stuartpreece Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Hi all. I’m a newbie and not sure if this is the correct place for this so please let me know if I need to move this post? I’m hoping for some advice (or maybe similar stories?) of how I can provide support to my partner and get our lives back on track. I’m an Australian bloke married to the love of my life. She’s English and we met in Australia. She has been here 8 years (married 2) now and we now have a 1 year old son (born in Oz). For years (before our son was born) she went through periods of being homesick. Some periods more intense than others. But for one reason or another she never moved back, usually citing our relationship as the main reason she chose not to. We have recently moved states, partly for lifestyle reasons and partly to be closer to my parents (and the child care benefits that comes with that) and now we’re in the midst of a very, very intense period of homesickness. Life in general (by hers and my admission) is great. We have good jobs, a growing group of new friends, a great lifestyle and all the things we wanted. Every day is a struggle though for her and it has gotten to the point where moving to England is the only thing that she says will bring happiness. It’s heartbreaking seeing her go through this, especially when the rest of our lives are so good. I made it very clear from the day we met that the UK is not where I want to live and she understood this. We have travelled to the UK together 5 times (the last trip lasting 3 months) and we’re booked to return at Xmas. I made a solid commitment to her that we would travel to the UK whenever possible and support her family coming out here but now, this doesn’t seem enough. I’ve thought about just doing it and living in the UK. I know I wouldn’t like it (I’ve been 10 times) and from reading a lot of posts on here, I suspect my wife wouldn’t either after a period of time. We’ve worked hard to have what we do (including the ability to travel to the UK almost yearly) so throwing this away is a very scary prospect. From people we know in the UK it is tough there. To have anything like we have here would take years and years to achieve, if at all (e.g. clichés like sun, surf and a house bigger than our shed). I don’t for one second begrudge my wife’s pull towards family and have done a lot to ensure they’re are a big part of our lives. I understand there is more to life than material things but comparing our situation in Aus V’s UK, we would be going so far backwards (including not having the opportunity to travel to Aus near as much as we can the other way) and in a lot of ways, staying backwards. Very, very tough and often heartbreaking situation (especially when now faced with losing my beloved wife AND my son) so any words from anyone in a similar spot would be much appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dxboz Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Not in a similar situation but if my OH was that unhappy I guess I would move. I certainly would not break up because I had to move to a different country. I think the main thing is keeping your family together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thinker78 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 definitely have my empathies- can i just tell you that homesickness for some feels as strong as grief- i get it at least twice a year to the point where i am bed ridden and crying and not able to do anything other than indulge it. no matter the length of time away, no matter how great your life is here, it's very very real. please never dismiss it as something in her control. it's an actual illness and can floor people. last year i had to see a psychologist to get some clearer thinking going on. But, it never goes away, a bit like grief, you learn to deal with it. also, the older a person gets and motherhood (this is the biggest addition) the draw to 'home' is much stronger. As your child is still so little, she will be possibly be reeling from all the changes and you cannot predict how motherhood changes perspective on things such as being able to be near your own family. I am a pom married to another pom but who has lived here most of their lives so they do not wish to return to the Uk either, but i'm afraid we've got to the same stage ie i want some time with my own family now. i can't tell you the solution other than going for an extended trip (lucky you have the funds) and seeing where the land lies after. it's a crazy world when you are married to someone whose life is here, but lots of people are in this boat. i would love to chat to your wife on email if she would like to sound off- there's lots of us in this situation, but i can't offer any solutions just understanding. good luck x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thinker78 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 ps. practical things you could be doing are a visit to the GP, referral to counselling etc, and generally knowing that it's not anything you have done or haven't done it's just what happens to some poms here- and there are many who feel this way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Im with dxboz. As much as you love Australia I'm sure you love your wife and son more. Would you be as unhappy and sad in the UK as your wife is here, I guess thats the key. Its easy for me to say this from the outside looking in but situations like this need to be looked at in lack and white (in my opinion) What do you want more, happy wife and son or sun and a bigger house? Anyway, at the end of the day this is your choice but I know what I would do in an instant. Good Luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fourcorners Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Why not indulge her for a couple of years? Is there any way you could take a sabbatical from your job and rent your house out? She has been happy to live here in Aus for you, and to build a comfortable life, how about you put financial gains on hold/aside for a year or two and go and live in the UK. You could view it as an adventure, time to get back in touch with her family (and for them to spend some quality time with your young child), explore europe. Nothing is forever, you then may decide you really like living there and stay longer, or your wife may decide that her life is actually in Australia. Living in the UK, as living here in Oz, is what you make of it. The economy is picking up there, most of my relatives haven't really been affected too much during the recession, all having a good time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 go and live in the UK. You could view it as an adventure, time to get back in touch with her family (and for them to spend some quality time with your young child) Now is the ideal time to do this while your child is young and not at school! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuartpreece Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 Well, big thanks for all your input (and love to hear more). Especially thinker78. You’re all most kind. In terms of seeing things in B&W, by mine and (usually) my wife’s take the ‘head’ decision is to stay and continue to build on this already great life for us and now our son. The ‘heart’ decision from my wife’s point of view is what dominates everything in our life now. At personal expense to us we have had a foot in both countries already. Regular trips and even x2 weddings! I’ve thought of a short term (e.g. 2 year) sabbatical to the UK but at some point we need to make a commitment to either or. I don’t want to be going through this again in 2 years, and especially don’t want my son to be as well. So many of the recent years have felt like ‘limbo’ and we’re both desperate now for some stability and certainty. Not to ever erase UK or Aus from our lives but ACTUALLY be in the place we are – for now this is Australia. Again, this isn’t just about the material things in life but to cash in what we have for what would likely be much less, and to likely reverse the feelings she has about UK onto me if we were in the UK seems like a foolish decision. Yes she gains her more regular family contact but at what expense? The ‘what’s best’ for our son chat is a very hard one. For my wife it is being closer to her family but that means being away from mine and missing out on the myriad of opportunities that Aus can provide over UK. At this point, I’m struggling to see how my sons future would be better in the UK than Aus (UK family aside) .. but I’m very receptive to listen! Would someone hurry up and invent super cheap, super-fast plane travel?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imo2oz Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 It may be simplistic, but IMO if you love her you've got to give the UK a go. Feeling trapped anywhere is a very bad place to be, let her know you both have choices about your future and nothing is written in stone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 "Mixed" marriages are really the trickiest of situations, finding that balance.... But maybe it is time to forget what you made "perfectly clear" eight years ago, are you really prepared to watch your wife in pain and do nothing about it? I am sure she has not tricked you, I expect all those years ago she had no idea what kind of deep depression she would fall into. There are many people living very happily in the UK and in fact if you read on here enough you may be surprised to learn that some even choose it. Nevertheless if you are so sure that she will not like it there, then you can come back and you are both winners. And try not to put material things before happiness. I once lived overseas on a very, very large tax free income and in a stunning house, but I was severely depressed so we left and the happiness we both got from that (me happy, OH not having to deal with unhappy wife) was worth every penny we gave up. Never looked back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tappers2oz Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Hmmmmm, thats a very tough situation. My thinking, she knew you never wanted to move and seemingly agreed to plan to live in Oz but travel regularly. Which you are doing. But if you know you don't want to live in the uk then the reverse feelings are highly likely for you if you move to the uk. Seems like this particular episode of homesickness may not only be for the UK but for the state you moved from. Perhaps she is feeling a little lost at 'starting again' in a new state. Even perhaps now your son is seeing your family more she is thinking how nice it would be for her family to see him more. I think you are both going to have to sit and have a long chat to try and figure out exactly what things are making her feel this way again. Hugs. I hope things get better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 and to likely reverse the feelings she has about UK onto me if we were in the UK seems like a foolish decision. Would you not rather take on the feelings from your wife and make her happy? I would rather be unhappy than my wife be unhappy. Just my opinion though. At this point, I’m struggling to see how my sons future would be better in the UK than Aus (UK family aside) Would your sons future be any worse in the UK? Personally I think not. Chin up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thinker78 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 It may be simplistic, but IMO if you love her you've got to give the UK a go.Feeling trapped anywhere is a very bad place to be, let her know you both have choices about your future and nothing is written in stone. speaking from experience, mothers of young children are just a little bit emotional and crazy That aside, i would suggest perhaps sitting down and coming up with a time frame ie let's give oz one more year plus a trip to uk in that time, before we make any hasty decisions etc, if that is really really hard, i suggest going to relationships australia who are very good at navigating areas of compromises etc. I've got a head decision- stay in australia (despite being a pom) but a heart decision- return to uk so my child can know it's uk family before they are too old and perhaps no longer here. my hubby has made me promise that we will return to oz (dates open) and i will keep that promise. i think he's seen that this will not go away in the long term, and you do have to make a choice ie you can't have it all, unless they migrate here. a lot of people don't get affected by this as they are not close to their families or can rationally live without them. i'm not in that camp and really miss my parents and sibling, despite the uk driving me crazy on many levels. ps. the uk does have a lot of issues, and it's certainly no australia, but plenty of kids are happy there, and my child is very excited at a new adventure and the prospect of said child having grandparents plus cousins who loves them, will surely take away the crappy weather and other issues. i'm afraid a lot of people end up ping ponging in a mixed relationship but perhaps if she sets a time frame with you, and sees someone who can be a neutral listener it may help. i only get to go 'home' every 2 years and it sucks. has she got many pommy friends? this can sometimes help a bit as it brings a little bit of the uk here. no offence to any aussies reading this! x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lambethlad Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 She might have other issues and should probably seek professional help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 She might have other issues and should probably seek professional help. Or maybe she just cant settle in Australia and wants to go home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasepom Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I personally think a move to uk would be a disaster if you're both not commited to it. It would also be a shame for you to give up your lifestyle here whatever your wife thinks about the UK now may not be the same either after being back there a while. My suggestion would continue to let her have trips back to UK if she wants to see relatives and to let her maybe extend that to 3 months if she wants to test the water. I mean she's not really trapped in Australia is she ? Trips back home means she can see friends and family and to some extend still be part of their lives. She can create a bit of England here too. Have English friends and celebrate being English, pot about the garden and all that. Help her as much as possible to understand what's missing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuartpreece Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 She might have other issues and should probably seek professional help. Why would you say that? Is this a common thing in homesick people in your experience? And yes, there is other issues at play. But maybe it’s chicken and egg. She has very low self esteem, always has and of course, way worse at the moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Maybe send her and your son home for 3 months so she can 'live' in the UK and test it. In my experience and from speaking to a lot of others I think that once that homesickness is there and the pull of home is in your mind it never goes. I certainly dont think she needs 'professional help' ' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest km75 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I am from the UK and my husband is Australian. When we got engaged in 2000 I told him I would only agree to marry him if he would agree to live in the UK. However, in 2003 we moved to Australia and I loved it! We did move back to the UK in 2008 and just returned back to Australia in January this year. I personally prefer Australia, however, I also love Scotland and had a great childhood there. As is often pointed out, both countries have their stronger and weaker points, and both offer a good standard of living. I am torn about being here, because my mum is back in Scotland and misses us terribly, and I feel so guilty not being there with her, so who knows how long we'll stay this time. My point being, moving back and forth isn't terribly difficult, yes, it's expensive, and it does set you back in terms of career and housing, but at the end of the day, it's better to be healthy and happy than anything else. You child is still young enough to move back and forth, and we have moved with ours and they adapt so well (ours our five and seven). Where in the UK is your wife from? Personally, if I was you, I go back to the UK for a few years for your wife's sake, she has made sacrifices to be with you in Australia, and I think you should be willing to do the same. As others have said, rent your house out, get a job transfer / take long service leave etc, and give it a go. One thing, have you got UK citizenship? I know nothing about this, as both me and my hubby have dual citizenship, but from what I have read on this board it may be harder for you to get a UK visa now than it was a few years ago, so you may need to look into this first. Good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuartpreece Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 Thanks again all. Maybe we need to talk about a longer trip over. Maybe having a 3rd party involved may help too. Being a ‘head’ person, and the son of a pom, by making it clear Aus is our home from day one (and having her agree) was my way to head this off. Well, it didn’t work and the game has changed and I guess I have some choices to make too. Certainly most heart wrenching choices to make (either way) and I genuinely appreciate all your input. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosiew Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I'm not sure that you can choose one or the other unless you give the UK a sustained go first. If you do not act soon it may be that the choice is taken away from you, or you go in a last ditch effort to save your marriage, which will not be a positive start to a relocation. There are plenty of people on here in a similar boat, so there is plenty of empathy for your situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasepom Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I'm not sure that you can choose one or the other unless you give the UK a sustained go first. If you do not act soon it may be that the choice is taken away from you, or you go in a last ditch effort to save your marriage, which will not be a positive start to a relocation. There are plenty of people on here in a similar boat, so there is plenty of empathy for your situation. Who's to say it will save the marriage? I've seen couples move back to UK and had a breakup there. The stress of moving across the world can do that to people. Without sounding too mushy it could be that she needs love and support here. She has a loving family which is the most important thing not where u live. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 My mum was like this and we lived in NZ the first time she returned home to live taking my young brother, I was grown up by this time, so did not really affect me. She stayed for about 18 months and came back. Then they moved over to Australia and after a few years off she went again, by this time my brother had grown up and did not go. She stayed again for about a year and returned to Aus. When they retired they went off to the UK for a three month holiday and lasted three weeks and came back to Aus. Its hard but my Dad was never going to return to the UK to live and he just said no. It was the right decision, he had a good job and was happy in his job and he would have had to go backwards if he returned to the UK. We are all born in UK but neither my Dad nor my late husband would ever have moved back to the UK and I would never have expected my husband to. Homesickness is what we make of it and I agree counselling can help. Obviously moving again in Aus has not helped your wife's situation. Everyone says do you love your wife enough, well it works both ways, there is always a sacrifice to make for a good life. My brother in recent years has told me that when Mum took him back to the UK, he hated it and was very unhappy there. She does not know this he never told her but I can understand why, he missed his home and friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I dont think either of you can decide that UK is right or wrong until you live there for a while. A job is a job, there will be others. A house is only a house, again there will be others. Your wife on the other hand is your wife...... Ask her outright what she wants to do and what she thinks will cure her homesickness. She knows herself/her feelings better than you or any 3rd party does. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thinker78 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 very very hard but most marriages are about compromise- a promise to make Aus home years ago may not stand the test of time esp once kids are involve. the way i look at it is; people change throughout their lives and we just can't predict how life is going to go....we try to control it and make rational decisions but we are only human and sadly we can't predict how we are going to feel down the track. as an enthusiastic backpacker and younger worker, australia was my be all and end all. but a decade later, with a young child and aging parents, my goal posts have changed very quickly- i could never have predicted i would be off to give the uk another go, honestly. your child will be fine wherever- kids take things on board easier than us and if you remember being a kid, all you want is your family, and the love of your parents, everything else is a bonus. please don't feel sorry for uk kids as they might not have as much sun but i had a wonderful childhood filled with lots of things that were just as thrilling- winter never bothered me as i was a kid who knew no different- we just had lots of playdates indoors and indoor activities, and great things such as bonfire nights and the stuff kids do- i never once wore sunscreen either till i went to spain aged 11 haha! but you get my point. kids need happy parents. i do feel for you as my other half isn't the biggest uk fan but is willing to compromise for a while. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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