail, that being there with him was less worse than being in UK without him. I lived with the least worst option for many years before getting the totally best option that I now have (at least for the short term). However, it would probably be best to stick to your original plan if you can - then you will both "really" know. Good Luck!

[Jacaranda]

You're the one moving back and has to start again,so in that regard I would stick to the original plan of 6 mths.He has probably tried to change it to 2 mths because maybe he feels that's long enough to be without you.I was in Australia last year for 3 mths without my husband (I went over there to spend time with family,particularly my Mum)and although initially that felt like a long time,once I got there,it went quite fast actually.Its good you know what you want hon,so press on with those plans,and like Helz,once you're home,the rest will fall into place either way.Best of luck,and stay strong.Xxx

[Marisawright]

After say 6 months, we will then take stock and make a decision on what’s next;

Either He joins me

I return to Oz (I have said this is extremely unlikely)

We go our separate ways

 

I am planning my return for July. However - he is now saying that he will come and join me after 2 months and is planning his move back too.

 

 

You are planning your return for July. He's now saying he will join you 2 months later. If it was me, I'd be reading that he's decided (like Quoll) that living with you is more important than living in his favourite country. I'd be touched. Even if he decides, after a few months, that he can't stand it - at least you'll know he tried his very best to make it work.

 

Clearly, that's not how you're reading it. Do you feel he has a hidden agenda, and if so, what could it be?

 

Or is it that you really want 6 months apart, because deep down you feel that after 6 months you'll both decide to call it quits, and that's what you really want?

[H283]

You are planning your return for July. He's now saying he will join you 2 months later. If it was me, I'd be reading that he's decided (like Quoll) that living with you is more important than living in his favourite country. I'd be touched. Even if he decides, after a few months, that he can't stand it - at least you'll know he tried his very best to make it work.

 

Clearly, that's not how you're reading it. Do you feel he has a hidden agenda, and if so, what could it be?

 

Or is it that you really want 6 months apart, because deep down you feel that after 6 months you'll both decide to call it quits, and that's what you really want?

 

I feel like I need to do something for me and to have a bit of space. To be honest, I guess I see him differently in the last few months (for a number of personal reasons I wont go into here) and am wanting him to also have some time apaert from me to decide wether he is prepared to make some sacrifices for me (and not just goegraphical sacrifices)

 

He was absolutely adamant about staying - so if I know that deep down, how do I know that he wont want to come back after a year, 5 years, 10 years (when we potentially have kids which would make the situation far worse)

 

I want him to want the same lfe that I want, and not just to want it beacuse I do. (To sum up; I love him and he is my best friend, but do I want to be with someone whose values are so different to mine?

[Jacaranda]

Well ideally you should both want the same things,especially the more important things in life.I think you're doing a sensible thing hon fwiw!6 mths will give you thinking time.Its not just his life,its yours too! Have pm'd you!

[Marisawright]

I feel like I need to do something for me and to have a bit of space. To be honest, I guess I see him differently in the last few months (for a number of personal reasons I wont go into here) and am wanting him to also have some time apaert from me to decide wether he is prepared to make some sacrifices for me (and not just goegraphical sacrifices)

 

 

I want him to want the same lfe that I want, and not just to want it beacuse I do. (To sum up; I love him and he is my best friend, but do I want to be with someone whose values are so different to mine?

 

You're saying you want him to make sacrifices for you. Then you say you want him to want the same life you want. What do you want, for him to magically change his personality? You can't force him to want what you want, there won't be a magical epiphany. The best you can hope for IS that he'll make some sacrifices for you - and in that case, it's not fair unless you also make some equivalent sacrifices for him. And that means, of course, that you may have to make those sacrifices forever.

 

What you need to ask yourself is, is that something you could do?

[Perthbum]

Plenty more fish in the sea, just do what you want to do in life, you will soon meet someone as good or even better...guaranteed.

[fizzybangs]

Sounds to me like you want to finish the relationship or this would not be a problem for you but have a small doubt so are saying 6 months. I would hate to be apart from my other half for 6 months. End the relationship and move forward. You have made your decision to return but don't stuff him around. If you end it, he can save a heap of money and get on with his life here instead of going back and then you ending it.

[Marisawright]

Sounds to me like you want to finish the relationship or this would not be a problem for you but have a small doubt so are saying 6 months. I would hate to be apart from my other half for 6 months. End the relationship and move forward. You have made your decision to return but don't stuff him around. If you end it, he can save a heap of money and get on with his life here instead of going back and then you ending it.

 

To be honest, this was the first thing that occurred to me too when I read your post. It sounded to me like you want out of the relationship but you can't quite bring yourself to tell him, so you're trying to let him down gently. Otherwise you wouldn't be upset about him wanting to follow you.

 

I think you need to wind up your courage and tell him it's over. Yes he'll be heartbroken but you will hurt him much more by letting him continue to hope - or even worse, by causing him to give up what he wants in a vain attempt to keep you. With relationships as in life, a lingering death always hurts far more than a quick one.

[H283]

I dont want to finish the relationship. We have been together for 8 years and I love him. I guess I am just preparing myself for the worst case scenario where he decides to choose Oz over me. I am scared that my feelings towards going home will break us up. I have not really been fair to him recently, I have been distancing myself which I realise now is not really very helpful.

 

We have had some really good chats recently and I think he is genuinely starting to see that going back to the UK would actully be a good thing. I know he is still not 100%, but it is better than his opionion a while back where he said 'I can't see anything that makes me want to come back'. I think a recent Skype call home where his parents, brother and nieces and nephews were all there made him realise the importance of having family around.

[Sustain]

'I can't see anything that makes me want to come back'

 

Its hard for both of you. No easy answer because someone will end up the selfish one and the other the one resenting it.

To avoid that you need to lay down some ground rules before that discussion and work out how important location is in relation to the partnership. If its above the relationship state at beginning so no confusion going forward.

[Chortlepuss]

I dont want to finish the relationship. We have been together for 8 years and I love him. I guess I am just preparing myself for the worst case scenario where he decides to choose Oz over me. .

 

This is potentially a real situation. The questions you should be asking yourself is 'am I willing to take the risk that he won't come to the UK, and 'is being in the UK without him better than being in Oz with him?' Keep your options open - you may not like it in the UK and wish to return - I would follow your heart.