tea4too

It doesn't have to be a massive connection in the sense of living in each other's pockets. We live a fair distance from the rest of our family but near enough to be part of all those happy, as well as sad, occasions. My child has grown up with a real sense of belonging, knowing where she fits into her wider family relationships, and has so many memories of time spent with different generations of people who love her. Some of those people are no longer here and in that respect I do think her childhood was richer for having the opportunity. Having said that, moving to Aus my nephews could not maintain such close ties but they too have grown up happy in their smaller family unit, and enjoyed visits from family and friends from overseas. I doubt they feel they have missed out and there's a good deal of truth in the saying 'you don't miss what you've never had.' Whether that's a good or bad thing depends on your point of view and is likely to mean different things to different people. T x

People say all sorts when they are angry or frustrated and the 'better childhood' argument is banded about a lot, even when people aren't arguing, but I'm not convinced it is true tbh. As first world countries both Australia and UK produce children who grow into happy well rounded adults. Opportunities and experiences may differ, but different is not necessarily better or worse. My nephews learnt to body board in Australia while my own child did the same but with a wet suite in West Wales, and all of them have happy and treasured memories of that time. I think as adults we can get side tracked by what we think our children need but it's pretty simple for kids, they just need to feel loved and secure. To an extent the rest is window dressing and more about adult values than what a child needs to thrive. T x

I agree, but would suggest choosing your words carefully. If he is trying to intimidate he may not be discouraged to learn that he makes you feel uncomfortable. Perhaps explain that while you appreciate he is not trying to offend, you find constant references to skinny dipping inappropriate and would prefer them to stop. Hopefully that will be the end of it. However be prepared for him to switch things around and accuse you of having no sense of humour, but try not to get drawn into apologising or explaining. You are at work, in a professional environment, and it is not unreasonable to expect work colleagues to act professionally. If he can't or won't do that, take the matter up the line. T x

It has to be worth some proper research, if only to reassure yourself that you have done everything possible? Most Local Council websites are a good starting point for a range of information from amenities to what is going on in the area. Use sites such as Rightmove to check out properties and prices, and Indeed to get a feel for jobs and salaries. Thanks to the internet you can roam all over the country, even taking a virtual walk down a street hundreds of miles away if you need to. Being unhappy with where you live does not necessarily mean you cannot find happiness in the UK, but it probably does mean that you need to change something. I hope it works out for you, take care. T x

A similar thought occurred to me. We live 200 miles from our nearest relatives and it's not a problem as we've found it fairly easy to maintain regular contact. It possibly helps that no matter where you live in the UK you can share a bit of banter on common issues such as the weather, NHS grumbles, political shenanigans and such like while also getting to share the important stuff like birthday celebrations, weddings, Christmas, children growing up and grandparents ageing. But for a small island Britain is very diverse, and it is possible to find a very different lifestyle depending on what you need and where you are prepared to go to find it. Although I accept the weather is possibly a non negotiable issue for some! T x

Work brought us to Wales. We live on the coast surrounded by fields and country walks with easy access to the local shops and cafes of the nearby town. I never tire of visits to the compact and picturesque city of Cardiff with its castle, Bute Park, Millenium stadium and Victorian arcades, not to mention the shopping centre, restaurants and bars. We have learned a little of the language, sing the national anthem with enthusiasm and have raised a happy well adjusted child who, like her Aussie cousins, has done well at school and loves to body board… albeit in her case usually with a wet suit. But perhaps more importantly for us she has childhood memories of extended family at all the important milestones of life. It is much easier to maintain those close relationships when you live hundreds rather than thousands of miles away. While I do understand why you might not want to return to where you were raised, one specific city or area cannot define a country. Culturally, economically and politically the UK is a very diverse place, but posters such as Very Stormy, LKC and others prove it is possible to have good life here, if that is what you want. T x

Your thread title looks for ways to keep everyone happy and I think you may have been trying to do that for too long. Perhaps it’s time to accept that while you love your parents and will always support them, you cannot take sole responsibility for their happiness. Your mother’s expectations of you are likely to increase as she gets older, so it is important to draw some lines that you will not cross. Choose your battles though because it is exhausting (and futile) facing everything head on. Reassure but be firm, explain that you understand what she wants but you really need to do something else. Roll with the negative narrative that will come your way but stand quietly firm, because Mum is really only interested in getting her own way. Be prepared for your relationship to change as the dynamic shifts, but it is a price worth paying to avoid the alternative, which is to indefinitely walk on eggshells waiting for the other shoe to drop. You are stronger than you think as you have already taken the first huge step of moving to Aus. Little steps now! You can do it. T x

Have you checked the website salsera, as they provide quite a bit more than frozen food? My MIL uses Iceland and seems fairly happy with the fresh produce she orders (just had a quick look and there are six pages of Fresh Fruit, Veg and Salad for example). As there's no delivery charge for orders over £25, it might be worth a try? T x

Fair point. Although family experience suggests things may not be much better in England despite their higher treatment charges. T x

I’d second Bath, and Bristol, which regularly features as one of the top 10 places in the UK to live or visit. Maybe pop over the bridge (no toll fees any more!) to lovely Cardiff with its history, culture, Victorian arcades, access to the coast, Brecon Beacons and motorways? It's perhaps also worth mentioning that as a result of devolution, a number of things are different in Wales. For example, NHS prescriptions are free and NHS dental charges are a fair bit cheaper than those payable in England. T x

Do your research Ema, put as much effort into making this relocation work as you did when preparing to migrate to Aus. Look at areas that might provide what you are looking for, take weekend trips to check places out, google local authority websites to see what is on offer or available, think about how far you would be happy to live from extended family, draw a big research circle on a map and use that to check out house prices, schools, commute to work and such like. We relocated within the UK and couldn’t be happier. Life is very different now, we live on the coast, have learnt a bit of the language (Welsh!), love the culture, the people and the easy access to beautiful countryside and quirky towns. Family are 200 or so miles away which means we do not just pop in for a cup of tea, but we are there for all the important stuff and my child has grown up as part of her wider family. Fwiw I too would struggle if I had to go back ‘home’ to live because physically and emotionally I have moved on, however it is not always necessary to move 1000s of miles to be happy, sometimes a quick peep around the corner is enough to make good things happen. Good luck. T x

I sometimes think people expect too much of family left behind. Life is changing for you all but whereas you have control of the decisions, others have no influence on things that will have a huge impact on them, and that can create feelings of real hopelessness and despair. For those left behind the move holds none of the excitement or adventure that you feel, it simply shatters their own, probably long held, visions of a future with you and their grandchild/ grandchildren. When my brother took his family to Aus our mother couldn’t see passed the loss of her grandchildren, the fact that she would not see them grow up or be part of the important milestones in their life. She really struggled and I think she found the decision harder to accept because it was driven by preference and choice rather than necessity. Rightly or wrongly that made her sad to the extent that she couldn’t pretend otherwise simply to make life easier for others. Having said that it’s not easy for anyone, but maybe those making the move are the ones best placed to be understanding, to fix a smile and ride out the negativity. T x

I agree, all of the above! But I would add - reading books I haven't time for in the summer, watching increased numbers of garden birds on the feeders, spotting the first shoots of the daffodils and snowdrops planted last autumn, listening to the rain/ wind/ hail batter a warm and cosy house, realising after Christmas that it stays light for that little bit longer each day, hot water bottles, 13.5 tog duvets, cosy pyjamas, trips to the cinema and theatre, watching the dog run the length of a deserted beach, rosy cheeks, winter boots, woolen hats with a big pompom. T x

^^^^^ This! Go with your heart. Everything else will be much easier to organise, work for, and achieve if you are where you want to be and feel happiest. Good luck. T x

I’ve been thinking about your thread Wattsy and thought I’d share my own experience for what it’s worth as when we relocated, it was easily two years before I stopped thinking of the place we left as ‘home’. Returning for visits the final 10 miles to my mum’s front door were so familiar that even with my eyes closed I knew where we were. And I found that reassuring as it was comfortable, part of who I thought I was. I wasn’t unhappy though as we quickly settled into our new home, found work, made really good friends. Life was very different but we discovered a place that fitted us – there was no struggle to make the move work. Yet despite that a piece of me remained with the family and the part of the UK that we had left. In our case it was a move of 100s rather than 1000s of miles, yet it took longer than I expected for those ties to loosen and to be honest I don’t think it is simply about distance or country. A lot of threads get bogged down in where is better, Aus or UK, when in fact it is about what you need to blossom (for want of a better word) and where you can find the environment that will help you to do that. Life moves on while we ricochet from one decision to another but there’s no exam, we decide for ourselves what is a pass or fail, what works and what doesn’t. Knowing where you and the family are most likely to bloom is possibly the key, and having now lived at both ends of the earth you will have a better sense of what that means for you. All the best in making it happen. T x

I would echo this as a family friend has recently been told by the Pensions people that, despite having 41 years of National Insurance Contributions, she needs to buy an extra 3 years to be eligible for a full state pension. In her case it has something to do with the fact that most of her working life was in the public sector with an employer that ‘contracted out,’ however it still came as a bit of a shock given that she had paid in excess of the required number of years. T x

To a greater or lesser extent we all change as we experience life. Quoll frequently says you can’t ‘go back’, you can only move on, and I think she is right. Ultimately the British weather is what it is – a series of unpredictable seasons, and that is either a big deal, a manageable deal, or no big deal at all. But it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or feels, you don’t get to choose which category you fall into. It might matter less though if other key areas of life were ticking boxes, but not if your heart is really elsewhere. I guess the big dilemma is how long do you hang on in the hope that life improves, or how soon can you reasonably say you gave it your best shot and return to Aus? It doesn’t matter which question you prefer as both will lead you to the next stage of life, and that’s all it is, the next chapter. All the best @wattsy1982 I wish I could reassure you that the weather will pick up shortly but Spring is still a little way off, although I did see some lovely snowdrops the other day so I’m hopeful it hasn’t been cancelled just yet! T x

Don’t leave @Ozzie. Without body language or voice tone it can be difficult to really know the intentions behind a post, and I speak from experience having previously fallen foul of a clearly upset poster when I questioned something they had written. At the time I wasn’t sure whether they had misread my post or vice versa (maybe a bit of both), but it’s often simpler to assume one or other of you is just having a bad day. I would add though, for what it’s worth, that I see @Marisawright as one of the more genuine and balanced posters on here, and having been on the forum for a while can honestly say there has been a fair share of passive aggressive, and downright aggressive, posters. Maybe take a break and come back when you are ready? Your own thoughts and views are as valid as anyone else’s, and having been though the migration process yourself you have a huge amount of personal experience to draw on when offering reassurance or advice to others. Which is more than I can say, yet nearly 8 years after stumbling across the forum I am still here because, despite the ups and downs, most people who post are decent folk with something interesting to say. T x

I’m not relying on PISA scores to validate the quality of education in either country, simply pointing out that reports and television programmes, do not, in themselves always provide context or the complete picture. If I was in the process of emigrating to Aus and read the Sunday Morning Herald article it would be reassuring to know there was a balancing view. Likewise as the thread was posted in MBTTUK as a worthwhile watch for parents (which I don’t dispute), it might also be helpful to know that education is a devolved issue, and that the standards portrayed are not everyone’s experience. T x

For those unable to access BBC iPlayer there are written reviews that give a flavour of what this programme is about. This is a fairly typical example: www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2018/nov/06/school-review-documentary-series Most people would feel alarmed at what the programme highlights however education is a devolved issue, which means the curriculum and policy focus differs between England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland. All four home countries are struggling financially due to the current government’s austerity agenda but, in my experience, while there are some schools really struggling there are also schools that are still managing to produce intelligent, balanced, well educated young achievers. I understand why the programme has been made and it’s right to highlight the real problems being tackled on a daily basis but, if thinking of moving back to the UK, it is not a given that your child will experience this level of education. Finding the right school for your family may be a challenge but it is not an impossible task. Just to put this in a different context (and definitely not to start a UK versus Aus argument) in 2017 a UN report ranked Australia 39 out of 41 countries for quality education. Some parents will identify with the findings, but equally there will be other PIO members living and raising their children in Aus who will feel it is not a true reflection of their own experience. T x www.smh.com.au/education/un-agency-ranks-australia-39-out-of-41-countries-for-quality-education-20170615-gwrt9u.html

Hi Rachael, I haven’t any personal experience to offer but as a parent your post struck a chord with me too, and it is to your credit that you appear so philosophical about the ups and downs that you have been forced to deal with. As you haven’t mentioned returning to Aus with your parents, I assume you have decided to let them make their life choices while you get on with yours – probably a wise move in the circumstances. And fwiw I don’t think you should worry about being a late starter at University or anything else, as ultimately a few years age difference will make no difference to the overall experience. You are on the threshold of new and exciting times and while there will still be ups and downs, they will be yours to deal with. Even better, all that you have coped with so far will help you to manage any future challenges. All the best. Tx

Separated and divorced parents can, and do, successfully move to Australia so I would hesitate to tell anyone that migration is a bad idea. But a mother and father’s first and joint responsibility is surely the child they brought into the world, and while the adults are part of the equation what the child needs to feel loved, safe and secure has to be the priority. Separated adults will always disagree on all sorts of issues, but they tend to focus on things not even on the radar of a child whose view on life is much simpler. If a new start or change of scene or different opportunities are what the family need, by relocating within the UK it is possible to achieve all of that while also maintaining wider family relationships. When the children are older and more independent that may be a better time for the balance of priorities to shift to include the wants and needs of the adults? But whatever you decide, very little is final. It is just a new direction and the next stage of life. T x

@The Pom Queen can we have the 'hug' emoticon back? I didn't want to 'like' your post or add a wrinkly smile, but sending hugs anyway. T x

It is life, sadly. We live hundreds of miles distant from both sets of parents (rather than thousands), and it is still difficult as we are not on hand to provide the sort of day to day support needed. I tell myself that as parents we raise our children to be capable adults, able to make independent decisions while finding their own way in the world, and I think that’s true. However, while it is not a bad thing to move away there are consequences on both an emotional and practical level, and I think that’s something we have to own tbh, dealing with it as best we can. T x