jen140977 Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 Me again!!! I know what is best for me and my family but yet again my parents say they keep crying at the thought of us going, they are always making comments to kids like you cant get chocolate in Australia!!. I'm not a hard person and am not meaning to hurt them but I wish they could say go for it and not tell me they are crying. We are about to submit out application, if we don't do it now, we wont have enough points in a few years. Supposed I am jut feeling a bit sad and want support of others making the move, OH is not very understanding of my parents!! perhaps its I because I am a female??!! Comments from everyone always appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 I think I would be asking them to stop with the comments to the kids. That is unfair and they are putting them in the middle and it's not for the kids to be used as pawns to make a point IMHO. Sure your family are upset, many families are. Some react and cope better than others. You may have to harden up if you are pushing ahead. Hopefully the comments and things will ease, tbh it doesn't usually change anything just causes more resentment and tension. I'd be clear that they save such stuff for you guys though, not the kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kay Dee Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 Hey jen140977, You are not alone, believe me. We moved to Australia just over 3 months ago and did not have the support of my parents. My dad didn't speak to me for 12 weeks after he found out what our plans were and the whole process was horrendous because of their attitudes and disgusting comments. We managed to clear the air before we left and although they didn't understand our reasons for wanting to emigrate, they wished us luck. I felt extremely guilty for wanting to move to Australia in the first place as I felt as if I was taking their Grandchildren away from them, however, I didn't have children for my parents sake! I keep reminding myself of that fact and since we have moved here, we actually keep in touch and "see" my parents more than we did when we lived 5 minutes away. It's not easy to make the move and if we could have our family and friends with us, Australia would be absolutely perfect. Having said that, we have no regrets whatsoever; our children are thriving out here and we have made some wonderful friends. It's definitely worth taking the leap!!! I hope that things improve with your parents and fingers crossed they realise that their negative comments are not helping the situation. Good luck and stay strong because it is a fantastic opportunity for you and your family!!! :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 Well I think that you can and should tell them to stop scaring the children. But you cannot force them to be happy about you all moving to the other side of the world, some parents will keep it inside but others, like yours are more open. Deep down would any parent really be happy about their child moving to the other side of the world, for some it may be the last time they see their child. It was for my mother. Think about how you would feel if you thought you might see your child again only a handful of times in your life and cut them some slack. But as I say, don't stand for them scaring your children, that is not what you need. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quinkla Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 The world is not as big as it used to be. Air travel is relatively affordable and parents could probably travel and get expenses paid hols staying with you once in Australia. In the middle of the British winter. Plus with skype, you can do video calls for free and you can get third party telephone services that make telephone calls affordable (about 1p per minute). Keeping in touch is not hard and nothing like it would have been even 15 years ago. However, you do need to be firm and hold your line. And know that the reality will be much less dreadful than your parents think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fensaddler Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 The world is not as big as it used to be. Air travel is relatively affordable and parents could probably travel and get expenses paid hols staying with you once in Australia. In the middle of the British winter. Plus with skype, you can do video calls for free and you can get third party telephone services that make telephone calls affordable (about 1p per minute). Keeping in touch is not hard and nothing like it would have been even 15 years ago. However, you do need to be firm and hold your line. And know that the reality will be much less dreadful than your parents think. Excellent advice - it will be much less dreadful for all of you than you think. And more bluntly, it is the parent's role in life to let go, and allow their children to live their own life. They should be supportive of what is fulfilling to you. But that's a perfect world, and realistically, it sounds as if they are struggling to get past their own pain, resentment, loss of control, jealousy or feelings of rejection right now - you could be dealing with one or more of these emotions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 We moved out here (gold coast) 3 months ago and I know what you went through. I am very close to my mum (maybe its a mother and son thing) and although she never said anything to us or our kids I could see the heart break in her eyes that not only was I moving away but I was also depriving her of seeing her only grandchildren grow up......a MASSIVE weight on my shoulders...and it still is, maybe more than ever now. My dad was supportive and said if he was my was my age again he would do it. As bad as it sounds I dont really miss my parents for my sake but i miss the for my 2 boys sake (4yrs and 18 months) as eldest loved his play days with nanny and trips to the park etc....so not only did we take that away from him but also my youngest will never experience that. When I look back at my childhood my grandparents were there in almost all of my happy memories, holidays etc.....hmmmm My wife looks at things differently as she was never that close to her grandparents/aunts, uncles etc when she was growing up so doest see any issue with this. We will give it 3 years (wifes sister getting married in the UK in 2016) then decide whether to go back one way! I hope you continue to enjoy your time here. Dan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil & Vikki Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 From reading your post, it does sound rather unfair for your parents to be putting you through all of this extra pressure in what is a highly pressured time on its own. When we said we were going to make the move, none of or parents said anything like that. Yes, they said that they were going to miss us and did not want us to go, but that is it. They didn’t keep on or make us feel bad. They didn’t say anything to the kids. Putting the ‘guilt trip’ on you is bad enough, but involving the kids is not right in the slightest. Like others have put, you sould tell them to stop with the comments to our kids. With the crying you could always say that hearing that is making you cry all the time and that it may be best if you did not see them as much to stop the crying circle. Tell them it is a hard enough time for you as it is without the extra pressure and ask them if it would be easier if you didn't see them as often. Turn it around and let them know you are going and they cannot stop that, but if they don't stop the guilt trips, they could push you all away and as a result see less of you before you do go. Sometimes you have to be crule to be kind and think this is one of them situations for all of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 I'm with Rupert, tell them to stop scaring your kids but don't expect them to be happy that you are screwing up what they thought would be their lives in old age. They are grieving for what they are about to lose and, no, that isn't comfortable for you but when you are grieving all rational thinking goes out of the window. I'm not saying that what they are doing is right but you do need to cut them some slack for what they see as a huge loss in their lives. I wouldn't be expecting them to trek across the world for their holidays to see you either - you're the one doing the moving, you need to factor in the cost of visiting to keep the connections going. I was very fortunate in that my parents never did the guilt trip thing and we did the visits until my parents decided that they wanted to do the 6/6 thing in Aus but that was their choice not our expectation in the same way that our returning to care for them is our choice not their expectation. I never guilted DS1 who decided that UK offered him a far better future and lifestyle - in fact, the only guilting I have had has been from the daughter in law who saw our move to UK as being terrible for our granddaughters (we aren't there to be surrogate parents/baby sitters) and whilst it would be nice if they could come here to see us all I would never expect them to do that - we are the ones that moved, it behoves us to do the visiting. It isn't easy having grand kids on the other side of the world at the best of times but if you are an enmeshed grandparent (we aren't) it must be unbearable - Skype is next to useless and if the kids are little they have no idea why Mops and Pops live in a box on the desk. Again, I'm not saying that what they are doing is right but it is understandable. They may come to terms with it, they may not - they will deal with it in their own way and if that involves distancing themselves from you to lessen the pain then that is what they have to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jen140977 Posted October 24, 2013 Author Share Posted October 24, 2013 Thank you to all replies, J xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shona7 Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 Me again!!! I know what is best for me and my family but yet again my parents say they keep crying at the thought of us going, they are always making comments to kids like you cant get chocolate in Australia!!. I'm not a hard person and am not meaning to hurt them but I wish they could say go for it and not tell me they are crying. We are about to submit out application, if we don't do it now, we wont have enough points in a few years. Supposed I am jut feeling a bit sad and want support of others making the move, OH is not very understanding of my parents!! perhaps its I because I am a female??!! Comments from everyone always appreciated. I am in a very similar situation with my mother-in-law. I love her to pieces, we all do but has not took the news well at all. We first told her in February when we decided we were going to do it. At first she was in denial as it's something we have talked about a few times over the years. Then things started moving along and it became more real. She has only just started to accept it now after 8 months when our visas are through and the flights are booked. But up until now she's wouldn't speak about it and would cry at every mention, particularly in front of the children when we weren't there which did infuriate me. I believe she has now come to the realisation that this was wrong and tries her utmost best not to do it now although sometimes she has tears in her eyes. It's hard and frustrating to see it happening especially where the kids are involved but as people have mentioned it's just sometime how others cope with the hurt and pain of it all. They will come round because they have to accept it. Don't feel alone x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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