Helz980 Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Hi folks ive finally plucked up the courage to post..... My story so far.... 2007 applied for 175 PR visas, granted 2011, reigned from work & oh got redundancy....jan 2012 the big adventure begins....3 days before flying I find out am pregnant which wasn't planned. Anyway we landed in Melbourne, bought a car & travelled to the places we had never been before with the intention of making a base near Newcastle. At 6 weeks pg I found out I was having triplets...very shocked!! But we took it in our stride, hubby was applying for jobs & eventually got 2 interviews & 2 job offers. We were staying with a friend on his living room floor on an air bed (not the best with an expanding stomach! Unfortunately hubby's job wasn't to start until oct 2012 & we were running out of cash then at 18 weeks I was told the twins had died but I had one surviving baby. By this point I was very homesick & made the choice to come home (we were coming back in aug anyway for my sisters wedding) hubby got a temp job with Allianz whilst I was home. Then at 28 weeks our daughter was born weighing 1.1kgs. Luckily she is a trouper & was ok just little. Luckily I was already at hospital having a scan when my waters broke & my best friend was with me. Hubby flew back & stayed for 10 weeks working for his dad & even though we didn't have much it was one of the happiest times in our life espesh when Olivia came home after 6 weeks. Psul returned to oz to work for rio tinto & we stayed until jan 2013. We live on the central coast in a lovely rental, I've got friends & completely thrown myself into mothers groups, swimming, running etc. although I had bouts of missing home I was ok. As Olivia was on a visitor visa we came home for a holiday in August, it was brilliant watching her interact & get to know her family. I stayed longer to pack up our house, sell stuff & put it on the market & returned in October. I was keen to come back however I'm not happy here...at all. 2 weeks ago I had a panic attack about being here (not me at all) I felt like a basket case. I ended up writing a letter to my hubby with all my feelings about not wanting to be here. I want to go because I want our lo to grow up around family, I want her to gr up how I did in the northumbrian countryside running about on the farm, going to the llocal school etc etc. my hubby says he can't provide for us there like he can here. I just feel like I exist on a day to day basis. We had a long talk & have agreed to give it 6 months then reassess but tbh I would go tomorrow. Am scared though as we have nothing in the uk as I sold it all!! But my friend said Helen it's just stuff, you can't stay here & be sad. Sorry for the long post! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emmab1995 Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 I know how you feel and i can tell you that feeling will not go away sorry to say ..... we have been in aus nearly 8 yrs , 2yrs ago i got cancer biggest thing ever :0 (in remission ) ,,,, but what it did was make me think about why we were here we are a family of 5 me n hubby then 3 kids well 18,16,12 ......christmas 2012 after all my treatment had finished i told them i wanted to go home .... everyone was telling me its to soon after all you have been through leave it for a while so i did .... forward 12 mths and i still feel the same told my hubby through a water fall of tears i just dont want to be here anymore and for me with the cancer it has made me realise i dont want to end my days here ..... so nov 2013 we decided we are going to go back ... but hubby has just got a new job to good to turn down so we will not be going back till end of 2015 start of 2016 seems a long time away but you know what because i know its going to happen i have settled down and iam not as upset everyday ...... and one good thing we talk about the uk all the time and what we are going to do ..... 1 down side my 18yr old doesnt want to come and that will be the hardest thing i will ever do is leave him here but by then he will be nearly 21 ...... So you could tell your hubby ok i will give it 6 mths just like i did and then he can never say you didnt give it time at the end of the day when that feeling comes it just never goes away and one of my friends who is now back in the uk told me that at the very start .... they were here 3 yrs went back to the uk within 18mths they were back in aus lasted 10mths now back in the uk for good ..... hope you can get through this ... drop me a line anytime xxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3FatCats Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Wow, you have been through quite a lot! Fear is the only thing holding me back too, the fear of going back and not finding work, being desperate. For what it's worth, I think your friend is right though. It is a terrible waste of years to stay here and be unhappy... In 2014 I have decided to have a bit more faith, in myself and in the future. So we will start making plans on how to return, and take it from there. I reckon you'll be OK! Good luck x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Oh sweetie! Never apologise for your feelings and have some (((hugs))) to keep you going! You're on the right track there - you've told the DH (hardest part) and you are throwing yourself into the social connections locally. At least you have your first DD (decision discussion) date (put it on the calendar and try not to think/talk about it until that date). Whilst pragmatically, of course, your husband may well be right, you may be financially better off in Aus, the cost to your mental health and well being could be much higher. Living where you don't feel you belong can drain the life out of you! (And in my case, stack the weight on!!!). May I suggest that you check out counselling? More as a preventative/management strategy than anything else - CBT and ACT are both good therapies for strategies to stop things getting worse and managing the anxieties that you do have. Maybe you could also get your DH to throw out feelers for work in UK - he'd be happier knowing he had something to move on to rather than jumping into a jobless void - perhaps focus initially on applying for things that he would dearly love to get. You never know your luck! Many of us know that "emptiness" feeling - it may go away or it may not. Just hang on to the fact that nothing is forever and your friend is right - it's just stuff. Your health, happiness and family are the most important things! Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helz980 Posted January 7, 2014 Author Share Posted January 7, 2014 Thanks for your lovely replies. Emma sorry to hear about the cancer, I know what it can do to a family. Now at least you have a timeline albeit longer than what you wanted. I'll def drop you a line! 3fatcats, I know I've been through a lot but you know I never crumbled until now which is not like me am a strong woman who carries on but obviously my strength had dwindled into crumbs lol. Both of us need to take fear by the scruff of the neck & turn it into positives! Quoll it's funny you should mention counselling am actually having a healing session tomorrow with one of my friends. It might work it might not work but at least I'll get a bit of me time. My hubby also works away so he suggested moving near his 'mine' you can imagine the sort of the towns they are!! Am going to put the 6 month date in the calendar, Paul has talked about working in Saudi or somewhere like that & then come home. I don't think he will struggle for work, he's a mechanic & already got over a years oz experience plus he got promotion but you know what......he hates where he works!!! It's all for the money! Which used to matter to me but now am a mum (people say things change but I never believed them!) we could actually survive him working for his dad as a painter......but if we go back for a hol in 6 months we will decide then, he said he would come back to work & tie up loose ends whilst I sort the uk side. Who knows what will happen but at 33 years old am ready to settle & I believe that is in the north east of England amongst the rolling hills xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helz980 Posted January 7, 2014 Author Share Posted January 7, 2014 Sorry if my post seems to jump about am on my iPhone so it's hard to get everything written down! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VERYSTORMY Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 All I can say is that you have to be where makes you happy. We only get one shot at this thing called life and it is of constant amazement to me how quick it goes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helz980 Posted January 7, 2014 Author Share Posted January 7, 2014 All I can say is that you have to be where makes you happy. We only get one shot at this thing called life and it is of constant amazement to me how quick it goes. Those very simple words make so much sense ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garyupnorth Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 The urge to come back, will be as great if not greater than the urge you had to go. Life is short, enjoy it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaulRaynor Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Emptiness and loneliness are things that I too live with every day, but every day that goes by is a day closer to home! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fourcorners Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Emptiness and loneliness are things that I too live with every day, but every day that goes by is a day closer to home! That's what we keep saying Paul! To Helen, I wish you the best of luck although luck's probably not the right word. It's so good to have a plan, helps you put things into perspective and get organised. At least now you have an opportunity to experience as much of Australia before you go back so that you have no regrets. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helz980 Posted January 8, 2014 Author Share Posted January 8, 2014 Emptiness and loneliness are things that I too live with every day, but every day that goes by is a day closer to home! So very true! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helz980 Posted January 8, 2014 Author Share Posted January 8, 2014 The urge to come back, will be as great if not greater than the urge you had to go. Life is short, enjoy it. You know what Gary I never actually had that great 'urge' to come here it was always my hubby's dream & I followed him believing that's what we needed. No wonder I have a massive urge to come home. How are things with you now you are back in the uk? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helz980 Posted January 8, 2014 Author Share Posted January 8, 2014 That's what we keep saying Paul! To Helen, I wish you the best of luck although luck's probably not the right word. It's so good to have a plan, helps you put things into perspective and get organised. At least now you have an opportunity to experience as much of Australia before you go back so that you have no regrets. thank you, tbh I could do with some luck as not seemed to have had much! Yes I have a loose plan but I know my hubby is hoping I will change my mind/feelings etc but unfortunately am a stubborn bugger & when I've put my mind to it that's what will happen! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKW Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Firstly, I am so sorry for the loss of your twins, I can't imagine how difficult that must have been and then to have your daughter prematurely. It is so good to hear that she is doing well. You have been through so much and I often think that grief has a funny way of putting things in life in perspective. It sounds like you know where you want to be and what would make you happy. It's great that you have talked to your husband about how you feel and that you have a time line in place. I have been here 4 years and knew from very early on that Australia wasn't for me. I have stayed this long because DH wanted to get citizenship, it doesn't mean anything to me. Now we are just waiting for the ceremony and we'll be off. It got easier as time went on, but it was only once we had finally agreed on a time line that things improved for me. I wish you well, and please know that there is always someone here to listen. Feel free to drop me a line anytime x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 I'm from the North East too and can totally understand you wanting to return to God's Own Country! :wink: We'll be moving back (hopefully to Northumberland) at the end of this year/early next year after 10 years in Australia. I have enjoyed my time here but just want to be "home" now. There are so many things that go into making a happy and successful life and I think money is pretty low down that list. Family, health, friends, time to do the things you love - all those things matter more. Maybe you could explain it to your DH in those terms and make him see that you don't need him to provide the big bucks for you and your little family to be content? I know money and security IS important but at the grand old age of 40 I have finally discovered that we don't need to earn more, we just need to spend less - choosing a house we can afford, not buying new cars or buying stuff on credit cards leaves money spare for FUN. (Edited to add, I'm not suggesting that you spend lots on credit cards etc, just that we don't need to earn as much as we think we do to be happy and secure) :smile: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helz980 Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 Firstly, I am so sorry for the loss of your twins, I can't imagine how difficult that must have been and then to have your daughter prematurely. It is so good to hear that she is doing well. You have been through so much and I often think that grief has a funny way of putting things in life in perspective. It sounds like you know where you want to be and what would make you happy. It's great that you have talked to your husband about how you feel and that you have a time line in place. I have been here 4 years and knew from very early on that Australia wasn't for me. I have stayed this long because DH wanted to get citizenship, it doesn't mean anything to me. Now we are just waiting for the ceremony and we'll be off. It got easier as time went on, but it was only once we had finally agreed on a time line that things improved for me. I wish you well, and please know that there is always someone here to listen. Feel free to drop me a line anytime x Hi thanks for your kind words, it certainly has been a tough time! I wish you luck in your quest for getting home! Funny how its the blokes that seem to love oz more than their partners! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helz980 Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 I'm from the North East too and can totally understand you wanting to return to God's Own Country! :wink: We'll be moving back (hopefully to Northumberland) at the end of this year/early next year after 10 years in Australia. I have enjoyed my time here but just want to be "home" now. There are so many things that go into making a happy and successful life and I think money is pretty low down that list. Family, health, friends, time to do the things you love - all those things matter more. Maybe you could explain it to your DH in those terms and make him see that you don't need him to provide the big bucks for you and your little family to be content? I know money and security IS important but at the grand old age of 40 I have finally discovered that we don't need to earn more, we just need to spend less - choosing a house we can afford, not buying new cars or buying stuff on credit cards leaves money spare for FUN. (Edited to add, I'm not suggesting that you spend lots on credit cards etc, just that we don't need to earn as much as we think we do to be happy and secure) :smile: Am from Northumberland too! A wee place called Bellingham near kielder forest. I wish my hubby would understand that money is low on the list of priorities & you are right that you spend what you earn! I don't think I can be here another 10 months let alone 10 years!! Xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helz980 Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 Hey folks, fell out with hubby last night. He basically said I may as well get myself on a plane & fk off due to my negative attitude & that am not even trying to like oz & make the best of it. He says why would I want to go back to that dreary place called England & why do I think my family is more important than him. He's also sick of my negativity towards everything Aussie including the tea bags lol. & when I was showing Olivia pics of the farm I had said 'you would love to run around there in your wellies' & that I've got to stop that as well. He just got really angry with me, I said I can't help how I feel & he said that's bs of course you can. So what the hell do I do? He won't listen & basically makes me feel like I should be grateful that am here... sorry for whittering on, sometimes easier to tell strangers! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emmab1995 Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 awww i am so sorry ..... maybe he thought that by giving you the 6 mths that you would not speak about it the same , men dont think the same way as us ( and thats not a dig ) this is one of the hardest things you guys have been through not only the move but the loss of the twins and then the birth of your daughter ..... stress is an awful thing and you both have been through it ..... maybe he just needs a little time xxxx thinking of you chick xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 Hey folks, fell out with hubby last night. He basically said I may as well get myself on a plane & fk off due to my negative attitude & that am not even trying to like oz & make the best of it. He says why would I want to go back to that dreary place called England & why do I think my family is more important than him. He's also sick of my negativity towards everything Aussie including the tea bags lol. & when I was showing Olivia pics of the farm I had said 'you would love to run around there in your wellies' & that I've got to stop that as well. He just got really angry with me, I said I can't help how I feel & he said that's bs of course you can. So what the hell do I do? He won't listen & basically makes me feel like I should be grateful that am here... sorry for whittering on, sometimes easier to tell strangers! Marriage counselling! Talk about it together with a third part mediator. He isn't listening to what you are saying and he would say you aren't listening to what he is saying. As far as I can see there is no sense of compromise from either of you at the moment and you probably both have to have that to move forward. You've got decision date on the calendar so perhaps do your best not to talk UK in front of him until then - of course you can still talk to Olivia about her heritage, just not in his hearing. Of course you do run a very real risk that come DD he still won't move and will prevent you from removing Olivia from Aus (the Aus courts will not let kids leave, unlike the UK courts) so you might want to work on plan B. Sadly, at some point you might need to make the "least worst" decision. Which is more important to you - life in a place you loathe with him or life in a place you love without him? I stuck Aus for many years because of my husband - life without him was much harder! You can't cuddle a country after all! But we had a liveable compromise which made it a bit easier - not perfect - but at least he listened. As it happens I've got just what I want due to circumstances and I think he feels rather guilty at the pain he put me through. Your DH needs to understand that it isn't just your family pulling you back - it's your need to "belong" in the place you live. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 When I read your first post I was close to tears whilst my own story is completely different, luck also dealt me a tough hand in Australia and I went through two years of hell there - none of it down to Australia but going through hard times without your friends and family around you is just so much more difficult. I could identify so much with your feelings. I didn't reply then as I was on my phone and I am so sorry to hear your update. Do try hard not to think this is your husbands 'final position' on the matter - hopefully you won't be waiting 32 years like Quoll but I bet she would have never believed she would be living back in the UK with her Australian husband happy too. Try very hard to keep the communication open - remember he doesn't need to agree with you, so don't try to convince him you are 'right' - there is no wrong or right - what you think/feel/want simply is what you think/feel/want. Of course the same applies to what he think/feels/wants so do make sure you are listening too. Understanding someone else's perspective doesn't mean you have to agree or change your own. I must admit where both partner's are from the UK then I do think if either is unhappy then that should take priority - maybe there is some kind of compromise you could offer so that life in the UK isn't 'dreary'? Hang in there and keep talking to us and to your husband. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helz980 Posted January 11, 2014 Author Share Posted January 11, 2014 Marriage counselling! Talk about it together with a third part mediator. He isn't listening to what you are saying and he would say you aren't listening to what he is saying. As far as I can see there is no sense of compromise from either of you at the moment and you probably both have to have that to move forward. You've got decision date on the calendar so perhaps do your best not to talk UK in front of him until then - of course you can still talk to Olivia about her heritage, just not in his hearing. Of course you do run a very real risk that come DD he still won't move and will prevent you from removing Olivia from Aus (the Aus courts will not let kids leave, unlike the UK courts) so you might want to work on plan B. Sadly, at some point you might need to make the "least worst" decision. Which is more important to you - life in a place you loathe with him or life in a place you love without him? I stuck Aus for many years because of my husband - life without him was much harder! You can't cuddle a country after all! But we had a liveable compromise which made it a bit easier - not perfect - but at least he listened. As it happens I've got just what I want due to circumstances and I think he feels rather guilty at the pain he put me through. Your DH needs to understand that it isn't just your family pulling you back - it's your need to "belong" in the place you live. Good luck! thanks quoll I think if we continue to talk about it in a grown up manner tbh it was my fault as I reacted to something he said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helz980 Posted January 11, 2014 Author Share Posted January 11, 2014 Thanks for your lovely message. I do think you are right & it's not his final position on the matter he just wants me to try a bit harder & stop being negative so am going to. At least I will make life more bearable for us all. At the end of the day Olivia needs a happy mum & who will then be even happier when I get home. It's strange though cos when I first got back to the uk last aug I hated it! But then I got back into life with my family & friends & realised you know this place is for me. Ive enrolled Olivia into daycare once a week so at least I get a break from being her mum...don't get me wrong I love being a mum but I pretty much have her 24/7 & sometimes I don't see another adult. I do have friends though! I've also signed up to do miss muddy in march in Sydney (5km run & obstacle course in the mud!) ill def keep posting here as its helping me put down my feelings I hope you guys don't think am whittering on lol xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 I haven't been to Bellingham but know of it - a beautiful place to star gaze I have heard. We're hoping to move to Morpeth. Sorry you had a falling out with your DH. I think he is right that in order to really give Oz a go for six months you need to stop commenting on all the negatives, it will give you MUCH more leverage if you can say at the end of six months that you really tried but are still unhappy. If you've spent the time moaning he can easily say you haven't tried and need to give it more time etc. It's good that you are going to try and not say the negative stuff, you can always unload in here instead! If you're still at an impasse after your big talk in six months time I would definitely go to counselling, an unbiased third party could offer some real insight into the situation. Hopefully though he'll come to see that the move back to the UK is necessary for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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