docboat Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Eek, no sorry I can't agree with that!! Once you have a child, they become priority! Husband should expect to take a back seat with a young baby. And a couples joint priority should be the welfare and happiness of their children - they brought them into the world! I see where you are coming from, but no. There is a difference between the caring for a baby - mother really should be with baby, father really should be providing. Older children - there needs to be a division of work in the caring for a child. But that is not what this is a bout. A relationship is not dependent on time spent with each other, it is about the work we put in developing the love for each other, the respect, the path together as a couple. If that breaks down, the children suffer badly. From a psychological perspective, the relationship between the couple is the primary relationship, from which all else hangs. The lack of understanding for this principle is probably behind much of the current societal misery. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 your first priority in relationships is your husband. Not your child, not your parents - it is you and your husband. That is a fundamental of relationships. If that relationship is on a solid footing, the next relationships - your children - come into focus. Then, and only then, your parents. Any other approach, and you get into more trouble. (of course, the rule is not infallible, but it is a constant) So - having put your parents before your husband, how is it working out for you? Will you continue to do that, or is your relationship with your husband more important? Or, having put your parents before your husband, are you now realising that your priorities may not have been shared with your husband, and he is now working it out on his own, hoping or you to join him, while you are figuring out what your priorities are? So the real issue you are having is one of communication - both communication between yourself and your husband, as well as your communication within yourself. Not an answer, but perhaps a line to take in sorting out for yourself where you are. Absolutely this! As for the OP your thread title says undecided about moving to Aus. I think you've already made your decision. You have put yourself your child and your parents before your relationship. Whether you were right or wrong is not for us to judge because we don't know your relationship. But it's the path you have chosen so good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Absolutely this! As for the OP your thread title says undecided about moving to Aus. I think you've already made your decision. You have put yourself your child and your parents before your relationship. Whether you were right or wrong is not for us to judge because we don't know your relationship. But it's the path you have chosen so good luck. Equally, her OH has put his desire for sun, sand and surf ahead of his relationship. It's a hard one and certainly the relationship should be at the core and that relationship is crucial for the raising of children. It sounds to me like marriage counselling would be a good idea and a compromise reached whereas he appears to have just spat the dummy and buggered off! I hadn't given thought to what had actually happened before their return to UK - if they had been living and working in Aus and still had property/stuff there, the OH could actually invoke the HC and claim that the trip to UK was just a holiday and their habitual residence was Aus in which case the OP might be well advised to consult a lawyer in case she is forced to return the child to Aus. Tricky! I still believe that bringing a child into the equation changes the dynamics - whilst I am an incredibly selfish and self sufficient person and saw nothing amiss with taking my parents' only grandchild to the other side of the world there is often a shift to seeing the value of having extended family nearby. If this decision is just because she doesn't want to upset the parents but really wants to go then they should, of course go, the parents will get used to it. If, however, it is because she wants to raise their child within the extended family of grandparents, aunts uncles etc in a familiar place because she genuinely doesn't see the appeal of an isolated future on the other side of the worldthen that really needs to be thrashed out between them. Compromise is key but in the meantime the bottom line for anyone should be not to take a child to Aus unless you are prepared to be trapped there should it all go pear shaped - unhappy reality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hotrod44 Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Go with what your heart says. if it's oz, just try to hint to your parents as much as you can what a wonderful place it would be for you and your family. It is hard - but when you do tell them - give them time for it to sink in. Then buy them an iPad - show them FaceTime service. And it will all be dandy. It's your life and it's this day n age that people travel. Just say your gonna give it a shot. One long holiday. Fingers and toes crossed for you. Ps - we came back after 1 year - and now returning in 7 weeks! Proper ping pomers!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I guess it boils down to how much you value your relationship with your husband really. You went to Australia with him once so what made you change your mind? Was it the need for support with child rearing or was it because you still feel tied to your parents? Difficult decisions to make if your relationship is shaky- and it sounds like it is from the little you say. As you will no doubt be aware there are many tales of woe where one partner takes a child and tries to leave a country without permission so if you do go to Australia you need to think of this and be prepared to give things a really good chance! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bound4Tassie Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I see where you are coming from, but no. There is a difference between the caring for a baby - mother really should be with baby, father really should be providing. Older children - there needs to be a division of work in the caring for a child. But that is not what this is a bout. A relationship is not dependent on time spent with each other, it is about the work we put in developing the love for each other, the respect, the path together as a couple. If that breaks down, the children suffer badly. From a psychological perspective, the relationship between the couple is the primary relationship, from which all else hangs. The lack of understanding for this principle is probably behind much of the current societal misery. Agree with all of that but when one partner shows they aren't prepared to do this, ie husband has buggered off without his wife and child to put his own wants first , I don't feel she should automatically follow him. IF that is what happened here. I would be extremely concerned at the state of my relationship if my husband was willing to leave his children....and what sort of person he was! My (aus) husband detests UK life but he would never put his desire to live in Aus first and leave his kids behind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foolboy Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Just going from your original post your husband sounds like a real tool. What kind of husband and father buggers off when he can't get his way. I would be staying in the UK and when he comes to his senses you can work it out as a family. Being blackmailed is no way to start your new life in Australia. Listen to the other posters bringing your child to Australia could end up with you being stuck here until your child is 18. Take it from me Australia really feels like a prison when you don't want to be here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beddy Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 You may have read this right and I may have it wrong but this reads to me that it was a family living and working in Oz returning to visit family for Christmas and one of them has not gone back after the trip. Possibly work commitments meant that they had planned to return to Oz in different dates but the husband may not have anticipated even that his wife and child would stay in the UK. You dont fly half way across the world just to tell people that you are making a move permanent surely. I read it also that they were a Family returning to the Uk after living in Oz to tell everyone that they were making the move to Oz permanently .It was the statememt made by the poster that they had a massive falling out and he went back to Oz leaving herself and their child behind . Its hard to get a clear judgement from a post and on reading know their visa is coming to an end but in my oppinion he would of been far better staying and supporting his wife and child whilst she found the courage to tell her parents . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jane71 Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Hi all sorry bit crap at this but thank you all for your sound advice. Just to clarify, we went out to oz for 1 year to give it a go but I always insisted we came back. I did love it out there but it's not just telling my parents (I did have a chat with them and "manned up") But when I think about leaving I don't actually want to give up my extended family to go and I do actually feel bullied into going as the oh nagged the first time until I caved. I love Australia and have made some great friends and work was great and if it were closer I would move tomorrow but I don't see myself settling there and with kids I think they should be settled although ideally with both parents. I feel selfish I am crapping on oh dream as our visa is about to expire but I'm afraid I'm just a homebird. If no family in uk then I would move but I have. My oh keeps harping on about the better life our kid could have which makes me feel guilty but surely quality of life is not just about being able to get outside more often cause weather is better? Sorry gone off on one now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 That's true Jane about the weather.My kids are aussies and we moved to the UK when they were 9 and 11.They are now in their 20's. Nothing changed when we moved to the UK.They still played outside,did what they used to do in Oz pretty much. I am glad you have some clarity hon and have realised where you want to be. Far worse to realise this when you have moved over there and 2 yrs down the line your OH won't let you leave with the children. I feel like your OH should of put you all first but I guess you'd know that anyway right?All the best and good wishes for a happy future. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 Hi all sorry bit crap at this but thank you all for your sound advice. Just to clarify, we went out to oz for 1 year to give it a go but I always insisted we came back. I did love it out there but it's not just telling my parents (I did have a chat with them and "manned up") But when I think about leaving I don't actually want to give up my extended family to go and I do actually feel bullied into going as the oh nagged the first time until I caved. I love Australia and have made some great friends and work was great and if it were closer I would move tomorrow but I don't see myself settling there and with kids I think they should be settled although ideally with both parents. I feel selfish I am crapping on oh dream as our visa is about to expire but I'm afraid I'm just a homebird. If no family in uk then I would move but I have. My oh keeps harping on about the better life our kid could have which makes me feel guilty but surely quality of life is not just about being able to get outside more often cause weather is better? Sorry gone off on one now Stand up to bullies I reckon. Don't be wracked with guilt over the "better life for the kids" meme - it's a furphy! Your kids will be just fine in either first world country! I've said before that both my boys - raised in the isolation of life on the other side of the world - have both independently commented in adulthood that they regret not having grown up around extended family. That surprised me and I felt a tad guilty but they are now partnered with girls from huge extended families and they are feeling the lack of "their" family. One of them has even chosen to live in UK for the better opportunities it affords him! I hope your DH sees sense and can come to appreciate that his wife and child and their welfare are more important to his life than a bit of sunshine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FOL Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 You simply can't say "I hope your OH comed to sense" without saying "I hope you come to sense". You both have feelings and both want the best for themselves and their entire family. Unforunately you two have different feelings on where most joy and prosperity should be reached. It is one of the most difficult situations and I feel for you and your husband. Never forget it's tough for both of you. Good luck and all the best! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Hi all sorry bit crap at this but thank you all for your sound advice. Just to clarify, we went out to oz for 1 year to give it a go but I always insisted we came back. I did love it out there but it's not just telling my parents (I did have a chat with them and "manned up") But when I think about leaving I don't actually want to give up my extended family to go and I do actually feel bullied into going as the oh nagged the first time until I caved. I love Australia and have made some great friends and work was great and if it were closer I would move tomorrow but I don't see myself settling there and with kids I think they should be settled although ideally with both parents. I feel selfish I am crapping on oh dream as our visa is about to expire but I'm afraid I'm just a homebird. If no family in uk then I would move but I have. My oh keeps harping on about the better life our kid could have which makes me feel guilty but surely quality of life is not just about being able to get outside more often cause weather is better? Sorry gone off on one now Personally if it was me i wouldn't be going to Australia as you have said you were bullied the first time to go. Given you don't want to have a ife in Ausralia and your OH does it would be a risk in my oppinion not worth taking. You could find yourself trapped in Australia if it doesn't work and you wanted to return and OH doesn't. Be very careful how you make your next decision. Good luck.x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jane71 Posted January 17, 2015 Author Share Posted January 17, 2015 Thank you all so much for all your comments and advice especially the comments from Quoll and Melza as I no longer feel like the worlds worst mother and wife. I have decided to stay and hope oh comes to his senses if not for me then for the kids :rolleyes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Thank you all so much for all your comments and advice especially the comments from Quoll and Melza as I no longer feel like the worlds worst mother and wife. I have decided to stay and hope oh comes to his senses if not for me then for the kids :rolleyes: Yup, it's going to be hard for you to engage in marriage counselling to work out your differences unless he's in the same country! Good Luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 I know you would of given this decision a huge amount of thought. I'd like to wish you future happiness and best wishes for a peaceful future.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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