Advice please - homesick/Moving back to the UK pregnant

[Rose Fuller]

Hi - we've been in Australia for 6 months and I really want to go home. I think I realised it was a mistake almost immediately. We came out with our 2 sons 9/19. My boys were both unsettled and my eldest returned to England in march. I really miss my friends/family/the country/the food/even tv!!!! I never realised it would be so tough and have shocked myself. I cry every day and feel I'm not myself and that I've lost my sparkle and my smile. It seariously saddens me to think of staying here...yeah it's beautiful and I know the opportunities are good, but it's not enough its just material. Unfortunately hubby loves it, it's a very sad situation but I can't stay. On top of this I found out I was pregnant...not planned.so things are a big mess. I don't know if I should have the baby here and then return, or go before it is born....will he/she need a visa if I wait until after? We have perm visas. Ideally we would stay until just after as we have sold our house and spent so much money...we don't want to dip into our savings/potential deposit any more and need to save flight money and shipping fees. I'm feeling so stressed out

[wattsy1982]

Hi Rose,

 

Tough situation to be in. We have been here almost a year and have also realised Australia isnt for us. We are not at crying point (yet) but only now appreciate the UK and all we had right under our noses. We are gonna give it another year, mainly to save up then probably head home.

 

If it helps I would say its easier to get by in the UK with a new born of you arent working/getting paid. Plus you will have family.

 

As much as your hubby loves it im sure he loves you more and will return to make you happy.

 

I would say go back before the baby is born as the nearer you get to your due date/once the baby is born you will be very emotional and being somewhere like here wont do you any good, family is what you need.

 

Like I say, just my opinion.

[dxboz]

Hi Rose what a shame you sound so unhappy. I really agree with Wattsy you should go back before baby is born so you have the support of family. If you wait until after baby is born I believe you would have to apply for a UK passport for baby.

[fourcorners]

I had my baby here 5 weeks ago and had a very good experience in the health system, if that is if any comfort. We sent off her passport application last monday and it's going to be about a 2 month wait. Makes me feel slightly trapped to be honest as I'd love to go home just for a visit and let her meet all her relatives. But we have to wait and it's hard without the extra support from extended family. So if you think you might struggle without that extra support for 3 months post-birth, and if none of your family can come over to help, then I would seriously consider trying to move before you give birth.

 

On the other hand having your baby here would give them Australian citizenship, opening doors for them in the future.

[Rose Fuller]

Thanks guys for your replies. It's really kind. The inlaws are planning to come out for January, and our lease is up in January so it could work staying until after, however if born here I'm worried the baby would be Australian and I'd have to apply for a visa which may take time and counteract the money we save? My initial instinct is to go in the uk summer holidays, just not long to save up?!!!

[northernbird]

Thanks guys for your replies. It's really kind. The inlaws are planning to come out for January, and our lease is up in January so it could work staying until after, however if born here I'm worried the baby would be Australian and I'd have to apply for a visa which may take time and counteract the money we save? My initial instinct is to go in the uk summer holidays, just not long to save up?!!!

 

You won't need to apply for a UK visa for your child as they are a british citizen because you are. I had same issue as my daughter was born in Canada. We returned to UK and entered on her Canadian passport and applied for a UK passport once we arrived back in the UK.

[Rose Fuller]

Oh really, that's good news and takes the pressure off slightly! we can try our best to get back before, but soon afterwards is the backup. I already feel better. I know it's not gonna be a bed of roses there to start with and we are not going to fit straight back into our old lives, but We will get there. Thank you. )))

[thinker78]

Oh really, that's good news and takes the pressure off slightly! we can try our best to get back before, but soon afterwards is the backup. I already feel better. I know it's not gonna be a bed of roses there to start with and we are not going to fit straight back into our old lives, but We will get there. Thank you. )))

 

Either way you will be fine! don't forget that you have to fly before a certain stage in pregnancy- so best check that.

public system here fine for child birth so don't worry about that.

if your child is born here and you have PR, it will be a citizen. double check with immi.

hard choices indeed but pregnancy undoubtedly speeds up a decision- try not to stress about having it here as even if you do, you can fly when they are about 6 weeks anyway.

life certainly gives us hard choices sometimes but we just have to make the best of them.

i had my baby here without my extended family and it can be hard....although as you are not a first time mum, you may fair fine.

 

if your PR visas still have a lot of life left in them, you may find you wish to return a few years down the track, so sometimes things arent' forever.....good luck!

[Quoll]

Will your husband return with you if you decide to go? Will he let you take your remaining child with you? Will he let you leave with both children if you have your baby in Aus as by that time he will be loving it even more and may well change the goal posts on you. If you do head back now, it often seems to be the case that people who head back early are even more angst ridden about whether they gave it long enough and are more likely to ping pong but not always of course.

 

Your gut is probably telling you where you want to be, and it's probably right. In your situation I'd be inclined to head back sooner rather than later and get it all over and done with TBH - wouldn't be hanging around until Jan (pregnant in an Aussie summer is not nice!)

 

Good luck!

[Rose Fuller]

Thanks for your advice, I think you can fly up until 36 weeks with most airlines if you get a doctors note to agree.

[Rose Fuller]

Yes hubby will come reluctantly. His work life balance is better here, albeit he has to put up with me being unhappy all the time. We've been together since we were 15, so 25 years and I want him to come back as I can't live without him, but equally it's having a terrible effect in my soul here. Very difficult. He's such a fair person I do feel bad on him, but I'm gonna end up in the loony bin if I stay!!!! I burst into tears at the thought of people I miss.

[Sarahelle]

As mentioned before - baby won't need a visa as they'll be British through you, even my little girl is even though her father is Australian. I hope things work out for you, I agree it can be a very emotional thing to be pregnant and so far away from family. I have wished many times that my Mum was here.

[Rupert]

Hi - we've been in Australia for 6 months and I really want to go home. I think I realised it was a mistake almost immediately. We came out with our 2 sons 9/19. My boys were both unsettled and my eldest returned to England in march. I really miss my friends/family/the country/the food/even tv!!!! I never realised it would be so tough and have shocked myself. I cry every day and feel I'm not myself and that I've lost my sparkle and my smile. It seariously saddens me to think of staying here...yeah it's beautiful and I know the opportunities are good, but it's not enough its just material. Unfortunately hubby loves it, it's a very sad situation but I can't stay. On top of this I found out I was pregnant...not planned.so things are a big mess. I don't know if I should have the baby here and then return, or go before it is born....will he/she need a visa if I wait until after? We have perm visas. Ideally we would stay until just after as we have sold our house and spent so much money...we don't want to dip into our savings/potential deposit any more and need to save flight money and shipping fees. I'm feeling so stressed out

 

I am going to sound like a stuck record, but I really believe in having a pact before migration. The pact should cover how long you give it, what happens if one is unhappy but not the other etc. Did you have a pact with your husband over this? Or did you ever discuss it? If so, I think you should stick to the terms of your particular pact, whatever that may be.

 

There is a bit of me that thinks you should get on the plane home, there is a bit of me that advises caution as well. Being pregnant changes hormones or so I am led to believe and not giving it long enough can result in the ping pong back. I don't know that ping ponging is a great way of life, so think going back should be for good, just need to make sure that you know you gave it long enough to stop those doubts creeping in later.

[Rose Fuller]

Hi Rupert. We did say we will go and give it a go, and if we don't like it we will come back, I think we said a year. We didn't want to get to 60 and wonder what if. I was trying to get to a year, but hubby saw it that I really am unhappy so whats the point of getting to a year if I just plan to go home at the end of it. He said its only worth giving it a year if I'm really going to give it a go. He's right I know. I just don't like this constant feeling of unhappiness, I'm sure you right my hormones aren't helping, but my gut instinct is telling me to go. I see people on here posting that they have been here for years, regret it, wish they'd left. I don't want to be like that. Life's too short for regrets. This is just an adventure that wasn't for me. It is so hard as hubby loves it, but ii fear it will tear us apart to stay. rubbish situation

[starlight7]

How hard for you, Rose. Only you can decide whether you can cope for another few months and have your baby here of course- though in some ways it would probably be easier, January being during the long school holidays for one. Is your pregnancy making you more emotional perhaps? I know I was a bit of a basket case during the early months. The maternity hospitals here are very good- you won't have any worries on that score. Good luck and as they say , che sera sera.

[Prairie Girl]

Hi there, just wanted to say I went through a similar time, had a baby in Sydney and was not coping and was homesick so we went home (Canada) after just one year here. I am so glad now that we flipped back so quickly, because 3 1/2 years later before our PR ran out we came back again. I am glad we had a solid length of time to be home and think about what to do for a while. If you are so unhappy and have time remaining on your visa, go back for your sanity and to enjoy your baby at home! It was the best thing I could have done! Now we have made a pact to live here 3-5 years to get citizenship and I feel much more balanced about it, not having hormones and cabin fever running wild. I can actually enjoy it here, plus we kept our house there so I feel no rush to go back.

It certainly wasn't the way we planned it but that's life and sometimes you have to go with your gut feeling. Doesn't have to be forever. It might seem crazy to outsiders but you have to do what is right for you.

[Rose Fuller]

Thanks all for taking the time to read my post and give support :0) it has helped! X

[Jackie17]

Hi Rose,

 

I read your your post this morning but didn't have the time to reply but you've played on my mind all day! Glad to see that others have commented & hope it helps you slightly....you are certainly not alone! My initial feeling was that 6 months isn't long at all but having said that we've been here almost 3 years & my husband knew within the 1st 12 months that it wasn't for him & we're in exactly the same position (minus the pregnancy!! ) He's also lost his sparkle, and it's been very hard to watch him become so desperately sad & unhappy. We also have 2 boys, aged 14/16 who are 50/50 about where they live but since making the decision to return to the UK in August they're really excited. Me...like your husband I love my life here & I'm really sad to be leaving BUT we did say at the start of this adventure if we didn't ALL settle we'd return..I just thought it would be me who didn't settle not him and we will still have 19 months left on our visa. To ping pong is not ideal but at least at the moment it gives me a slight hope whilst I'm coming to terms with it all.

 

I hope whatever you decide to do you will find happiness again & as others have said you will still have time left on your visa so the door will remain open for a while...& well done you, like us you had a dream & actually did it! At the time we were moving out here so many of our friends told us they were envious, that they had often thought about moving abroad but never had the bottle to do it. Try not to look on the move here as a mistake just an experience that wasn't for you & start planning the next chapter of your life with a beautiful new arrival to look forward to. Lots of luck to you all. Keep us posted.

[Freckleface]

Six months is a really short time to find your feet anywhere new Rose but I think you probably have enough on your plate at the moment. Go home but leave the door open to try again later if you want to.

[Rose Fuller]

Thanks Jackie. Just an expensive mistake...I think I wouldn't feel so panicked if we'd have kept our house in the uk? Good luck to you too. xx

[Guest Bora]

I think I wouldn't feel so panicked if we'd have kept our house in the uk?

 

Hi Rose, I know how this bit feels. Like you, we also sold our house (which we rented out for years in Essex) we were in the process of buying the house we lived in in North Somerset (which we rented) which was our DREAM home - we gave away the opportunity to buy the place that had stored so many happy memories due a work opportunity that landed on my lap.

 

I used to think while I was in OZ what have I done, our home is gone, we'll never find another one like it ........ BUT we HAVE, just last week we moved into a wonderful homely victorian property which carries all the usual old English wonky quirks (you can smell the old timbers...)......You cant see beyond your situation right now, as I couldnt, but good things happen to good people (you seem like a good person ) and like me, you'll end up in a better place (and house!) than before you left. Only now, you just don't know it yet. You'll also see the UK in a different light which will make you think why did we ever leave, which only enhances the sense of contentment being home. And imagine having a baby as well!- it will be better than winning the lottery.

 

Best of luck, you will be fine.

[Aunt Agatha]

Great post Bora and just what I needed to read today after feeling glum about selling OUR house in England after renting it out for a few years - thank you!

 

Rose I think it will all work out for you. Having a new baby is a lovely bubble to be in and you'll have the love and support of friends and family for any tricky bits. I like what someone else said about going but leaving the door open. That's what I'd do.

[Rose Fuller]

Hi All - we booked the flights home, and decided its better to return before baby born as I really want my friends and family around and still feel really unhappy and know it will be harder once baby is born. Unfortunately its really starting to take its toll on our relationship with both of wanting to do the opposite. Felling really crappy and wish wed never came. Husband is disappointed and he feels I haven't tried. I' counting the days until I leave....he's dreading it. Bad times (((

[Rachel Tilley]

Best of luck Rose. I know it's hard, but you will get through this. Although it's a sort of split decision, at least your family are staying together and that is what is most important. Your husband sounds a lovely man and is accepting that your happiness comes first and foremost over a desire for him to live in Australia. Your children will all benefit from this joint decision.

 

Be prepared that even though you want to go back you will have wobbles when you arrive and it will take some time to re-settle back home. There will be days when you have wondered if you've done the right thing (particularly when it's cold and wet) but this is perfectly normal. Once you have a settled home, find jobs, your one son is back at school and your new baby is born hopefully everyone will be okay. It took me a good 18 months to

re-settle in England after a difficult time in Australia too. When do you fly home?

[Bimbobread]

Thanks for your post Rose. I am crying my eyes out because we are in exactly the same position, although luckily my husband has been a bit underwhelmed by Australia since we got here. When are you due? We aren't due until January. We are just starting the discussion about going back. We sold our house in England and shipped out our 3 animals. Jees it's a hard decision about whether to go back before or after the birth. Thinking of you.