How to tell OH I want to go home????

[Guest SophieKin]

Hi everyone.

 

I am eager to emigrate to Oz and have been reading lots of posts on these forums with great interest. The people who want to return to the UK I find quite interesting and a bit worrying as I worry I will be unhappy after moving. (Am asking advice)

 

My children are 11 and 9 years of age and are happy to move to Australia.

 

My eldest has a very spiteful set of girls in her year group so is very unhappy at school and there is lots of bullying with lots of the kids.

 

My youngest has "growing pains" in her knees so finds the cold weather very very painful and is unable to do the swimming and bike riding in the cold weather needed to get her knees better.

 

My husbands job (electronic engineer) is going to be ending within the near future as his company are going to Korea and China.

 

As for me? I am unhappy living in the environment I live in as its got a criminal element around our streets and the people are not very nice at all which I don't want my kids involved in.

 

I was wondering exactly what people were unhappy with in Australia. Is the different culture? Missing family and friends? Lack of money? Lack of jobs? schools? weather being too hot (my hubby works in the UK with 3 Aussies who moved to the UK as OZ is too hot!!):biglaugh: the people on the forum tend to say they are very unhappy but not the why's. This is not an anti OZ or Anti UK just interested how easily people settled into a different country and different culture. Is it not so much the "grass is always greener?" May be its not a matter of one reason but that if someone is happy in the UK does it make it harder to settle? As my family are unhappy where we are will it be easier to settle? I wake up in the UK with great unhappiness and sadness and so want to get away thus will this make it easier. I have to admit, if I was waking up every morning being unhappy (I do) I would want to change the situation if I could (am) but with kids in school this is not so easy.

 

I want to make sure I am doing the right thing for my family and not leading everyone down the wrong road.

 

Any advice would be welcomed. Do I put my kids and family first or the aging parents? If I wait til they are no longer with us it may be too late for the kids to get an Australian life.

 

HELP!:cute:

 

Jennie, Julian, Abigail (11) Melissa (9)

 

Hi

 

I agree with Quoll for the reasons she does not like Oz. It is so bland and dull here, after a while everywhere seems to look the same and you can drive for miles and miles to get anywhere. I feel isolated here. It is so far away from anywhere. The heat is too much for me in the summer and I feel trapped at home with my young family as for weeks it is too hot to go out. I got out so much more in the harsh winter weather of the UK! I miss my network of support( dont underestimate how this will affect you). You will literally have no one to help you out with the children unless you manage to make good friends quickly. I also think of my parents at home in the UK and think they are not getting any younger and I have taken their grandchildren away from them. It is so expensive here now for everything, petrol is the only thing I have found cheaper. We are working harder, for similiar pay, more hours, less holidays and more stress.

 

There are lots of positive things about Australia and so many people will build up a great life here and will be happy, but make sure it is what you want. I WAS happy in the UK, if I wasnt maybe I would have settled better. Maybe try to do a reccie before you come out to get a feel for the place you will be living.

 

This is only my view and unfortunately Australia isnt for me. It is a great place so dont be put off by people returning, just be 100% sure.

[Guest Les & Woz]

Hi

so sorry to hear you feel this way. Where are you? I am in Melbourne and I love it but by OH wants to go home, it is very difficult and not a good situation. If you need someone to email please feel free to bend my ear. les.jennings@hotmail.co.uk

 

Hope you can sort it out x

[Guest soozie]

hi spongebob,

dont be put off going by reading others misfortunes - if we all went on others experiences, no one would leave the house!

but do learn from it; it doesnt matter how many times you visit aus, how much research you do - you can never tell if it will work out for you until you get there and start living day to day. when you are planning all this moving, also talk about what you would do if one of you didnt settle - would you try a different city/state, would you give it 1 year, 2 years, or would you go home if one of you didnt like it or go home if more than half the family didnt like it. My oh was silently terrified that 'permanent visa' meant he could never return to the uk!!! as i do the 'sorting out' of all the house, i just presumed he understood :lol:

 

take on board all the issues discussed here and talk to your oh before you go; you just never can tell until you get there.

 

good luck to all those in the situation at the moment, i hope it works out the best for all of you :wubclub:

[Guest MSTO]

Hi

 

I know there are a lot of you out there who are returning home with partners who were happy being in Oz and there are others where both partners are unhappy and want to return home.

 

I was wondering how to approach the subject with my OH as he seems relatively happy here and I dont want to go about it the wrong way. I have brought it up several times over the last few months how I cant settle and want to return home at some point and my OH seems OK with this and says he would like to move back in the future - but that is it, I don't really get a time! I am trying to play down how bad I feel but I desperately need to know as I cant carry on the way I have been by pretending that I am OK. I also feel like I cant mention returning home to anyone else(including family) as they all seem to think it is crazy not to want to live in Australia!!

 

My biggest fear is I just snap one day and we just end up packing up and going home without any real plans or discussions. I also dont want to make my OH return if he is happy here. Some days I think I can put up with it for a year or so and other days I cant stand to stay here a day longer. It is an awful situation to be in. :sad:

 

Hi Sophie,

 

I agree it is an awful situation to be in, you need to talk to your husband and really let him know how you are feeling and that you want to return home. I have been there where I kept putting on a brave face but it all got too much and I just could not do it anymore, I was crying most days. I worried so much about it as I too felt what if it all went wrong and felt it was a huge thing on my shoulders returning. In the end I couldnt carry on and my husband just made the decision to go home, he too like it here but would prefer to have a happy wife than live in Australia. Now that we are going he is really cannot wait, probably more excited than me:jiggy:

 

Fortunately for us my OH has a job to return too but we would have gone if he never, because it seriously is not worth staying here just because you have a job.

 

You maybe surprised what your husband says if you sit down and have an open and honest converstion.

 

I really do feel for you I would wish it on my worst enemy the feelings I went through.

Good luck and take care:hug:

[Guest spongebob]

Thanks guys.

 

Thanks to Quoll, Julie W and Sophiekin. Really appreciate your honesty and kind of said what I was thinking if not saying out loud. Lots and lots to think about. :wideeyed:

 

I was in Australia in 1987-8 but I was a young 20 something backpacking round Australia for a year, not a 45 year mother of two! Kind of colours your view on what Australia was like as you forget the negative bits over the years and only remember the good bits! :wink:

 

It has given me lots to think about, to look to the inner me of whether this is the right move or not.

I know I don't want us to stay in the area we are currently living in. As for the UK, not a lot of work currently in the UK in the industry. We could move to Cardiff in Wales or Cambridge but for the money we would have we could afford a 3 bed terrace or a 2 bed flat in Cambridge. We have considered a move within the UK looking at Dorset, Hampshire etc. (come from Sussex)but no work. There are no jobs available further North either and we have been applying for the last 3 years. (Although my OH has a job this will end in the next 18 months so need to do something soon).

 

Whats important to me is to be realistic as much as possible so reading and getting advice is good. I want to move for the right reasons (not because of some "happy" memory from 20 odd years ago and not the wrong ones. I know I want to move to Australia as I personally want a completely fresh start away and loved the Australian culture (the one I remember!) . The question I am trying to get round is...is it right to drag my family away.

 

In some ways we are lucky as we do not have that close knit family group you speak of but this does not mean its not hard. (After all its the kids your taking away) Mine would be unhappy at not seeing their grandparents but their grandparents can't come to see them now and before long the kids will be off doing their "thing". Thats what I tell myself anyway.

 

Thanks for the truth about what causes unhappiness and I will give this lots of thought and consideration before leaping into a decision. Thanks. :smile:

Jennie

[Quoll]

Thanks guys.

 

Thanks to Quoll, Julie W and Sophiekin. Really appreciate your honesty and kind of said what I was thinking if not saying out loud. Lots and lots to think about. :wideeyed:

 

I was in Australia in 1987-8 but I was a young 20 something backpacking round Australia for a year, not a 45 year mother of two! Kind of colours your view on what Australia was like as you forget the negative bits over the years and only remember the good bits! :wink:

 

It has given me lots to think about, to look to the inner me of whether this is the right move or not.

I know I don't want us to stay in the area we are currently living in. As for the UK, not a lot of work currently in the UK in the industry. We could move to Cardiff in Wales or Cambridge but for the money we would have we could afford a 3 bed terrace or a 2 bed flat in Cambridge. We have considered a move within the UK looking at Dorset, Hampshire etc. (come from Sussex)but no work. There are no jobs available further North either and we have been applying for the last 3 years. (Although my OH has a job this will end in the next 18 months so need to do something soon).

 

Whats important to me is to be realistic as much as possible so reading and getting advice is good. I want to move for the right reasons (not because of some "happy" memory from 20 odd years ago and not the wrong ones. I know I want to move to Australia as I personally want a completely fresh start away and loved the Australian culture (the one I remember!) . The question I am trying to get round is...is it right to drag my family away.

 

In some ways we are lucky as we do not have that close knit family group you speak of but this does not mean its not hard. (After all its the kids your taking away) Mine would be unhappy at not seeing their grandparents but their grandparents can't come to see them now and before long the kids will be off doing their "thing". Thats what I tell myself anyway.

 

Thanks for the truth about what causes unhappiness and I will give this lots of thought and consideration before leaping into a decision. Thanks. :smile:

Jennie

 

Being older and wiser (LOL) I'd say that at some stage in your life you have to be pragmatic and go where the work is especially in this economic climate. Dreams are all well and good but they dont put food on the table so if you happen to pick up a job in Australia then go for it, great opportunity. If you happen to pick up a job in Cambridge (super place by the way, would be back there in a heartbeat living in one of the little villages within about 15 - 20 miles of the city!) then go for it, great opportunity. The older you get the harder it is to move around and I will tell you that Australia is not a great place once you get over 50 for finding a job unless you have a very specific and in high demand skill set. Whilst age discrimination is specifically forbidden it is not easy to find work once you get to that age unless, as I said, you have skills in high demand or are prepared to take a job for a pittance that no one else wants. You also have to start thinking about preparation for retirement as well - the ideal is that everyone will have enough in their pension pot to be self funding but that is a major task especially when you have kids who still have very expensive needs.

 

You are right about your kids, they will be off doing whatever they are going to be doing once they get old enough. I have one who has emigrated back to UK and one who is being self sufficient in the bush - neither of which I would ever have predicted but that's the way it goes and then you have to look at what you as an older adult want out of life. If you want to spend your days fishing on the beach then Aus is as good a place as any. If you want weekend breaks to experience different cultures then it isnt.

 

Australia is a very different place to what it was 20 years ago - perhaps you need to revisit just to check and see what it looks like now before you burn any bridges.

[Guest spongebob]

Thanks Quoll for your very sound advice. My OH has been told his actual job is probably going to be moved to China and he will have to go out to work there for a few weeks. I have suggested that when he is in China that we could finance a recce trip for him to see Adelaide for himself (never been to OZ) and to get his CV out to companies.

 

Unfortunately we just can't spend 4 grand on a recce visit for all of us as this is money we will need to move out there and we are not getting any younger!

 

It is interesting to get both sides of the coin so to speak, I don't mean from an anti UK cum Anti OZ or a pro UK nor Pro OZ but just an honest view of why people are happier in OZ and why people are happier in the UK that way my family and I can make a more informed decision. I really feel for people who move and realize it is not for them. That must be the hardest decision of all, to make the move, take the family and then decide it is not for them. However sitting here, I think if it is what we decide to do I would much rather be back in the UK having given it my best shot than sitting here having never tried and living to regret not giving it a go so I admire everyone who gives it a go and finds in the end where their heart lies, be it OZ or the UK.:laugh:

 

We will continue to give everything a really good amount of thought before making a decision. I still want to move to OZ but need to consider all the pro's and cons, letting my head instead of my heart rule any decisions we make! :jiggy:

 

PS Never been to Cambridge! B cheaper to do a recce there than OZ! Have been to Birmingham tho as it has Cadbury World! Have also been to Cardiff as it has the Doctor Who exhibition!

Mind you I have been to Adelaide, to the casino and yes I did have a pie floater!

 

Jennie.

[Guest SophieKin]

Hi Sophie,

 

I agree it is an awful situation to be in, you need to talk to your husband and really let him know how you are feeling and that you want to return home. I have been there where I kept putting on a brave face but it all got too much and I just could not do it anymore, I was crying most days. I worried so much about it as I too felt what if it all went wrong and felt it was a huge thing on my shoulders returning. In the end I couldnt carry on and my husband just made the decision to go home, he too like it here but would prefer to have a happy wife than live in Australia. Now that we are going he is really cannot wait, probably more excited than me:jiggy:

 

Fortunately for us my OH has a job to return too but we would have gone if he never, because it seriously is not worth staying here just because you have a job.

 

You maybe surprised what your husband says if you sit down and have an open and honest converstion.

 

I really do feel for you I would wish it on my worst enemy the feelings I went through.

Good luck and take care:hug:

 

HI MSTO

 

Thanks for your reply. It is encouraging to know there is someone else in the same boat. I need to think of a date and then work towards that. Have you always been unhappy here in Oz and did you ever go on a trip back home before you made the decision to return?

[Guest Kiriforge]

Hi guys,

I need someone to talk to outside of my family. I can't keep asking them what to do because they give me the same answer 'it's your life'

 

I have been in oz for 2 years. I met my boyfriend here on my first day. We didn't get together straight away because we both came out to travel and 'find ourselves' we kept in touch and eventually got together.

 

2 years on he's sponsored and I'm de facto. He loves it here and I did too- for a while. For the pass year I've been home sick. I have an incredibly close bond with my family especially my sisters. Since me coming out here for a 'holiday' that turned into two years they have had children and are engaged. I constantly feel like I'm missing out. I feel like a part of me is missing. I have lots of friends and from an outsider I look like I'm having a whale of a time.

 

We went home together for 2 weeks, wev been back for 3 days. Not long I no. Wen we were at heathrow I couldn't help but feel like I'd made the wring decision and shud b staying in England. I absolutely live it there. Since I got back, I can't eat or sleep and I constantly ring my mum and sisters. He was do happy wen we landed back in bris but I felt suffocated like I was stuck here again. It feels like there is no end or light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I really want to go home but he won't. Ever. I'm not sure what I'll do wen I get home, I can't live in my sisters pockets forever. I don't want to live alone and I certainly don't want to live without him. I don't want anyone else. Suggestions on a postcard please...

[Guest MSTO]

HI MSTO

 

Thanks for your reply. It is encouraging to know there is someone else in the same boat. I need to think of a date and then work towards that. Have you always been unhappy here in Oz and did you ever go on a trip back home before you made the decision to return?

 

 

Hi Sophie

 

I wouldnt say I have been unhappy all the time. I did find it easier without children and we have had some great times. I never really felt 100% settled I have had times when I loved it and other times when I just wanted to go home. Once I had my children those feelings of wanting to go home just got stronger and I just know I didnt want to spend the rest of my life here with it just being us as a family I wanted all my family to get to know the boys and them be part of their lives. I actually think as much as Australia is lovely it is not actually worth feeling so unhappy. I too wasnt unhappy in the UK we had a great life but after spending a year travelling my husband always had the itch to come back which we got the opportunity to do so we did it we were not running away from anything in the UK.

 

In the 5 years we have been here I have been back 4 times. It did not make any difference as I enjoyed every minute of it and every time the goodbyes just got harder and I am not prepared to do that anymore.

 

I honestly feel for you Sophie and hope you can work out something soon:biggrin:

[Guest spongebob]

Hi Kiriforge.

 

I feel for you and your dilemma. I understand where you are and how difficult it is to be a long way from family. You don't say how old you are but you sound young but maybe that's cos I'm old!

 

I traveled round OZ for 1 year back in the 1980's but suffered home sickness so returned home. It was funny cos my brother had a son whilst I was in OZ and I felt I was missing out but after coming back and spending some time with them I realized that I needed to get on with my life. I stayed home for about 3months before wanting to leave again (traveled round Africa). I missed OZ and now am planning to emigrate as soon as I can.

 

I'm not sure what the requirement of a de facto visa are. Does that mean you can't return to the Uk in a certain time period? I would check out your visa options to start with. To be honest I would explain to your OH you're unhappy living in OZ at this time (its not him), that you feel homesick, that you feel you can't be happy til you have spent time at home with your family. It doesn't have to mean you want to split up, just a chance to see family and return home for 2 months or even 3. Then you can make a decision to return to OZ if that's what you want to do.

 

There is the obvious risk of not wanting to return to OZ, relationship may not survive, but I am a great believer in if its meant to be it will work out. If he's half the bloke you think he is then he'll understand and support you in your return home. maybe you could book a return flight with a return date of 3 months then he knows your coming back?

 

This is just a suggestion but good luck in whatever you decide and hope happiness is just round the corner.:cute:

 

Jennie

[Guest kimbaroo]

Ladies I no how you feel.. I came over here 2 years ago on a working holiday and met a nice aussie boy who im still with now. my parents where living over here and came over last year but just after christmas decided to go back the UK. Its only been since my parents have left ive been so miserable and its the first time ive been away from my mum for this long, its driving me mad cause i no my heart wants to be in australia and have kids here cos no way do i want to bring them up in the UK, but because my boyfriends aussie born and bred i dont think they'l even be a possiblity that he'd come back to the UK as hes never even left the country! I'm 22 and all my family think il just through my life away going home.

Its hard to make friends and i have non over here and not having my mum here to ring up for advise and go out for lunches with and do the things that mothers do its just really hard ! I just dont no what to do. I just miss my mum :sad: :cry:

[ezzie]

Lydia....run back now! Honestly, I wanted to go back for the past few years but now have 17 yr old ....too late, too late! Your 15 and 13 yr olds would find it hard, but do it now and the eldest will have a year of GCSE's then A levels. She'll also meet the wretched 3 year residency rule for British universities.

 

Every single day I wake-up yearning for England. My hope is that when they're through uni I can return to the UK, but that won't be for another 8 years - and do you reckon I could leave them then? My life is a living nightmare...please, please, don't make the same mistake as me. Get out now...at least you know the girls would slip back easily into life in Oz if you did ping pong back here.

 

Hi Sophie,

your not alone:dull: I have been here 5 years and still ache for home.

I kept waiting to feel settled, it never came. Now i find myself pretty much stuck here for a few years yet. I have 2 girls both in High School, the eldest 15 and a half, so taking her back would be an educational nightmare. Plus she is really happy and doing well in school.

When the eldest finishes school the youngest will be 15 and a half (same problem:arghh:)

By then they will probably have boyfriends etc and wont want to leave!

Believe me i'm not the same bubbly person that left the Uk 5 years ago.....i feel and look as if iv'e aged so much since then.

[Conniebygaslight]

Lydia....run back now! Honestly, I wanted to go back for the past few years but now have 17 yr old ....too late, too late! Your 15 and 13 yr olds would find it hard, but do it now and the eldest will have a year of GCSE's then A levels. She'll also meet the wretched 3 year residency rule for British universities.

 

Every single day I wake-up yearning for England. My hope is that when they're through uni I can return to the UK, but that won't be for another 8 years - and do you reckon I could leave them then? My life is a living nightmare...please, please, don't make the same mistake as me. Get out now...at least you know the girls would slip back easily into life in Oz if you did ping pong back here.

 

This is why we have only given it 7 months- we know we don't like it and we are going back before the kids get too attached to the family we have here in Oz-I really couldn't bear it if my Aussie husband wanted to stay here and hat's off to all of you who have to stay.:hug:

[Guest guest22466]

Sophiekin I so agree with you im in a situation where I can not return home due to the divorce and you live in a world of numbness and feelings that just dont feel right no matter how hard you try and boy do I try.....but you put the brave face on and keeping going....so try sort it out now. wishing you all the best...stay strong

[julesbazz]

I so feel your pain.. All the rele's say you mad to wanna come home, husband adament we aint goin home. My 7 yr old daughter is not settling at all, which upsets me plus we could afford to move back home now!!!

Very depressing, good luck to you xx:sad:

 

 

 

Hi

 

I know there are a lot of you out there who are returning home with partners who were happy being in Oz and there are others where both partners are unhappy and want to return home.

 

I was wondering how to approach the subject with my OH as he seems relatively happy here and I dont want to go about it the wrong way. I have brought it up several times over the last few months how I cant settle and want to return home at some point and my OH seems OK with this and says he would like to move back in the future - but that is it, I don't really get a time! I am trying to play down how bad I feel but I desperately need to know as I cant carry on the way I have been by pretending that I am OK. I also feel like I cant mention returning home to anyone else(including family) as they all seem to think it is crazy not to want to live in Australia!!

 

My biggest fear is I just snap one day and we just end up packing up and going home without any real plans or discussions. I also dont want to make my OH return if he is happy here. Some days I think I can put up with it for a year or so and other days I cant stand to stay here a day longer. It is an awful situation to be in. :sad:

[graciemay]

HI Sophie, i,ve been here nearly seven years and its just got harder each day , i wish for nothing more than to go home, ive never settled and like other quotes i,ve read i too am no longer the same person, i,m tired of being sad and generally unhappy. I remeber the person that came here and as long as i am here i'll never be that again. Unfortunately my oh won't go back he's told me that much, i have 2 children 19 & 21 at the moment i guess i wait for them to leave home and then return on my home to start again or leave now on my own, crappy startingover on my own but crappy living here. Its comforting to know its not just me thts suffering in silence. good luck sophie x

[graciemay]

Hi Julie, reading your quote it could of been me that had written it, i'm no longer the same person nowhere near as happy i'm now officially "depressed" who'd of thought it my english sense of humour, sel confidence have been shot at, biggest mistake i ever made coming here but what do you do and how do you cope when your oh won't return to UK. Are you returning to the UK for good?

[Conniebygaslight]

Hi Julie, reading your quote it could of been me that had written it, i'm no longer the same person nowhere near as happy i'm now officially "depressed" who'd of thought it my english sense of humour, sel confidence have been shot at, biggest mistake i ever made coming here but what do you do and how do you cope when your oh won't return to UK. Are you returning to the UK for good?

 

Oh GM you poor thing-it must be awful for you-really hope you work it out one way o the other-:hug: