Aussie man with very, very homesick UK wife. HELP!!!!

[zephyr]

Agree with all the other posters regarding giving the UK a shot. Your view of the UK is probably not helping in terms of trying to picture your future as a family there. It has its problems as does Australia, try to look at the positives and not the negatives as you're not allowing yourself a level playing field to base your decisions on. You say you have a great life in Australia, you may have a great life in the UK. Right now you have an unhappy wife, if you stay put is that likely to change?

[Penelope Pitstop]

I like my husband's family very much but their ways are quite different to my family's. If I had had my babies in Australia I know my mother-in-law would have been totally overpowering and I would have really hated it. She would have been telling me what to do all the time and trying to take over, whereas my family are a lot less interfering and chilled out about things. It's important for a new Mum to have her own Mum around. I would have been really unhappy and felt quite displaced if I had been in Australia when my children were young.

[Harpodom]

Mate, at the risk of coming across all Tony Abbott, it's harder IMO for a woman suffering with homesickness once they become a mother. The pull of home is extremely strong. The risk for her of depression is very high due to the absence of her extended family and having such a young child.

 

Looking at your situation from the outside, it seems pretty obvious what you have to do in order to keep your wife happy and therefore your family in one piece. Give the UK a try eg for a minimum 2 years. Make a pact that if it isn't working out, you all come back to Aus. I don't envy your position but mine is kind of similar (although I was OK to come here), just the other way round (I'm English, wife Aussie).

 

We've been here in Aus nearly 6 years now and very settled. It can be done.

[Harpodom]

Who's to say it will save the marriage? I've seen couples move back to UK and had a breakup there. The stress of moving across the world can do that to people. Without sounding too mushy it could be that she needs love and support here.

 

She has a loving family which is the most important thing not where u live.

I'm sorry Jase but IIRC, aren't you the guy who left his wife and kids in the UK to come back to Aus, in order to enjoy its 'resort lifestyle'?

 

I honestly don't think you are qualified to provide advice on this subject.

[Guest Guest66881]

Mate, at the risk of coming across all Tony Abbott, it's harder IMO for a woman suffering with homesickness once they become a mother. The pull of home is extremely strong. The risk for her of depression is very high due to the absence of her extended family and having such a young child.

 

Looking at your situation from the outside, it seems pretty obvious what you have to do in order to keep your wife happy and therefore your family in one piece. Give the UK a try eg for a minimum 2 years. Make a pact that if it isn't working out, you all come back to Aus. I don't envy your position but mine is kind of similar (although I was OK to come here), just the other way round (I'm English, wife Aussie).

 

We've been here in Aus nearly 6 years now and very settled. It can be done.

 

 

That's the key mate:wink:

[Aunt Agatha]

I'm sorry you're faced with this situation, you sound genuinely in turmoil. My take on it is that you MAY struggle with living in the UK and your wife IS struggling (badly) with being here in Australia. In that situation, I'd be giving the UK a really good go.

 

I saw something on Dr. Phil once (don't judge, I was on maternity leave!!) and he said when him and his wife are at an impasse about something they each give their feelings a mark out of ten. E.g. you may be an eight out of ten on the "not wanting to move to the UK" scale and your wife is a ten out of ten on wanting to move back. So it's clear that her need is greater than yours. You both have to be honest about it though and not make every one an eleven! I thought it was a good strategy for working through difficult decisions.

 

All that aside, as a Mummy of a one year old I'd say please agree to giving the UK a try, I feel so upset for your wife just reading your words, she sounds heartbroken. Don't hold her to an agreement she made before becoming a mother, things change so much once we have our own children. You sound like a fantastic husband BTW.

[Perthbum]

Well, big thanks for all your input (and love to hear more). Especially thinker78. You’re all most kind.

 

In terms of seeing things in B&W, by mine and (usually) my wife’s take the ‘head’ decision is to stay and continue to build on this already great life for us and now our son. The ‘heart’ decision from my wife’s point of view is what dominates everything in our life now.

 

At personal expense to us we have had a foot in both countries already. Regular trips and even x2 weddings! I’ve thought of a short term (e.g. 2 year) sabbatical to the UK but at some point we need to make a commitment to either or. I don’t want to be going through this again in 2 years, and especially don’t want my son to be as well. So many of the recent years have felt like ‘limbo’ and we’re both desperate now for some stability and certainty. Not to ever erase UK or Aus from our lives but ACTUALLY be in the place we are – for now this is Australia.

 

Again, this isn’t just about the material things in life but to cash in what we have for what would likely be much less, and to likely reverse the feelings she has about UK onto me if we were in the UK seems like a foolish decision. Yes she gains her more regular family contact but at what expense?

 

The ‘what’s best’ for our son chat is a very hard one. For my wife it is being closer to her family but that means being away from mine and missing out on the myriad of opportunities that Aus can provide over UK. At this point, I’m struggling to see how my sons future would be better in the UK than Aus (UK family aside) .. but I’m very receptive to listen!

 

Would someone hurry up and invent super cheap, super-fast plane travel?!

you could have as good or a better life in the UK s many people do, your wife obviously prefers the uk...why not give it a shot?

[Bromney]

Very tough situation to be in. My situation is similar to Harpodom in that I am British and my wife is Aussie, we've been here about 1.5 yrs now. I understand your reluctance to move to the UK because the chances are your wife will feel happier there and you will then (possibly) feel down living somewhere you don't really want to be. The stark reality is that one of you have to be away from your family and the geographical distance makes this extremely hard. I have no easy solution for you, I guess it really depends on how much you are prepared to compromise for your wife and child. Give some thought to the adage 'A happy wife is a happy life'.

 

You have my utmost sympathy as I am not entirely happy being in Australia but I have made the conscious decision to do this for my wife and child. I miss my elderly parents like crazy but take solace in that my sisters are there to support them.

[maidensarah]

I dont want this to turn into a debate between me and you but I would rather be unhappy than my wife be unhappy. I also think blokes deal with things differently, there aren't so many emotions and hormones involved...plus if his wife is at home all day with the baby then it must be even harder.

 

Like i said, I would do what made my wife happy even if it made me unhappy but not all men are like me, not saying im right. I look at it as a happy wife usually leads to a happy husband but a happy husband doesnt always mean a happy wife

 

If only there were more men like you about! Luckily for me I'm marrying a good one

[jasepom]

I'm sorry Jase but IIRC, aren't you the guy who left his wife and kids in the UK to come back to Aus, in order to enjoy its 'resort lifestyle'?

 

I honestly don't think you are qualified to provide advice on this subject.

 

Mate don't get personal ok? You don't know the full extent of my situation.

 

I can offer advice purely because moving back to the UK was such a disaster for us. That's why I'm saying don't go through with it unless you are 100% sure it's right for you.

 

Exactly how to you have to be qualified to offer advice you patronising sod!

[markb28]

Oh dear, it's a real dilemma. I'm a Londoner out here with a Sydneysider. Been here nearly 2 years now but the push/pull of home/Oz is a continual pressure. I don't have the same pressure however as my partner would happily follow me back to London (she loves it but hates the weather). This does give me peace of mind.

 

Agree with some that the new baby may have brought this to a head. I don't know how long we will be here, maybe a few years or forever, who knows. However after 8 years your partner has certainly given it a go, however doesn't appear to have let go and the yearn for home is still strong.

 

As for where is best to be I'm unsure, culturally UK, weather Oz, opportunity Oz, exciting lifestyle UK, relaxed lifestyle Oz. It never ends.

 

I think it will probably come down to a selfless act to move on your part mate to keep the family together. You seem like a good bloke and I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

[Aunt Agatha]

As for where is best to be I'm unsure, culturally UK, weather Oz, opportunity Oz, exciting lifestyle UK, relaxed lifestyle Oz. It never ends.

 

Slightly off topic but thank you Mark, you have just summed up exactly how I feel about the two countries! Am currently torturing myself with the "have we made the right decision?" question re moving back early next year. It truly never ends when you are happy/have been happy in both places.

[wattsy1982]

Slightly off topic but thank you Mark, you have just summed up exactly how I feel about the two countries! Am currently torturing myself with the "have we made the right decision?" question re moving back early next year. It truly never ends when you are happy/have been happy in both places.

 

Despite what most think on here, I actually like Australia and can see positives in both countries. If you are born in Australia and have your family around you I would say its near perfect, BUT for us brits family sometimes out weighs the sunshine.

 

I know there are rough parts of the UK as there is in Australia and I would say its possible to create a good life in either country.

 

We were from near cambridge in the UK which is a lovely area, no real violence and crime/drugs is very rare and only petty at the most. We had our family and friends around us, and both had very good jobs so for us, when people say how bad the UK is we find it hard to believe, based on what we had. So for us, at the moment Aus is prooving a step back, in terms on wages, disposable income, quality of house, social life, car etc....i know these are all materialistic things but we were happy and healthy there too so its not like we have gained that here. Aside from the sunshine we are pretty much as we were, if not a bit behind. This is still early days and we know this but when people just say theres nothing in the UK anymore and your kids wont be happy etc its just not true.

 

Anyway, off topic but thought id share.

 

Aunt agatha you will be fine and enjoy every minute of it.

[Aunt Agatha]

Thanks Wattsy, appreciate that. I am a bit concerned re choosing the right part of the UK in which to live - that will come down to jobs ultimately. I was set on the NE but having a few wobbles lately.

 

I might start a new thread to share my angst so as not to detract form the OP.

[wattsy1982]

Thanks Wattsy, appreciate that. I am a bit concerned re choosing the right part of the UK in which to live - that will come down to jobs ultimately. I was set on the NE but having a few wobbles lately.

 

I might start a new thread to share my angst so as not to detract form the OP.

 

You are welcome, and yeah do it...

[stuartpreece]

And again, thanks guys. All your stories and advice have had an impact.

 

I can’t tell you which way we’ll go but for now, the mental deadlock I was in has eased and we even managed to have an almost calm conversation about it last night!

 

Plenty to do and more angles to look at (more than I had first thought until I posted here) but you’ve all helped me (and us) get things moving. Which is better.

[wattsy1982]

And again, thanks guys. All your stories and advice have had an impact.

 

I can’t tell you which way we’ll go but for now, the mental deadlock I was in has eased and we even managed to have an almost calm conversation about it last night!

 

Plenty to do and more angles to look at (more than I had first thought until I posted here) but you’ve all helped me (and us) get things moving. Which is better.

 

Is you wife on here? Might help her to hear from others in her situation rather than hearing it 3rd hand through you.

[thinker78]

that's true; plenty of us emotional homesick slightly nuts poms who love australia but ultimately miss home x

[stuartpreece]

Despite what most think on here, I actually like Australia and can see positives in both countries. If you are born in Australia and have your family around you I would say its near perfect, BUT for us brits family sometimes out weighs the sunshine.

.

 

.. this is a classic ‘head’ Vs ‘heart’ statement!!

 

Not having a go or value judging wattsy, quite the opposite. As a more often ‘head’ thinker, it’s handy for me to maybe think with some more ‘heart’ through all this.

 

And FYI, I am a very caring and loving husband and father but as a husband and father, I’m often required to be more ‘head’ than ‘heart’, especially when scraping together the money for UK flights every year!

[rosiew]

Anyway it might need to be a medium term plan while you wait for a spouse visa for the UK unless you have the magic passport.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide. It is a large measure of luck that stops many of us being in the same boat.

[Nikey]

 

@stuartpreece you defo come across as a very caring husband and because your wife is in a low place I am sure u r having to do all the sensible stuff like looking at finances all on your own. And it's an expensive business unfortunately. U sound like u can make it work tho. @wattsy1982 you are a wise owl :-) your comments have all been spot on

[PaulRaynor]

People not places that matter ... its almost a cliche isn't it? After 15 years I am still homesick for England every day. I was married to someone who despite my unhappiness would never entertain the idea of returning. We are not together anymore. I have no advice Stuart other than to say you have shown yourself to be a very caring and thoughtful man to make this enquiry in the first place. Good luck.

[Nikey]

People not places that matter ... its almost a cliche isn't it? After 15 years I am still homesick for England every day. I was married to someone who despite my unhappiness would never entertain the idea of returning. We are not together anymore. I have no advice Stuart other than to say you have shown yourself to be a very caring and thoughtful man to make this enquiry in the first place. Good luck.

:err::hug:

[wattsy1982]

@wattsy1982 you are a wise owl :-) your comments have all been spot on

 

Thanks, Ive learnt that a happy wife usually means a happy life!

[jasepom]

Thanks, Ive learnt that a happy wife usually means a happy life!

 

I've found that making your wife happy involves providing for her financially as well as emotionally. I've been successful in one but not the other. If you can do both you've succeeded wherever you are.