PatW Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 I am sorry to read that your lad is struggling with settling. Lots of other comments have been made, so I won't go over them. I wonder whether talking to the school chaplain (you or your son) would help? They're there to help the kids and are 'independent' to parents or teachers. Alternatively, could seeing a counsellor be of help? Again, someone to talk to who is independent of the parents and teachers. I do wish you well in this struggle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest16631 Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 Hi, I have got problems with my eldest son (we have got 3 younger kids who are settling in pretty well). We have been living in Melbourne for 9 months now, and I was so hoping that my son would have settled by now, but perhaps I was over optimistic. We have got him into a really great school and we are earning more money here, so have offered for him to join various activities, but he is so reluctant to do anything. He agreed to go on an amazing school trip to the USA a few months ago, only to drop the bombshell yesterday that he doesn't want to go anymore....after we have paid the deposit...which he will have to cover from his own money We moved here when he was just over 13, and I knew he was the one that would probably find it the hardest, but I did think he would be ok eventually, now I am having my doubts. He puts hardly any effort into his school work, and says he hates it there, he just wants to be back in his old school in England. When I asked him what the names of his friends at school are he listed about 20 people....but they all went to his old school. It is almost like he views where we used to live and his whole life back there with rose coloured glasses, and nothing I say can change that. I believe that he has got a few friends here, but isn't as popular as he was at his old school, and I think he might lay on how unhappy he is to get to me, I feel so guilty about it all. My OH has less sympathy, and thinks that it is too late to beat ourselves up for moving here, and that our son just needs to buck up his ideas. My main worry is that he is sabotaging his education because of this reluctance to embrace life here, and that is very stressful for me. Anyone been through the same?? Should we send him back to England on a holiday so he can see it's not as great as he remembers it??? although this might backfire! I feel a bit better already, having written it all down... .........have just read your post.....! ..........and do feel you just need to let him know you accept his feelings....... ...........that often life's journey is not want we want...... ...........and help him choose a happier path...........but... ............life has boundaries.....a path an edge.... .............there to safeguard us.........so explain that his choices will also have some restrictions...... .............it's about choosing the boundaries your not prepared to move..... .............and those your happy to be flexible with...... .............he's 14...........so while a young man.......still a minor and within the care of his parents..... ..............I do wish you well.........tink x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ozer123 Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 I moved abroad when I was 14 and went through extremely similar circumstances to what you guys are mentioning. I felt like it was me against everyone and all I ever wanted to do was return home, nobody in my school was my 'friend' (nobody made my myspace top 8, EVER!) and I spent all my time scheduling what I was doing so I could get as much time possible on msn/myspace/stickam with my friends back home. My parents were, like many of you aware that I did not 'settle' in well and tried to get me involved in various activities, eventually I found one on my own accord where I proceeded to make people I proudly called my friends. Australian expats When it came time to leave that country, despite a wealth of new friends and having a great time I was so pumped to return home expat. It took me less than 3 months to realise how good I had it, and I spent the next year of my life trying to get back there, which I ended up doing and loved every moment that I was back there. So my advice is to just get your children involved in as much stuff as possible, do things you don't necessarily feel comfortable with them doing. Take them clay pigeon shooting, teach them to ride dirtbikes, heck, let them learn to play Magic the gathering (don't actually do this). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 An awful lot of good advice here......tink........you.....have.....nailed....it......perfectly. Our 5 year old moved to Australia under protest, at the time we didn't take a blind bit of notice - he was 5!!! We stayed 5 years and he never embraced Australian life - he never wanted to go to the beach, refused to swim in the sea (he was genuinely terrified), he had 'best friends' and 'best friends in Australia'. On the surface he was settled but he never considered it 'home', at 7 he said he would go to college in Scotland - I rather flippantly said 'well you better start saving your pocket money because mummy & daddy won't be paying' and he crumpled, the tears shot from his eyes almost horizontally - the moment is tattooed on my heart, we were walking from Adelaide Terrace down to the Bell Tower. I have no doubt whatsoever that he was romanticising Scotland, in fact when he saw estate agent details of our house, he asked who's house it was! But feelings aren't necessarily rational and I have spoken to enough adults who moved to Australia at similar ages to know the loss endures. At 14 he's got a lot more going on emotionally than a 5 year old so I don't envy you, my rising 11 is starting to be not quite so much fun! You are the parent though and it's not all about him. Can you do a deal? Agree to pay for a months visit each year until he is 18 if he abides by certain expectations - i.e. doing school work, participating in family activities etc. I personally wouldn't discourage continuation of the friendships in the UK - if he does move back at even 18, they will be a godsend. We have moved back to the UK now - not because of our son although if he had been happy we may well have stayed - we are making efforts, as are the parents of his friends in Australia, to maintain those friendships as we all know 'gap years' are just around the corner and how wonderful that our kids will have sofa's to surf or at least someone at the end of the phone in the same country in dire emergencies. The irony is I can see my son taking a gap year and staying in Australia! We're all citizens though so that'll just be a new phase in our lives Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geraldine Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 Such a difficult situation and I send lots of sympathy. Lots of excellent advice has already been given. Teenagers are a special category due to the changes they are undergoing. WE came out last March with a 22,18,12&9 yr old. Our eldest and 12 yr old where the most enthusiastic . My 18 and 9 yr were a bit more reluctant. We went back to the UK for Christmas and caught up with all our friends and family. So almost a year later…. 22&18 yr old boys would have got back on plane as soon as they touched down in Manchester and returned to Oz. My 12&9 yr old would go back to the UK in a heart beat. We had discussed this possibility before we arrived and as it turns out couldn't have predicted which ones would have struggled . Don't beat yourself up, you are doing the best you can for the whole family not one individual and in todays individualistic society that maybe the best lesson they ever learn. Best of luck. ps couple of folks I have met found themselves in exactly the same situation and a couple of years later their kids are doing a great…..we live in hope Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DuffieldDownunder Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 My daughter was 13 and drove a hard bargain. She wanted an iPhone, a grand piano, a dolphin and a unicorn to come here and join me (she got the iPhone) She tried it on to start with. Calling from school wanting to go home to the UK. That lasted a week, she realized she wasn't going to get her way. We invested heavily in sports clubs, stage coach and singing lessons, we sent her on a school trip to New Zealand... and now 2.5 years on, she is very settled. When we got PR, we said she could go back to the UK on her own. She did this in January this year for a month. The timing was spot on, she ws ready to come "home" - for her, if we had let her go earlier, she may have reconnected... It is heart breaking. Friends of ours had a daughter with a "going home to England" money box.... she just started Uni and has her first car.... Good luck. Be Strong. Remember, for now, you do know best despite what the 14 year old says Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boganbear Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 I was a Forces kid so we moved around a lot around the UK and the world. It wasn't easy for me and at times unsettling, particularly in making friends. However, whilst each move was always discussed it was clear I had no choice, and to a great extent neither did my dad as we had to go where he was posted. Nevertheless, there is no way I would carry on the way your son has. You need to lay down the law but in a positive manner and get him to be open with his feelings and make the best of your new life. It is a difficult age after all. Even so, I loved living abroad and hated going back to the UK! In emigrating as an adult I found it difficult for the first couple of years and did more than my fair share of whingeing (and still do), burning some bridges and making some big mistakes but I would never go back. You need to be strong for yourselves, and for him and getting out and about, trying new things, having adventures is all you can do. Some of the suggestions other people have said are worth following up. Check with the school things are ok and see if there is any way they can assist as depression or refusal to acknowledge his new life can cause behavioural and social problems. With a bit of patience, time and luck he will come around. Best of luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fensaddler Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 I think you are all being a little harsh. I had this done to me several times. 13 is a very delicate age, there is so much uncertainty at this age. To take a child away from their support group whilst they are at their most vulnerable, and then just expecting them to suck it up can do serious damage. I suffered depression and was suicidal (never attempted) for many many years, and I really only fixed things by moving back to the UK. You have taken away the fabric of these children's lives for what? Sunshine, a bigger house and higher wages? Not all kids are as materialistic as others. You all need to have a serious discussion within your families about what you are trying to achieve, and you need to justify the pain you have caused. God help you if you can't. You may well find what you did to your parents gets done to you. And that bitter sorrow can be hard to chew. Based on my own experience and the discussion here, I very much doubt that most decisions to migrate are based on aspirations which are as shallow and materialist as a bigger house and more money, though I’ve no doubt it might appear that way to an adolescent who thinks all adults are dull breadheads. Moreover, and again looking at the discussion here, I very much doubt that most parents undertake migration without appropriate discussion and consultation with their children – and indeed many migrate in the expectation that their children will have a better life as a result. That doesn’t mean they provide their children with a veto, or allow them to run the family – because few minors are in a position to make the sort of life decisions that adults have to. When I was 14, the main cause of my angst was being at grammar school. That was, I believed, something visited upon me by parents who didn’t understand. Of course, I survived. Being there may have been the least worst option for me, or I may well have been happier somewhere else. In the end no one knows, and my parents, as most parents, tried to do the best for me in the context of their own experience and assumptions. I daresay that if they had inflicted migration on me at the same age, I’d have blamed my angst on that, probably with no greater accuracy or insight than I blamed it, at the time, on their choice of school. There is a huge difference between ‘my child may be depressed’ and ‘my child may be depressed and it’s my fault because of the decisions we’ve taken as a family’. Just because a teenager is miserable and angst ridden (in the normal range of 14 year old experience) or depressed (also not uncommon, but needs addressing) does not mean it is the fault of the parents, even if the teenager thinks it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johndoe Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 ^ Spot on! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newjez Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Based on my own experience and the discussion here, I very much doubt that most decisions to migrate are based on aspirations which are as shallow and materialist as a bigger house and more money, though I’ve no doubt it might appear that way to an adolescent who thinks all adults are dull breadheads. Moreover, and again looking at the discussion here, I very much doubt that most parents undertake migration without appropriate discussion and consultation with their children – and indeed many migrate in the expectation that their children will have a better life as a result. That doesn’t mean they provide their children with a veto, or allow them to run the family – because few minors are in a position to make the sort of life decisions that adults have to. When I was 14, the main cause of my angst was being at grammar school. That was, I believed, something visited upon me by parents who didn’t understand. Of course, I survived. Being there may have been the least worst option for me, or I may well have been happier somewhere else. In the end no one knows, and my parents, as most parents, tried to do the best for me in the context of their own experience and assumptions. I daresay that if they had inflicted migration on me at the same age, I’d have blamed my angst on that, probably with no greater accuracy or insight than I blamed it, at the time, on their choice of school. There is a huge difference between ‘my child may be depressed’ and ‘my child may be depressed and it’s my fault because of the decisions we’ve taken as a family’. Just because a teenager is miserable and angst ridden (in the normal range of 14 year old experience) or depressed (also not uncommon, but needs addressing) does not mean it is the fault of the parents, even if the teenager thinks it is. The attitude of many of the responses on here were that the children should just suck it up. Well I'm sorry, but that that is not really good enough. True, not all adolescent problems are caused by migration, but a great many are magnified by them. My parents migrated for health reasons, and I don't begrudge them that. The move to Sydney wasn't that bad, and young children do adjust well. But the move back to the UK then to perth caused problems. We were at an age where damage was done. My brother saw a child psychologist for quite some time. All my siblings have alcohol and self confidence issues. Telling someone to tell their child to grow up, and just suck it up is a dangerous thing to do. You may come home one day and find your problem at the end of a rope. You did the damage. It's your job to fix it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fensaddler Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 The attitude of many of the responses on here were that the children should just suck it up. Well I'm sorry, but that that is not really good enough. True, not all adolescent problems are caused by migration, but a great many are magnified by them. My parents migrated for health reasons, and I don't begrudge them that. The move to Sydney wasn't that bad, and young children do adjust well. But the move back to the UK then to perth caused problems. We were at an age where damage was done. My brother saw a child psychologist for quite some time. All my siblings have alcohol and self confidence issues. Telling someone to tell their child to grow up, and just suck it up is a dangerous thing to do. You may come home one day and find your problem at the end of a rope. You did the damage. It's your job to fix it. Clearly some people agree with you but this seems a rather extreme response. I'd suggest, without personalising it, that if kids emerge from a family with a whole series of substance abuse and psychological issues, then the cause is likely to be much more complex and deep seated than migration. Otherwise most kids who migrate would be screwed up by it into adulthood, and patently, they are not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newjez Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Clearly some people agree with you but this seems a rather extreme response. I'd suggest, without personalising it, that if kids emerge from a family with a whole series of substance abuse and psychological issues, then the cause is likely to be much more complex and deep seated than migration. Otherwise most kids who migrate would be screwed up by it into adulthood, and patently, they are not. Aren't they? I was a high achiever. On the surface it must have looked like I had a pretty perfect life. I was dux of my school in year 8, and it was a good school. I made the honours list when I graduated. I was a state champion cyclist. Lake monger veledrome was my home. Speed thrilled me. I took risks that were unbelievable. I would never have attempted, despite being in my own personal hell. But Christ did I take some risks. You can get up to 90kph on a racing bike down Redhill. And playing games with traffic, I loved the adrenaline rush. I won awards, scholarships, surfing. On the outside things looked great. But I'd been bullied very badly when I was vulnerable, with no friends and no one to turn to. But no one saw me cry. What would have been the point? At eighteen I hit alcohol. That was all I needed. What better tool to self destruct with. Just because you can't see a problem with kids who have migrated doesn't mean it's not there. But I'm not here to give people a guilt trip. Hell, I may do the same thing to my own kids if I deem it is in there interests. But for gods sake support them, even if at a last resort that means giving up your dreams. Because, after all, if your kids are damaged by the experience, then what's the point? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johndoe Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Aren't they? But for gods sake support them, even if at a last resort that means giving up your dreams. Because, after all, if your kids are damaged by the experience, then what's the point? The point I would think, is that kids are damaged by far worse experiences than migration and that damage is "healed" by confronting the 'experience" and learning to deal with it.................kids of servicemen are on the move all the time for example...................can a serviceman give up his occupation just because his kid may complain? How many of use here can deny that as teens we blamed all and sundry for any discomfort we felt at a given situation, whilst at the same time, refusing to consider any other option for alleivating our discomfort....................it is easy to blame others, whilst at the same time not taking responsibilty for the problems we heap on others, than it is to "conform" What further damage may be caused by allowing him "to rule the roost" at the expense of parents and siblings happiness, particularly as it isn't really known if his "misery" is actually down to migration or simply "teenage blues"? Giving him the power to direct the whole familiy's direction in life, my be more harmful than negotiating another course of action, suitable to the whole family. The course of action should be talk, talk, and more talk, with all parties, via a youth counsellor if need be................then and only then, if it is deemed that his mental health is at risk (due to migration), should the family consider return. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasepom Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Clearly some people agree with you but this seems a rather extreme response. I'd suggest, without personalising it, that if kids emerge from a family with a whole series of substance abuse and psychological issues, then the cause is likely to be much more complex and deep seated than migration. Otherwise most kids who migrate would be screwed up by it into adulthood, and patently, they are not. Is it just the school that is the problem? Or perhaps they just don't feel like you are going to settle here, either way, they need to be supported in that this is now your home, and you can all find ways to make it better. Teenage angst could happen just as easily to them in UK. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul1Perth Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Aren't they? I was a high achiever. On the surface it must have looked like I had a pretty perfect life. I was dux of my school in year 8, and it was a good school. I made the honours list when I graduated. I was a state champion cyclist. Lake monger veledrome was my home. Speed thrilled me. I took risks that were unbelievable. I would never have attempted, despite being in my own personal hell. But Christ did I take some risks. You can get up to 90kph on a racing bike down Redhill. And playing games with traffic, I loved the adrenaline rush. I won awards, scholarships, surfing. On the outside things looked great. But I'd been bullied very badly when I was vulnerable, with no friends and no one to turn to. But no one saw me cry. What would have been the point? At eighteen I hit alcohol. That was all I needed. What better tool to self destruct with. Just because you can't see a problem with kids who have migrated doesn't mean it's not there. But I'm not here to give people a guilt trip. Hell, I may do the same thing to my own kids if I deem it is in there interests. But for gods sake support them, even if at a last resort that means giving up your dreams. Because, after all, if your kids are damaged by the experience, then what's the point? Are you blaming all your problems on migration though? Or was it the bullying and no friends that really affected you? That could happen anywhere, whether you'd migrated or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newjez Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 The point I would think, is that kids are damaged by far worse experiences than migration and that damage is "healed" by confronting the 'experience" and learning to deal with it.................kids of servicemen are on the move all the time for example...................can a serviceman give up his occupation just because his kid may complain? How many of use here can deny that as teens we blamed all and sundry for any discomfort we felt at a given situation, whilst at the same time, refusing to consider any other option for alleivating our discomfort....................it is easy to blame others, whilst at the same time not taking responsibilty for the problems we heap on others, than it is to "conform" What further damage may be caused by allowing him "to rule the roost" at the expense of parents and siblings happiness, particularly as it isn't really known if his "misery" is actually down to migration or simply "teenage blues"? Giving him the power to direct the whole familiy's direction in life, my be more harmful than negotiating another course of action, suitable to the whole family. The course of action should be talk, talk, and more talk, with all parties, via a youth counsellor if need be................then and only then, if it is deemed that his mental health is at risk (due to migration), should the family consider return. I don't think we are necessarily disagreeing with each other. But I think that we both must agree that getting teenagers to talk isn't the easiest thing to do, especially where there are feelings of mistrust and betrayal involved. At least forces kids know why they are being moved. My illness has affected my children's mental health. It distresses them greatly. But I can't not be I'll. But I can try and help them cope. Putting migration on top of that could be the straw that breaks their back. But I am still considering it, because although I don't dwell on it, there may come a time when they run out of adults in the UK capable of looking after them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newjez Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Are you blaming all your problems on migration though? Or was it the bullying and no friends that really affected you? That could happen anywhere, whether you'd migrated or not. No, the bullying I experienced was a direct result of migration. I wasn't the sort of child that gets bullied. But when I went to perth I was sent to Coventry for three years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul1Perth Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 No, the bullying I experienced was a direct result of migration. I wasn't the sort of child that gets bullied. But when I went to perth I was sent to Coventry for three years. There is no "sort of child that gets bullied". It can happen to anyone anywhere. Could have happened to you if you had stayed where you were and not come to Perth. I think girls are worse than boys, they seem to bounce around from one group to another and seem to love to exclude certain girls from the group at some time. I hated my parents for taking me 4 miles from Chesterfield to North Wingfield when I was 10. I didn't have any friends or so I thought and I got bullied good and proper. It was the type of place you had to stand up for yourself pretty quickly or life could have been hell. I did, I was decent at soccer and other sports so that helped. We moved into a rough secondary school and I saw kids who hadn't been bullied before get off on the wrong foot with the bullies and their life through secondary school was hell. There were a few guys threatening people with knives and demanding money off them when we were in the first year. I never had any money and had to stand up to them. The young kids that thought they might be cool if they got friendly with them and gave them some money ended up having to do the same all through school. Do you know why you got "sent to Coventry"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fensaddler Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 No, the bullying I experienced was a direct result of migration. I wasn't the sort of child that gets bullied. But when I went to perth I was sent to Coventry for three years. I appreciate (genuinely) your emotional honesty. I get, absolutely, the trauma of bullying (been there). I also know from close family members the damage caused by alcohol dependency. But (there has to be one...) you were the sort of child who gets bullied, because you got bullied. Clearly it is possible to be good at sports, a risk taker, and the sort of personality approved of as an example by school, and still be both bullied and lacking the necessary social support. But not all migrant kids get bullied, probably most of them don't get bullied, certainly not to the extent of causing genuine emotional trauma. So to suggest a direct, causal link between migration (contributory, possibly) and later problems is IMHO probably overstating it. You and I do agree that it is hugely important to support and listen to our children, and take their issues and concerns seriously. As parents we are all imperfect, but most of us genuinely do our best. And sometimes the best and the only solution we can offer is to walk with them through a problem, and help them to deal with it, rather than teaching them to avoid resolving things, or facing things, that they can't change. One sage piece of advice from my mother - 'there is only one way round a problem, and that is straight through the middle of it'. And that partly explains why I and my family are in Australia in the first place, because it was an attempt to deal with the impact of the GFC on our job security, and on the social fabric of the town we lived in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest16631 Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 .......I think bullying .....being ignored.......not fitting in...... ......can happen anywhere.....at any time..... ........even if your the most popular person at school..... .......a new term,.....new pupils.....new teachers.......can throw the balance out.. .......suddenly your just one of the others.....even a minority group or alone...... ........that's life..... ........I was bullied......new at the school.....wrong accent.....wrong parentage.... .........and was beaten and kicked by a large group of pupils.... .........I ended up with two broken teeth.... .........and black and blue..... ..........but I dealt with it in my own way and stayed at that school for 3 years..... ...........never popular......but tolerated..... ...........I enjoyed the friends I did have......some of the teachers......and many of the lessons.... ............mine have had similar experiences...... .............to me it's about teaching your children how to cope..... ............to be proud of who and what they are,,........where ever they are..... .............sometimes we have to sail out of that safe harbour..... ..............and we need skills to cope with rough weather..... ...............I think bullies will always find a reason to do what they do..... ................it's helping/ supporting/ teaching your child......how to cope.........ime....and IMO.....of course......tink x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johndoe Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 I don't think we are necessarily disagreeing with each other. But I think that we both must agree that getting teenagers to talk isn't the easiest thing to do, especially where there are feelings of mistrust and betrayal involved. At least forces kids know why they are being moved. Exactly, and so do (or should do) the kids of migrants. One is no different than the other, both sets of parents make a conscious choice of a lifestyle that they think will lead to "family security". Nothing comes easy in life and has to be worked at and all one can do is hope that one's kids will understand why parent's make the choices that they do, despite the difficulties/obstacles that those choices may initially present. If a kid feels mistrust and betrayal as a result of those choices, then all one can do is guide 'em through, until such time as they can handle the matter in a more mature manner................as it clearly is not a matter of mistrust or betrayal, but a matter of how the kid sees it as such. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johndoe Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 It can happen to anyone anywhere. True...................doesn't matter how tough you are, if you're not liked by your peers, or even one peer, they will emlist the help of others to combat your toughness. I was bullied simply because I was "tough" (physically, although mentally "fragile")...............a working class oick from an orphanage, in a middle class grammar school......................my peers enlisted the help of kids (prefects) 3 yrs older to get at me and made my life hell...................in fact, the teachers were even worse. It can happen to anyone and nobody is the "type" who won't get bullied.......................they are simply fortunate if they're not.....................it's an animal trait......................pecking order, nothing more, nothing less, although more sophistcated in humans than animals....................that's why it continues throughout generations/cultures. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caramac Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 I don't think that migration per se causes problems - if you're someone who doesn't deal with change well, then it's going to be tougher than someone who's always up for a new adventure, whether adult or child? Just moving house or school can be enough to cause problems for some. My lot have had quite 'mobile' childhoods and seem fine - they all say they can't imagine what it'd be like to spend your whole life in one place and how narrow it must be, but I have a friend who moved all through his childhood and has refused to move anywhere while his kids have been growing up even though he's not all that happy in his job because he hated moving so much. I think it's often harder for children and teenagers because they know they really have no control over the decision - if the parents say they're staying/going then the kids know they have to stay/go too. They often don't have the ability to express their feelings well and either become angry or will withdraw into themselves, either due to frustration that they feel they're not being listened to or not wanting to worry their parents. All this at a time when they're being expected to take more responsibility for their lives! I believe that giving choices is important so the child/teen doesn't feel completely powerless. That doesn't mean jumping on the first plane home, unless you believe that's the best course of action, but allowing them some control over their lives. It's a bit like a toddler who doesn't want to put their shoes on. Instead of saying 'you have to wear your shoes' and getting into a battle, you say 'would you rather wear the red ones or the blue ones?'. You get what you want, but the child has some control without losing face. You have to think about what's really important to you and then think of choices you can give your child within that decision. They don't have to be expensive options, even choosing what to have for dinner lets them know that their opinion is valued! I don't think telling him to buck his ideas up will help. He's feeling sad and that's as valid an emotion as everyone else's happiness at the move. He needs his sadness to be acknowledged, but then he needs to think about how he can make his life better until the time he can make the decision to return to the UK by himself. That said, I think I'd insist on the USA trip going ahead unless you've already given him the option of backing out. It could be the catalyst for him making friends and settling - being away and having fun is very different from being in school every day. Nine months really isn't a long time and I'm sure he'll settle, but I know how you're feeling. It's horrible seeing your previously very happy, settled child unhappy. However, teenagers are meant to be tricky and more than likely if it wasn't migrating, it'd be something else! Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rossmoyne Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 The attitude of many of the responses on here were that the children should just suck it up. Well I'm sorry, but that that is not really good enough. True, not all adolescent problems are caused by migration, but a great many are magnified by them. My parents migrated for health reasons, and I don't begrudge them that. The move to Sydney wasn't that bad, and young children do adjust well. But the move back to the UK then to perth caused problems. We were at an age where damage was done. My brother saw a child psychologist for quite some time. All my siblings have alcohol and self confidence issues. Telling someone to tell their child to grow up, and just suck it up is a dangerous thing to do. You may come home one day and find your problem at the end of a rope. You did the damage. It's your job to fix it. I think if you read all the posts on this thread properly, you will see that mostly everyone agrees that it is teenage rebellion as much as anything, but also everyone is saying that communications between the parents and child isso important.... even suggesting that a counsellor be involved.... We all agree that you don't just tell a child/teenager to suck it up and get on with it. This might have happened to you and I can imagine that would cause great bitterness and yes even lead to alcohol abuse and mental issues, but this is not what people are advocating here. Therefore my opinion is that your last three sentences are incredibly harsh and unjustified. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johndoe Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 either due to frustration that they feel they're not being listened to or not wanting to worry their parents. Good post other than, IME the last thing that teenagers think about is worrying their parents. Nobody likes to slag their own kids but if we wre to be honest about the majority, and how we were ourselves, the only important things in their life, and ours at their age is "self"..................it isn't intended as deorogatory, but merely an observation of the reality of "growing up" that I have experienced from my own and other kids, and any parent/kid who hasn't experienced that, should be, IME, ready for worse things to come in more mature years..............if they don't experience it as teenagers, then they will experience it later, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.