Still want to go back home ...

[Stovies]

A few months ago I was on here saying that we had finally made the decision to go back home to Scotland (we've been here over 11 years). Then I was on here saying, no, we have done a U-turn and are going to stay. However, a few months down the line, I find I still feel so miserable at being away from Scotland. We decided to stay here because of my husband's job and the kids are settled, blah, blah. What a dilemma. I wish we had just ran with it when we first made the 'final' decision to go home. I wish we hadn't backpeddled.

 

I just do not know what to do for the best. Any psychics out there?

 

:sad:

[docboat]

Try a holiday first. And consider the kids over your own desires. These are the thoughts I would be thinking straight off the bat.

[Stovies]

Thanks Docboat. I was over in May/June this year and loved it. After consideration, we did put the kids needs over and above our own and that is when we made the decision to stay in Australia after all. However, I am still finding it very difficult to the point of feeling as if I am getting depressed. I know there is no easy answer and that I probably will have to just get on with things here rather than uprooting everyone.

[Guest The Pom Queen]

How old are your children? If they are young then it is not going to do too much damage to their education if you do go back.

As docboat said, it may be a good idea to go back for a holiday and see how you feel.

Good luck and remember you have to do what is right for you and your family, it is no good staying in a place if you are unhappy.

Hugs

Kate

[Stovies]

Kate, the children are 13, 11 and 9. The 13 year old and 9 year old (both girls) both have Asperger's Syndrome and are often away from school. There's not much education going on with my 13 year old (yesterday they watched Toy Story 3 at school!) but they have formed some friendships (and for Aspie kids that is a big thing) that I don't know how it things would be in Scotland for them. We have absolutely no friends here or family but in Scotland we have plenty of family and I am still in touch with my old friends. The support over there would be very good. But ....

[docboat]

Thanks Docboat. I was over in May/June this year and loved it. After consideration, we did put the kids needs over and above our own and that is when we made the decision to stay in Australia after all. However, I am still finding it very difficult to the point of feeling as if I am getting depressed. I know there is no easy answer and that I probably will have to just get on with things here rather than uprooting everyone.

 

mmm .... I would need to focus on the emotions, and see where I wanted to be in life which, if it were not Scotland (imagine Lanark in February .....) and had to be Australia, would set me to thinking what I need to do to get where I want to be emotionally. I could imagine the stresses of doing everything in a social vacuum would be immense. But you have been here 11 years and have no friends? My thoughts - and these are of course purely personal - would be to develop an area of interest, volunteering, hobbies, business - something that stimulates me. I suspect that a return to a circle of friends (and even family) after 11 years would make you feel isolated again, perhaps even worse, as we have all moved on in a new direction, and the old relationships under the surface willhave changed fundamentally. Good for a visit, but recreating?

 

I returned to Australia and found my old social network, and we are working on slowly recreating that. But it will never be the same. New, good, but different.

 

Good luck to you!

[Quoll]

Go home. Happy parents make for happier kids. From all reports, kids with Aspergers get a better deal in UK than in Aus but I guess that depends somewhat on the state/county. I reckon the family/friend support network is worth a mint.

[Stovies]

Thanks again Docboat. When I say I have no friends, I should perhaps have said I have a few aquaintances but no real friends here. I realise that going back to family and old friends would not mean me seamlessly slipping back into my old spot in their lives, nor they into mine. But, we have a history there that can be built on and familiarity and feeling like one belongs is a firmer foundation to start a 'new' life back home than a feeling of not belonging, even after 11 years of trying with the things you suggest, volunteering, hobbies, trying to fit in with the mum's at the school gate..... it's just like fitting a square peg into a round hole.

 

My husband and I talked again last night about things and we are going to give it some serious thought after our planned holiday to Queensland in April. I think the possible light at the end of the tunnel has brought me out of the darkness a little!!

 

Who knows what time will bring but at least the discussion is back on the table.

[Guest guest36762]

Try a holiday first. And consider the kids over your own desires. These are the thoughts I would be thinking straight off the bat.

 

Hi docboat

nonsense!

meant in the nicest possible way

Dom:wink:

[Stovies]

harpodom, that sentence confused me too.... especially while docboat's signature, in red, is There is nothing more important than that you be happy ....

[Guest guest36762]

harpodom, that sentence confused me too.... especially while docboat's signature, in red, is There is nothing more important than that you be happy ....

 

I'm sure docboat means well, but I suspect he's from the 'tough love' school of thought.

hopefully he'll be along soon to clarify.

do you think you'll easily slot back in to your old life? 11 years is a long time, and people move on to a certain extent. I'm not being critical, more just checking that you've considered everything.

a PIO friend recently returned home after 2 years and is having great difficulty finding work, accommodation, his Aussie partner is really unhappy and they've decided they're coming back to Oz (after less than 6 months!)

Make sure what you're going back to is indeed better

[Stovies]

Yes, and docboat, you have given me lots to think about, so please don't take my comment above as a criticism, it was merely an observation.

[Petals]

You are in a hard situation. Happy parents do not always make happy children, unfortunately parents do not know what their children really think a lot of the time. Not any fault of the parents, its just that children do not tell and they want to please their parents so go along with things.

 

My brother and I both had difficult childhoods from our point of view but lovely ones from our parents point of view. Moving around the world.

 

It would be so nice if we could just jump in the Tardis, check it all out see how things pan out and know the future.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide. If you are feeling depressed please get some help, do not wait till it gets bad, I did and its not a piece of cake.

[Stovies]

I should add into the mix my two older daughters (from a previous marriage) and their two baby sons. They are back in Scotland after having lived over here for a few years but decided to go back (they didn't have the babies at the time!). So, I also have those daughters and my two grandsons to go back to. Another relevant factor is that my sister (whom I am closest to) has recently been diagnosed, and operated on for thyroid cancer. There are many things that I am taking into account that I obviously can't list here. Everyone's situation is unique.

 

Petals, I know how it can be bringing children to a different country and them being miserable.. this is a big dilemma for me. I brought my older girls over here when they were 15 and 16, they wanted to go back, and did. My Aussie 'batch' of children know nothing else but Australia. Are they still young enough to be able to start again in Scotland. Another thing to take into consideration is that the older girls who went back, had a father and all the relatives to go back to. We have no-one here. Just more food for thought.

[Petals]

Very very hard for you and especially with half a family in one country and half in another.

 

I think I would probably go back in your shoes and see how things panned out.

 

I would write two columns for and against and see which one has the most ticks. I believe it will probably be go home.

 

You can always come back as you are residents and so will your children be able to.

[docboat]

Hi docboat

nonsense!

meant in the nicest possible way

Dom:wink:

I think you missed out on the second part of this: these are the thoughts that I would be thinking.

 

You asked about the signature? It comes from a long thought process, with acknowledgement to Esther Hicks and the series of books regarding the "Law of Attraction". Many people might have issues with the series, but I have found them exceptionally enlightening. I can heartily recommend them to anybody who has struggled with the problems which beset us on a regular basis - partnerships, finances, health etc etc. But they are most definitely not books which appeal to everyone, and they are not to be read lightly as a quick read followed by a cure. But you did ask :wink:

 

Why would I be putting the children first if (as I believe) the main psychological backbone of a family is the relationship between the parents, and if it is the individual (The OP) whose happiness is paramount? Because I think parents have a duty of care to ensure that the BEST is given to their offspring according to the available means. Also because adults are better able to have insight into issues, and adapt their own needs and desires - a growing child, especially if reaching a point of hormonal <ahem> challenges will be less adaptable.

 

That being said, it happened to me as a youth, but we had agreed as a family, we were united in the needs of our parents being met (it was a tough time for them) and so it was a happy decision. When it was first broached by our parents, all three of us kids were deeply opposed to the move to the UK. Given the free choice, we would not have done it ... but after a year or less we saw the needs of our parents, and that became our plan.

 

Bottom line though, as others have said - it is a difficult decision. Glad to hear that there is some light at the end of the tunnel!

[Guest guest36762]

I think you missed out on the second part of this: these are the thoughts that I would be thinking.

 

You asked about the signature? It comes from a long thought process, with acknowledgement to Esther Hicks and the series of books regarding the "Law of Attraction". Many people might have issues with the series, but I have found them exceptionally enlightening. I can heartily recommend them to anybody who has struggled with the problems which beset us on a regular basis - partnerships, finances, health etc etc. But they are most definitely not books which appeal to everyone, and they are not to be read lightly as a quick read followed by a cure. But you did ask :wink:

 

Why would I be putting the children first if (as I believe) the main psychological backbone of a family is the relationship between the parents, and if it is the individual (The OP) whose happiness is paramount? Because I think parents have a duty of care to ensure that the BEST is given to their offspring according to the available means. Also because adults are better able to have insight into issues, and adapt their own needs and desires - a growing child, especially if reaching a point of hormonal <ahem> challenges will be less adaptable.

 

That being said, it happened to me as a youth, but we had agreed as a family, we were united in the needs of our parents being met (it was a tough time for them) and so it was a happy decision. When it was first broached by our parents, all three of us kids were deeply opposed to the move to the UK. Given the free choice, we would not have done it ... but after a year or less we saw the needs of our parents, and that became our plan.

 

Bottom line though, as others have said - it is a difficult decision. Glad to hear that there is some light at the end of the tunnel!

 

tough love indeed:yes::wink:

[Guest guest22466]

Kate, the children are 13, 11 and 9. The 13 year old and 9 year old (both girls) both have Asperger's Syndrome and are often away from school. There's not much education going on with my 13 year old (yesterday they watched Toy Story 3 at school!) but they have formed some friendships (and for Aspie kids that is a big thing) that I don't know how it things would be in Scotland for them. We have absolutely no friends here or family but in Scotland we have plenty of family and I am still in touch with my old friends. The support over there would be very good. But ....

 

Hi Stovies...Just my thoughts ....I think your children will be happy where ever their parents are happy.....You having a lack of family and friends here is hard for you I know. Your children will adapt and form new friendships as they do when they move from primary to high school. Best to move back home while the children are younger then they can form new friends who that they may keep into their older years. If you stay any longer you will be in a position where the choice CAN be taken away from you as your children may be working, engaged, married, grandchildren etc and it would be harder for you returning home without your complete family years down the track...only talking through experience...it can be a lonely old life here for some here on their own. Who is to say your children will not always live in Australia for their adult life anyway ????? Now is your chance to change the track of your family life.

 

If I had the choice I would be back in the UK with my son today but that choice has been taken away due to a divorce and the fathers right to see his son. So if I was in your shoes I would be looking at what life would be like in OZ if you knew you was never able to return home...thats life without your family and friends. I think your children will survive in which ever country you are the most happiest in as parents. Wishing you all the best in which ever path you take.

[sykestykes]

Stovies, your two eldest are a similar age to the ages mine were when they came to Oz - my daughter had just turned 11 and my son was a couple of weeks away from his 13th birthday (we had a very small party for him that year - just the 4 of us!) England was all they had ever known and yet it really surprised me how easily they settled away from everything they knew. As far as I know, Aspergers is well-supported in schools in the UK (two of my friends are specialist learning support assistants there, and they're always being put forward for further training, so it seems to be taken very seriously).

 

I think it gets harder to move children as they move further into their mid-teens though so you may want to think about making the move sooner rather than later if that is what you decide.

 

They have proved they can made friends at school and if you think they'll cope okay with the move, I don't think they're too old to move them back if that is the right thing for you as a family. No one could tell you that you haven't given it your best shot after 11 years and if your homeland is calling you louder and louder as the years roll by, maybe now is the time to answer that call.

 

All the very best

 

Sue xx

[Guest guest22466]

It is interesting reading everyones ideas and lives here in Australia and how some people come for a better life and it still all that they had wished for .... yet for some people for what ever reasons home is where the heart is and maybe then to go back home looking at the life they had in the UK in a different light. We are all so different and different things appeal to different people well thats what PIO has taught me over the years.....

[Stovies]

Pommyoz, your post brought a tear to my eye. Your thoughts support my thoughts! I really have the feeling that this is make or break time. Things can't go on as they are. It is true, if we leave it any longer we will be in a postion of not really having the option to move due to the reasons you said. I am so sorry that you are in the position you are in. Thank you for reminding me (and warning me) of how things could be if we leave it too long.

 

Sue, thank you for your post too. All the things you say makes sense. Funnily enough, my neice is also a specialist learning support assistant at a school in the area we would be looking at moving too! I didn't really realise the importance (and significance) of this until lately. Thank you again.

 

Our latest thoughts are that we sell our place here (was going to do that anyway as 8 acres is just getting too much!), husband stays on at his job here while renting somewhere. Myself and the children go over to Scotland in say, 6 months time, and live with/beside my sister (her suggestion, she has a lovely place in the country near other family). We give ourselves a timescale of, say, 3/4 months to see how the children settle and how they cope with school and the general change. All goes well, husband comes over and he looks for a job in Scotland. All goes pear-shaped, myself and the children come back here and we buy another house near their school and take up where we left off.

 

How does that sound?

 

Thanks for listening.

[Guest guest22466]

Pommyoz, your post brought a tear to my eye. Your thoughts support my thoughts! I really have the feeling that this is make or break time. Things can't go on as they are. It is true, if we leave it any longer we will be in a postion of not really having the option to move due to the reasons you said. I am so sorry that you are in the position you are in. Thank you for reminding me (and warning me) of how things could be if we leave it too long.

 

Sue, thank you for your post too. All the things you say makes sense. Funnily enough, my neice is also a specialist learning support assistant at a school in the area we would be looking at moving too! I didn't really realise the importance (and significance) of this until lately. Thank you again.

 

Our latest thoughts are that we sell our place here (was going to do that anyway as 8 acres is just getting too much!), husband stays on at his job here while renting somewhere. Myself and the children go over to Scotland in say, 6 months time, and live with/beside my sister (her suggestion, she has a lovely place in the country near other family). We give ourselves a timescale of, say, 3/4 months to see how the children settle and how they cope with school and the general change. All goes well, husband comes over and he looks for a job in Scotland. All goes pear-shaped, myself and the children come back here and we buy another house near their school and take up where we left off.

 

How does that sound?

 

Thanks for listening.

 

I think it sounds great ....(can i come with you :biggrin: lol)....Well you seem like you have made a plan and really after 11 years no one can say you have not given it a go. Ive been here for 9 Years and I know too how I feel. If you dont try you will never know and that is also in regards to coming to live in Australia or going to live back home. At least you have an option which is something to take advantage of right now.

 

I wish you all the best and if your happy ....your children will be happy....

 

xx

[Stovies]

Ha ha Pommyoz, I have no objections to a couple of stowaways!

 

Thanks again!

[Guest chris955]

We have been in Brisbane almost 11 years now so we are in a similar situation, although I grew up in Victoria we have only been up here for 11 years. Our move is actually for our kids as we feel that because of their interests the UK will be better for them. My wife has never wanted to live here so has jumped at the chance to move home and I love it there also so it's not a problem for any of us.

My thoughts are go for it, as Quoll said happy parents make happy kids.

[Stovies]

Thanks Chris955, you're input is very much appreciated. I am really bouyed by your attitude! I think I will just 'go for it'! Sometimes we make things so complicated for ourselves (speaking from my own perspective!). Thanks again and best of luck to you and your family. : )