Shipleylad Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 Hi All, I have been separated for around 3 years, I have 3 boys 21,19,12. The 2 older boys have their own lives here in Oz, my 12 year old will remain in Oz, I am thinking of returning to the U.K and for around 2 years now I have been running around in my head if I can leave my youngest son here with his Mum. I had 2 jobs in the U.K in 20 years I have probably had Ten jobs here in the Ten years I have been here, I am not sure I have ever really settled here, I have this feeling I just don't feel at home here, I also must say I don't dislike being here, I am not sure the U.K is the answer it feels like a vicious circle. Has anyone else faced this problem of coming over with family and then splitting up, my main concern is my youngest son it would break his heart and mine to leave him. It is a terrible situation to be in. Any advice would be deeply appreciated. Thanks Shipleylad.:arghh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 Think about this very carefully. My Ex OH emigrated with his new wife to Australia when our daughters were 14 & 11, leaving them with me in England. They never really got over it, it hurt them very much that he moved all that way. 10 years down the line and we all now live in Australia and they now have a relationship with him again but, they still say how much it upset them. I'd only contemplate it if England is desperately calling you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shipleylad Posted December 25, 2014 Author Share Posted December 25, 2014 Hi thanks yes I do think about it all the time and have done so for several years, I do think the only thing that keeps me here is my son, its not a good situation to be in and living like this is hard work every day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 You haven't mentioned a current partner,so I am going to assume you haven't got one.Is there a possibility this might be affecting you in some way?Can you imagine staying in Oz if you were in a stable loving relationship and happy?Not that being in a r/ship is everything mind you,but it can unsettle some people if they're not.Ok you need to ask yourself this.Picture yourself back in the UK.You've now been back here 2 years.Can you honestly say,without your sons,you are going to be happy?Will you be able to accept not seeing them? I realise kids grow up and do whatever they do (mine are all adults now).At the end of the day,if its really important to you,and you know deep down it will make you happy,then you could make arrangements,once back in the UK,for your youngest son to spend some school holidays with you.Merry Xmas,and I hope you find some peace.xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shipleylad Posted December 25, 2014 Author Share Posted December 25, 2014 I think that not having a current partner could be having some effect yes, the words you put are exactly the questions and a thousand more I chase around on a regular basis, the problem is I really don't have the answers and I don't expect people to answer them for me, I guess it will all work out at some stage. Merry Xmas to you also. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 Practice some meditation. The answers will come to you. Sometimes you already have the answers,but you need to quieten the constant chatter to get clarity. Best wishes hon,and take care of yourself xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 He's 12 so he might have an opinion - talk to him and ask how a move might work for you both, you never know you might get some good ideas from a young lad - he might see regular trips and solid time with you exploring a new place (and being with extended family perhaps?) to be a real bonus. If your work opportunities are better elsewhere and you can land a job offer then you have concrete options to consider. Best of luck, not belonging is a hell of a thing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaska Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 He's 12 so he might have an opinion - talk to him and ask how a move might work for you both, you never know you might get some good ideas from a young lad - he might see regular trips and solid time with you exploring a new place (and being with extended family perhaps?) to be a real bonus. If your work opportunities are better elsewhere and you can land a job offer then you have concrete options to consider. Best of luck, not belonging is a hell of a thing! That is a lot to put on a 12 year old. I think, whatever they might say now, there could be resentment and upset down the line when a father isn't there during the teenage years. Obviously the OP is putting a lot of thought into it - good luck as it's not an easy situation to be in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Tilley Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 Hi and Merry Christmas! I see both sides here and feel for the situation you are facing. I too didn't settle in Oz when I moved there 10 years ago and I came home to the UK in 2007. I returned with my son and his dad remained in Oz. My son is now 12, and I have to say, not having his dad in his life on a constant basis has affected him in a negative way - and he was only 4 when we left. If your son has had you as a constant for 12 years I think he will find your absence even harder to deal with. As a result of our situation my son travels to Oz every year for 3-4 weeks to spend time with his dad and his new family. My son has obtained dual citizenship so this had opened up his future and put him in quite a privileged position (especially when I know how much people pay for visas). He flies by himself using an Unaccompanied Minor service (we always use Singapore Airlines - I highly recommend them) but all airlines offer this service and they look after the children very well. Your son could do the same from Oz to the UK. This has given my son confidence to travel alone and he is used to spending long periods of time away from me which has helped him adapt to school residential trips really well. However, only last week he spent an evening sobbing his heart out in his room and looking at photos of his dad and his dad's new family. He didn't want to talk to me and he didn't want me to comfort him so I can only assume that on the run up to Christmas he was feeling very sad and missing his dad heaps. The following day he seemed okay again, and this morning we have had a lovely Christmas morning at home with our family here, his dad has rung him for a quick chat and all is well. I have mixed feelings about you discussing this with your son as he is still very young. He may say what he thinks you want to hear and give you his blessing to go, or he may ask you not to go but you may still go anyway if that's what will really make you happy. I think the decision has to be yours alone and you and your son deal with that in the best way possible if you do decide to leave. You can keep in touch for free on smart phones with WhatsApp and send photos and texts daily, you can Skype, email, phone each other, send postcards from the UK, lots of little things to let him know you still think of him and miss him. Remember that school holidays in the UK don't always coincide with Aussie schools holidays, so him coming to spend four weeks with you at this time of year is not going to be convenient for your work arrangements unless an employer will allow you extra holiday due to your family circumstances. I know the long haul trip puts my son off visiting his dad for just two weeks, he doesn't want to go unless he can stay at least 3 weeks, which now that he's at senior school it's going to limit his visits because apart from the summer holidays (6 weeks off) he only gets a maximum of two weeks at a time. I have agreed that for the next few years until he's an adult he can spend the full 6 weeks in Oz with his dad if that's what he wants. Best wishes, Rachel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chortlepuss Posted December 26, 2014 Share Posted December 26, 2014 What a difficult decision. It doesn't get much easier when they are grown. When we return in 2016, my eldest (20) wants to stay here. She has good work opportunities here. I will miss her terribly, but I need to go home and will ensure she is set up to visit (I may even visit here after my first winter in the UK!) Good luck with whatever you choose, as Quoll says it is hard when you don't belong, however good your situation is in Australia..... I have a similar work pattern to you btw - Jobs in Australia tend to be temporary but I think that is the way the world is going everywhere. At my age (50's) I doubt I'll ever have a permanent position again, but I have found a way to make this work for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted December 26, 2014 Share Posted December 26, 2014 I'm sorry you are feeling so unsettled and wrung out by all the questions going through your mind, it's a tough position to be in. You said it would break your son's heart (and yours) to leave him so I think that's your answer - don't go. I know that sounds very black and white and your happiness is important, but I think while our children are actually still children (under 18) we have to put their happiness and their best interests first. You can plan to move back to the UK (or elsewhere as you said you aren't sure the UK is the answer) once he reaches adulthood - six years seems like a very long time when you are not 100% happy here but time flies and it will give you time to save up and do all the necessary research to make the move as smooth as possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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