Em garwood Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 hi there readers So here goes !! I have been popping on and off this forum for some time now …..and finally got the courage to put myself out there for discussion ha ha. as some have said before me it is a great therapy. My story is quite long if you have the time. Came in 2007 full of excitement and adventure. Never wanted to immigrate before but had a defining moment which led to visa and job applications. Sold the house within 10 days and within 4 months we were here. It happened really quickly and without time to comprehend what laid ahead. My husband has always wanted to come to australia following his youthful backpacking days. I had never been. The biggest reason was the outside lifestyle for my active boys and the whole 'why not' attitude. fortuntately work has never been an issue for us. In fact opportunities have been fruitful.The boys settled in immediately. Me however…..another story. I have been up and down like a yo yo. I genuinley do appreciate australia and what it has to offer. i do love so much about it here. I love my job, my house and the beautiful clear skies. However i have always been homesick for family, friends and just HOME. I have never truly felt like i belong here. We even relocated to a completely different area of perth to try and help me feel more at home. I don't regret the move because i truly do prefer where we live now. This year we went back for a holiday, the first time as family. I have made several visits home on my own. My husband didn't want me or the kids to come back from the holiday. But i couldn't just leave. After all i have commitments here and a whole life. Well 3 months later and i am back to my emotionally unbalanced self. Over the years i have done counselling, medication and the just 'suck it and deal with it' approach. none of which have helped. All these years of emotion have left me unconfident, anxious and exhausted. i used to be a confident vibrant person. My husband doesn't really want to go back but will if it means i will be happier. My youngest son is happy to come back, my eldest son doesn't want to. So i have made the decision to call it quits and go home but i am totally shitting myself. What if it is all rose tinted glasses. What if the dynamics have all changed and we cant pick up where we left of. What if it pulls my family apart. One friend implied that I'm being a bit selfish in wanting to go home. Another completely disagrees. I have been waiting for something to happen to give me a reason to go home ( i.e. ill health or the like) which i know is so wrong. The councillor said i am waiting for the decision to made for me. I am so scared. I made the decision to come here in the first place and all its done is cause me years of emotional turmoil. So you can understand my apprehension about making another huge decision for my family. MY poor husband had been amazingly supportive and I'm not sure how he has put up with my emotional roller coaster. I just wondered if anyone else has had a similar experience. But also i want people who are thinking of coming to realise what a huge decision it is and how hard it is being so far away from loved ones and the security of familiarity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noworriesmate Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Em, I haven't been through what you are going through but I wanted to welcome you to the forum and say thanks for plucking up the courage to post!! NWM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squidgy Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 H, I emigrated 31 years ago with a husband and two children, marriage ended but unable to return because of children. Remarried 1991. I have been homesick for the whole 31 years and it is heart wrenching so I know how you feel. I have been going back nearly every two years since 1991 on my own and just recently every year sometimes twice a year (parents are aged and not well). I have finally plucked up the courage to go back despite grown children and grandchildren but I need to live MY life for me (you only get one chance so when you reach a crossroads and you know in your heart its what you want you need to go for it) Its very hard and emotionally draining but you need to decide and do it (its not healthy for anyone including your family to keep putting it off). I know, I have been living it for years. Good luck with everything and I hope you make the right decision....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squidgy Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 By the way, I love Australia, it's a beautiful country in it's own way and I would never knock it, it's just not for me.......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 My husband didn't want me or the kids to come back from the holiday. But i couldn't just leave. After all i have commitments here and a whole life. Well 3 months later and i am back to my emotionally unbalanced self. Over the years i have done counselling, medication and the just 'suck it and deal with it' approach. none of which have helped. . I must admit I am really puzzled by this paragraph and I have read it a few times but am still puzzled. I suspect it might just be a typo but I thought it worth asking you to clarify what you meant. I hope you didn't mean that your husband didn't want you to return from your holiday in the UK ... :err: So ignoring that, well I think that you gave it a good go when it wasn't your dream. And your marriage seems sound enough that your husband is not throwing a hissy fit and threatening divorce if you stay. It seems like a marriage of equals and at the moment your need is greater. I have always said that it is far more cruel to "force" someone to live overseas when they don't want to, than to "force" another to live in their home country where they were born and bred. You have a loving and supporting husband, there is no reason why you should feel guilty about that. I know that my OH would not want to see me unhappy either and that is because he is a good person. Just like yours. And things won't be exactly as you left them, but that does not mean you wont slot right back in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simmo Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Both countries have their positives and their negatives. I think where-ever you decide to live you need to focus on the positives and if you do come "home" take your time and be sure to pick the right areas ie. not too near or too far from family, school catchment areas, local amenities ect.. small details like this can be what makes your move a success or .. not so much as a success. Good luck with what-ever you decide. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest16631 Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 .....I'll stay until..............the children get older..... ....I'll move when...........I feel stronger...... .....I've saved a bit more.........acquired some more qualification.... ......we've all done it..........coming here ,or anywhere that isn't home.... ......and then back again...... .......because we're ever changing......life is always moving forward..... ......our needs change...... ........the things that .....tied....us to a place have changed or gone...... ........you can only live it and see........ ........your return to where you started.......cannot be the same as when you left....ime.... ........but no reason why you can't slot into place......! .........you have to fullfill your needs....as best you can....... .........while considering your family unit....... ...........so if their happy to give it a go....... ............try it and see......... ............it's not about the country we live in.........it's about how we live in that country.... ............strive for contentment........and happiness will follow..... ............all the best to those moving back......and those coming here...........tink x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Nothing beats belonging in my book and you tend to know if you belong or not. I stuck Australia for 32 years and initially thought it was great, I had a wonderful time, it was an adventure but I always had this weird sense that I didn't belong no matter how well my career was going, how fortunate we were financially, how good it was to live where we did etc. in the beginning it was easy because there was the prospect of escape at some point and I could live with that and regular sanity hits. When my Aussie husband said that he had no intention of ever living in UK again the bars clanged shut (past the point of no return I thought) and what shreds of equanimity I may have had turned quite rapidly into loathing for all the facets that enhanced my feeling of not belonging. Anyway, we all came on holiday to UK for our son's wedding (he'd already emigrated back to UK) and the wheels rapidly fell off the parental wagon so I just never returned to Australia. To say that I am happy is an understatement - I've lost all the weight I put on in Aus and I have a life. My once recalcitrant husband is happy as Larry and even said he only needed 4-5 weeks holiday back in Aus this time (to see his mum) rather than the 3 months he proposed the first year! However - big caution - don't expect to go back to what you had! Everyone will have moved on with their lives as have you. Whilst you may once have had really close connections with folk you may find that you have to work hard to make new connections. A few returnees have interpreted that as that they weren't wanted whereas it was probably more that the holes their departure had left in people's lives had healed over (maybe with a bit of tough scar tissue too) so that they weren't able to slot easily back in. On another totally unrelated board one of my new friends commented that I had been welcomed into their circle with open arms and I have to say that is very true! Wherever I have gone to set up new social connections I have found people to be very welcoming and I am still in touch with old friends and when we do get together it's as if there have been no years of separation and the conversation keeps flowing. Will it be right for you? Who knows? I'd suggest a belt and braces approach same as I do for folk moving in the opposite direction (take a career break, rent out the house etc) and suck it and see. Good luck! And kudos to your DH, he sounds like a keeper! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Em garwood Posted December 1, 2013 Author Share Posted December 1, 2013 thank you all for all your valued opinions. It has really helped. It has made me realise there is no way on earth that i am staying here for 31 years feeling unhappy. Its brilliant to have advice from people who have experienced this situation. So onwards and home for me. Tomorrow is monday. Flights will be booked and dog transportation will be organised lol. Feeling better already x and yeah my husband is a keeper :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doubter Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 hi there readers So here goes !! I have been popping on and off this forum for some time now …..and finally got the courage to put myself out there for discussion ha ha. as some have said before me it is a great therapy. My story is quite long if you have the time. Came in 2007 full of excitement and adventure. Never wanted to immigrate before but had a defining moment which led to visa and job applications. Sold the house within 10 days and within 4 months we were here. It happened really quickly and without time to comprehend what laid ahead. My husband has always wanted to come to australia following his youthful backpacking days. I had never been. The biggest reason was the outside lifestyle for my active boys and the whole 'why not' attitude. fortuntately work has never been an issue for us. In fact opportunities have been fruitful.The boys settled in immediately. Me however…..another story. I have been up and down like a yo yo. I genuinley do appreciate australia and what it has to offer. i do love so much about it here. I love my job, my house and the beautiful clear skies. However i have always been homesick for family, friends and just HOME. I have never truly felt like i belong here. We even relocated to a completely different area of perth to try and help me feel more at home. I don't regret the move because i truly do prefer where we live now. This year we went back for a holiday, the first time as family. I have made several visits home on my own. My husband didn't want me or the kids to come back from the holiday. But i couldn't just leave. After all i have commitments here and a whole life. Well 3 months later and i am back to my emotionally unbalanced self. Over the years i have done counselling, medication and the just 'suck it and deal with it' approach. none of which have helped. All these years of emotion have left me unconfident, anxious and exhausted. i used to be a confident vibrant person. My husband doesn't really want to go back but will if it means i will be happier. My youngest son is happy to come back, my eldest son doesn't want to. So i have made the decision to call it quits and go home but i am totally shitting myself. What if it is all rose tinted glasses. What if the dynamics have all changed and we cant pick up where we left of. What if it pulls my family apart. One friend implied that I'm being a bit selfish in wanting to go home. Another completely disagrees. I have been waiting for something to happen to give me a reason to go home ( i.e. ill health or the like) which i know is so wrong. The councillor said i am waiting for the decision to made for me. I am so scared. I made the decision to come here in the first place and all its done is cause me years of emotional turmoil. So you can understand my apprehension about making another huge decision for my family. MY poor husband had been amazingly supportive and I'm not sure how he has put up with my emotional roller coaster. I just wondered if anyone else has had a similar experience. But also i want people who are thinking of coming to realise what a huge decision it is and how hard it is being so far away from loved ones and the security of familiarity. Simmo was correct, both countrys have positives and negatives and when you yearn for what you had and think you need you tend to think of the positives only. I felt like you at the time and the feelings were so strong I made arrangements to come back and lucky for me my wife supported me in this decision as she did when we first migrated, even though she was happy to stay. I was only in OZ for a short time and you have been there since 2007 so you are in a better position to know what you want. Good luck with it all and it sounds like you have a supportive husband. What I will say is that since I came back in 2010 the first year was great as there was so much to do and sort out but that novelty soon wears off. Its like a good holiday, after so long you a ready for home. All those feelings I had to go home to the UK I now have most days wanting to go back to OZ. Thats why people ping back and fore I suppose and thats always an option for you if you ever wanted too, as I want too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caramac Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 You've had great advice from everyone already, so I won't repeat it, but I think you're right be concerned that you won't just slot back into life here. You might, but it's good to be prepared for a bit of reverse culture shock! You've had an experience that most others haven't and mostly aren't all that interested in. I found that people just wanted me to pick up where I left off and I found that hard (I wasn't desperate to come home like you are though). I wanted to talk about what I'd done - it had been four years of my life after all, and they wanted me to hear about what I'd missed being away, but weren't at all curious about what we'd been up to. It was a strange time and I found it very difficult. However, after a while our lives came together more and I also made new friends who I now have a shared history with. You may not experience any problems being back at all, and may well just be relieved to put it all behind you, but it can be a confusing time when you compare your life 'now' with what you've left behind. Just be prepared for it - I think it's quite normal! good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasepom Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 I'm not going to bag your decision one way or the other, just think very carefully what you are going back to as your level of comfort and lifestyle will have changed considerably from living in Australia, and this can mean extreme reverse culture shock. I suffered this and continue to suffer the effects from going back to UK in 2013. I really could not anticipate how horrible I felt when I realised what I had given up in Australia. The Australia dream may not be for everyone, but it is easy to get sucked into feelings of not belonging somewhere, and this can lead people to make very irrational decisions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emmab1995 Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 so jasepom how long did you live in aus for ?? and where abouts are you in the uk , as we are going to move back but we have 2 yrs yet .... but i'd like to know your thoughts on the uk xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jen85 Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 You'll never know whats best its just what is right for you at the time and your health is the most important as without that you are no good to anyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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