Am I homesick?

[aconcannon]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum to post in as I definitely don't plan to move back to the UK but I figured the topic fits...we've just celebrated our one year anniversary of living in Australia. We love everything about our new lives & new country & we wouldn't change it for the world, however, I have days where I feel incredibly sad & guilty for being here. Mainly because I know mine & my husbands absence has left a big hole in many family members lives. So where as our lives are better & we're having lots of fun they're missing us & not having quite as much fun & because of that I feel responsible & guilty! Does this mean I'm homesick? I've never once missed home or wished I was there, my only sadness is what I've just described! Does this pass with time?

 

 

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[JockinTas]

It's only natural for you to miss your family members and I suppose that guilty feeling doesn't help at all. I wouldn't say you are homesick - it's that old guilt thing you are suffering from. Happens to a lot of migrants.

 

I only had my Mum back in Scotland and she made sure I never felt guilty. She came out here every second year for 4 months but she was very happy and independent and had a good social life in the village community. I was never close to my extended family - aunts, uncles and cousins as they lived quite far away and I left home when I was 16 to work and travel so I suppose I never really had close ties to 'home'. It's very different for migrants who do come from a close family though.

[aconcannon]

Im not sure that I miss them, which sounds awful & I feel guilty about that too, of course there are occasions when I do miss them but generally chatting to mum & dad most days on my commute to work helps with that & we'll be home this Xmas for a month so the count down helps too. My parents aren't in the best of health & with my only sibling also living overseas I worry they're not taking as good care of themselves as they should. I also worry a little about going home at Xmas & witnessing that they've deteriorated & that scares me that I might question our decision to leave again as my 'family loyalty' would make me want to stay...I can understand now why people avoid going home!!

 

 

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[Guest]

I tend to agree with Jock. Not homesick, just feeling guilty in various ways. I'd try to not let that become a focus or let it get out of control.

 

How you cope with it, deal with it could possibly be a factor in if you did decide return at some point in the future or not.

 

In all honesty, most peoples lives go on ok, just fine even, when loved ones migrate. Sure they miss you but they also don't sit around day after day moping and crying into their cornflakes that you are not there. They get on and live their lives and gradually those things become their focus rather than sitting making the focus you and the fact you are not in the same country. Yes some do struggle more but honestly, you can make it harder on yourselves by letting it fester and keep hankering for how things were.

 

ETA - Had not read your post above as I was writing mine. Your parents not being in the best of health is probably not helping how you feel. I think it sounds like a lot of guilt and as I said, how you cope and deal with that will probably have an impact later on.

 

If your parents are wishing you well and ok with your move, I'd try to take something from that and stop giving yourself such a hard time. Don't let it cloud things and see how things are when you go back for Xmas and then how you feel a while after returning to Aus and a bit longer. Your trip may cause you to question, to feel unsettled and more guilty, it may not. Don't rush into anything and let the dust settle once you get back so you can be objective about any decisions you may make.

[JockinTas]

Im not sure that I miss them, which sounds awful & I feel guilty about that too, of course there are occasions when I do miss them but generally chatting to mum & dad most days on my commute to work helps with that & we'll be home this Xmas for a month so the count down helps too. My parents aren't in the best of health & with my only sibling also living overseas I worry they're not taking as good care of themselves as they should. I also worry a little about going home at Xmas & witnessing that they've deteriorated & that scares me that I might question our decision to leave again as my 'family loyalty' would make me want to stay...I can understand now why people avoid going home!!

 

 

 

 

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How old are your parents? I do understand how difficult it must be especially if they're not in good health and that must be a worry for you. I wouldn't put off going back to see them though. Do they have support from extended family or are they on their own?

[aconcannon]

Yes I think you're right @snifter & it is all about the way you cope with it! It was something my mum said the other day that triggered off these huge feelings of guilt! I'm lucky that none of our family members have tried to make us feel guilty but I know deep down with certain people they definitely will be noticing us gone. My parents for example aren't particularly sociable, they don't have groups of friends & so my husband & I were very much their only real form of a social life, and now with us gone they don't have that & I feel bad I guess that we've taken that away from them. I know we're not responsible for them or for their entertainment but we sort of made it our priority for so many years hence the guilt! Hopefully these feelings will pass!

 

 

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[aconcannon]

How old are your parents? I do understand how difficult it must be especially if they're not in good health and that must be a worry for you. I wouldn't put off going back to see them though. Do they have support from extended family or are they on their own?

 

They're very much on their own. There's only me & my brother, both of us living overseas. In fact most of my family live overseas. My mum has one sister & my dad one brother who live locally but they aren't close & really only see each other birthdays & Xmas etc. when I say there not in good health what I really mean is they both have issues with alcohol & as a result alcohol related problems! My dad is 58 later this year & my mum is 61. I know there isn't anything we can do to help them as they need to help themselves, but when we were there we would take them out & make them do things to stop them drinking & of course with us not being there we can't do that & I feel so terribly guilty in case anything happens!

 

 

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[JockinTas]

They're very much on their own. There's only me & my brother, both of us living overseas. In fact most of my family live overseas. My mum has one sister & my dad one brother who live locally but they aren't close & really only see each other birthdays & Xmas etc. when I say there not in good health what I really mean is they both have issues with alcohol & as a result alcohol related problems! My dad is 58 later this year & my mum is 61. I know there isn't anything we can do to help them as they need to help themselves, but when we were there we would take them out & make them do things to stop them drinking & of course with us not being there we can't do that & I feel so terribly guilty in case anything happens!

 

 

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I can see why you worry about them and feel guilty that they are on their own. BUT you have your own life to lead - easy for me to say but they are both young enough to get help for their alcohol problem ..................... if they want to.

[aconcannon]

I can see why you worry about them and feel guilty that they are on their own. BUT you have your own life to lead - easy for me to say but they are both young enough to get help for their alcohol problem ..................... if they want to.

 

They don't want to, that's the problem! They're both very proud & I guess like all alcoholics don't think they have a problem! I just hope our absence isn't making them drink more & I have a horrible feeling that it is. You're right though & we do have to live our own lives which ultimately is one of the reasons we moved to Australia. I'm just hoping the feeling will pass.

 

 

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[Guest]

Yes I think you're right @snifter & it is all about the way you cope with it! It was something my mum said the other day that triggered off these huge feelings of guilt! I'm lucky that none of our family members have tried to make us feel guilty but I know deep down with certain people they definitely will be noticing us gone. My parents for example aren't particularly sociable, they don't have groups of friends & so my husband & I were very much their only real form of a social life, and now with us gone they don't have that & I feel bad I guess that we've taken that away from them. I know we're not responsible for them or for their entertainment but we sort of made it our priority for so many years hence the guilt! Hopefully these feelings will pass!

 

As you realise, you cannot be responsible for your parents social life or that that don't want or have a large group of friends. I don't think its fair of parents to expect or want that their kids once adults with their own lives are their own main form of social life. People need their own interests and lives outside of their kids as kids grow up. Of course, families like to spend time with their kids and families, but its not always possible as a child's adult life or job may take them elsewhere and away from them.

 

I think that you clearly made them a priority for and spent a lot of time with them, you are possibly going to struggle with things having migrated. Its possible a tougher thicker skin to those feelings and a good dollop of selfishness is needed if you want to make a go of it long term overseas. The other side is the guilt and other feelings win out and you don't cope and return to the UK and you fall back into things there.

 

Personally, I have the view that my parents didn't have me to expect or want me to spend my life living in their doorstep or around them or not spreading my wings and living my life as I would like. And they tend to feel the same way. They freely admit they miss us, that it isn't easy but they accept and understand we need to live our lives for us, not for them. They want that for us too. Having said that, they have a number of good friends and have happily gotten on and lived their lives independently from me since I left home. And I never wanted to remain living close by so that has never been an issue for me. Its just been how it is and we deal with things as and when they crop up. I don't dwell overly on the 'what ifs' as you can drive yourself a bit bonkers with all that and distract from actually getting on and living life in the here and now.

[vickyplum]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum to post in as I definitely don't plan to move back to the UK but I figured the topic fits...we've just celebrated our one year anniversary of living in Australia. We love everything about our new lives & new country & we wouldn't change it for the world, however, I have days where I feel incredibly sad & guilty for being here. Mainly because I know mine & my husbands absence has left a big hole in many family members lives. So where as our lives are better & we're having lots of fun they're missing us & not having quite as much fun & because of that I feel responsible & guilty! Does this mean I'm homesick? I've never once missed home or wished I was there, my only sadness is what I've just described! Does this pass with time?

 

 

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Hi there. I get this too! My parents are in excellent health and long may it continue (touch wood). But I am an only sibling and although they wish nothing but the best for me, I do sometimes feel sad about being in Australia and they are in the UK. They have a good life, I visited recently and I very much hope they visit me in the next year or so. But sometimes get a little pang, or something sets me off. I don't miss the UK as such, but if I am feeling a bit down or am reading news from back home, wish that everything was closer or I could just pop across for the weekend!

 

I don't read too much into it and accept that it's normal human feelings. I would feel less normal if I was gung ho and thinking that life is amazing 24/7!

 

I also miss 'UK things' my friends, weird little sayings or places that are uniquely British. I also look at travel supplements and wish my next holiday could be in Sardinia, or Hamburg, or Ireland etc...! But I have a good life and I don't want to sound like I am complaining, when indeed I'm not.

 

So it's not quite the same as you @aconcannon, as I don't feel guilty as such, more just a little sadness every now and again. Not sure this helps your question or not, really............!

 

I can't imagine that second guessing what might be happening, or how people might feel, won't be helping with your feelings of guilt over not being there (not saying 'told you so' - don't take it the wrong way!).

[Quoll]

Nope, not homesick - that's where you may be doing well, even enjoy where you are but just feel like you don't belong, so much that you begin not to function so well and your thinking turns constantly about moving on to where you do belong. What you have is guilt and only you can Deal with that one! I guess I'm not the one to be saying whether feeling guilty or not is the right thing for you to be doing - I never felt guilty about what I was doing to my parents until it was fairly obvious to blind Freddie that they needed help (at 87) and then, I suppose there was guilt. However, they never ever MADE me feel guilty, so we stayed to support them (only child, no options). At your parents' age I would have been mortified if my kids had ever been hamstrung by such feelings. Bottom line - is your life, to do with as you wish. Your parents are adults and can make their own decisions. If you choose to support them that's up to you if you don't then that's up to you too!

[caramac]

I understand how you're feeling. I felt the same way when we moved to Australia with our three young children. I felt guilty about taking the grandchildren away from my parents, even though we lived 200 miles from them in the UK. My parents never made us feel guilty and would have been mortified if I'd told them how I was feeling, but I felt it all the same.

We came back to the UK, but for work reasons, not for my parents.

 

The shoe is now in the other foot for me. Our eldest daughter caught the travel bug very early on and has spent extended periods travelling overseas since leaving school. She's currently spending a year studying in Russia as part of her degree and has no intention of living in an English speaking country once she graduates in 2018 (she can speak five languages, so wants to use them).

I'm absolutely delighted that she's out there, living her life and experiencing everything the world has to offer. I'm so proud that she has the confidence and motivation to do it. I love hearing about what she's doing via FaceTime or messages - it's exciting.

 

I've told all my children that the world is huge and to go out and explore it. I love them all dearly, miss them when they're away and love spending time with them, especially when the five of us are all together, but I would hate to think that they'd feel guilty, or that they had to give up on their plans and dreams just to live close to me. That would make ME feel guilty.

 

We're probably going to be moving back to Aus for a while in the next year or so and our younger two may, or may not, come with us. They have their own lives to live and we'll continue to love and support them wherever we are.

 

I'm glad they've grown into independent, confident young women and I'm sure your parents feel the same. Make a success of your life, be happy and healthy. That's all any of us really want for our children.

[Rossmoyne]

I agree that you are not feeling homesick... that is such a different thing to what you are feeling now. I agree with other posters too that guilt is your over-riding feeling here. Only you can deal with that of course, and you will need to find good strategies to do so or it will eat you up in no time. Counselling can help a great deal.

 

Your parents are not old and still have years and years ahead of them, and maybe too they are happy with their alcohol crutch. In the past I was married to an alcoholic, and I realised towards the end of our almost 20 year marriage, that there are two types of alcoholics. Those who drink anything to drown out their lives and all feeling and cannot even live in the world without being totally drunk, and those for who alcohol is a part of their life and who are highly functioning and even in good careers, but who spend their evenings wrapping themselves around a bottle of something because it has become a habit they cannot resist. But the bottom line is we all have choices, and if your parents choose that path, it is not your responsibility, and guilt of not being there for them shouldn't figure in your reasoning. Easy to say I know - and believe me I know all about that!

 

Instead of you going back to visit them, have you considered using that money to bring them out to stay with you so they can see you in your new life?

 

As far as leaving a hole in people's lives is concerned when you emigrate, I totally get that, but people all move on, and that whole gets filled with other things. What if you had moved to the other side of UK instead of Australia. You still would be reliant on phone calls, email etc to keep in touch, with perhaps visits a couple of times a year because of the distance.

 

As a parent with adult children, I certainly didn't bring my offspring up to be my social life or my carers when I am too old to live by myself. Both my children are in their 30's now and are very independent adults and have travelled the world. My son currently is living and working in Queensland and my daughter is married and living in Perth now. I am in contact with them both through txt, skype etc each week, but we do not live in each other's pockets, and that is as it should be. We have great social time when we are together whether we all travel to join each other somewhere or it is back in the family home.

 

I hope that we have been of some help to you....

[Marisawright]

Hi there. I get this too! My parents are in excellent health and long may it continue (touch wood). But I am an only sibling and although they wish nothing but the best for me, I do sometimes feel sad about being in Australia and they are in the UK. ... I don't miss the UK as such, but if I am feeling a bit down or am reading news from back home, wish that everything was closer or I could just pop across for the weekend!

 

I also miss 'UK things' my friends, weird little sayings or places that are uniquely British. I also look at travel supplements and wish my next holiday could be in Sardinia, or Hamburg, or Ireland etc...!

 

I think you sound totally different from aconcannon, Vickyplum! She's not even slightly homesick, she's just feeling guilty about how her absence is making other people feel. You're definitely homesick. Homesickness is not about missing a country necessarily, it's about missing home - and home is often more about the people than the place IMO.

[aconcannon]

I agree that you are not feeling homesick... that is such a different thing to what you are feeling now. I agree with other posters too that guilt is your over-riding feeling here. Only you can deal with that of course, and you will need to find good strategies to do so or it will eat you up in no time. Counselling can help a great deal.

 

Your parents are not old and still have years and years ahead of them, and maybe too they are happy with their alcohol crutch. In the past I was married to an alcoholic, and I realised towards the end of our almost 20 year marriage, that there are two types of alcoholics. Those who drink anything to drown out their lives and all feeling and cannot even live in the world without being totally drunk, and those for who alcohol is a part of their life and who are highly functioning and even in good careers, but who spend their evenings wrapping themselves around a bottle of something because it has become a habit they cannot resist. But the bottom line is we all have choices, and if your parents choose that path, it is not your responsibility, and guilt of not being there for them shouldn't figure in your reasoning. Easy to say I know - and believe me I know all about that!

 

Instead of you going back to visit them, have you considered using that money to bring them out to stay with you so they can see you in your new life?

 

As far as leaving a hole in people's lives is concerned when you emigrate, I totally get that, but people all move on, and that whole gets filled with other things. What if you had moved to the other side of UK instead of Australia. You still would be reliant on phone calls, email etc to keep in touch, with perhaps visits a couple of times a year because of the distance.

 

As a parent with adult children, I certainly didn't bring my offspring up to be my social life or my carers when I am too old to live by myself. Both my children are in their 30's now and are very independent adults and have travelled the world. My son currently is living and working in Queensland and my daughter is married and living in Perth now. I am in contact with them both through txt, skype etc each week, but we do not live in each other's pockets, and that is as it should be. We have great social time when we are together whether we all travel to join each other somewhere or it is back in the family home.

 

I hope that we have been of some help to you....

 

Thanks @Rossmoyne your post certainly was very helpful!

 

Luckily my parents fit into the 'functioning' side of alcoholism. They've both run a successful business for the past 30 years & claim the stress of it all is why they drink, but I very much think it's a habit & they enjoy it which ultimately is why I don't think they'll ever change!

 

They've been out to Australia quite a few times over the years as my mum has 2 brothers here. They are planning to come out to visit again either next year or the year after depending on the business & when they can take a prolonged period of time off.

 

Worrying about them won't change anything, I guess things could be a lot worse but I suppose I'm just a bit of a worrier having grown up witnessing their issues with alcohol & to think those problems could have escalated & that I'm responsible makes me feel terrible! I guess our trip home at Xmas will tell me a lot more!

 

 

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[aconcannon]

Thanks everybody for your comments & words of wisdom! Hearing different people's perspective on this issue has most definitely been helpful.

 

I probably should have explained that my parents have never purposely intended to base their social lives around my husband & I, it's more that we've felt sorry for them I guess only really having each other & as a result we've tried helping them out of their rut by routinely seeing them I.e. Sunday dinner, mid week meal out, I also share the same birthday as my mum & my parents married on my dads birthday so celebrations have also been mostly family orientated & of course now we're no longer living there all of this has stopped & I can only imagine the hole it's left in their lives as the quickly seem to have slipped back into their old ways.

 

They've always pushed & encouraged us to follow our dreams of emigrating & they've never tried to make us feel guilty for doing so, even though I know deep down they are devastated.

 

I guess I just love them very much & want them to be happy, so perhaps I have made them a priority for too long & it's time I start focusing on myself instead of others...it's just a transition I suppose I'm finding a little harder to make than I ever expected.

 

 

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[Quoll]

Thanks everybody for your comments & words of wisdom! Hearing different people's perspective on this issue has most definitely been helpful.

 

I probably should have explained that my parents have never purposely intended to base their social lives around my husband & I, it's more that we've felt sorry for them I guess only really having each other & as a result we've tried helping them out of their rut by routinely seeing them I.e. Sunday dinner, mid week meal out, I also share the same birthday as my mum & my parents married on my dads birthday so celebrations have also been mostly family orientated & of course now we're no longer living there all of this has stopped & I can only imagine the hole it's left in their lives as the quickly seem to have slipped back into their old ways.

 

They've always pushed & encouraged us to follow our dreams of emigrating & they've never tried to make us feel guilty for doing so, even though I know deep down they are devastated.

 

I guess I just love them very much & want them to be happy, so perhaps I have made them a priority for too long & it's time I start focusing on myself instead of others...it's just a transition I suppose I'm finding a little harder to make than I ever expected.

 

 

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That, in a nutshell, is what we mean when we say that successful migrants do have to be very "selfish" - not in a pejorative way, just that if you take on board everyone else's feelings and behaviour and link it to what you may do our have done then you will struggle. Out of sight, out of mind is the good old survival tactic!

[aconcannon]

That, in a nutshell, is what we mean when we say that successful migrants do have to be very "selfish" - not in a pejorative way, just that if you take on board everyone else's feelings and behaviour and link it to what you may do our have done then you will struggle. Out of sight, out of mind is the good old survival tactic!

@Quoll I have no hesitation that you are right in what you say. I guess it's a trait that I'm going to have to learn! I've been doing pretty well up to now, but these past few weeks have been a little tougher!

 

 

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[Quoll]

@Quoll I have no hesitation that you are right in what you say. I guess it's a trait that I'm going to have to learn! I've been doing pretty well up to now, but these past few weeks have been a little tougher!

 

 

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You'll get used to it! Simple strategy when you get those thoughts is to ask yourself "is this really my problem?" When you are talking about the behaviour /attitudes of functioning adults then the answer will be "no!". If and when the circumstances change and you are no longer talking about independent functioning adults then your answer may be different and you make decisions accordingly. One thing I would suggest, from a pragmatic pov is that you and your parents talk about enduring powers of attorney. You could actually do it for yourselves too, being on the other side of the world with no extended support network (good excuse to raise it with them - we've done it, you might like to think of doing it too kinda thing). That way you know that if the brown stuff does bit the whirly thing, there are procedures in place to protect them and their interest! Took me a long while to get my parents to agree (they were 90!) but as they have become less able to cope is been a Godsend (for them, for me, not so much!!!)

[vickyplum]

I think you sound totally different from aconcannon, Vickyplum! She's not even slightly homesick, she's just feeling guilty about how her absence is making other people feel. You're definitely homesick. Homesickness is not about missing a country necessarily, it's about missing home - and home is often more about the people than the place IMO.

 

I was sharing my thoughts on a related issue to be supportive / sympathetic. Won't be doing that again!

[Guest]

I was sharing my thoughts on a related issue to be supportive / sympathetic. Won't be doing that again!

 

I honestly don't think Marisa meant any harm with her post. The OP is definitely not homesick whereas I definitely recognise some of your feelings as the 'homesickness' I had. It is easy to misinterpret someone's post though and read into it things the other person says based on your own feelings and experiences.

[Quoll]

I honestly don't think Marisa meant any harm with her post. The OP is definitely not homesick whereas I definitely recognise some of your feelings as the 'homesickness' I had. It is easy to misinterpret someone's post though and read into it things the other person says based on your own feelings and experiences.

 

I agree! Don't stop saying what you're feeling Vicky! In some ways it was very helpful helpful because it highlighted the origins of the different feelings that migrants go through! I guess I never thought of myself as "homesick" as much as "alien" but I guess when you drill down, that feeling of missing belonging is homesick. Guilt - whole different ballgame.

 

Hope you can sort out what works for you in all this!

[Marisawright]

Yes, what Quoll and Lady Rainicorn said. I'm sorry if you took it as a criticism of some kind, it just seemed obvious to me that the two of you were going through completely different feelings so I said so.