duffer34 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I have been in Melbourne 7 years and just waiting on my Citizenship Ceremony to finalise a long hard slog and I am know weighing up returning to the UK as I am missing my family and the culture of Scotland/UK and Eurpore plus my parents are getting older and my younger brother is about to have his first child. I work for a large global business that will re-locate me to the UK pretty much free of charge and I will have an instant job and can get back into normal life. The only thing keeping me back is the fact I love Melbourne, the weather and the positive attitude and the potential of making a decision I bitterly regret upon return. Everyday I think about something bad happening to my parents and not being there, also I miss the European Ski Holiday having real friends and the ability to spend time with the people I love and miss. I have a little boy that is 2 and he has not mate to hang about with at weekends a most of my friends are single or living the city lifestyle. I am bored on weekends and long to have a city break in Europe. I am also staring to find the Australian business culture really unprofessional and feel my heart lies at home. This situation is making my emotions up and down every day and really starting to impact on the relationship between my partner and I as she says I need to make a plan and stick to it, but I don't want to make the wrong call. Has anyone been in the same boat or can offer me advice or has returned to find out its the best decision they have made Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miley123 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Hi Duffer We too are heading back after 7 years, for similar reasons to what you are citing with me wanting to go back and hubby wanting to stay but will return for me. The emotions you talk about are very normal, I myself go through them on a daily basis, especially now as we are about to sell our lovely home, take the boys out of school and get to the point where we can't turn back. All I can say is that for me the decision to actually move back took a while to cement itself, firstly it was a nagging feeling, then a longing, and in the end it became consuming but still I fought with the argument of staying or going every day in my head. I won't lie it is stressful and there are no certainties we are doing the right thing, but what I do know is that living with the regret of not giving it a go back in England would be worse than going and coming back again. So that's what we're doing, it does help to read on here though as others have stated it is an emotional journey even when you are sat on the plane on the way back, it's heart over head, and only time and experience will tell you where the best place to be is, but if you don't experience it how do you know? All the best to you and good luck with everything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
docboat Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Advice - see a counsellor Now, to address your questions (and you may want to stop reading here ...) - 1. This is entirely about you, and you need to address that. You cannot say your son needs friends. Go out to the local playground. Get him into play groups. Buy a dog and take the dog for walks with your son. 2. This is entirely about you. Your partner seems happy in Australia. You want to get back to family - nothing wrong with that. Does your partner miss family in the UK as much? And if not, will you drag her away from a better life here? 3. This is entirely about you. You really think Australian business is unprofessional? In the words of Monty Python ..."Oh yeah? How much?" And you now reply " .... A lot!" And so what? You need to be unprofessional too? Or is this just another excuse in the litany of trying to make up a good reason to leave Australia? 4. This is entirely about you. You think about bad things happening to parents. And if they, heaven forbid, were to experience an illness or be in peril of sudden death, this is part of normal ageing, and can be dealt with by a visit, short term employment. 5. This is entirely about you. Oh yes, the holidays. You are bored on weekends. Oh dear. Bicycling Rifle club Surfing Kayaking Hiking Join the scouts and train youngsters Parachuting Scuba diving Volunteering for disabled My God, the list could go on for ages. Bored on weekends - get a grip man! So - get some counselling. It is all about you, not Australia, not your partner, not your son, not your parents, not Europe. So any decision you make is liable to be the wrong one. Find out what is really going on - ie do what your partner says - and then communicate on your best options. It is your emotions that need attention, not your place of residence. There may be a real depressive illness going on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duffer34 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 Fair comments that brought me back into check !!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
docboat Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Fair comments that brought me back into check !!!!!! Scots together Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 There is no "wrong" decision, just the best decision on the day with the information you have on hand. Counselling may or may not work, just putting your issues to an impartial third party sometimes helps you to prioritise what is important for you as an individual and you all as a family. Actually, if you do go to counselling I think it would be important for you and your OH to have a session together so you hear what she has to say and come up with a "together" decision. If you don't make it together then you run the risk of resentment on those days where it all goes cloudy (and there will be some for sure!) There are some immutables there for you - ageing parents for starters - if they weren't an issue what would your stance be? You have a sibling so you have wriggle room with your olds, your sib can do the hard yards if need be. I tend to take the coin toss option if the pragmatics aren't clear as crystal - toss a coin and see what falls. If your gut response to the fall of the coin is "best of 3" then you know your answer I reckon. Good luck with your decision - don't burn any bridges and remember that nothing is forever! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calNgary Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 If you are really unhappy, getting citizenship, can relocate pretty much for free and are guaranteed a job when you get there, will your partner not relocate with you for maybe a year or two? Nothing says it has to be forever, you can always come back at a later date. Cal x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BacktoDemocracy Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I have been in Melbourne 7 years and just waiting on my Citizenship Ceremony to finalise a long hard slog and I am know weighing up returning to the UK as I am missing my family and the culture of Scotland/UK and Eurpore plus my parents are getting older and my younger brother is about to have his first child. I work for a large global business that will re-locate me to the UK pretty much free of charge and I will have an instant job and can get back into normal life. The only thing keeping me back is the fact I love Melbourne, the weather and the positive attitude and the potential of making a decision I bitterly regret upon return. Everyday I think about something bad happening to my parents and not being there, also I miss the European Ski Holiday having real friends and the ability to spend time with the people I love and miss. I have a little boy that is 2 and he has not mate to hang about with at weekends a most of my friends are single or living the city lifestyle. I am bored on weekends and long to have a city break in Europe. I am also staring to find the Australian business culture really unprofessional and feel my heart lies at home. This situation is making my emotions up and down every day and really starting to impact on the relationship between my partner and I as she says I need to make a plan and stick to it, but I don't want to make the wrong call. Has anyone been in the same boat or can offer me advice or has returned to find out its the best decision they have made Some good comments already given on here, one thing I would warn about is that business standards have fallen here also in the 9years we have been away so I would investigate that before making assumptions, but if you are alluding to the issue of nepotism and brown nosing that is seemingly expected from all employees below somebody senior then that is appearing here but has not reached the epidemic proportions of Oz, a friend from the uk who is in beer came over to a brewery they had taken over to talk about ideas for improving profitability and talked to senior management and had meetings etc, and was completely nonplussed by the lack of ideas and comments from anybody, even tho their jobs were potentially on the line, we then pointed out that all that was happening was that nobody knew what he thought so that they could parrot his ideas back to him and be in favour so were taking no chances. Don't know whether it's that kind of thing or just different professional standards. There are other issues which drove me to distraction around how monochrome things are and how much is structured for a common denominator and around the beach and outdoor pastimes which may not be what you want. On the downside back here the weather is lousy, the housing is expensive and education is becoming a political battleground with kids being treated like hot house plants being produced for market and society becoming increasingly polarised between the haves and have nots with the middle classes expected to take up the slack for the economy being stuck in 3rd gear whilst the well off avoid their responsibilities and flaunt it. If you are going to make the move back just be sure that the pluses out weigh the downsides because they can be pretty drastic. I wouldn't say its the best choice I've made coming back but we do feel that we now have a different set of choices open to us back here and a wider set of choices which we can keep going for longer than in Oz and there is that sense of belonging, of feeling that you know how it works and where you fit, if that makes sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chortlepuss Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Sounds like you can't really lose - great to have a job lined up and if you get citizenship you can always come back - your son is young enough for it not to matter. Melbourne is a lovely city - as are many in the UK. Some people are happy with the sun and surf and are living the dream - others miss culture, European history and proximity to Europe - all normal. I work in IT and some workplaces in Brisbane do seem pretty unprofessional to me - (mind you Ozzie friends decamped to Sydney and Melbourne citing lack of professionalism as a driver!). Over analysis just gets you anxious - make a decision to return, or try to throw yourself into life here. A young kid can open doors to new friendship circles and possibly even lead to making real friends (you're not alone with this challenge too!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BacktoDemocracy Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Sounds like you can't really lose - great to have a job lined up and if you get citizenship you can always come back - your son is young enough for it not to matter. Melbourne is a lovely city - as are many in the UK. Some people are happy with the sun and surf and are living the dream - others miss culture, European history and proximity to Europe - all normal. I work in IT and some workplaces in Brisbane do seem pretty unprofessional to me - (mind you Ozzie friends decamped to Sydney and Melbourne citing lack of professionalism as a driver!). Over analysis just gets you anxious - make a decision to return, or try to throw yourself into life here. A young kid can open doors to new friendship circles and possibly even lead to making real friends (you're not alone with this challenge too!) I think that is an excellent way to view it, at the end of the day does it suit or not, if not can you live without what you have in Oz. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jac2011 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 First advice I would give is breathe. It sounds like thoughts are racing through your mind. Secondly, you say your son is two, I am presuming he is your first. When my first was two I thought my social life was over. I knew no-one with children and I felt trapped at home in a life that had suddenly become non-existent apart from nappies and work. I never imagined that would change. However, I know it's still some time off but the minute my children went to school everything changed. We moved to an area with more children and mums the same age and I got to speak to my neighbours. I met parents at the local school and with the independence a child has at that age I had more time to start doing things for myself such as going out with my friends or my husband. I think it's time for now to embrace what you have right at this minute, in 3 years from now this stage will be over and you can never get it back. Try and enjoy that time with your little one. Try to get out some more and embrace the family elements that Melbourne has to offer. Try and meet new people. And if you still feel like this in a years time then consider relocating. But do it, knowing there will be no regrets. Know that you gave it 100%. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crackerjack Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 A wise person once said to me, don't end something until you are sure you won't want to go back. In your case if that means staying where you are, with your understandable niggles and doubts, so be it. You will have niggles and doubts in both places. Sometimes when we sit with uncertainty a certain peace comes to us and ironically it's when we feel more peaceful that we often feel on a gut level which way we should jump. At the moment you are frantic. As someone else said, breathe. No door is sealed shut. No need to panic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Advice - see a counsellor Now, to address your questions (and you may want to stop reading here ...) - 1. This is entirely about you, and you need to address that. You cannot say your son needs friends. Go out to the local playground. Get him into play groups. Buy a dog and take the dog for walks with your son. 2. This is entirely about you. Your partner seems happy in Australia. You want to get back to family - nothing wrong with that. Does your partner miss family in the UK as much? And if not, will you drag her away from a better life here? 3. This is entirely about you. You really think Australian business is unprofessional? In the words of Monty Python ..."Oh yeah? How much?" And you now reply " .... A lot!" And so what? You need to be unprofessional too? Or is this just another excuse in the litany of trying to make up a good reason to leave Australia? 4. This is entirely about you. You think about bad things happening to parents. And if they, heaven forbid, were to experience an illness or be in peril of sudden death, this is part of normal ageing, and can be dealt with by a visit, short term employment. 5. This is entirely about you. Oh yes, the holidays. You are bored on weekends. Oh dear. Bicycling Rifle club Surfing Kayaking Hiking Join the scouts and train youngsters Parachuting Scuba diving Volunteering for disabled My God, the list could go on for ages. Bored on weekends - get a grip man! So - get some counselling. It is all about you, not Australia, not your partner, not your son, not your parents, not Europe. So any decision you make is liable to be the wrong one. Find out what is really going on - ie do what your partner says - and then communicate on your best options. It is your emotions that need attention, not your place of residence. There may be a real depressive illness going on. I can't argue with the advice, counselling would be a good idea for anyone contemplating a major life change especially if you are uncertain but everything else you say would apply to almost everyone moving TO Australia. In fact I'd say it applies with bells on, it's a completely irrational choice. I agree it's not about the place - that was something I had to go to Australia to appreciate. I moved to Australia for the place (i.e a totally irrational decision) and moved back for the things that actually matter, friends and family. I have said that having awakened to the fact that happiness is a state of mind then actually I could have been equally happy in Perth but when I moved to Australia it was 'all about me' whereas returning to the UK was out of consideration for others. To the OP - I would suggest if you can moving back for a couple of years and then making a decision, your child is young enough for it not to matter. Things I would consider though are how your partner feels, does she have a strong supportive network of friends in Australia? (I am making assumptions that you are male 'Glasgow Boy' and that your partner is female - apologies if I have that wrong!) Very many women make strong bonds when they have their first baby and those bonds are not so easily made again, I don't think any two year olds have friends - what they have is the children of their parents friends to socialise with. Make sure that you are realistic about your life as a parent in Scotland - you cannot go back to the life that you had wherever you live. I think with the benefit of hindsight part of our reason for migrating to Australia was thinking 'there must be more to life than this' as parents of a young child and thinking we'd find it somewhere else. The reality is being a parent is damned hard and the research all shows that for most couples life satisfaction and relationship happiness is at it's lowest during child-rearing years (why do we do it?!). Docboat suggests lots of fun things to do - none of which you can do with a two year old in tow, and that culture you miss in Scotland and those weekends in Europe are just as out of reach (or at least completely different). The other thing to be aware of is often as parents we want our children to have the kind of childhood we had ourselves (heavily rose-tinted in our memories) but the Scotland you grew up in no longer exists. I do have to say that from age 3 my son was playing in the street with other children on our estate in Scotland (with very nervous parents hovering about!), at 5 he was walking to the local school with the other children, guising, carol singing etc. and it was a shock to me when we moved to Perth and the streets were empty, children in the neighbourhood all going to different schools and playing behind locked gates. My son had school friends but 'play dates' were pre-arranged not spontaneous. When we moved back (to a different village) we hadn't even moved into our house and children were chapping the door asking if he wanted to play out. However this is specific to where we stayed in Perth (although the same in 4 different houses across 3 suburbs) and where stay in Scotland. Were you happy in Australia before you had your son? If so, then the truth may lie more in the changes as a result of parenthood and moving won't resolve that. On the other hand if parenthood has made you grow up, realise what matters and appreciate kith and kin in a way you didn't before then come on home We migrated in 2008 and returned in 2013 and it was the best thing we could have possibly done. Our lives are so much richer in every meaning of the word. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I work for a large global business that will re-locate me to the UK pretty much free of charge and I will have an instant job and can get back into normal life. The only thing keeping me back is the fact I love Melbourne, the weather and the positive attitude and the potential of making a decision I bitterly regret upon return. I feel like smacking you round the head! There are people all over the forums in the same boat BUT they don't have the luxury of being relocated free of charge. Stop dithering, get your citizenship and just get on that plane! Melbourne will not disappear, and you'll have the right to come back any time you like. It will cost you virtually nothing to go home for a while, so what are you waiting for? Make up your mind you're going to go back to the UK for, say, 5 years and review your situation at the end of that period. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perthbum Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Advice - see a counsellor Now, to address your questions (and you may want to stop reading here ...) - 1. This is entirely about you, and you need to address that. You cannot say your son needs friends. Go out to the local playground. Get him into play groups. Buy a dog and take the dog for walks with your son. 2. This is entirely about you. Your partner seems happy in Australia. You want to get back to family - nothing wrong with that. Does your partner miss family in the UK as much? And if not, will you drag her away from a better life here? 3. This is entirely about you. You really think Australian business is unprofessional? In the words of Monty Python ..."Oh yeah? How much?" And you now reply " .... A lot!" And so what? You need to be unprofessional too? Or is this just another excuse in the litany of trying to make up a good reason to leave Australia? 4. This is entirely about you. You think about bad things happening to parents. And if they, heaven forbid, were to experience an illness or be in peril of sudden death, this is part of normal ageing, and can be dealt with by a visit, short term employment. 5. This is entirely about you. Oh yes, the holidays. You are bored on weekends. Oh dear. Bicycling Rifle club Surfing Kayaking Hiking Join the scouts and train youngsters Parachuting Scuba diving Volunteering for disabled My God, the list could go on for ages. Bored on weekends - get a grip man! So - get some counselling. It is all about you, not Australia, not your partner, not your son, not your parents, not Europe. So any decision you make is liable to be the wrong one. Find out what is really going on - ie do what your partner says - and then communicate on your best options. It is your emotions that need attention, not your place of residence. There may be a real depressive illness going on. Oz is boring though Doc no matter how much you pretend it aint. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duffer34 Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 Thanks for the comments guys, its helpful. Think I am gonna just take things day by day and not worry to much about the future and deal with the present and make the best of Melbourne cos its a hell of a lot better than Glasgow!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duffer34 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 Oh any by the way my Citizenship and re-location doesn't come easy, i have bust my ass to get me PR and having being made redundant twice in the process. The only reason my work will re-locate me free is that last year i made them $1.1 million dollars and they paid me just over 15% of that so thats why they will pay for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Well you'd better not go back to Glasgow if you feel like that about it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Well you'd better not go back to Glasgow if you feel like that about it! I agree, that was a very emphatic comment, most people who are happy when they move back describe a longing for home. I don't live in Glasgow but I remember the feeling of being home our first night out there after we came back - I literally felt taller and at the same time connected to the ground beneath my feet, I felt safer which logically was not the case but it came from feeling like I belonged and could read the streets rather than feeling like an outsider and not quite being able to read the nuances of the vibe, body language etc. I know the difference between a drunk weegie and a dangerous weegie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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