Helz980 Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 Hello lovelies i never thought I'd be in this position again but I'm so bloody unhappy, I wish I had never come back even if it is for 6 months. My anxiety has come back & I've been getting upset. I feel permanently sick & losing weight (I am eating) can't believe how much being here has such a horrible effect on me. I was great at home & knew that's where I want to be but I promised hubby to come back for a 6 month holiday. However I tried to talk to him about stuff & he was so nasty & I don't know who he is anymore. People warned me this would happen & I said no it wouldn't! I'm trying to be positive but I'm in that cycle again. Sorry people I daren't post this on the other board as for Xmas it doesn't exist in my world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helz980 Posted November 30, 2014 Author Share Posted November 30, 2014 Oh I've only got 18 weeks left ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 Oh sweetie! (((Hugs))) Given that you are feeling so low - are you sure it is only going to be 18 weeks because you know you can do that - 18 weeks is nothing, get a big red pen and cross off the days. Are you sure he isn't going to change the goal posts on you again or is that the reason you are feeling so low, that you really aren't sure that it is going to be only 18 weeks? Perhaps book the ticket - I always felt less trapped when the reservation was out there and in black and white. Meanwhile, it might be good to see a counsellor to get some strategies to help you through each and every day - the situation has to change to fix situational depression but you can make a better fist of it with some mind games - positive affirmations, thought stopping, mindfulness, whatever suits your way of thinking. Wont fix it but will make it liveable and, just think, this is only one Christmas out of a whole long lifetime of Christmases - you can do it, you are a strong woman inside! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 Oh Helz :-( So sorry to read this. If we were closer I'd invite you over for a cuppa and a chat - listening to my dulcet tones might help ;-) Is your husband actually saying he doesn't want to move back? I'm guessing he's doing the "YOU ARE MAKING ME MOVE" thing? That is so unfair when he had previously agreed to the move and asked you to come back for six months. Have you booked your flights? Quoll is right, it's only one Christmas and there will be others, you just focus on nurturing yourself as much as possible. Any chance you and your little one could get away for the weekend somewhere, just to get a break and some space? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 Helz,can you please remind me what happened briefly?I kind of remember your post but don't want to comment until I know some facts.Did you return to the UK,you were happy,and then OH wanted to return to Oz and you both agreed to do it temporarily?xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3FatCats Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 Hugs. I hear what you are saying......as much as I am going to sound like an idiot, in a way I almost wish my OH had been more decisive about staying, because we are both back in the UK now and I know he is not happy. Yes, it was his decision, but I feel guilty that he came back because of me and I should have come back alone....he may still be in Aus right now and happy? So, what I am trying to say in a very long winded way is, sometimes you just have to do what is right for you, even if that means the most painful option, take the hurt first and reap the good times later.... If you are certain you need to go home, then just do it. The rest will work itself out one way or another after, but at least this situation will be moved on. Please try not to feel desperate....are you able to take a small break at Christmas? For me if it felt like a holiday I didn't seem to bother so much about the whole Christmas thing as I could just pretend it was a summer holiday. Stay in touch with us xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helz980 Posted November 30, 2014 Author Share Posted November 30, 2014 Hello! thanks for replying! Melza, I went back home end of july on a decision making holiday & I knew as soon as I landed in Newcastle I felt better. OH came back for 4 weeks as he had to go back to work. Anyway we had a massive row over the phone when he was back there & I was still at home, basically I told him I wasn't coming back. But we talked & we agreed that I came back for a 6 month 'holiday' to plan & strategise the move back. So fast forward to now & its not like that at all. He refuses to talk about it until the new year, & we only talked about it when I made him. I have stood my ground & said this is whats happening. He certainly wont be coming back in april as he will be working, & to be honest this doesn't bother me. I will be honest with you ladies that my feelings for him have changed a lot whilst ive been going through this. The only person that matters to me is my daughter & of course my family. This is what he said to me. - you don't live in the real world - England is **** theres nothing there for me - you will probably need professional help for the rest of your life - I married you & not your family - im happy here can you not just go home for a holiday - im selfish - you will never survive without me BUT he then says you are a big girl Helen & can make your own decisions & im not making you stay here. So ultimately i think i need to go for him to have a very big think about what he wants. AND because i have heard all of what he has said above before its like water off a ducks back, it doesn't actually resonate with me anymore because i do think the counselling sessions i had have helped & im pretty damn determined that im home in 18 weeks, albeit with just a bag & Olivia! stuff is just stuff! i am planning stuff in bitesize chunks & i know this is just one xmas & i will have many more at home!! i would love to book a plane ticket but with what? i don't have a penny to my name & i think i will have to ask my mam to pay for my flights. 3fatcats that's a good way to look at it! im on holiday so stuff xmas lol! i feel incredibly guilty for bringing my daughter back here as she was so happy in England, but maybe shes just picking up on me as for a 2 year old shes pretty bright. anyway i do feel better for writing everything down, ive got some lovely friends here who are amazing & understand how i am feeling. Thank you ladies, i have re read my earlier post & i do sound a bit like a nutter lol! xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helz980 Posted November 30, 2014 Author Share Posted November 30, 2014 Hugs. I hear what you are saying......as much as I am going to sound like an idiot, in a way I almost wish my OH had been more decisive about staying, because we are both back in the UK now and I know he is not happy. Yes, it was his decision, but I feel guilty that he came back because of me and I should have come back alone....he may still be in Aus right now and happy? So, what I am trying to say in a very long winded way is, sometimes you just have to do what is right for you, even if that means the most painful option, take the hurt first and reap the good times later.... If you are certain you need to go home, then just do it. The rest will work itself out one way or another after, but at least this situation will be moved on. Please try not to feel desperate....are you able to take a small break at Christmas? For me if it felt like a holiday I didn't seem to bother so much about the whole Christmas thing as I could just pretend it was a summer holiday. Stay in touch with us xxxxx aww hun, i hadn't realised it was like that for you & your hubby. How long have you been back in England? xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 I think he knows you will be absolutely fine without him and he's scared of that! Definitely ask your Mam for the flight money and get it booked. I'm wanting you to go ASAP as I'm worried he'll change his mind about letting you take Olivia. If you can get any necessary paperwork signed while you're on (reasonably) good terms it will give you that security. @3FatCats sorry to hear your DH isn't settling - do you think it's a location within the UK thing (and a move could help?) or maybe needing more time to adjust or do you think he is yearning for Australia? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3FatCats Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 @Helz980 I also agree, go now while you can and take your daughter without too many issues. You can't survive without him? Well.....yes, we say hurtful things when we are angry but that is not good. With my OH there are other issues, he resents me earning more than him for one, and resents he earns less here than in Sydney (although life cost more there....which he forgets...) so he is often making sarcastic little comments on how "poor" we are here (not true at all) and how we threw our golden lifestyle away (golden? With a suicidal wife???), so I very much feel for you and firmly believe you can and will make it and probably be very happy in the end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3FatCats Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 I think he knows you will be absolutely fine without him and he's scared of that! Definitely ask your Mam for the flight money and get it booked. I'm wanting you to go ASAP as I'm worried he'll change his mind about letting you take Olivia. If you can get any necessary paperwork signed while you're on (reasonably) good terms it will give you that security. @3FatCats sorry to hear your DH isn't settling - do you think it's a location within the UK thing (and a move could help?) or maybe needing more time to adjust or do you think he is yearning for Australia? In response, he just needs to grow up! Australia was a pipe dream, he had no permanent visa anyway and could only have stayed there through me sacrificing another 2-3 years, which I was not prepared to do. He moans and bitches but ultimately does nothing to improve his job or life situation, waiting for someone else to do that....it is a terrible thought to have, but I sometimes catch myself thinking I would be better off in certain aspects on my own. I am giving it one more year for him to realise that his behaviour, in the end, is going to drive me away and then take stock. The joys! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helz980 Posted November 30, 2014 Author Share Posted November 30, 2014 I think like you 3fatcats! I can easily survive on my own tbh albeit he provides the money I bring Olivia up & have pretty much done since she left hospital! He works away so it's just me & her & when he's back he sometimes can't be bothered with her. He just wants to go fishing! **** do I need documentation to take Olivia? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 Yes Helz I remember now!Thanks for reminding me,and Im sorry if it brought back painful memories doing that too? I'm in agreement with the others hon.If it were me,I would be asking my Mum to please pay for you and your daughters flights back home asap.There is no point in flogging a dead horse.Your OH probably assumes one morning you will wake and magically be absolutely fine with no yearnings for the UK for the rest of your life.No he did'nt marry your family,he married INTO your family,and any guy (or woman for that matter)who does'nt think families are important to that other person,is dicing with death basically.If your family are warm loving people and the OH is'nt accepting of them,then there is a problem. I think you need to speak to your OH about the legal side of taking your daughter back to the UK.I married an aussie,had aussie kids,but returned back to the UK when I separated.My ex OH was willing to sign their passport forms.Seriously hon life is too short to be so unhappy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 Must be very frustrating for you 3FatCats. :-( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 I think like you 3fatcats! I can easily survive on my own tbh albeit he provides the money I bring Olivia up & have pretty much done since she left hospital! He works away so it's just me & her & when he's back he sometimes can't be bothered with her. He just wants to go fishing! **** do I need documentation to take Olivia? Yes, I'm afraid you cannot take her back to the UK without his permission, even if she already has a passport - the Hague Convention comes into force. In your situation right now I would be doing my very best to keep relations as good as possible with your OH, get the **** out of Australia and then worry about your marriage and future. Once you are resident in the UK, even if your OH stays in Australia I do not think you can be forced to return her. I really hope it doesn't come to this but forewarned is forearmed and it sounds like he isn't being entirely reasonable already which doesn't bode well. There is a sticky about this - it makes harrowing reading so be warned but maybe worth knowing the facts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helz980 Posted November 30, 2014 Author Share Posted November 30, 2014 I've been reading up on all this just now. I will say we are on decent terms (he is a decent bloke tbh & we don't argue all that much) & you are right that I should get back then work the rest out. Everything will be ok...positive positive positive ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 Fingers crossed for you Helz!Take care and look after yourself xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perthbum Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 Hello! thanks for replying!Melza, I went back home end of july on a decision making holiday & I knew as soon as I landed in Newcastle I felt better. OH came back for 4 weeks as he had to go back to work. Anyway we had a massive row over the phone when he was back there & I was still at home, basically I told him I wasn't coming back. But we talked & we agreed that I came back for a 6 month 'holiday' to plan & strategise the move back. So fast forward to now & its not like that at all. He refuses to talk about it until the new year, & we only talked about it when I made him. I have stood my ground & said this is whats happening. He certainly wont be coming back in april as he will be working, & to be honest this doesn't bother me. I will be honest with you ladies that my feelings for him have changed a lot whilst ive been going through this. The only person that matters to me is my daughter & of course my family. This is what he said to me. - you don't live in the real world - England is **** theres nothing there for me - you will probably need professional help for the rest of your life - I married you & not your family - im happy here can you not just go home for a holiday - im selfish - you will never survive without me BUT he then says you are a big girl Helen & can make your own decisions & im not making you stay here. So ultimately i think i need to go for him to have a very big think about what he wants. AND because i have heard all of what he has said above before its like water off a ducks back, it doesn't actually resonate with me anymore because i do think the counselling sessions i had have helped & im pretty damn determined that im home in 18 weeks, albeit with just a bag & Olivia! stuff is just stuff! i am planning stuff in bitesize chunks & i know this is just one xmas & i will have many more at home!! i would love to book a plane ticket but with what? i don't have a penny to my name & i think i will have to ask my mam to pay for my flights. 3fatcats that's a good way to look at it! im on holiday so stuff xmas lol! i feel incredibly guilty for bringing my daughter back here as she was so happy in England, but maybe shes just picking up on me as for a 2 year old shes pretty bright. anyway i do feel better for writing everything down, ive got some lovely friends here who are amazing & understand how i am feeling. Thank you ladies, i have re read my earlier post & i do sound a bit like a nutter lol! xxx Sounds like he is a very selfish person, you are probably better without him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 Sounds like he is a very selfish person, you are probably better without him. With all due respect no marriage is perfect and once children are involved there is far more to it than whether you are better off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perthbum Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 With all due respect no marriage is perfect and once children are involved there is far more to it than whether you are better off. Mine will be or I will kick her out... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fizzybangs Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 Totally agree with Aunt Agatha. Why are you hanging around? Ask your Mum and get back there by Christmas and don't look back. You don't need to spend the next weeks hearing stuff like that. Go home girl and find happiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaulRaynor Posted December 3, 2014 Share Posted December 3, 2014 Oh I've only got 18 weeks left Hey I have only 18 weeks left too! I'm so excited I'm running round like a headless chicken! procrastinating and doing naff all about the move, I can't think straight! Won't be long Helz. Goodbye sweat bucket city, hello easter eggs that don't melt ha ha! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted December 3, 2014 Share Posted December 3, 2014 Get on with it @PaulRaynor! :-) Seriously, there is SO much to do, we started planning, decluttering and selling stuff a few months back and are glad we did. Mind you, our progress us slowed somewhat by two tiny helpers so if you don't have those your progress might be quicker! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaulRaynor Posted December 3, 2014 Share Posted December 3, 2014 Get on with it @PaulRaynor! :-) Seriously, there is SO much to do, we started planning, decluttering and selling stuff a few months back and are glad we did. Mind you, our progress us slowed somewhat by two tiny helpers so if you don't have those your progress might be quicker! Ha ha! I'm making a list and following all the advice on here. My greatest worry is letting my 21 year old son live here with his mate until I make a final decision at the end of the year. He has just moved out of his digs so I have dragged him back home where I can watch him run the place the right way. To date my trials are the following: 1. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chortlepuss Posted December 3, 2014 Share Posted December 3, 2014 Christmas is always a tricky time of year, even if you know that you're going home. Good luck with it all, as others have said, try to be as friendly as poss to get you & your daughter out on good terms - Suspect he may come round but doesn't sound like he's in decision making mode at the moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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