Cobs_Ahoy

Thanks @InnerVoice

We are looking forward to an English spring time, not that I’ve been away long enough to miss one! Still, I can’t wait to pick some wild garlic to make soup/pesto, also might push the boat out in terms of Englishness and make some sparkling elderflower wine, fully embrace our return!!!!!

Yes ping-ponging seems unlikely for us, although we have PR so I guess the option is there, for 5 years anyway! 

That’s interesting @Ceebs-x I’ve lots of stories about people who were here for ages and then had brief stint in the U.K. before returning, I’d not heard of anyone who did it after being here a short time. I like to think the door is open for us to come back, not sure I could put my kids through the disruption again though! 

Good luck with your plans, however they unfold! 

Good luck with it all @Ceebs-x hope you are feeling the sense of relief that I felt since booking our flights! And while it definitely is the end of our Australia story (I don’t think you could pay my husband to come back!), I hope you get a more fulfilling second shot at it! 

Hey @Ceebs-x

just wanted to send a quick message of solidarity- we arrived in Queensland at the start of November and by mid December I was contemplating getting on the next available flight home. It’s a horrible feeling when that loneliness and panic kicks in, I still remember how it felt.

We are currently in the final stages of our plans to return to the U.K, and will have been in Oz about 6months by the time we get back. I’ve got an active thread in Aussie Chat at the min “Having a Wobble” that might be worth a read, I found it helpful to talk through some of my feelings with people on this board , even if it was just figuring out that I disagreed with what was being suggested. I am glad we didn’t jump on the first flight home, but only you know long you can stick it out for. I probably could have held out here for 1-2 years, but my husband was having a rougher time than me and we also had other stuff to consider like what timings worked best for kids.

A good friend of mine and her partner moved from Barcelona to a small town in WA when we were in our twenties, she lasted three weeks before ending her relationship and moving back to Spain. She never regretted sacking it off so quickly,  sometimes you just know! Conversely, my sister hated moving to Melbourne from Bangkok, but she battled through it and now loves living here, so I guess sometimes you don’t actually know. Totally unhelpful ending to my post, but just giving you a variety of stories so I dont seem so biased!!!!

I hope things have improved for you since you last posted, whether that’s feeling less homesick or having booked a flight home. 

22 minutes ago, Constance said:

I'm glad you have worked out the solution that is best for you. 

The accommodation part panics me a little as it is my biggest concern logistically and it's had a very significant impact on you. 

You sound very at peace with your decision though, and that's the main thing. There's much worse things than having a 6 month holiday and life experience so good for you. 

Cheers @Constance I think my sanguine posts belie a very stressful couple of months, and although I’m framing our choices positively I am disappointed that our experience wasn’t what we had hoped. However, we were not happy with where our lives were at this time last year in the U.K., and I do think this experience has given us some clarity about what needed to change. 

Yes the housing situation was a significant part of the stress, but it wasn’t the only factor, and some of the issues were unique to us. So while it’s good to be prepared, please don’t let my experience worry you too much.
 

Good luck with your move, even despite our return to the U.K. I am glad we did it, although I wish we hadn’t bothered shipping our furniture

21 minutes ago, FirstWorldProblems said:

And you have the Wye Valley and Forest of Dean to the South of the county. Kayaking from Ross on Wye to Symonds Yat is really popular. I’m running a forest race there late April and the videos of past events look beautiful.  It’s a lovely area and what a great place to raise children. They’ll have you down at Go Ape every month!
 

Good luck. Sounds like a really promising next phase for you all. 

Thanks @FirstWorldProblems We are going to be over towards the Gloucestershire side of the county, very much looking forward to exploring the wye valley and the Forest of Dean. 

Thanks @Toots and @Quoll I’m glad we didn’t rush home back to Nottinghamshire in a blind panic back in December, this way feels much more positive and like we are moving forwards. And very excited about Herefordshire, looking forward to having the black mountains and Malvern hills on our doorstep, and being closer to Bristol is a real positive for us too as we have good friends there, who I will never take for granted again!!!!

I hope you make it back for April Quoll, I’ve discovered an innate love of English spring time since moving to the Gold Coast!!!

Hi @Constance

Not weird at all, I often find myself wondering how posters on this forum have got on.

We are still in Australia, but making plans to return to the U.K in April. We were having no luck finding stable accommodation on the Gold Coast, and I think unfortunately the ongoing stress of that really compounded our homesickness and made it difficult to enjoy what Australia has to offer. When we were facing homelessness (on Boxing Day!!!) we found ourselves in a situation where we had to take on a ridiculously expensive short term tenancy, we were hoping after the summer holidays finished the pressure would ease housing-wise and we could move into something cheaper, unfortunately that hasnt happened.

If we had fallen in love with the country, or were in a situation where we were substantially better off/the kids had a better life/better opportunities, we could have worked at resolving the housing issue - eg moving somewhere else etc. However, we just aren’t that invested in staying here, certainly not enough uproot the kids from school etc, just to move back to the U.K. in 6/12/18 months time and uproot them again.

We left the U.K in September, (admittedly 4 weeks of which were spent in Europe before we came to Oz!), and so feel like we’ve scratched a pandemic-induced itch of getting out of the u.k. But we are returning with a better sense of what bits of British culture are important to us, and what changes we need to make to avoid getting stuck in that rut again. We are returning to a new area of the U.K. (moving from a Nottinghamshire town to Herefordshire -inspired in part by the beautiful Queensland hinterland), I’ve got a brilliant job waiting for me (I hated nursing out here), and my husband is having a career change (from working in social care to working towards becoming a ranger!).

And we are in the sweet spot with the kids - they have loved their time here but still talk about moving home, my 7yo didn’t like school here and I’m pleased I can get her back into the English school system before she feels too left behind.

Basically, it’s been a 6 month working holiday!!! We’ve had some good times, but we are excited to return to the U.K

Yes that was my thoughts about whether it’s better just to get the kids back asap @Marisawright but now I’m less panicky, I’m learning more towards giving them a proper ‘experience’ of what it’s like to live abroad, so that if/when we return to the U.K. it’s something that has been positive for them and they can look back on it fondly. I was so worried about extracting my 7yo from friends/family in the U.K. but it went far better than expected and if anything has really helped her confidence, hopefully a return to the U.K. would be similar. I think one year would be ok, friendships in the U.K. can be maintained without too much drifting,  2 years probably is a bit too long at that age. 
 

you are absolutely right about our ‘give it a try’ mentality, Australia hasn’t been a lifelong goal/dream, it was simply an opportunity that presented itself due to the pandemic, and at that point we were feeling frustrated/trapped with our circumstances in the U.K. if we do return to the U.K., it will be with a renewed sense of purpose and a better awareness of what we need to do to improve our lives there, and hopefully with a lot off happy memories of a great adventure living abroad for a year (or so). 
 

Im also finding that my clinical placement isn’t helping - I’m working with adults who are post-retirement age and it’s giving me some serious guilt about leaving my aging mum alone in the U.K! I wouldn’t have described myself as someone who was particularly close to family, but the thought of my mum needing care/being in hospital and me being in Australia is tormenting me!!!!

That’s actually really helpful @DevilsAdvocate as that feeling of being overwhelmed describes it exactly, and that’s something that I’m not used to feeling. It made me feel panicky because when you have children it’s scary to feel like you lack the skills/knowledge to manage if there was a crisis, particularly as you don’t have the safety net of friends/family around you.

Thanks for sharing that @Quoll and I’m sorry to hear that the unhappiness with being in Australia is becoming more prominent for you. What you said about not wanting to grow old/die here and returning ‘home’ while you still can really resonates, and I think that is what’s driving my thoughts at the moment. 

I can see where you’re coming from @DevilsAdvocate and agree with giving it a try, but we will need to make a decision that balances ‘giving it a shot’ and the well-being of our family as a whole. I guess it’s this balance that will determine how long is long enough.

For me, I would set it at a year - long enough to feel a bit more competent in navigating social and systemic idiosyncrasies+ long enough that we can say  we got a real sense of whether we would ever feel at home, balanced against returning to the U.K. without it causing significant distress to the kids. A year also given enough time to address things that are causing issues (eg I work/rentals etc). 

However, that’s only my personal way of approaching things. My husband is struggling more than me, and he has said a year feels like a lifetime. My marriage and our family unit is more important than making this work, so I’m not going to enforce any arbitrary timescales.

I have found that things have improved for me since I started this thread, but the home sickness is still there. I no longer have the desperate panicky feeling and think I would genuinely enjoy being here for a few years while I see how things go.

Thanks to everyone for chipping in with their experiences.

@Constance ausvisitor is right about paperwork documentation, you will need lots, but once you’ve got it all together and completed your profile on the app the agents use it’s fairly easy to apply, which means you can fire off multiple applications quickly once you get going.

the only point I would raise is that I have found we weren’t getting a look-in due to a lack of rental history in aus and no wage slips from my employer. I had letters from U.K. mortgage prover showings no missed payments, references from previous and current employer stating salary, bank balance showing decent proceeds from U.K. house sale. But because we alerts looking before I had started my job, I didn’t have the wage slips, and because we were new to the country I didn’t have a rental history.

we were offering 6months upfront, lots of references, decent bank balance, PR visa, police checks with no criminal history, evidence of permanent full time employment with a government department (so very secure). However, the southern end of the Gold Coast where we are looking has some of the lowest numbers of available rentals, and this was exacerbated by the time of year (summer hols, so everyone short lets their properties for double the price as holiday rentals). 
 

we have managed to find a 3 month let via gumtree, this allowed us to bypass the fairly rigid assessments of estate agents which  required wage slips and rental history. This is risky as you could be ripped off, but the landlord was off travelling for 3months and his grandkids go to the school we enrolled my daughter in, so we felt relatively reassured we’d be ok. We are also paying double what we budgeted (and our budgeting wasn’t stingy!), however the house we’ve got is amazing in terms of size, location, and it’s fully furnished. So we are sucking up the cost and taking the attitude of having a great summer, while knowing that by the end of the three months we will have a rental history, a reference from an Australian landlord, and I’ll have some wage slips by then.

it’s been much harder, much more time consuming, much more expensive, and much more stressful than I expected. But lots of that is due to our individual circumstances, so is not necessarily going to be the case for you. Do t get bogged down in other people’s horror stories, but definitely get as much paperwork as possible ready!

2 minutes ago, Quoll said:

You'll probably find Christmas is exacerbating your anxiety as well.  If you come from a family which celebrates such things, being on the other side of the world in a different season just seems plain wrong (after 43 years I still find it so) - it emphasises what you have left and hones in on your isolation.  Once Christmas is over it's not so bad and once you have accrued some leave you will be able to do things together which might be a little more enjoyable.  Expect tears across the board though if you decide to FaceTime people at Christmas, they will be missing you as much as you will be missing them. 

Interestingly one of the things I was most looking forward to was escaping the burden of seeing family at Christmas!!! But Christmas back home seems very appealing right now, probably because I am in a really depressing hotel and the management made us take the Christmas lights down that we put on the balcony! 

You’re spot on @Jon the Hat about waiting for the kids to find their feet, it’s awful watching them cry and I think that’s feeding into my worries. Actually my 7yo seemed to make a good start, but I know she is finding the change hard and missing her old school/friends/family.

Thank you for sharing that @ramot I have seen your other posts and know how settled you are here, so it helps to know that even you had a rocky start! The motel comment has really struck a chord, we are currently in a bleak hotel and it’s definitely having an effect. Much like @Marisawright ‘s point, when we get out and go to the beach/parks etc I find the anxiety subsiding. The bit of Australia that appealed still do seem wonderful, they are just overshadowed with stress and home sickness at the minute.

On 14/12/2022 at 17:09, Bulya said:

It really doesn’t sound like you had the commitment to move here in the first place.  And to settle you have to change, is that going to happen?

I was committed to the move, but on reflection it was a commitment to something totally unknown, so in some degree it was hypothetical! I guess like lots of parents with young children, we took a chance on seeing whether life out here would be a better fit for us than in the U.K. But as someone who wouldn’t describe themselves as dependent on family/needing lots of support from friends, I perhaps underestimated how intense home sickness can be. I think my ambivalence stems from whether my homesickness is likely to subside once some of the initial stressors have been addressed (eg rental and job). But I appreciate no one can answer this!

10 hours ago, FirstWorldProblems said:

I was only there for 15 months. Came for a work assignment that ended abruptly when we lost a big contract and I was made redundant.   That was a bit shitty.  

That does sounds really stressful, now I see you had a flare up of shingles!

12 hours ago, Ausvisitor said:

Whilst everyone will tell you (and they are right) that you've made a commitment and it might cause a wobble in the citizenship process, if you are sure you are heading home for senior school anyway then it isn't that big an issue because you might be leaving before you get citizenship anyway.

4 years is a long to "make do" just to get a piece of paper that may not ever be of use to you anyway 

Yes 4 years feels like an eternity right now!

14 hours ago, Quoll said:

You shouldn't miss the point of no return. As long as your kids are there to start secondary school or GCSE at the very least you should be OK. Its once they get into high school that it really seems to bite. Plenty of time to go with the flow, there's time enough to settle when you're dead! 

Yes I think you are right, i do struggle to go with the flow and have a tendency towards ‘fixing’ things. Cant imagine us being here until secondary school though to be honest!

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone for taking the time to reply, it really helps to hear from others.

11 hours ago, FirstWorldProblems said:

I'm going to echo what others have said and share my own experience.

You're going through a lot of change and all at once!  Everything you were connected to, could rely upon and that grounded you has been removed.  Not having secure accomodation will be adding a lot of stress.  What you are feeling is completely normal.   When I relocated to Australia I got stress induced shingles from it all and I had it easier than you are!

As @Bulya said, it's probably more like 3 years to settle, so go easy on yourself.  I wasn't in Australia for three years, but I returned with a new wife and she went through about 3 years of challenge.   When I tell you that she loves it here in the UK, I can't emphasise enough how much she really, really loves it here.  If it wasn't for her large, aging family we wouldn't be heading back.  Yet.....she was crying herself to sleep for most of the first year and whilst it reduced it didn't stop for a good three years.   It was hard to be apart from loved ones, hard to start again and hard to feel so very dependant upon the only person she knew here in the UK (me).

I think @DukeNinja has it right - set a realistic goal and focus on that.  It will ease the near-term pressure.

Your daughters schooling isn't an issue.  It's perfectly natural parental concern, but don't let it add undue stress upon you.  She will bounce back if you do move in a year, 2 or even 5.  Quick example, one of my best friends emigrated to the UK from Brazil.  His two kids were in year 1 and 4 of primary school the following week and literally couldn't speak English.  They quickly caught up.  Sadly family health matters saw them head back to Brazil last year after 7 years here.  The kids were now native English speakers and had to start again.  They're doing absolutely great.   Thriving in their education with loads of friends.   Kids adapt.  

Besides....it's bloody freezing over here and the heating costs a packet.  Nothing to rush back to!!!

 

Good luck.  Stay strong.

Thank you for sharing that, I can empathise with the shingles comment as I’m worried I’m coming down with it at the min as a result of stress! Can I ask how long you remained in Oz and what made you decide to head back to the U.K.?

12 hours ago, Quoll said:

I know a family that went back after about 3 weeks and last I heard they were very happy that they had done so - they changed some essential things about their lives "back home" and that worked for them.  The usual mantra is "it takes 2 years" but I reckon you know in less than that whether you'll belong or not. 

With a 7 year old you've got a good year or two to make a decision without too much impact on their education. If it works, you win, if it doesn't then cut your losses and move on but, honestly, there's nothing wrong if it doesn't float your boat. It certainly doesn't help that you've had employer issues and not found a rental but that's par for the course and maybe it's the area you've moved to - maybe you'd be happier closer to your sister in Vic though if you had a job lined up before you arrived are you on a temporary visa perhaps? That would be a whole different ballgame. 

Yes I probably would be happier if we were closer to my sister, but greater Melbourne doesn’t really hold any attraction for me, and also might cause visa issues as I have committed to working in QLD for 2 years.

thanks for sharing the story of your friends who returned, it’s helpful to hear about people who have returned and not regretted it along with stories of those who stuck it out. The comment about making changes back ‘home’ really resonates.

15 hours ago, DukeNinja said:

Not being able to secure accommodation also hasn't probably helped in feeling unsettled. Have you thought about possibly finding a job somewhere where it might be easier to find accommodation? This could be a way to get grounded. We're in Brisbane and rentals are fiercely competitive. 

Remember how hard it was to secure passage to Oz, and how hard you worked for it.

We gave ourselves a five year timeline, at least until we managed to get citizenship. Then we'd have the option of coming back to Oz if we returned to the UK.

Technically I could move - My visa (186) was sponsored by an employer that covers the whole of Queensland, although it is the Gold Coast department who recruited me and they would be (understandably) pissed off if I moved to a different part of QLD. 
 

originally we set ourselves 4 years too, purely for the citizenship aspect, but 4 years feels like too long now as I can see some of the challenges my daughter would face returning to the U.K. school system after that length of time. You’re right though, I don’t want to jump the gun and regret it.

16 hours ago, Bulya said:

October??  It takes years to ‘settle’ 3 years absolute minimum but realistically more like 5.  

Yes I certainly wasn’t expecting to have settled by now, I think the worry is whether I will have missed the boat to return by the time I realise I never will settle.