Perths promises proving painful

[backtothefuture]

Good afternoon fellow expats !

 

This is my first post as a member, but after weeks of stalking everyone else's threads, i decided to put my predicament 'out there' and see if any wise words of wisdom could be imparted by you.

Here's my story:

you know the drill, We packed up our life into a small container, said goodbyes over numerous weekends of alcohol fuelled, long teary parties and headed to Perth 9 months ago. We felt in pretty good hands as i have 2 brothers who live here, and also my father (mother unfortunately passed away before emigrating). We arrived expecting fanfare sprinkled with pomp and circumstance and this I'm afraid wasn't the case. Yes, everyone was pleased to see us here and tried to reassure us with 'perth is great' 'you'll earn loads of money' 'the weather is brilliant' 'people at home will never do anything' so we got on with it. It took us over a month to both find jobs and with our life savings dwindling the harsh reality and the overwhelming doubt of 'what on earth have we done' set in (yes it set in at this early stage). We eventually found jobs and are now doing pretty well, we had issues with the work culture, but we marked it up to a new learning experience.

 

The first thing we began to notice when we got our own place was, the things we thought we would do here, we didn't. we had talks in the uk of joining this and that club, going to the beach after work, camping etc and the reality is that you work hard, it goes dark quickly, so you come home from work and watch tv (aussie tv is an entity all by itself). When we tried to discuss our feelings with my family, we got the stereotypical saying i hate so much "people at home will never change, they will do the same things all their life" well guess what you get into a routine here too and in 20 years time if we stayed that would be our reality too.

Don't get me wrong, Perth has some things to offer and its our insecurities and lack of enthusiasm thats dictated our 'rut', but blinking heck when you are in a negative mindset, that rut is hard to get out of. We were always outgoing, my husband is sporty and i was a member of a amateur dramatic society but for some reason moving has really 'dulled that sparkle' and brought our insecurities we didn't know we had. We often try to meet people and get invited places and we make the effort to go, but eventually they just fizzle out and you create kind of a 'surface level friendship' instead of the friendships you have known and loved.

 

So we find ourselves (probably with nothing else to do haha) pregnant with our first child. un-entitled to any maternity pay and without much family support or friends. We are trying to stay positive, but i guess my question is this. How do people stay positive, when in the back of their minds they know, whether it be in 1,2,3,4-10 years time they will end up going back home? What can you do to make this decision/process of homesickness easier to manage and look at it from a diplomatic perspective? i.e pros and con charts, talking to fellow expats (such as yourselves). At this point we have decided to give it 2 years to see if anything changes, we are visiting home in june 2015 with the baby so hopefully that may give us some perspective.

 

I would also like to add that this is not a reflection of perth itself or a 'perth bashing' of any sorts, these are quite personal experiences and hopefully it comes across as such, cheers guys xx

[thinker78]

Good afternoon fellow expats !

 

This is my first post as a member, but after weeks of stalking everyone else's threads, i decided to put my predicament 'out there' and see if any wise words of wisdom could be imparted by you.

Here's my story:

you know the drill, We packed up our life into a small container, said goodbyes over numerous weekends of alcohol fuelled, long teary parties and headed to Perth 9 months ago. We felt in pretty good hands as i have 2 brothers who live here, and also my father (mother unfortunately passed away before emigrating). We arrived expecting fanfare sprinkled with pomp and circumstance and this I'm afraid wasn't the case. Yes, everyone was pleased to see us here and tried to reassure us with 'perth is great' 'you'll earn loads of money' 'the weather is brilliant' 'people at home will never do anything' so we got on with it. It took us over a month to both find jobs and with our life savings dwindling the harsh reality and the overwhelming doubt of 'what on earth have we done' set in (yes it set in at this early stage). We eventually found jobs and are now doing pretty well, we had issues with the work culture, but we marked it up to a new learning experience.

 

The first thing we began to notice when we got our own place was, the things we thought we would do here, we didn't. we had talks in the uk of joining this and that club, going to the beach after work, camping etc and the reality is that you work hard, it goes dark quickly, so you come home from work and watch tv (aussie tv is an entity all by itself). When we tried to discuss our feelings with my family, we got the stereotypical saying i hate so much "people at home will never change, they will do the same things all their life" well guess what you get into a routine here too and in 20 years time if we stayed that would be our reality too.

Don't get me wrong, Perth has some things to offer and its our insecurities and lack of enthusiasm thats dictated our 'rut', but blinking heck when you are in a negative mindset, that rut is hard to get out of. We were always outgoing, my husband is sporty and i was a member of a amateur dramatic society but for some reason moving has really 'dulled that sparkle' and brought our insecurities we didn't know we had. We often try to meet people and get invited places and we make the effort to go, but eventually they just fizzle out and you create kind of a 'surface level friendship' instead of the friendships you have known and loved.

 

So we find ourselves (probably with nothing else to do haha) pregnant with our first child. un-entitled to any maternity pay and without much family support or friends. We are trying to stay positive, but i guess my question is this. How do people stay positive, when in the back of their minds they know, whether it be in 1,2,3,4-10 years time they will end up going back home? What can you do to make this decision/process of homesickness easier to manage and look at it from a diplomatic perspective? i.e pros and con charts, talking to fellow expats (such as yourselves). At this point we have decided to give it 2 years to see if anything changes, we are visiting home in june 2016 with the baby so hopefully that may give us some perspective.

thanks x

 

Hiya.

Life is life wherever you live it and even more so once kids come along! You go to work, you pay bills, you get into a routine etc. I loved living in perth as a singleton but it does have it's drawbacks. It's quite harsh on outsiders sometimes and it's fairly transient. After a hard days work you just wanna flop on the sofa, which you could do anywhere. Saying that, it has many great things to offer, and you've only done 9 months. It takes a lot longer to re establish yourselves and make some kind of social network.

In terms of knowing you may want to return most people stay to gain citizenship before bailing. There's nothing wrong with that as you may one day wish to come back.

One thing i found out recently was that having a child here gives it british citizenship by descent. it's not a big deal, but your child will not be entitled to pass it on. you may wish to check out the british laws on this, I wish i had known at the time.

I have a 2 year deadline to leave australia having done a decade here. as much as i love it, it will never be home, primarily as most of my family are back in the UK. I have had a couple of short ping poms but am certain that the feelings i have (which you stated) will never leave and children grow so fast, and mine has already missed out on grandparents and cousins long enough.

Just try and enjoy what you can do in perth which you can't do there, live for the moment and see what happens. you could feel settled in a year or you could not. Frankly, having a baby in either place is going to completely change your life in every possible way, so best rest up, and enjoy.

ps. i found maternity services in perth to be excellent, both pre and after. they have great mothers groups, lactation consultants and the good weather meant i was often out with the pram in parks with other sleep deprived mothers even in winter.

[flag of convenience]

I think you haven't done badly getting work inside a month on arrival. Not really sure what your specific issue is besides an apparent touch of boredom. Perth certainly tends to generate entrenched views. It is not for everyone and clichés with regards Australian life still appear to dominate, regardless of the rapid changes that have occurred over recent years.

 

 

I'd give it a period and make a decision at that time. Don't rush into anything but on the same hand don't linger when you know it's not right for you. The longer away can make it all the more harder to return. Like wise a too rapid return may unsettle you when back with thoughts of not giving it long enough.

[backtothefuture]

i appreciate your opinions very much and they appear very well balanced, thanks

[backtothefuture]

I have so far had excellent maternity care, which is public as i can't afford private at the moment. Thats really good advice, thank you

[jac2011]

Have you considered whether Perth is the right state for you? I would presume you are a relatively young couple, would somewhere like Melbourne or Sydney offer you more as a family at this stage of your life?

[Quoll]

I think it is easier knowing that it isn't forever and making the most of each and every day. At strategic points you stop, evaluate and if it isn't floating your boat then you cast off and move on. If things are going along ok then you keep going along ok. It's good to have a longer term goal in mind of course and so you need to be careful at each strategic decision point whether your next decision takes you past the point of no return. Once the "for ever" bars clang shut then I do think you can get yourself into a right mess - no one likes jail no matter how Utopian it may be! I lost "me" in the long process of making do in Aus so in lots of ways you're ahead of where I was - you realize you've lost your sparkle so you can make more of an effort to polish it up or you can resign yourself to being a bit duller (in the sparkle sense!). I found that the daily polishing was hugely draining on my mental health but I did it nevertheless until I conked out at around 25 yrs. For my last 7 yrs in Aus I was eating myself into an early grave and I'm sure you won't be like me but will make decisions to reclaim your life one way or the other well before then. It must be harder for you guys though having been brainwashed by the hype - in my day it was "follow the opportunity and get on with it". Good luck with the adventure no matter what!

[backtothefuture]

we visited Melbourne quite recently, and loved it. But I'm not sure we have it in us to uproot again to the unknown. We have also learnt that visiting somewhere on holiday is nothing like living there. I suppose you live and learn, i wasn't expecting too much of a revelation to be honest, i just wanted to vent some of the experiences that we have had in case someone who is thinking of doing the same has an idea of what it was like for us.

cheers

[Perthbum]

we visited Melbourne quite recently, and loved it. But I'm not sure we have it in us to uproot again to the unknown. We have also learnt that visiting somewhere on holiday is nothing like living there. I suppose you live and learn, i wasn't expecting too much of a revelation to be honest, i just wanted to vent some of the experiences that we have had in case someone who is thinking of doing the same has an idea of what it was like for us.

cheers

Bang!!!!!!! thats the one.

[backtothefuture]

you live and learn, and hopefully someone else thinking of making the transition will come armed a bit more prepared than we did x

[flag of convenience]

I suspect one can never be fully prepared. Perhaps all too many take heed of the gloss and ignore the other points raised and their posters as dis contended complainers and only really absorb what they chose to at the end of the day.

[Penelope Pitstop]

Why prolong the agony? If you know you are going to head back at some stage, why not do it now before your baby is born? I am sure that becoming parents will be so much more enjoyable with your families and friends around you rather than being stuck miles away from anyone, feeling lonely with no support.

[Guest]

I think the 'what have we done' moments can crop up no end of times in the early days when you see your money disappearing fast, are trying to find work and getting to grips with all the changes in your life. Its a normal thing for many. I had that a couple of times but never anything longer than lasting a few minutes once my mood and temper had cooled. And once those early days were past I've not looked back nor asked that again. As it was when I asked it it was more to do with being stuck living with in laws and living in the shed for a fair few months than I was unhappy or not liking our life or feeling we had made a mistake.

 

We are not in Perth so can't comment on the life you are living there. But our life in Adelaide is far from dull or rut like. We've built a good social network, have a great balance of work and play and really get out and enjoy our free time. And the days we are at home we are busy on our house or in the garden. I also don't find the shorter evenings an issue and we get time to go out in the evening in daylight hours once the clocks change. Sure it gets dark earlier but we have light long enough to do things. And we do the mundane stuff but we would do that wherever we were living.

 

It could be Perth is not the place in Aus for you. Just because your family is there is not a reason to live there if it doesn't work for you. I don't know if trying somewhere else is worth it if you are truly homesick for the UK. Having said that, a move to somewhere that does appeal more may well see you enjoying and embracing life a bit more. You can move a few hours up the motorway in the UK and be in a different world and have the same feelings as you appear to have about Perth. I know I did. Its places, sometimes we click with them, other times we don't. And when we don't, no amount of effort is really going to change that. If you like the place, usually things fall into place and you enjoy and put effort in and reap the rewards.

 

If you really feel the UK is where you want to be, miss it, I'd head on back there

[Guest]

Why prolong the agony? If you know you are going to head back at some stage, why not do it now before your baby is born? I am sure that becoming parents will be so much more enjoyable with your families and friends around you rather than being stuck miles away from anyone, feeling lonely with no support.

 

I read the OP has family in Perth already.

[Katie22]

It seems as if you've had some pretty big life events in a short space of time, losing your mum, emigrating and now a baby on its way so must have so many emotions running riot that it's no wonder you're feeling like you do! Sticking it out for citizenship is a good idea and often with time it can get easier but at the end of the day you need to be happy. I remember when I came out here I had 2 sisters who were well and truly settled and I felt like an outsider and as if something was wrong with me as I never embraced the Australian way of life in the way they did - trouble is I still don't!

[Guest Stansted]

Lack of research. Move somewhere else in Oz that isn't so 'beach focused?'

[Guest]

Good afternoon fellow expats !

 

This is my first post as a member, but after weeks of stalking everyone else's threads, i decided to put my predicament 'out there' and see if any wise words of wisdom could be imparted by you.

Here's my story:

you know the drill, We packed up our life into a small container, said goodbyes over numerous weekends of alcohol fuelled, long teary parties and headed to Perth 9 months ago. We felt in pretty good hands as i have 2 brothers who live here, and also my father (mother unfortunately passed away before emigrating). We arrived expecting fanfare sprinkled with pomp and circumstance and this I'm afraid wasn't the case. Yes, everyone was pleased to see us here and tried to reassure us with 'perth is great' 'you'll earn loads of money' 'the weather is brilliant' 'people at home will never do anything' so we got on with it. It took us over a month to both find jobs and with our life savings dwindling the harsh reality and the overwhelming doubt of 'what on earth have we done' set in (yes it set in at this early stage). We eventually found jobs and are now doing pretty well, we had issues with the work culture, but we marked it up to a new learning experience.

 

The first thing we began to notice when we got our own place was, the things we thought we would do here, we didn't. we had talks in the uk of joining this and that club, going to the beach after work, camping etc and the reality is that you work hard, it goes dark quickly, so you come home from work and watch tv (aussie tv is an entity all by itself). When we tried to discuss our feelings with my family, we got the stereotypical saying i hate so much "people at home will never change, they will do the same things all their life" well guess what you get into a routine here too and in 20 years time if we stayed that would be our reality too.

Don't get me wrong, Perth has some things to offer and its our insecurities and lack of enthusiasm thats dictated our 'rut', but blinking heck when you are in a negative mindset, that rut is hard to get out of. We were always outgoing, my husband is sporty and i was a member of a amateur dramatic society but for some reason moving has really 'dulled that sparkle' and brought our insecurities we didn't know we had. We often try to meet people and get invited places and we make the effort to go, but eventually they just fizzle out and you create kind of a 'surface level friendship' instead of the friendships you have known and loved.

 

So we find ourselves (probably with nothing else to do haha) pregnant with our first child. un-entitled to any maternity pay and without much family support or friends. We are trying to stay positive, but i guess my question is this. How do people stay positive, when in the back of their minds they know, whether it be in 1,2,3,4-10 years time they will end up going back home? What can you do to make this decision/process of homesickness easier to manage and look at it from a diplomatic perspective? i.e pros and con charts, talking to fellow expats (such as yourselves). At this point we have decided to give it 2 years to see if anything changes, we are visiting home in june 2015 with the baby so hopefully that may give us some perspective.

 

I would also like to add that this is not a reflection of perth itself or a 'perth bashing' of any sorts, these are quite personal experiences and hopefully it comes across as such, cheers guys xx

 

What you are going through is absolutely normal, particularly for those that take the skilled migration route as tremendous planning and effort goes in to getting there that you tell yourself it'll be all worth it and some fairly hefty expectations get set up. I need to be careful what I say as I've been shouted down before but I really don't think anyone goes on a skilled migrant visa expecting a worse life.

 

The life you dreamt about in the UK, 'joining this and that club, going to the beach after work, camping etc' is there if you want it and actually was there in the UK too. It usually takes more than moving countries to do completely different things - most of the benefits I gained came from moving to Australia actually came from changing how I worked which I could have done just as easily in the UK. I do get the early dark evenings being an issue - and WA doesn't have daylight savings, why oh why! They did for the first year we were there and it made such a difference!

 

Nine months seems like a common time for these kind of doubts to kick in - it's moved from an adventure to every day life and what you need to do is get past your expectations and decide which country is going to best meet your needs both now and in the future. Neither is perfect so it's a tough call but try to focus on the permanent things not the transient like your current job or current friends as those things change whichever country you are in. I did find making meaningful friends more difficult in Australia than I ever have anywhere else I've lived and that seems to be common but having a baby I think you will find opens a lot of doors. I did often wonder if I had my son in Australia whether it would have been different. As others have said your life is about to change beyond all recognition anyway - if you though migrating to Australia was a culture shock, hang on in for parenthood

 

It sounds like the family there haven't exactly rolled out the red carpet and you're now thinking with the baby on the way you would get more support in the UK but be careful, those same unrealistic expectations can happen in reverse! A lot of people have gone back to the UK missing friends and family to find either they were wearing rose-tinted specs or people have either moved on and the gap they left has been filled. To be fair I was away 5 years and didn't find that at all but it is common.

 

If you are unhappy after 9 months and keep being unhappy then staying for citizenship is really not realistic and your situation does bring up some difficult questions. If your child in born in Australia then they will automatically be an Australian citizen, even if you leave when they are weeks old they could choose to come back permanently in the future and without citizenship you couldn't (equally they could get an independent visa for say Canada so i'm not sure how relevant it is but it's worth being aware). Perhaps more concerning is the fact that once your child is in Australia you are unable to remove them without the other parents permission. It's a sad fact that a lot of relationships do break down - and there is nothing like having a baby for rocking what seems like even the perfect relationship. I don't know if you are the mother or father but either way you have to ask yourself would you want to stay in Australia if your relationship broke down? Would you be prepared to leave without your child?

 

I don't envy you, we stayed 5 years and to be honest weren't particularly unhappy but after a trip back home I realised what I was missing, I suggested to by OH we had a 'working holiday' in the UK, we talked about it some more, agreed that we both would be happier in the UK and moved back permanently with very little soul-searching and it has worked out perfectly for us.

[Guest The Pom Queen]

I have moved your thread in to the private section of the moving back forum as I know you asked to join earlier. In here no one can see what you have wrote only fellow members who feel the same as you, have moved back, want to move back but can't, or in the process of moving back. If you want it to go back out on the main forum just let me know.

[zephyr]

Agree with other posters that you've been through a lot of emotional 'stress' over the last 12 months and being pregnant will no doubt be muddying the waters in terms of your feelings (good and bad!) I would say stay where you are for the time being and just try and enjoy each day as it comes. Allow yourself to enjoy your pregnancy and try not to worry about what you should do next. You sound as if you are financially stable and have some support there. After the baby arrives you can both review how you feel and see if staying for the longer term is what you want to do as a family. Your health and the baby's health are the most important and putting yourself through the stress and worry of another move when you aren't sure it's the right decision anyway might not be wise. You will have lots of opportunities to meet new Mum's ante + post natal so opportunities to make new friends will be readily available. You might also find that joining social clubs etc in the evenings become less important to you as yours and your OH's needs change over time. Good luck with your pregnancy :-)

[backtothefuture]

You all have some wise, lived advice and I am very great full for your opinions, thank you. I agree and I am trying to enjoy this stage of my life, I imagine in the future we may move back but I will never see it as a regret as there are something's I enjoy here and the fact we have done it is very rewarding. Cheers x

[fourcorners]

We've been here for 3 years now and 5 months ago had our first baby here. We don't have any family here and it's been really hard but manageable. Care has been great, I was really grateful for having 3 days in hospital rather than getting chucked out after 12 hours! Baby groups and such are good but it does take some time to get to know everyone and find other mums who do things the same way (turns out I'm a bit of a hippy/earth mothery type and not many others are!). But it's hard to really let yourself get to know others when you think you might be leaving soon. And there are plenty of groups in the UK too.

 

There is something to be said for having continuity of care and get to know your obstetrician etc. Then after the birth it's probably better to wait a few months before making any big plans. I found the change in lifestyle pretty overwhelming and it took a while to come to terms with becoming a mum. I've now totally embraced it, want to be a stay at home mum for as long as possible and already thinking about having another! I feel like now is the time I really want to move back and also physically and mentally feel ready to do it. We want to move back for a couple of reasons, the push factors are: we've achieved what we've wanted to here and we're fed up of kalgoorlie, pull factors: family and friends in the UK, the landscape, better lifestyle for us.

 

Sorry if that was a bit of a rambling post!

[Jacaranda]

It amuses me when people in Australia state that people in the UK "Are just doing the same old same old"So what are people in Oz doing thats so special?I've spent 30 yrs in Oz,and return to Oz regularly (Just spent 6 mths there actually)and guess what?People are......doing the same old same old.Its called life!You go to work,come home,cook dinner,and watch tv.You are not down the beach night after night,sipping champagne!Most people just have "normal"lives with the occasional exciting outing or holiday thrown in.Sorry OP,not having a go at you,just been reading a few posts of late mentioning this issue.

[Marisawright]

It amuses me when people in Australia state that people in the UK "Are just doing the same old same old"So what are people in Oz doing thats so special?I've spent 30 yrs in Oz,and return to Oz regularly (Just spent 6 mths there actually)and guess what?People are......doing the same old same old..

 

But don't you think, if you cast your mind back 30 years, it was true then?

 

When I arrived in Sydney, I felt liberated for a lot of reasons. One, no one talked about a de facto relationship as "living in sin" or referred to a de facto partner as a 'bidie in' or some other derogatory term. Second, instead of being put in a box as "just a secretary" (as I had been in the UK), I was given all kinds of career opportunities and moved up the ladder in a way I never would have back home. Third, I loved the fact that my life was no longer controlled by "what will the neighbours think?", and that I could stride down the street wearing bright blue cords, a red bomber jacket and a blue-and-red beanie, and not have everyone stop and stare at me disapprovingly for daring to 'stand out'.

 

Of course, I came from Scotland which, at the time, was very conservative. And every time I went home, it did seem to me that people were all still stuck in their old jobs with their old Hyacinth Bouquet attitudes.

 

Since my parents passed away, I really haven't spent enough time in the UK to judge how far those attitudes have changed - they may well have, and therefore the difference is no longer so marked. Or maybe it does vary from place to place.

[Jacaranda]

Never bothered me what the neighbours thought,here or in Oz!Who cares,seriously????I am an alternate type person,and really for the people who judge me for being that way?It says more about them than me!So no,no difference 30 yrs ago.My arguement is,people could say "Well I do go down the beach alot since I moved to Oz",but my daughter lives in Cornwall and she goes down the beach,so do you really have to migrate to do that?Ok so its not 35c-40c but its no fun laying or even walking on scorching sand.If I'm completely honest,I actually do more in the UK than my family in Oz.

[Aunt Agatha]

I think that freedom you mention Marisa is coming from the anonymity of the new place rather than the place itself. Part of the reason I want to live outside of my home town is so that I can continue to "be myself" rather than the self my old schoolmates and family members expect or perhaps remember. Of course I am independent enough to do my own thing either way but a little anonymity does make things easier.