Is going home the right thing to do?

[Kazz]

We've been in Australia for 7 years, living both in WA and in regional NSW. We've loved it, it was hard initially to get settled in but we have made a nice life for ourselves. But, I've never stopped missing my family for a single day since we left the UK. I thought it would ease, but as my parents age, I feel horrid being so far away and miss them terribly.

 

I've found making friends in Australia much harder than anticipated. We're a sociable couple and have met nice people, but there's a big leap from acquaintance to friend. The friends we have made have been English. I never wanted to be once of those Brits who surrounded myself with English only friends, so this was not by design. I think when amongst folk from home, we just get each other better. But with no family and limited friend network, life here can be very lonely, although it affects me more than my other half.

 

We've been able to afford ourselves a lovely home on a few acres here, so moving back to our busy & crowded old home town would not be an option. We have been spoilt I know, but we do like the space of the country so would want to keep fields & rivers around us if we chose to move back. Unfortunately those areas don't offer the best work prospects.

 

Much as I feel it would make my heart happier to be closer to my loved ones, we have to practical and look at the price of houses and lower earning potential in the UK. If we go back and can't get reasonable jobs, it'll be so tough resettling and it costs such a lot to move across the globe and we can't afford to pingpong.

[blossom]

Personally I don't think so. You would miss your life here then. I think it's a perpetual cycle which many people face. Once you move to one place you miss the other, and if you move back you have the same. A round about.

[Kazz]

Thanks Blossom, that's my biggest worry. I'd hate to go through the upheaval to realise it was the wrong decision. A compromise would be to save as much as possible so I can afford to visit home more often I suppose. Not easy given the ever increasing cost of living in Australia.

[Jacaranda]

Hi Kazz,not sure where you are regionally in NSW,and you've probably already tried this anyway but have you thought about joining some clubs?Google your area and see what comes up?I know what it feels like.You do probably meet loads of people,but no one on a more personal level so you can have a good old tune wag!lol You're probably feeling quite disconnected right?Can understand the parent thing too,I'm in reverse to you in that my Mum is in Oz and I'm in the UK.Not sure if you work Kazz but is there any possibility you could take unpaid leave,stay with your parents and suss things out work/house/area wise?If your unhappiness is just due to feeling lonely and missing parents,as opposed to not liking Oz,you need to really think on a deeper level.if you move back to the UK,like all of us,one day you will lose your parents,and if you don't manage to make friends,you could find yourselves feeling exactly the same.I started off in the burbs of SA,did'nt make a single friend,very lonely time actually.We then sold up and moved up country (small town)and wow my world really changed for the better.Within a week I was invited round for coffee,other social things and those friends are still my friends,even though I returned to the UK.Hope all goes well for you.There are no easy answers.

[Kazz]

Thanks Melza, that certainly gives me more the think about. Yes, my main reason for considering going back is the pull of those family ties. I've been back a couple of times in the past few years, the last time on my own and it was so great to get quality time with them. But moving back is such a big move and not once I can afford to reverse in a hurry if it's the wrong decision. I am going to be joining yoga or pilates classes in the new year and I've just given up work to return to full time study, which will give me the chance to meet more people and hopefully make more friends. You're right, my parents won't be around forever, I guess that's part of it, I hate the thought of only seeing them a handful more times if I can only go back every few years. I try to look at it from every angle, but it's nice to have unbiased opinions, so thank you.

[Quoll]

If you're happy where you are, then stay. The pull of ageing parents requires you to be either very pragmatic or uber flexible I think. I'm back in UK and loving every minute even though we are shacked up with my dementia driven mother and my poor ever patient dad. There were no other options for us at the time - only child and a pair of nonagenarians who want to stay in their own home. I know that part of my increased loathing for Aus towards the end was the knowledge that they were beginning to struggle and there was no one else there (because there is only me!). Even I, the original "hard hearted Hannah" couldn't cope too well with that. Fortunately for us, we are retired so had no need to find work (both of us have been offered jobs though!!) and we live in a lovely village, lots of space, fabulous sense of community and more new friends who have welcomed us with open arms. I think it must be so much easier to cope on the other side of the world from ageing rellies if you have siblings (certainly wouldn't be my choice to live with my mother if I didn't have to!).

 

Good luck with your decision! You can only make the best decision based on the information you have at the time! Nothing is really undo-able if you put your mind to it - just don't burn bridges (ie get citizenship, take career breaks, don't sell the house etc)

[Marisawright]

As I posted on another thread, I think the "leap from acquaintance to friend" is much, much harder when you're older. For most people, their closest friends are people they went to school or uni with. If they have kids, it may be other mums they went through pregnancy with, etc. It's hard to make close friends of people you haven't shared significant experiences with. That's why you've been able to bond better with other Brits.

 

Having lived in Scotland, England, Africa and Australia, I'm beginning to think that's pretty true anywhere. I've been travelling for 40 years and it's the one thing I regret - I lost touch with my school friends and have never managed to replace them with real friendships since.

 

As others have said, it is tough when your aging parents are far away - but if you leave a good life to be with them, when they're gone you'll be stuck in a life you don't like. And as you say, it's likely you won't be able to afford to come back again, so you'll be stuck.

 

Can your parents travel? Could you afford to bring them out for holidays (return fares for Brits are far, far cheaper than for us)? When I lived in Africa, my in-laws came out. My mother-in-law wasn't that mobile but the airline really looked after her - wheelchair waiting for her at the taxi, escorted to the plane, etc etc. She loved it.