Quoll Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Hi All - we booked the flights home, and decided its better to return before baby born as I really want my friends and family around and still feel really unhappy and know it will be harder once baby is born. Unfortunately its really starting to take its toll on our relationship with both of wanting to do the opposite. Felling really crappy and wish wed never came. Husband is disappointed and he feels I haven't tried. I' counting the days until I leave....he's dreading it. Bad times ((( All the best Rose! Hopefully your DH will be able to handle it. Sometimes, when you're both pulling in opposite directions, one of you has to step up and accept the least worst option. No, it's not easy to farewell a dream but in a good relationship we need to consider what's best for the people in our lives not the place we are living it in. As Rachel said, you will have wobbly days, you wouldn't be normal if you didn't but always look forward, never back to the what might have beens, that way madness lies! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Thanks for your post Rose. I am crying my eyes out because we are in exactly the same position, although luckily my husband has been a bit underwhelmed by Australia since we got here. When are you due? We aren't due until January. We are just starting the discussion about going back. We sold our house in England and shipped out our 3 animals. Jees it's a hard decision about whether to go back before or after the birth. Thinking of you. If you have your child in Aus then your baby will be an Aus citizen which may, or may not ,cause you more heartache down the track. You also run the risk of being trapped (see the sticky) if your DH changes the goalposts and decides that maybe he isn't so underwhelmed after all. I guess a critical issue may be - how much can you salvage by an early move on compared with how much of a buffer can you develop if you stay? Would the old boy network jet a job back for example? Me, I'd be going and sooner rather than later, I disliked, intensely, having the goalposts changed on me but, then, I am an impulsive pragmatist most of the time LOL good luck whichever way you go! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose Fuller Posted June 19, 2014 Author Share Posted June 19, 2014 Than you Rachel...feeling a little more positive this week!!!! We go back in 10 weeks...wanted to get my son back ready to start school in September ) Cant wait!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose Fuller Posted June 19, 2014 Author Share Posted June 19, 2014 Hi Bimbobread. I'm due Mid November. Its really tough ha not to have family/friends around when you know that's what you need with a newborn? I will be 29 weeks when we fly back...I just need a doctors note to say I'm fit to fly. Cant wait. I know having sold our house and spent a fair chunk of money its not gonna be slipping back into our old lives, but we will get there in the end. We should be able to buy again...albeit downsizing...but its not all about bricks and mortar. This adventure has made me realise whats important, and I love England and the people!!!! Good luck to you....go with your heart hunni xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose Fuller Posted June 19, 2014 Author Share Posted June 19, 2014 Yes we decided sooner rather than later. For my sanity plus I want to get my son into school for a September start...I genuinely feel the education here is behind so he will have a bit of catching up to do!! The way the Ozzy dollar is going we could end up in a position where we would struggle to afford to leave if we stayed too much longer. take care x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasepom Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 Stay here you just need more time to adjust Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 Stay here you just need more time to adjust Nope, go if that is what your gut is telling you! For some, moving to Aus is the best thing since sliced bread, in the same way that, for some, moving on to UK is the best thing they ever did in their lives. In the same way, for some, moving to Aus is a nightmare in spades and, equally, some who move on to UK wish they hadn't! There is no right and wrong in all this, they're both first world countries offering great opportunities for happy lives. You can only make the best decision based on the information that you have at the time which is what the OP is doing and good luck to her! Jasepom, had people repeatedly (as you like to do) told you to stay in UK because you needed more time to adjust you'd have poo-pooed that idea but it might have saved your marriage - who knows! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasepom Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 My wife destroyed my marriage cause she lied to me. Moving back to the UK was the worst thing that ever happened to me after loving the Aussie dream Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 Stay here you just need more time to adjust I think they've made up their minds to go back, considering they've booked flights home. Just saying. Wish it was us to be honest but our time will come hopefully. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sustain Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 My wife destroyed my marriage cause she lied to me. Moving back to the UK was the worst thing that ever happened to me after loving the Aussie dream But she is there in UK. You are here in oz, but virtually in pio world living the dream Go figure that one out? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cissi Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 Rose - I wish you all the best with your move back and the baby. On another note, I hope that migrants wanting to move to Australia (or anywhere else for that matter) would read stories like this and be aware and prepared for the emotional and financial risks involved in a major relocation. My husband loves Melbourne, I'm more ambivalent about it. My husband works in a specialist industry and his job now in Australia is his dream job. I miss friends in the UK where I spent most of my adult life, and have struggled to make new friends. It's ironic that although he is English and I'm not, I miss the UK more than he does. I also felt unbalanced because I used to earn a lot more than my husband did in the UK and right now, I'm a job seeker. That said, I take the view that the difficulties now are temporary whilst marriage (and children) are permanent. Jobs can be found, friends can be made, and as the boring saying goes "you'll get used to it." The bright side is you still get to live in a first world country, with safety, good healthcare, and education. Given that the UK isn't exactly a war zone to get away from, there must have been good reasons why people decide to migrate from the UK to Australia. If those reasons are still true (which is in our case because it was my husband's dream job that brought us here), I want to work on everything else so that we can both be happy. I personally think that people need to be honest with themselves about who they are. If you are not open to changes, please don't make the expensive move abroad and expect that everything will be like home. Weather, culture, politics, even concept of personal space will be different. If you can't embrace or just get used to it, the move will be very difficult and potentially end up being a point of contention in your relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chortlepuss Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 Rose - I wish you all the best with your move back and the baby. On another note, I hope that migrants wanting to move to Australia (or anywhere else for that matter) would read stories like this and be aware and prepared for the emotional and financial risks involved in a major relocation. If you are not open to changes, please don't make the expensive move abroad and expect that everything will be like home. Weather, culture, politics, even concept of personal space will be different. If you can't embrace or just get used to it, the move will be very difficult and potentially end up being a point of contention in your relationship. Good point! It's so hard to explain the cultural gulf between UK and Australia to those that haven't experienced it. The struggle and insecurity of renting when you're used to owning a place, the isolation and feeling of 'not belonging' - and the politics have started to get to me too, even though what's happening in the UK politically is far from perfect. I always thought I was adventurous but after 8 years of instability and uncertainty in home and work, I'm over it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Tilley Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 I personally think that people need to be honest with themselves about who they are. If you are not open to changes, please don't make the expensive move abroad and expect that everything will be like home. Weather, culture, politics, even concept of personal space will be different. If you can't embrace or just get used to it, the move will be very difficult and potentially end up being a point of contention in your relationship. I like this phrase and agree with it too. However, I believe that most people move in the belief that the decision is easily reversible if they don't like it or don't adjust, only to find that it's not that easy to do so once they're there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose Fuller Posted June 19, 2014 Author Share Posted June 19, 2014 Thanks all, respect your comments. I was happy in the uk...love and miss my friends and family, the culture, history, arts, London, food, countryside, sense of humour......just everything (even tv). Its really shocked me how hard its been...I am usually confident, friendly and just thought id be fine. Its killing my soul and I seriously cant wait to leave. Prob not helped eldest son going back, youngest son hasn't settled either and pregnancy hormones mean the pull is too strong for me. Some people can just cope with it.....I take my hats of to you. When I think about what I will miss here it is only the beaches and guaranteed summer.......and everything and everyone I miss mean so much more to me. I already cant wait for Christmas in the UK...dark, cosy and cold...pubs and mulled wine (I will have had baby by then)...going to see the Tree in Trafalgar Square....Its taught me an important lesson coming here so some good has come from it!!! I hope people thinking about coming out do read this string to give them another perspective. We came here as a family, and said if we don't like it we will go home.....as we didn't want to regret not taking the opportunity/adventure. With 3 out 4 not liking it I think its clear that its not for us. Good luck to all of you in your adventures wherever they take you. Love my hubby to bits....gonna have to make it up to him as he really liked it in Oz, hopefully the new baby will put us on that cloud nine bubble ))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 I'm sure your husband is a decent guy and being with you and your children will more than make up for not living in a particular country. Seeing you all happy again will convince him it's the right decision I'm sure. Lots of luck to you all! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose Fuller Posted June 19, 2014 Author Share Posted June 19, 2014 I'm sure your husband is a decent guy and being with you and your children will more than make up for not living in a particular country. Seeing you all happy again will convince him it's the right decision I'm sure. Lots of luck to you all! Thanks so much...I do like a happily ever after kind of ending xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose Fuller Posted August 22, 2014 Author Share Posted August 22, 2014 Hi all. A week now until we fly back. Our container left Tuesday. Hubby's mood has completely sunk, and he's telling me how rubbish its gonna be back home and that I should have given it longer. Possibly but we have to mitigate financial losses and I really don't think I'll ever have a happier life here. Worse still he announces last night that if he's really unhappy after a couple of years back then he will come back to Australia alone. I feel absolutely heartbroken, and disappointed to. Where do I go with this mess?? In my mind we have been together 26 years and that should mean more than Australia..this is not our home? His opinion is that Id be prepared to go back without him so why is it any different? Feel like someones ripped my heart out (( Will I be on eggshells wondering how it all turns out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasepom Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Don't go back :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose Fuller Posted August 22, 2014 Author Share Posted August 22, 2014 I want a time machine. We were happy, albeit hubbys work-life balance wasn't great. With insight I wish we had tried to fix that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Hi all. A week now until we fly back. Our container left Tuesday. Hubby's mood has completely sunk, and he's telling me how rubbish its gonna be back home and that I should have given it longer. Possibly but we have to mitigate financial losses and I really don't think I'll ever have a happier life here. Worse still he announces last night that if he's really unhappy after a couple of years back then he will come back to Australia alone. I feel absolutely heartbroken, and disappointed to. Where do I go with this mess?? In my mind we have been together 26 years and that should mean more than Australia..this is not our home? His opinion is that Id be prepared to go back without him so why is it any different? Feel like someones ripped my heart out (( Will I be on eggshells wondering how it all turns out. I think that may well be him just lashing out with words that he knows will hurt. Hopefully given a bit of time to get used to being back your hubby will come to realise that family is the more important thing, not a place. Also that staying would have meant you being very unhappy and then what? Its give and take, the lesser of two evils almost. If you had a decent life in the UK, both were happy with it before you left, chances are you will be again, if he is prepared to put some effort in and not keep hankering for what he left when he left Aus. Honestly, I think you going back is a good thing for you. One son is already back in the UK right? The other hasn't settled as well as he might? And with a baby due, going back before the baby is born makes sense in the sense that should Aus really not work out in the future, you are not stuck somewhere you hate because your husband won't let the children be taken back to the UK to live. That can and does happen to couples and one is stuck in Aus living as cannot return to their home countrty with kids. No one really wins in those situations and it can be a horrible upsetting process for those stuck going through it. It has sounded to me from the very beginning that the UK is the place for you. Its a shame your hubby doesn't feel fully the same way and that he has liked Aus and is settled enough that returning to the UK isn't a great appeal. Hopefully once back in the UK, with the baby arriving and other things it'll start to feel more like an extended holiday more than anything. Try not to panic. Get back to the UK, see your family, your friends and take a deep breath and hopefully you'll feel it, you'll know it absolutely was the right thing for you to do and you can't regret that. As to what might happen in the future, day at a time. Life is going to change hugely again for you both soon with the new baby. Focus on what is there, what is real and if hubby really is unhappy, cross that bridge when the time comes but don't live your life in fear for it now. Perhaps let him know that also, at some point, talk to him about it when you are both calm and the emotions of your return are out the way and you are back in the UK a little while and can have a cleared idea of how you both feel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose Fuller Posted August 22, 2014 Author Share Posted August 22, 2014 I think that may well be him just lashing out with words that he knows will hurt. Hopefully given a bit of time to get used to being back your hubby will come to realise that family is the more important thing, not a place. Also that staying would have meant you being very unhappy and then what? Its give and take, the lesser of two evils almost. If you had a decent life in the UK, both were happy with it before you left, chances are you will be again, if he is prepared to put some effort in and not keep hankering for what he left when he left Aus. Honestly, I think you going back is a good thing for you. One son is already back in the UK right? The other hasn't settled as well as he might? And with a baby due, going back before the baby is born makes sense in the sense that should Aus really not work out in the future, you are not stuck somewhere you hate because your husband won't let the children be taken back to the UK to live. That can and does happen to couples and one is stuck in Aus living as cannot return to their home countrty with kids. No one really wins in those situations and it can be a horrible upsetting process for those stuck going through it. It has sounded to me from the very beginning that the UK is the place for you. Its a shame your hubby doesn't feel fully the same way and that he has liked Aus and is settled enough that returning to the UK isn't a great appeal. Hopefully once back in the UK, with the baby arriving and other things it'll start to feel more like an extended holiday more than anything. Try not to panic. Get back to the UK, see your family, your friends and take a deep breath and hopefully you'll feel it, you'll know it absolutely was the right thing for you to do and you can't regret that. As to what might happen in the future, day at a time. Life is going to change hugely again for you both soon with the new baby. Focus on what is there, what is real and if hubby really is unhappy, cross that bridge when the time comes but don't live your life in fear for it now. Perhaps let him know that also, at some point, talk to him about it when you are both calm and the emotions of your return are out the way and you are back in the UK a little while and can have a cleared idea of how you both feel. Thank you Snifter. I hope so. I feel like hubby has forgotten all the good things about the UK and I have probably put them all on a pedestal! I think it really is the right thing for me, and also my youngest. And yes you are correct the oldest is already back in the UK (since March). I just can feel the resentment at the moment, and as much as all of my family and friends are happy for me and understand my reasons, it seems that we do not have the same support from hubbys family who have expressed no happiness at all that we are coming home. In fact his sister mailed him to say that she was angry that he had to give us his happiness to keep me happy!! This really hasn't been helpful when dealing with home-sickness and I fear it may be feeding his dissatisfaction at leaving? With baby due in 12 weeks I think that I would struggle to have the baby here without a support network. I certainly don't want to have one of my children in another continent. just consider coldly to come back to OZ just breaks my heart and puts serious questions over the value of our relationship,if he/we are unhappy there we could try to address that within the UK rather than rushing back here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Potentially, you've got the same scenario in reverse when you return to the UK with one of you being unhappy - it might be worth embarking on some marriage counselling when you get back to the UK, whilst the move back sounds that it's right for you and your hubby is putting you and your family first, do remember that he's going to feel a sense of loss as he liked it here, but also he had what you've said was his dream job - so there will be an element of adjustment for him (as there has been for you in not liking it in Aus). It's important to not project what you think he should be feeling on to him but acknowledge that he's going to struggle. I think he has put you and the family first because he is coming back with you and he's saying he's going to give it a go. Don't let any resentment eat away at the relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose Fuller Posted August 22, 2014 Author Share Posted August 22, 2014 Potentially, you've got the same scenario in reverse when you return to the UK with one of you being unhappy - it might be worth embarking on some marriage counselling when you get back to the UK, whilst the move back sounds that it's right for you and your hubby is putting you and your family first, do remember that he's going to feel a sense of loss as he liked it here, but also he had what you've said was his dream job - so there will be an element of adjustment for him (as there has been for you in not liking it in Aus). It's important to not project what you think he should be feeling on to him but acknowledge that he's going to struggle. I think he has put you and the family first because he is coming back with you and he's saying he's going to give it a go. Don't let any resentment eat away at the relationship. Thanks Ali. Id say that is sound advice xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chortlepuss Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Sorry you're having a hard time. My hubby loves Oz and wanted to stay here. I went to UK last year, stayed 5 months and took everything I had to get back on the plane here. When my hubby saw what a great time I had, including going on 3 holidays whilst I was there he mellowed and now is quite keen to return. When your hubby sees you happy and content back in UK he may mellow too! I think when you have babies you need to be surrounded by family and friends - it is a stressy time - I could not have had young kids here, would have been too lonely. I think your hubby is lashing out as he is disappointed - who knows, you may want to return yourself someday! I know what u mean about a time machine .. But u gave it a go and it wasn't for you. Life is for living and I think you are being very brave following your instincts. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose Fuller Posted August 22, 2014 Author Share Posted August 22, 2014 When your hubby sees you happy and content back in UK he may mellow too! I think when you have babies you need to be surrounded by family and friends - it is a stressy time - I could not have had young kids here, would have been too lonely. I think your hubby is lashing out as he is disappointed - who knows, you may want to return yourself someday! I know what u mean about a time machine .. But u gave it a go and it wasn't for you. Life is for living and I think you are being very brave following your instincts. Good luck! I do hope so, socially things were much better. I think he just needs a Tequilla night with our besties!!!! ;o) Did you go back to the UK permanently or are you still in OZ? I feel I couldn't live without him but also I cant live here, certainly not at this point in life. He told me he loves me, but I don't understand how he could consider leaving us. Hopefully he didn't mean it and its just frustration that it hasn't turned out the way he would have liked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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