Really confused.....oh dear, it's going to be a hard decision!

[kaztin]

We have been here for over 4 years now, have citizenship and have been generally happy. We are both in our 40’s, no kids, 2 dogs, but no family out here. I think I am having the biggest ever bout of home sickness! It has really got worse since I booked my flights for a UK trip next year. I know that I shouldn’t have left it this long. I won’t have seen my Mum (87yrs old) for 4 years by then. I did a quick trip back in 2007 (a year after being here, but I was fine then). It suddenly occurred to me that I can’t bear not living in the same country as my family and my dear friends. When we emigrated we were so full of us, us, us, and I don’t think I ever really thought of the impact on my family or friends or indeed the 2 of us. I think emigrating can be a rather selfish act, and although at the time it seemed such the right thing to do, in recent months I am having serious doubts.

This is serious 4 year wobbles!

The reality is that I miss good old England. I am English, very proud of it, and there is so much I miss!

Also we are alone out here. We have no support, just each other. We have a great marriage, but we don’t have anyone else and this has been really hard at times. Of course we have friendships, but it’s really not the same as the ones I left back in the UK.

We are stuck here for the next 3 years....hubby joined the Aussie army....that’s another story J

After that, well, who knows?

At this point I very much want to move back to the UK. As you get older it makes it all the more important to be near family and friends. I don’t want to end up here as an old woman with no-one, stuck in aged care, rotting away, alone (assuming my hubby has gone first!!)

I have spoken to hubby a bit about this. He doesn’t want to come back, but I know he really misses his family, and mates. He hasn’t really made any friends here and as such, relies heavily on me. I feel I am missing out on years together with everyone back in the UK and of course my Mum is getting old – thankfully she is in good health. My nieces are becoming young woman, and I’m not there. My hubby will do anything that makes me happy, but I hope that he will see my thoughts for what they are – a confused turmoil! England is still the best country in the world, despite all its problems and we should be proud. Australia is a great place, but lacks something for me, and this is so hard. I can’t honestly say what will happen in 3 yrs time. I have to see how I will feel next year when go back home, firstly, then go from there. But it’s hard to ignore my feelings, as they are pretty strong. In the meanwhile I am going to make the most of being here. After all, we are citizens so will always be able to come and go freely J we have a good life, good jobs and there are fun times to be had.

I will see how things pan out next year, I will try and be positive and not wish my life away.

So we shall see, but I wanted to share these thoughts with you on this forum.

I am not knocking Australia in any way, but these feelings have been getting stronger, when I thought I had adjusted really well here.

Oh god, it’s bloody hard isn’t it? :unsure:

Cheers, Karen

[DannyCoyles]

Hi Karen

 

You do seem to be really confused and I can see where you are coming from. We are only here just over 2 years but have family here and family of our own. I never thought of emigrating as a selfish act. I am the youngest in my family and we all moved here at different times, I was the last to move and never once thought they were selfish for doing so.

 

I dont think I will ever make the same friends here as I had at home, I went to primary school with them, stayed over at their houses growing up and know their parents well. You cant replace those years but you can still make new friends. I know I have family here but I cant talk to them about the sorts of things I would have my friends. We have only recently made some new friends by moving to a new development and finding people in the same position as us and a Scottish couple that we met through our sons music class that we spent the day with last weekend, it really takes a lot of effort to build a friendship and its a long process.

 

As for being proud to be English, you should be, i am half English but born in Ireland so I am a proud Irish man. The seaside town i grew up in is the nicest place in the world according to the memories I have of being there! not sure it would be as good if I was there, i did decide to leave it after all, but it was a hard decision. I think once you have moved here and live for a while you cross a line (and a hell of a lot of miles) where things will never be the same again.

 

Position I am in is:

Do I wish none of my family every seen Australia? Yes. Would I leave Australia? No.

Might sound strange but thats how it feels at the minute, we would all probably be quite happy living in Ireland now and going to Europe for holidays etc with everyone in one place, but we cant go back to that situation. If we didnt know what was here we wouldnt have a decision to make, that what makes it so bloody hard!

 

Not sure if this will help at all but there is no easy answer.

[BuddysMum]

You do sound very homesick. I wonder if you feel you can leave the decision until after your visit home?

 

One think I have heard on this site, is that when we move away we imagine that our "space" in our family and friends' lives will stay as it was. Unfortunately the reality seems to be that however much they might miss us, for many of them, they just move on and it may not ever be as it once was. Obviously for direct family it will, but for friends - maybe not so much.

 

Anyway, I haven't come to give advice as I haven't been through what you are feeling and I believe that no-one can make the decision but you anyway. But this jumped out at me:

 

. When we emigrated we were so full of us, us, us, and I don’t think I ever really thought of the impact on my family or friends or indeed the 2 of us. I think emigrating can be a rather selfish act, and although at the time it seemed such the right thing to do, in recent months I am having serious doubts.

 

 

and I just wanted to say that although I do understand what you mean, I don't believe that it is anything to beat yourself up about. If we lived our lives to please others then no change would ever take place. It isn't selfish to move on and do new things. It really isn't.

 

This is one thing we thought long and hard about before we moved as OH is an only child and his parents are in their 80s. And what follows is a short version of our thought processes as we came to our decision.

 

Originally we were not planning to move over here until they were no longer around...then we realised that we were really just waiting for them to die and realised that none of us liked that very much. We were forced to look at what parenting is all about - and it's all to do with raising children to be independent adults.

 

Also when a marriage takes place, we leave our parents and make our family with our spouse. Obviously you keep contact, but the relationship with parents becomes the secondary relationship, if you see what I mean.

 

We are parents and we realised that we would be horrified if Ben told us that his dream was to move far away but that he didn't want to leave us on our own. So, we realised that as hard as it would be for Steve's parents to wave us off, they would have hated us to either wait around for them to die, or not go for fear of upsetting them.

 

 

So...in short...I honestly do not think emigration is selfish. It IS exciting though and that's probably why you feel bad about the "us us us" stuff.

 

 

Phew, that was long.

 

I am not saying that you shouldn't go back if you are unhappy here, I am just saying please don't let guilt be your reason for doing so.:wubclub:

[Quoll]

I would venture to disagree here, I do think that you have to be very selfish and very self sufficient in order to be a long term successful migrant. To be able to wear a smile and do it all yourself when things are happening to the people you love on the other side of the world but you dont have the capacity to do anything about it. I am not saying that is a bad thing either but it does stop you from being guilted by people who may wish you had done something else.

 

I think you have touched on the one thing which does impact when you get older, especially if you dont have a swag of kids around. It will be you and him against the world and in a community which probably couldnt give a toss about you as individuals. That, for me is one of the key features of being in the wrong place - the superficiality of community - even though I have inlaws just a 10 hr drive away. We wouldnt be calling on them, lovely people as they are. I know I am not the only one to feel this way - one of my work colleagues now 67 found herself widowed a few years ago and is on her own here with only "friends" and she really feels the distance from her sisters (UK and Spain) and at the moment is healthy and wealthy enough to go and visit them but there will come a time when she will be here on her own and she isnt really looking forward to it. You can only rely on "friends" for so long.

 

Go to UK and check it out, if the mellow lushness is what you need then go for it. As it is, you only have 3 years that you have to be here and that is quite do-able when you know that there is an end point in sight.

[kaztin]

Thanks to all who replied to me....I really appreciate all your comments and thoughts. I phoned my 2 best friends this w/e and had a real heart to heart. I am so lucky to have them both. They were wonderful, both saying of course they would like me back, but to really think hard about it. Both mentioned the state of the UK economy, and both are posed to lose their jobs and are really worried about the future. I'm a nurse, so know I would get work, but hubby may struggle should we return. We obviously cannot do anything for 3 yrs, so that's a good thing I reckon. Gives me time to give it some balanced thinking and look forward to my trip next year to see Mum in June. Who knows what the UK will be like in 3 years time, or what we will want for our lives then, or indeed, what Aus may become....that is the beauty of life, ever changing.

Thanks again, the support was really nice. It is hard being in this mindset right now, I haven't felt like this in the 4 years we have been here so it has shaken me up somewhat. But the sun is shining and I am going to enjoy each day There are many folk much worse off than me.

Cheers, Karen

[ausdreamer]

Kaztin....everything you have said is so heartfelt....

 

I can only say that you could go home and be with your good friends and catch up with family and be with your dear old mum. However, people will move on at home one day and you could end up alone there. People retire and might move or pass away (god forbid) they will not stay for you, everyone gets on with their own lives. Nieces/nephews will leave home, uncle, Aunties, mums and dads will eventually pass.

 

Don't worry too much about what's in the future, as you have plenty of time to get there. If you do have a support network back in uk, you could always retire there maybe?....Or, go back for a while and see how you feel in a few years!

 

You and your hubby could be fit and well in another 30/40 years and you could have some great long term friends by then....

 

I think the hardest thing is your mum, so just get to see her as much as you can. If you are lucky enough to afford trips back to the Uk, you will probably find that you will spend more quality time with your loved ones. You might realise that you could be possibly seeing them more in one visit, than you would if you lived round the corner to them!