Aunt Agatha Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 Packing is heinous any time, let alone at a time like this, I really feel for you. Great that you are feeling in a good frame of mind, as for the doubts - see my other thread! I'm in total turmoil and we aren't moving for 11 months :err: I think some doubts are totally normal, it's a huge life change and even though you are going "home" it will be a new chapter of your life. I admire how strong you have been through all of this and think you will be settled and happy very soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tillyd Posted May 17, 2014 Author Share Posted May 17, 2014 Well head screw times. He is finally home and told me he wants me to stay, one week before I go. My mind is in turmoil. He finally opened up and told me how he felt. Aahhhhh is all I have to say!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milly Posted May 18, 2014 Share Posted May 18, 2014 Hi Tilly. Despite the late call, it's good he has found his voice on the subject. And, if these types of conversations don't come easy it means the more. However, at some level knowing him as well as you do you already knew how he felt - he wants you to stay but he really doesn't want to go. So I suppose you now have to work on what is going to change/be different such that you can continue to spend your lives together. My advice would be go and have your holiday but make up your mind to return to your husband and pets before you go. Use the break for some thinking time, to refresh your mind and spirit, catch up with loved ones. Look at it fresh when you return. This is such a huge decision, to rush into it would be a mistake. Flying back and forth is not cheap. But if your husband is earning well and you are working, the extra money spent is worth it and pales into insignificance when you look at the financial cost of divorce - which this may end up becoming if you continue on this path. Not to mention the emotional cost. How will you feel if after you separate your husband takes up with another. My best wishes to you. I know how it feels to have the heartache that pulls you 'home'. And I put home in commas because, for many of us though not all, once we become migrants home is in two places. It is the hidden cost of migration that we can't fully realise until it becomes part of our very being. Milly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chortlepuss Posted May 18, 2014 Share Posted May 18, 2014 Well head screw times. He is finally home and told me he wants me to stay, one week before I go. My mind is in turmoil. He finally opened up and told me how he felt. Aahhhhh is all I have to say!!! Well better late than never - But I think you should press on with your trip home, re-charge your batteries and be open to negotiation....Good luck - such a tough one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted May 18, 2014 Share Posted May 18, 2014 It's good that he told you he wants you to stay as an expression of the fact that he loves you. But, he knows that you want to leave so asking you to stay isn't really trying to meet your needs. Still, good to hear your leaving won't go unnoticed! I agree with Chortlepuss re pushing on and leaving the door open. Sounds like the lines of communication are working again so there is hope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tillyd Posted May 19, 2014 Author Share Posted May 19, 2014 Hi, yes we have spoken alot over the last few days. He is still going to stay, that isn't going to change. I am still going and sending sending my stuff over and the animals fly next week. However, we are not calling it quits just yet as we both know that this is what I need right now. We are just going to see how things pan out. We will probably rent the house out for now, until a final decision is made. I think we both need to life for ourselves for a while and work out what it is that I want. Ideally I want my husband but if staying here means being unhappy then it isn't good for any of us. I do like Australia and I'm not opposed to returning and we have left that open. I know that for now I need to be in the uk, whether it is for 3 months, 6 months or forever. Financially I am not sure where that leaves me. I will need to find work ASAP so that I can start supporting myself, I have his help for now. It's going to be tough and this week is going to kill me emotionally. So not a lot has changed apart from the fact that we are finally talking about it and we have left our relationship open for now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milly Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 I hope things work out well for you Tilly. Hope you and the animals have a good trip back and get settled in soon. Good luck with the job hunting. Best wishes, Milly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 Are you home in the UK now Tillyd? How is it going? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tillyd Posted June 3, 2014 Author Share Posted June 3, 2014 Yes at home now I am staying with family until I can get a job. I must admit to feeling out of sorts and a bit of a burden as it feels like I am putting them out. Animals arrived ok. I on the other hand have come down with some sort of chest bug and bouts of coughing so I haven't done too much this week. Maybe all the stress is catching up with me now. I love that everyone stops for a chat and seem very helpful. Last week we had 3 days of none stop rain and everything seemed very bleak. This week has been better Early days so let's see how it goes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 Glad you and your pets arrived back safely, sorry to hear you're unwell though. I am sure you are not putting anybody out but I can imagine I'd feel the same! Sounds like you need a bit of RnR, hope the weather picks up so you can get a boost of vitamin D soon. Be gentle with yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3FatCats Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 Yes at home now I am staying with family until I can get a job. I must admit to feeling out of sorts and a bit of a burden as it feels like I am putting them out. Animals arrived ok. I on the other hand have come down with some sort of chest bug and bouts of coughing so I haven't done too much this week. Maybe all the stress is catching up with me now. I love that everyone stops for a chat and seem very helpful. Last week we had 3 days of none stop rain and everything seemed very bleak. This week has been better Early days so let's see how it goes. Take it easy Tilly, it will all fall into place :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tillyd Posted July 9, 2014 Author Share Posted July 9, 2014 Hello all, thought it might be time for a little update. Well I've been back now for a few weeks and I'm feeling more like my old self again. I'm still staying with family and I am really grateful for that but I am missing my own living space. After all, before coming here I had plenty of that and was on my own for most of the time. Seeing family and friends when I want is brilliant, I've even had to take a weekend off to recharge my batteries. I have managed to secure not one but two jobs since being back and compared to Aus the job market is quite good. I got offered both jobs at the end of each interview. I'm very happy about that. My husband is still in Oz, initially I think he had a bit of a strop and hardly tried to communicated with me. Now after a few weeks he is actively skyping me and telling me that he loves me etc. He is also trying to release some of our money to send over so that I can buy a car and put a deposit on a flat. The jury is still out on whether I stay or go but I have decided not to put that kind of pressure on myself just yet, it's early days and I need longer to make that decision. I'm just enjoying being back home for now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Hello all, thought it might be time for a little update. Well I've been back now for a few weeks and I'm feeling more like my old self again. I'm still staying with family and I am really grateful for that but I am missing my own living space. After all, before coming here I had plenty of that and was on my own for most of the time. Seeing family and friends when I want is brilliant, I've even had to take a weekend off to recharge my batteries. I have managed to secure not one but two jobs since being back and compared to Aus the job market is quite good. I got offered both jobs at the end of each interview. I'm very happy about that. My husband is still in Oz, initially I think he had a bit of a strop and hardly tried to communicated with me. Now after a few weeks he is actively skyping me and telling me that he loves me etc. He is also trying to release some of our money to send over so that I can buy a car and put a deposit on a flat. The jury is still out on whether I stay or go but I have decided not to put that kind of pressure on myself just yet, it's early days and I need longer to make that decision. I'm just enjoying being back home for now. Well done on the jobs! Hopefully you will be getting your own wheels and space before too long! Living with other people sucks!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Great update Tillyd! I can imagine that living with family is hard, hopefully you get that flat ASAP. Brilliant news about the jobs, congratulations. It's reassuring to hear the job market is fairly buoyant. It sounds like your husband is missing you - a very good sign! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tillyd Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 Well I'm sat in the garden in what is a beautiful summers day. I've just walked up town and everyone else seems to be enjoying the weather too. Today is going to be a chill day in the garden as I have the house to myself. I have started one new job which is only casual but that's all I'm looking for at the moment. The renting over here is a bit pants to be honest, I hate the fact of paying out so much money to just apply. I popped into one real estates and asked about putting 6 months rent down as I have no credit history and not in full time work just yet. I was disheartened when they said they no longer do this as it's too much trouble. I don't think this is the case for all of them thought. I cannot see me renting just a room with a dog, I would be worried about her barking etc. The good thing about being here is that I don't really need a car, everything is in walking distance. I have put on a couple of pounds with all the yummy fish and chips etc. so I am getting myself back on track now. I'm quite optimistic about the job situation, I have secured a role with the NHS which I hope will lead into a full time position. Both jobs were offered to me straight after the interviews. Shopping is all relative, it's cheaper but wages are less. One thing that I have noticed is the small town mentality, every man and his dog want to know why I am back, how long I'm staying and why am I here on my own. I just drug my shoulders and tell them I'm having some family time which I am. On the whole it's nice to be back. Gotta go now as my oh wants to do skype soon. With the time differences it's been very hard the last couple of weeks to communicate. Catch you later ..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helz980 Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Lovely to hear your update! You actually 'sound' more at peace with yourself & that's great!!! Enjoy your time Hun xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tillyd Posted September 21, 2014 Author Share Posted September 21, 2014 Hi all, I've been back a few months now and I've in general is good. I am still on good terms with my husband and we have kept in touch throughout. However he has give me an ultimatum now, stay or go back to him. Everyone here is telling me to stay in the UK. But me, I am the most indecisive person I know. With all my kids and family here with me they tell me it's a no brainier. However, I do miss him and our home and life heaps. The downside is that if I were to go back then it would be to the same situation. He will be working away, at least until I can get a job. Another thing that has put a spring in the works. He went and put a deposit on a house and land package and told me after because it was the last block left and I wasn't around to ask .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tillyd Posted September 21, 2014 Author Share Posted September 21, 2014 Hi all, I've been back a few months now and I've in general is good. I am still on good terms with my husband and we have kept in touch throughout. However he has give me an ultimatum now, stay or go back to him. Everyone here is telling me to stay in the UK. But me, I am the most indecisive person I know. With all my kids and family here with me they tell me it's a no brainier. However, I do miss him and our home and life heaps. The downside is that if I were to go back then it would be to the same situation. He will be working away, at least until I can get a job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 I am still on good terms with my husband and we have kept in touch throughout. However he has give me an ultimatum now, stay or go back to him. Everyone here is telling me to stay in the UK. Do you think it's reasonable of him to give you an ultimatum? He's telling you that Australia is more important to him than you, so if you want to be with him, you have to go back to being miserable and lonely? What compromises is he going to make to ensure you are happier this time? It sounds like he expects you to make all the compromises... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melbpom Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 I'd be rather concerned that a financial decision was being made without my consent. At the very least have an inventory of your assets on hand. Don't let him assume ownership if you decide not to go back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 Another thing that has put a spring in the works. He went and put a deposit on a house and land package.... Posting again because I thought you had just double-posted, then I noticed that sentence. It really, really, really worries me. If I were in your shoes, this is what I'd want to hear from my husband, "Darling, I want to save our marriage. Come back and we'll both make a big effort to make things work in Australia. Once you've got a job, I'll look for a local job too, and I'm sure that will make all the difference to your happiness. But, if you're still miserable in a year's time, then we'll move back home to the UK. I'd rather be with you in hell than without you in paradise." He's not saying that, is he? He's gone out and bought a house, so he's committing even more to Australia, instead of leaving his (and your) options open. It sounds depressingly like a deliberate ploy: if you're still unhappy in a year's time, it will be so much harder to leave when there's a house to sell. Do I read between the lines, that he'll look for a local job after you've found a job for yourself? Is that another delaying tactic? Once you're safely back in Australia, are you confident he'll follow through on that promise? If he doesn't follow through, will you have enough money to leave all over again, or will you be trapped there? Sorry to be so negative but I just have a bad feeling about this. And by the way, it's normal to miss your partner when you break up - women even feel that even when their husband was abusive or unfaithful! We all want to have a special someone in our lives, and feel bereft when he's not there. It doesn't mean it was the right partner! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 He did what???? If my DH had done that I would be spitting chips! How dare he commit further to Australia knowing that that has the potential to condemn you to a lifetime of unhappiness?! Tell him to get the deposit back, get a local job and then you may think about it after he has been over for a visit so he can see how much happier you are! I'm sorry but this smacks of control to me and maybe this isn't out of character. You gave it a bloody good go so now it's his turn to look after his wife! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tillyd Posted September 21, 2014 Author Share Posted September 21, 2014 Thank you thank you, I thought I was going mad because I was angry about what he has done. His reason is that he has made a compromise as we still get to be in the same area (because I told him I didn't want to move to a new area as I do have friends to lean on if I was to come back - he wants to move to a new area). He says it a good investment and as I haven't given him a return date and I'm not there then he is doing what needs to be done and he needs to be happy, but he's not happy without me??? I have already asked him to retract the offer on the land/house so that if I go back we can concentrate on us as a couple without the stress it will bring .... The above was his response. I was trying to STILL trying to make it work as a partnership but his reply was about him Ahhhhhh, writing this down does make this clearer in my head and yes it does sound controlling. I think he was trying to call my bluff. Maybe I should call his bluff and tell him to go ahead and sell the bloody house! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melbpom Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 Tilly, I'm rather surprised that he could make such a large financial decision without your signature. Can you get some legal advice? At the very least he needs to revoke the purchase and give you the opportunity to have some input into what should be an exciting purchase. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Oh Tilly alarm bells are ringing for me! The ultimatum, the house and land purchase (!) the fact that it's all about him. Just my opinion of course and I'm sure he's a good guy in other ways but if it was me I'd be staying firmly put in the UK and making sure I knew every last detail of our financial position and my entitlements to it. And yes, he should revoke that purchase ASAP. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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