Advice please - homesick/Moving back to the UK pregnant

[Chortlepuss]

I came back to Oz on the understanding that we will return when youngest finishes school. I did suggest to my hubby that I stayed in the UK but couldn't go through with it. I am sure your hubby is the same, frustrated and lashing out with hurtful words. I think my hubby would prefer UK with happy me than Oz with depressed me. I think if I could get back to UK for 2-3 months each year maybe I'd last a bit longer but we are not that wealthy. I wouldn't rule out returning unless you are dead against it. But Once you are surrounded by friends and family and taking advantage of all the great things the UK offers, hubby may have a change of heart. Lets hope he finds a great job!

[wattsy1982]

I do hope so, socially things were much better. I think he just needs a Tequilla night with our besties!!!! ;o) Did you go back to the UK permanently or are you still in OZ? I feel I couldn't live without him but also I cant live here, certainly not at this point in life. He told me he loves me, but I don't understand how he could consider leaving us. Hopefully he didn't mean it and its just frustration that it hasn't turned out the way he would have liked.

 

Rose, sorry to hear your situation...I know how excited you were to be going 'home'

 

From a male point of view and also a father and husband it just sounds like scare mongering/bluff....it takes certain man to walk away from his wife and especially children and your husband doesnt sound like that type.

 

There is no where in the world that would make me want to leave my family for.

 

I honestly think hes just seeing /thinking about what hes giving up here and not what hes going to be gaining back home. After all, a happy wife is a happy life!

[Quoll]

(((Hugs))) Rose. Emotional blackmail is never nice no matter who is applying the screws! It's always sad to see the end of a dream but, equally, it's perhaps more important to see the end of a nightmare which seems to be what's happening in your case. I second the idea of marriage guidance counselling when you get back so that as a couple you can come to a sense of compromise somehow. It worries me that his family are going to feed his resentment - that's not an auspicious sign but, as you said, you have "besties" who might be able to show him that life in UK us not all doom and gloom though I fear your DH may do a Jasepom on you and not put any effort into re establishing himself back in UK - be prepared and be very grateful that with the kids in UK you couldn't be forced to stay in Aus against your will.

 

i really think my husband had absolutely no idea of the depths of my depression when he refused to live in UK but now we are here he is thrilled to have half his wife back (I've lost almost half my body weight as I am no longer depressed!) happy and healthy. I would never leave him over a country but a decade of living the least worst option took it's toll! At some stage in the future I know I will have to gird myself for the least worst option again but hopefully by that time I will be able to see it as an adventure again.

[Rose Fuller]

(((Hugs))) Rose. Emotional blackmail is never nice no matter who is applying the screws! It's always sad to see the end of a dream but, equally, it's perhaps more important to see the end of a nightmare which seems to be what's happening in your case. I second the idea of marriage guidance counselling when you get back so that as a couple you can come to a sense of compromise somehow. It worries me that his family are going to feed his resentment - that's not an auspicious sign but, as you said, you have "besties" who might be able to show him that life in UK us not all doom and gloom though I fear your DH may do a Jasepom on you and not put any effort into re establishing himself back in UK - be prepared and be very grateful that with the kids in UK you couldn't be forced to stay in Aus against your will.

 

i really think my husband had absolutely no idea of the depths of my depression when he refused to live in UK but now we are here he is thrilled to have half his wife back (I've lost almost half my body weight as I am no longer depressed!) happy and healthy. I would never leave him over a country but a decade of living the least worst option took it's toll! At some stage in the future I know I will have to gird myself for the least worst option again but hopefully by that time I will be able to see it as an adventure again.

 

i think it's hard to understand how unhappy someone is when you don't feel the same way, and when people at home see photos they think it looks amazing and can't understand why you'd want to go home. But a photo can't show how your heart feels and the loneliness that can come with emigrating. Hopefully hubby will be pleased to have the normal me back, I just hope he isn't as unhappy there as I've felt here. Hmmmmm it's tough.

 

Thanks everyone one for taking the time to read and comment, it's been a tough day and you have helped xxx

[caramac]

I remember saying something similar to my oh a few years ago. We had moved back from Perth a few years before, but had had two holidays back in Aus since.

We'd just returned from the last one and were sitting on a beach in Norfolk. He knew how much I wanted to be back in Aus, but didn't seem to be listening to how much it meant and how miserable I was, so I told him I'd have to consider going back without him. I know in my heart I never would have done it, but I needed him to know how much it hurt that he wouldn't listen and just how much it meant to me (we had three young children at the time). Maybe that's what your husband's doing too? I don't know, but my husband did start really listening to me and taking my sadness seriously. Once he did that, and the communication really started, I settled!

We did go back to Aus in 2009, but have since returned again and I have never had that feeling of despair again. I'm very happy in the UK now, even though I'm not in the part I'd like to be..

I'd say keep listening to him and don't dismiss his feelings. If you feel that you're constantly battling against something it makes you feel more defensive. Tell him you're happy to keep your options open and look at it again a few years down the line. It's the 'this is it forever' feeling which I found so difficult. Maybe he's the same?

 

Good luck with the move, baby etc. A busy, but exciting time for you!

[Rose Fuller]

I just wish we felt the same. I hadn't foreseen this as a possible scenario before we came, hopefully it will come good I love him to bits. I'm sure we can get through this. I will definitely look at couples counselling if we have issues. I have to say I still feel hurt by his comment. I guess the key is to keeo on talking, although I feel like sulking!!

[ali]

I just wish we felt the same. I hadn't foreseen this as a possible scenario before we came, hopefully it will come good I love him to bits. I'm sure we can get through this. I will definitely look at couples counselling if we have issues. I have to say I still feel hurt by his comment. I guess the key is to keeo on talking, although I feel like sulking!!

 

I'm sure his comment hurt but as Caramac said in her post his comments may be a way of expressing his hurt at the situation. Don't fall into the trap that because you're going to be happy to be back socialising with your friends that he's automatically think so too. The good thing is that having felt the way you have in Aus, you're in a better position to understand/recognise the signs if he ends up going through a period of loss and adjustment but you've hit the nail on the head in that communication will be the key. You don't need the stress with a baby on the way - hope all goes well and good luck with the move back.

[Guest littlesarah]

My husband stayed on in the UK purely because of me (he's Australian), and he was unhappy about that for a good while. Sometimes he was difficult to live with and took his feelings out on me (he would barely say a word for days) - but I think it's just because he felt like he would never get to return home.

 

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that your husband will have to 'grieve' what he feels he's missing, and that will be a bit rough for both of you, but I'm sure things will sort themselves out once you get settled into your life with your new baby. Ultimately, though, there is no compromise when it comes to UK vs Aus - if you want to live in different places one of you will be less satisfied; that's just how it is. Which may sound grim and depressing, but we all make sacrifices for the one we love, and the person who feels they're making the sacrifice may need a bit of time and space to work through how they feel about it.

 

You're a bit vulnerable at the moment (if you're anything like I was when I was pregnant!), and he's feeling disappointed, so just try to be understanding, and like you say keep communicating. (Though if your man is anything like mine, sometimes they need a bit of time in the 'cave' to figure their thoughts out.)

 

Hope you all settle back into life in the UK and that all works out well for you.

[Aunt Agatha]

Sorry it's so hard Rose. Obviously I don't know your DH but it sounds as if he's just lashing out because he's annoyed/disappointed at being "forced" to move back to the UK. I think he just wants you to really get how hard this is for him. I know I am guilty of ramping things up a bit if I don't feel I am being truly heard and understood.

 

Hopefully things will settle down when you get back and you welcome your new baby into the world. No country on earth can compete with being with your child.

 

Good luck with the move - where abouts are you moving to? (Sorry if you have already said, I have a memory like a sieve). Please update us on how it goes! x

[Rose Fuller]

Sorry it's so hard Rose. Obviously I don't know your DH but it sounds as if he's just lashing out because he's annoyed/disappointed at being "forced" to move back to the UK. I think he just wants you to really get how hard this is for him. I know I am guilty of ramping things up a bit if I don't feel I am being truly heard and understood.

 

Hopefully things will settle down when you get back and you welcome your new baby into the world. No country on earth can compete with being with your child.

 

Good luck with the move - where abouts are you moving to? (Sorry if you have already said, I have a memory like a sieve). Please update us on how it goes! x

 

Thanks, I have been looking at the other side based on your comments and its been really useful, we talked for a lot of the weekend, and I have explained its not a shut door, its just whats right now with the new baby etc. We don't know how it will all turn out, we could go back and hubby may settle (he has a new job offer yayy!!), and I may wonder what Ive done. Our youngest came out and told us he feels like hes starting to settle in the last week or so which we had to laugh at as so poorly timed!!! I see that as a positive as he will have fond memories, and if we did decide to come back it wouldn't be with our son kicking and screaming!!!! Hubby wanted to drive to the port and stop the container!!!!! haha. We had a great weekend with the some of my husbands Aussie family and things are feeling better. Ive told hubby we will work through this as a family and what will be will be. You just have to do what is right for you at the time.

 

I cant thank this forum enough ))))) Looking forward to seeing all of my friends and family at the weekend.

 

Will keep you posted on how we are getting on.

[Rose Fuller]

P.S. Going back to Essex.....

[Quoll]

Aha just down the road from me! There is another PiOer in the area too! Always up for coffee if you're needing one!

[Aunt Agatha]

It's great that you've tried to see it from his point of view and that you've talked a bit more. I reckon it's all going to work out just fine :-)

[backtothefuture]

Hi Rose

It was very interesting to me to read your thread. I am currently in a similar situation 13 weeks pregnant, husband loves his job and i am not as sold on Perth's charms as originally thought. I have developed homesickness, perhaps exacerbated by being pregnant. I have my family here, (dad and 2 brothers) who have been very kind to us, however have their own lives with work etc. Myself and my husband are just finding it very difficult to make friends, despite making an agreement to attend everything (if and when) we are invited too. (ill put it out there we are very fun and not odd balls, just saying haha). We have only been here for 9 months and have agreed to give it at least 2 years, however i can see my husband settling more and more into his job and I'm losing my 'sparkle' if that makes sense. I work in the health industry here and have not had a great experience as a newcomer, but in general Aussies are nice to me. Its not the place, its defiantly me and the cravings of stability in friends at this time in my life. I am not sure whats in store for my future here in Aus, but i wanted to commend you for the brave task of deciding to go home and overcoming such resistance. For people who have never left the UK, people back home have no idea how hard it can be and how brave we all are for doing it. That bravery is challenged again, when you have to admit that it wasn't the right move/direction.

Never see it as a failure, you will look back on memories in Aus and in time recall them fondly.

Im due back for a holiday in June to see family and friends (with a 12 week old baby, i hope) and i am hoping it gives me some sort of idea as to where i want to be. As for my family here, my dad in particular would be devastated if i left as he is very attached to me since losing my mum and i feel the pressure that he has said "well if you go back i will have to go too".

Take each day as it comes

and all the best with the new baby

[wattsy1982]

I'm losing my 'sparkle'

 

Snap!

[Rose Fuller]

Hi Rose

It was very interesting to me to read your thread. I am currently in a similar situation 13 weeks pregnant, husband loves his job and i am not as sold on Perth's charms as originally thought. I have developed homesickness, perhaps exacerbated by being pregnant. I have my family here, (dad and 2 brothers) who have been very kind to us, however have their own lives with work etc. Myself and my husband are just finding it very difficult to make friends, despite making an agreement to attend everything (if and when) we are invited too. (ill put it out there we are very fun and not odd balls, just saying haha). We have only been here for 9 months and have agreed to give it at least 2 years, however i can see my husband settling more and more into his job and I'm losing my 'sparkle' if that makes sense. I work in the health industry here and have not had a great experience as a newcomer, but in general Aussies are nice to me. Its not the place, its defiantly me and the cravings of stability in friends at this time in my life. I am not sure whats in store for my future here in Aus, but i wanted to commend you for the brave task of deciding to go home and overcoming such resistance. For people who have never left the UK, people back home have no idea how hard it can be and how brave we all are for doing it. That bravery is challenged again, when you have to admit that it wasn't the right move/direction.

Never see it as a failure, you will look back on memories in Aus and in time recall them fondly.

Im due back for a holiday in June to see family and friends (with a 12 week old baby, i hope) and i am hoping it gives me some sort of idea as to where i want to be. As for my family here, my dad in particular would be devastated if i left as he is very attached to me since losing my mum and i feel the pressure that he has said "well if you go back i will have to go too".

Take each day as it comes

and all the best with the new baby

 

Congratulations on your pregnancy!!!! It helps when you hear other people experiencing simular emotions/situations. And luckily the majority don't judge as every situation and person differs. We all have the same goal...to be happy!! I do think the pregnancy hormones do play a part in accelerating your emotions, and put into perspective what you feel is important (family/friends). Hopefully the holiday will do you good, and by then you will be clearer on how you feel.You know what...life has a way of working out...human nature means that the majority of people continue moving until they are happy. You just have to make sure that as a family everyone is considered and we find a fair balance. And as for the sparkle...Ican feel mine coming back a little just knowing I'm going home to familiarity and what has been a good life.

 

Good luck to you too x

[Bimbobread]

Hi all. A week now until we fly back. Our container left Tuesday. Hubby's mood has completely sunk, and he's telling me how rubbish its gonna be back home and that I should have given it longer. Possibly but we have to mitigate financial losses and I really don't think I'll ever have a happier life here. Worse still he announces last night that if he's really unhappy after a couple of years back then he will come back to Australia alone. I feel absolutely heartbroken, and disappointed to. Where do I go with this mess?? In my mind we have been together 26 years and that should mean more than Australia..this is not our home? His opinion is that Id be prepared to go back without him so why is it any different? Feel like someones ripped my heart out (( Will I be on eggshells wondering how it all turns out.

 

Hi Rose,

 

I remember reading your post a while back when I found out I was pregnant too. We have been through the same heartache as you it sounds. Lots of yelling and saying things we don't mean but we have decided we are going home on 25th October. I am so happy and luckily hubby is too.. I can imagine him saying things like yours did nearer the time but my sister surprised us last night and is staying for our last two months so we have decided to quit our jobs and travel round Oz for the last two months. It is going to be busy sorting out everything in a short time but hopefully we Will arrive home refreshed and ready to start again. Luckily my hubby has been offered his old job back and I have been offered supply teaching for the Christmas half term when we get back... just wish we hadn't sold our house in the UK now! Hope your move went well. Xx

[Pumpkin]

Myself and my husband are just finding it very difficult to make friends, despite making an agreement to attend everything (if and when) we are invited too. (ill put it out there we are very fun and not odd balls, just saying haha). We have only been here for 9 months and have agreed to give it at least 2 years, however i can see my husband settling more and more into his job and I'm losing my 'sparkle' if that makes sense. I work in the health industry here and have not had a great experience as a newcomer, but in general Aussies are nice to me. Its not the place, its defiantly me and the cravings of stability in friends at this time in my life.

 

I just thought I would comment on this bit as it stood out to me. But I find people can put themselves under an awful lot of pressure to make friends, yes to attend everything going, never turn down an invitation and it is one strategy. But another strategy is to not put yourself under so much pressure, attend things you want to attend. Let friends happen naturally and over time. You won't replace the circle of friends you developed over a lifetime in nine short months. I just wonder if a change of mindset and releasing the focus on making friends will also release some anxiety.

[Gbye grey sky]

I just thought I would comment on this bit as it stood out to me. But I find people can put themselves under an awful lot of pressure to make friends, yes to attend everything going, never turn down an invitation and it is one strategy. But another strategy is to not put yourself under so much pressure, attend things you want to attend. Let friends happen naturally and over time. You won't replace the circle of friends you developed over a lifetime in nine short months. I just wonder if a change of mindset and releasing the focus on making friends will also release some anxiety.

 

I always feel this too but for many I guess there is an almost overwhelming requirement to 'fit in' and that comes from being part of a social circle. Those feelings are particularly acute if that is what you have always known. I would almost go so far as to say to prospective migrants that they should look at their social and family life in the UK and if that is really important to them then think very carefully as it is highly unlikely that you will ever replicate that in a new country.