How to tell OH I want to go home????

[Guest SophieKin]

Hi

 

I know there are a lot of you out there who are returning home with partners who were happy being in Oz and there are others where both partners are unhappy and want to return home.

 

I was wondering how to approach the subject with my OH as he seems relatively happy here and I dont want to go about it the wrong way. I have brought it up several times over the last few months how I cant settle and want to return home at some point and my OH seems OK with this and says he would like to move back in the future - but that is it, I don't really get a time! I am trying to play down how bad I feel but I desperately need to know as I cant carry on the way I have been by pretending that I am OK. I also feel like I cant mention returning home to anyone else(including family) as they all seem to think it is crazy not to want to live in Australia!!

 

My biggest fear is I just snap one day and we just end up packing up and going home without any real plans or discussions. I also dont want to make my OH return if he is happy here. Some days I think I can put up with it for a year or so and other days I cant stand to stay here a day longer. It is an awful situation to be in. :sad:

[plumm]

Hi there,

At the end of the day you have to be totally honest and talk about how you feel. I have felt very similar to you at times, so I have a good idea where you are coming from. My husband 100% loves it here, but you need to keep those communication lines open, it can cause arguments sometimes but it's no good carrying on and pretending. I don't think there is a wrong way to tell him, just be honest and get it all out in the open. How long have you been here?

[Guest SophieKin]

Hi there,

At the end of the day you have to be totally honest and talk about how you feel. I have felt very similar to you at times, so I have a good idea where you are coming from. My husband 100% loves it here, but you need to keep those communication lines open, it can cause arguments sometimes but it's no good carrying on and pretending. I don't think there is a wrong way to tell him, just be honest and get it all out in the open. How long have you been here?

 

We have been here just over a year.

[sykestykes]

Hi Sophie

 

I also think you should bite the bullet and tell your OH how unhappy you really are. Imagine how you'd feel if the situation was reversed - of course you'd want him to tell you he was suffering, so he could help you feel better.

 

Equally, don't feel you must bottle up your feelings from your loved ones back in the UK. They might jokingly say they don't know why you want to return, but people who genuinely have your best interests at heart want you to be happy and, like your OH, will want to support you.

 

I would just start with your OH and say something like "you know I want to go back at some point? Well, I'd rather do it sooner than later." You're already half way there, because as you say, he doesn't object to the idea of going back to the UK. Once it's all out in the open, you'll feel so much better.

 

Good luck Sophie :wubclub:

 

Sue x

[Quoll]

I agree with Sue except I would probably even suggest a date - like you would like to be back by Christmas or your birthday or some other defined date.

 

If you are still anxious about raising it and your unhappiness is affecting your lifestyle, can I also suggest a visit to your GP - you know what is ailing you but there are supports in place to help you deal with it and maybe if you got some counselling sessions, the counsellor could help you work through what it is that you want and how you can say it best to your DH. They may even be prepared to do it with you in a counselling session then your DH will see that this is real for you and not just a whim.

 

I too think you are off first base - he has at least said he would consider it in the future!:hug:

[Guest SophieKin]

I agree with Sue except I would probably even suggest a date - like you would like to be back by Christmas or your birthday or some other defined date.

 

If you are still anxious about raising it and your unhappiness is affecting your lifestyle, can I also suggest a visit to your GP - you know what is ailing you but there are supports in place to help you deal with it and maybe if you got some counselling sessions, the counsellor could help you work through what it is that you want and how you can say it best to your DH. They may even be prepared to do it with you in a counselling session then your DH will see that this is real for you and not just a whim.

 

I too think you are off first base - he has at least said he would consider it in the future!:hug:

 

I do think the counselling sessions are a good idea. I have been to my GP in the past but they were not sympathetic saying I had to go through a mental health assessment before they could consider any counselling and this put me off. It is affecting my everyday life. I barely recognise the person I am now. I feel like I have changed so much in a short time (I am surprised my OH hasn't noticed this!) Thanks for your advice

[Guest famousfive]

It took my husband and I a year to have a proper talk about returning home. Until then it was always a case of "Yeah,will return someday","lets give it another while and talk again"etc..Then one day I decided enough is enough we need to sort this out,so I started the conversation with "Are you still happy with returning home and if so I think 1yr from now would be a good time" his answer was not expected.He suggested we return sooner!!! Just sit down one night when it's just the two of you and ask straight out if and when you are moving.Nobody can expect you to live in limbo!

Or if you think he is listening but just not hearing why not write it down.Maybe write a list of pros and cons for each place,making clear which one you prefer,and show it to him.

[Guest Lydia]

I do think the counselling sessions are a good idea. I have been to my GP in the past but they were not sympathetic saying I had to go through a mental health assessment before they could consider any counselling and this put me off. It is affecting my everyday life. I barely recognise the person I am now. I feel like I have changed so much in a short time (I am surprised my OH hasn't noticed this!) Thanks for your advice

 

Hi Sophie,

your not alone:dull: I have been here 5 years and still ache for home.

I kept waiting to feel settled, it never came. Now i find myself pretty much stuck here for a few years yet. I have 2 girls both in High School, the eldest 15 and a half, so taking her back would be an educational nightmare. Plus she is really happy and doing well in school.

When the eldest finishes school the youngest will be 15 and a half (same problem:arghh:)

By then they will probably have boyfriends etc and wont want to leave!

Believe me i'm not the same bubbly person that left the Uk 5 years ago.....i feel and look as if iv'e aged so much since then.

[Guest Me123]

i think it all depends on why you want to go back....once you work this bit out it becomes a little clearer...also i urge you to think back to the things that pushed you to oz in the first place....i admit this is very hard when the pull to return is strong......you need to have a no holds barred chat to your OH..be honest with each other....and remember oz is only a place not a prison YOU can return at anytime..

[Guest JulieW]

Hi Sophie and Lydia. No, youre not alone. Ive been here 5 years and very much want to go back. I know what you mean Lydia, my daughter has just started high school and part of me thinks I should stay until she's finished school but, as you say, by then she'll be far more into her life here. My son is only 9. My OH says we can go back next year - I just need to take responsibility for moving us all back when it's only me who's unhappy. I also feel I'm not the same person I was 5 years ago. I've lost a lot of confidence.

[Quoll]

Hi Sophie and Lydia. No, youre not alone. Ive been here 5 years and very much want to go back. I know what you mean Lydia, my daughter has just started high school and part of me thinks I should stay until she's finished school but, as you say, by then she'll be far more into her life here. My son is only 9. My OH says we can go back next year - I just need to take responsibility for moving us all back when it's only me who's unhappy. I also feel I'm not the same person I was 5 years ago. I've lost a lot of confidence.

 

You still have time if you can get her back to do A levels - there would be some leeway that she doesnt have GCSEs because of an international sojourn but you would be back in time (with a gap year) for her to be fee free in uni as well. If you can get her back for GCSEs then all would be fine. If it is feasible to get her back for A levels that would be probably better because, as you say, once they are established with boyfriends etc the move becomes more difficult and you would be facing the 3/4 years at uni here as well - point of no return really.

[Guest JulieW]

Yes, Quoll, thats my plan - to get my daughter back for year 9 so she can do GCSEs and A Levels. Lydia could get her daughter back for A levels, as you say.

 

Its just working myself up to take everybody back when theyre all happy here.

[Guest Stuarts]

Hi Sophie and Lydia. No, youre not alone. Ive been here 5 years and very much want to go back. I know what you mean Lydia, my daughter has just started high school and part of me thinks I should stay until she's finished school but, as you say, by then she'll be far more into her life here. My son is only 9. My OH says we can go back next year - I just need to take responsibility for moving us all back when it's only me who's unhappy. I also feel I'm not the same person I was 5 years ago. I've lost a lot of confidence.

 

Snap, you have just said exactly how I am feeling, I also have children in high school, which makes life so hard. Where about in Oz are you ??

 

I am in Perth

 

Becky:embarrassed:

[Guest JulieW]

Hi Becky. Im in Melbourne. How old are your children? Mine are 12 and 9 so if we go back next year they wouldn't be messed up too much. My daughter is already saying she doesn't want to go back but I think she's still young enough and if I leave it any longer it will only get harder.

[Guest Stuarts]

Hiya, they are 15, 12 and 3, the 15 year old does want to go back, but shes at a funny age for her exams (shes in yr 10). But my husband is quite happy here and work in Perth is good, and its pretty quite back in Brum. Do you know what the cut off age would be for her to go back. She needs her exams to do A levels and then go onto uni

 

Very frustrated at the moment as not sure what to do for the best for the whole family

Becky

[Guest Lydia]

So Perhaps it's possible to get back without disrupting a teenagers education to much.

For Sophie, me and others the problem lies when the other members of the family have settled and are quite happy to stay. Should we expect them to go back, just so we can feel happy in our comfort zone?

I wish we hadn't have started the whole process, all seems such a mess (well in my head anyway)

[Guest The Pom Queen]

Sophie

I am so sorry to hear how down you have got with all this. Please sit down and talk with your husband. At the end of the day who knows he may feel exactly the same as you but he is putting on a brave face.

Please use PIO to vent, that is what we are all here for, as you have seen from this post, you are definitely not alone.

Big Hugs

Kate

[Guest dormouse]

Ever thought of a trip back to the UK before any big decisions?

[Guest SophieKin]

Ever thought of a trip back to the UK before any big decisions?

 

I have thought about this but it would cost so much for the whole family to go back and I dont want to go on my own without the family as it wouldnt really be worth it. We would all need to go.

[Guest SophieKin]

Thank you everyone for your posts. Picking the right time to return is a difficult decision and I think I need to work this out. My children are not of school age so I dont have that problem at the moment, it is the job situation in the UK which is my main concern. I know if I push my OH will go back but I will always be responsible for making us return and I worry that if things dont turn out as I hope I will always have to live with this decision. I know we can make a good life for ourselves in the UK eventually, but it will take time to get things back to normal and I do worry how this will affect everyone.

 

I really do understand how everyone feels and this site is a godsend for people in this position. I hope one day soon I can post on here that I will be going home.

[Guest SophieKin]

i think it all depends on why you want to go back....once you work this bit out it becomes a little clearer...also i urge you to think back to the things that pushed you to oz in the first place....i admit this is very hard when the pull to return is strong......you need to have a no holds barred chat to your OH..be honest with each other....and remember oz is only a place not a prison YOU can return at anytime..

 

There isn't one reason why I want to go back. Of course I miss family, friends, familiarity etc but it is just this huge feeling of unhappiness I feel each and every morning when I wake up which I never had before coming here. It is a whole lot of little things that make me want to go home just too many to mention.

 

I didnt come here for a reason other than I had the opportunity which made it really easy for me to come and I thought why not give it a try. If I had come here because I was unhappy with my previous life I wouldnt be so keen to go back. I think this makes it harder.

[Guest spongebob]

Hi everyone.

 

I am eager to emigrate to Oz and have been reading lots of posts on these forums with great interest. The people who want to return to the UK I find quite interesting and a bit worrying as I worry I will be unhappy after moving. (Am asking advice)

 

My children are 11 and 9 years of age and are happy to move to Australia.

 

My eldest has a very spiteful set of girls in her year group so is very unhappy at school and there is lots of bullying with lots of the kids.

 

My youngest has "growing pains" in her knees so finds the cold weather very very painful and is unable to do the swimming and bike riding in the cold weather needed to get her knees better.

 

My husbands job (electronic engineer) is going to be ending within the near future as his company are going to Korea and China.

 

As for me? I am unhappy living in the environment I live in as its got a criminal element around our streets and the people are not very nice at all which I don't want my kids involved in.

 

I was wondering exactly what people were unhappy with in Australia. Is the different culture? Missing family and friends? Lack of money? Lack of jobs? schools? weather being too hot (my hubby works in the UK with 3 Aussies who moved to the UK as OZ is too hot!!):biglaugh: the people on the forum tend to say they are very unhappy but not the why's. This is not an anti OZ or Anti UK just interested how easily people settled into a different country and different culture. Is it not so much the "grass is always greener?" May be its not a matter of one reason but that if someone is happy in the UK does it make it harder to settle? As my family are unhappy where we are will it be easier to settle? I wake up in the UK with great unhappiness and sadness and so want to get away thus will this make it easier. I have to admit, if I was waking up every morning being unhappy (I do) I would want to change the situation if I could (am) but with kids in school this is not so easy.

 

I want to make sure I am doing the right thing for my family and not leading everyone down the wrong road.

 

Any advice would be welcomed. Do I put my kids and family first or the aging parents? If I wait til they are no longer with us it may be too late for the kids to get an Australian life.

 

HELP!:cute:

 

Jennie, Julian, Abigail (11) Melissa (9)

[Quoll]

Hi everyone.

 

I am eager to emigrate to Oz and have been reading lots of posts on these forums with great interest. The people who want to return to the UK I find quite interesting and a bit worrying as I worry I will be unhappy after moving. (Am asking advice)

 

My children are 11 and 9 years of age and are happy to move to Australia.

 

My eldest has a very spiteful set of girls in her year group so is very unhappy at school and there is lots of bullying with lots of the kids.

 

My youngest has "growing pains" in her knees so finds the cold weather very very painful and is unable to do the swimming and bike riding in the cold weather needed to get her knees better.

 

My husbands job (electronic engineer) is going to be ending within the near future as his company are going to Korea and China.

 

As for me? I am unhappy living in the environment I live in as its got a criminal element around our streets and the people are not very nice at all which I don't want my kids involved in.

 

I was wondering exactly what people were unhappy with in Australia. Is the different culture? Missing family and friends? Lack of money? Lack of jobs? schools? weather being too hot (my hubby works in the UK with 3 Aussies who moved to the UK as OZ is too hot!!):biglaugh: the people on the forum tend to say they are very unhappy but not the why's. This is not an anti OZ or Anti UK just interested how easily people settled into a different country and different culture. Is it not so much the "grass is always greener?" May be its not a matter of one reason but that if someone is happy in the UK does it make it harder to settle? As my family are unhappy where we are will it be easier to settle? I wake up in the UK with great unhappiness and sadness and so want to get away thus will this make it easier. I have to admit, if I was waking up every morning being unhappy (I do) I would want to change the situation if I could (am) but with kids in school this is not so easy.

 

I want to make sure I am doing the right thing for my family and not leading everyone down the wrong road.

 

Any advice would be welcomed. Do I put my kids and family first or the aging parents? If I wait til they are no longer with us it may be too late for the kids to get an Australian life.

 

HELP!:cute:

 

Jennie, Julian, Abigail (11) Melissa (9)

 

Have you ever been to Australia? You might find there are options closer to home which may make things different for you.

 

Australia isnt magic, it works for some and not for others. The weather that so many crave can be just as oppressive as the grey days of a British winter - some of us stay inside more in Australia because it is too hot and fly ridden to bother going outside so you live for airconditioning in the summer.

 

Kids are going to be kids no matter where they are in the world and Australia's girls are just as spiteful bullies as you will find elsewhere - not all of them of course, in the same way that not all UK teenage girls are spiteful bullies either. I find that the schools reflect the socioeconomic profile of the suburb so if you dont live in that great a suburb then the school will probably be similar.

 

It is so easy to put on the rosy coloured specs and imagine that everyone lives the Home and Away life - they dont - and for every thing that you may see as a plus in Australia, with a bit of reframing you could see a plus in UK - they are both first world countries with reasonable economic prospects, good health, good social services, good living environments, beautiful scenery, good education but with different weather. Whether the weather is better or not is a moot point - personally, it isnt better for me but then I dont really like the prospect of having old bootleather skin like so many of my colleagues.

 

It all depends what you want out of life - being a migrant has the potential to be very isolating and you as a family will need to be very self sufficient and quite selfish to be successful here. You wont be able to rely on close friends and relatives like you do where you are now. Both of my boys in adulthood have commented on how isolated our family is when comparing with their partners' extended family network where they live.

 

There is so much I dont like about Australia - I find it harsh, brash, shallow, boring and bland (but of course not everyone else does). I find it hard to relate to Australians despite having had many friends and acquaintances over the years - we dont share a past and we generally dont share the same sense of humour either. I am bored with the sameness of the space - drive for 7 hours up the Hume for example and I defy anyone to be able to pinpoint exactly where they are because it is all the same. The bush is boringly bland - mile after mile of eucalyptus and bark drop. I like my history and there is none that is relevant to me. The distance between places is boring - Canberra is nice enough but 3 hours to Sydney, 2 hours to the coast - all perfectly do-able but when I think of the variety of what I can see even 2 hours from Cambridge - this is emptiness personified.

 

Like you, I wake up every morning unhappy - my first thought is usually OMG I am still bloody here! If the cockatoos have woken me up like they did this morning that sets me in a bad mood for the rest of the day (think jumbo jet on steroids without any harmony).

 

You have a couple of years to make a move before you would reach a point of no return should it all go pear shaped - once kids get into HS it sort of pins you down here and if you dont like it for whatever reason then you do tend to get stuck if you cant get them back into the UK system before GCSEs so you do have the chance to think of it as an adventure before it becomes a "forever".

 

You should always do things with the best interests of yourself and your family in mind - if you have an opportunity not to be missed then dont miss it but dont ever burn any bridges and only gamble what you are prepared to lose. If you can afford to give Aus a couple of years without any ill effects to suck it and see then go for it but you may well find that you can achieve the same sense of well being by moving elsewhere in UK - maybe further south. Ageing parents arent easy to deal with - hence the need for some selfishness. I can tell you now that having parents in their 80s with me on the other side of the world, their only daughter, is one of the most difficult things I have to deal with but fortunately they dont guilt me and I go home every year to do my filial bit - costs a lot but that is our priority.

 

Good luck with it - only you can make the decision for what is best for you and your family.

[Guest JulieW]

Hi there,

 

I think the reason I want to leave boils down to the fact that I simply don't feel comfortable here. It doesn't feel like home. I have some Australian friends but just don't feel as at ease with them as I do with English friends.

 

The isolation Quoll speaks of is a very important point. It means the four of you will very much rely on each other, which can make you closer but can also cause tension. Socially, Australians you meet will have extended family and longstanding friends to meet up with, meaning weekends can be lonely times. My children's schools have Grandparents Day every year, which is hard for my children.

 

As well as personal isolation, there is also geographical isolation, both in the sense that Australia is far from everywhere else and Australian cities are far from each other.

 

Think about what you like about England. Can it be replicated in Australia? If you like quality TV and radio, countryside, birdsong, beautiful old buildings, public footpaths, long Summer evenings, great supermarkets, then they are not here.

 

Australia has most of the same problems as the UK. I think some people forget that. It also has its own unique problems. The weather is one of those. As Quoll says, hot weather can keep you inside even more than cold weather and can be dangerous. Australia has the highest rate of skin cancer in the world.

 

Could your problems be solved by a move within the UK? If it is school bullying and local crime which is making you unhappy, you may find you can escape those by moving to a different part of England.

 

Good luck with your decision.

[Guest guest22466]

Be very very honest with your OH and try to work something out. You can get counselling from some church organisations and both of you should go so that your OH knows how your really feeling on a day to day basis. My NOW EX OH was not really interested how I felt as he spent most of his time here drunk with his family and still does so I left him and still got stuck here as we have a child together. However life is better here for me without the OH but that was my situation.....stuck I still want to go home to my lovely family and friends but can only do that if I leave my son here with his drunken father which will never happen ...no matter how homesick and unhappy some of my days are.

 

We really do put ourselves in a real life situation here with migration if things dont go as we planned we all come with the best intentions but never really know how its all going to turn out. Do I wish I had never come to Australia the honest honest answer is YES.

 

In saying that you have to make the best of a bad situation while you are here and that is what I am doing and have done for the past 7 years and counting .........try keep your sense of humour cos by god it helps. Best of luck in what ever you do .

 

I hope that your OH sees that your not happy here and agrees to go home as I would not like to see you all unhappy and at the worst in my situation. Take care:biggrin: