Guest donnarose Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Hi, i would like to ask some questions as i dont know who else to ask. i am from the uk and been here 10 mths with my husband and three children. i have not settled one bit and things are bad between me and my husband and its not helped being in a new country and i have been really stressed since arriving. i keep thinking about returning to the uk but i have no home back there and dont want to go to my parents house as i dont think it would be the right thing to do and im not that close to them. im thinking if i would be able to get somewhere to live with my three children if things get so bad that i dont want my husband living with me. who would i have to contact to see about housing back there, and would they even give me somewhere to live? I would be grateful for any replies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest snow white Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 sorry i cannot help you i dont know what the situation would be after youve left the uk for such a long period of time im sure you can even claim benefits for a certain time on returning so doubt you would go on housing waiting lists i hope things work out for you and your family lesley x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nikkichap Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 If things are that bad then maybe moving in with your parents until you get back on your feet is your option. I'm sorry things are not good for you at the moment. Are you just not getting on with your husband or do you not like living in Australia? Would he consider moving back with you knowing how unhappy you are? It's a difficult situation to be in and although I can't give you much help regarding benifits/housing I do hope you get the answers to your questions. Best of luck. X People who move back sometimes have to move in with relatives for a while. I am one of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 So sorry to hear that it isnt working out quite the way you had planned. How would he feel about you taking his kids back to UK? The reason I ask is that Aus courts will usually not allow it if one parent doesnt like the idea and even though you are all UK citizens, you are currently resident in Aus. A good first step would be to talk to a counsellor about the feelings you are having and to tease out what is Australia related and what is marriage related. Being isolated from your long time friends and family makes marriage problems so much harder to handle - makes any big problems much harder to handle IMHO. I agree that it may be worth your while to swallow your pride and seek help from either friends or family back home - sometimes they can be an amazing support when you need them. You may have to bunk in with someone for a little while until you can get back on your feet though. Meanwhile have some :hug: because it must be a really difficult time for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest donnarose Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 If things are that bad then maybe moving in with your parents until you get back on your feet is your option. I'm sorry things are not good for you at the moment. Are you just not getting on with your husband or do you not like living in Australia? Would he consider moving back with you knowing how unhappy you are? It's a difficult situation to be in and although I can't give you much help regarding benifits/housing I do hope you get the answers to your questions. Best of luck. X People who move back sometimes have to move in with relatives for a while. I am one of them. HI and thankyou for replying. my husband would be returning with me because he wouldn't leave his children. I do like it here and i dont if that makes sense. im in sydney and didnt expect it to be so busy also the area were we are living as only one australian and the rest are from china, spain, italy etc so i feel we dont fit in. Things seem worst with my husband and more than ive felt in a long time, i know its because of the move but i let the stress get to me while he copes better with it, and also i think its because we didn't bring anything with us except our suitcases and the house is so bare. I dont really want to move in with my parents because i dont get on with them and i dont bother with my sisters or brothers. Can i ask how long you wre here for and were you lives etc, why did you return? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Have you thought about going to see a councellor together? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nikkichap Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Donnarose, Moving is a very stressfull time and its normal to feel stressed. A lot of mariages have one person who deals with stress very well and one that doesn't. My OH is very calm and copes very well. I tend to lay my cards on the table. Because I tried to hide my unhappiness I took the smallest things out on my OH. It started to affect our relationship. I got to the stage where I couldn't keep it to my self anymore and one day my feelings all came out. He too was unhappy living here but I would never have known. After lots of tears it was decided that we should return to the UK. My situation is that I'm returning with my 2 boys in May and OH is returning in October. I am having to go and stay with my MIL! It's not an ideal situation but I'd rather go and stay with her then stay here for another 6 months and it possibly ruin our marriage. I've only been here for 6 months! Could you move to a different part of Sydney so that you don't feel so Isolated. I know what it's like to feel lonely. I don't have one single friend here. I've tried and tried but nothing. People say "hi" but thats it. Loneliness is one of the main reasons I'm going home. We can't move as we are on a sponsored visa. It would be better for you to return as a family and then reassess the situation (marriage) 6 months down the line. You may realise that it isn't your marriage in trouble but homesickness that you were feeling. If your marriage was fine before you came to OZ then going home could get it back on track. Nikki X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest woz Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 I have been in Oz for 5 months now with my 2 children. Whilst I have managed to secure a job, rent a property and get my kids into school and kinder, I find that I am seriously considering moving back to the u.k, loneliness being the key issue. I have made no friends and this is a huge battle for me at present. My kids have made friends at school and kinder and I was hoping to make some connections there too, but I rarely see other parents as I am always collecting kids after 5.30 from after/childcare and flying around. I have reached out to single parent groups, but for some perculiar reason the majority of these are on the east side of town whereas I am on the west. I realise that coming to Oz was going to be a challenge, but I was not prepared for this total isolation I am experiencing. Will consider my options carefully and good luck to all those with similar dillemas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nikkichap Posted March 21, 2009 Share Posted March 21, 2009 I have been in Oz for 5 months now with my 2 children. Whilst I have managed to secure a job, rent a property and get my kids into school and kinder, I find that I am seriously considering moving back to the u.k, loneliness being the key issue. I have made no friends and this is a huge battle for me at present. My kids have made friends at school and kinder and I was hoping to make some connections there too, but I rarely see other parents as I am always collecting kids after 5.30 from after/childcare and flying around. I have reached out to single parent groups, but for some perculiar reason the majority of these are on the east side of town whereas I am on the west. I realise that coming to Oz was going to be a challenge, but I was not prepared for this total isolation I am experiencing. Will consider my options carefully and good luck to all those with similar dillemas. I can totally relate to the feelings of isolation and loneliness. It's such a horrible way to feel.:sad: I've tried hard to make friends, gave out my number to other mums that i've met when taking the kids to parties, tried to get a job, offered to help out in the school, even when I take my boys to after school clubs the other mums don't want to know. :arghh:I feel like I'm not living just existing. After 6 months I just can't do it anymore. I've got 7 weeks to go before I go home and it can't come quick enough. Today is my birthday and I am feel really lonely. Yes I have my OH and boys but getting email "Happy Birthday" isn't the same. Nikki Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Stan Angus Posted March 21, 2009 Share Posted March 21, 2009 Don't do it,, don't move back,, I know people that have gone back and in two years have come back here, they could not settle back in UK. Save the marrage , try for another 18 months, get out with your family and live life to the full, your future is a lot brighter here in OZ,, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Stan Angus Posted March 21, 2009 Share Posted March 21, 2009 Move to Queensland and live in paradice you will be a lot happier,,,, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted March 21, 2009 Share Posted March 21, 2009 Its hard to migrate and think about it its not easy making friends. We just don't buy them at the supermarket. It takes time to jell with people. Even moving to a new town is stressful and new friends have to be made. If people from work ask you out make sure you get a baby sitter and go. Accept every invitation. Have lunch with someone you like from work. Little tiny steps lead to big ones in the friendship stakes. Take this time to get to know yourself. Often we rely on friendships family and we really don't know who we are. We are all going to be lonely sometime in life and we need to get used to being on our own and amusing ourselves. There is nothing wrong with you me or anyone else being on our own and going to the movies etc. In fact going to the movies I prefer to go alone as what do you do you watch the movie and go home. Make the most of the situation you have live every day of your life and be happy, take the children out and about, get a dog, dogs are great friend finders. After my Dad died my mum came to live in Melbourne and did not have any friends but she had a little dog she used to walk him every afternoon well she soon made friends with others that way. Good luck do not give up easily there are friends just waiting for you but you just have to find the right ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest donnarose Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 Don't do it,, don't move back,, I know people that have gone back and in two years have come back here, they could not settle back in UK. Save the marrage , try for another 18 months, get out with your family and live life to the full, your future is a lot brighter here in OZ,, Thanks stan angus, Yes i do have mixed feelings about going back and 10 months is not long enough to decide yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest donovan Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 Hiya the only advice I could give you is to maybe get in contact with the citizens advice Citizens Advice website they may either be able to help you or at least point you in the right direction Good luck Sarah x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest kimbo67 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Hi just like to say that I'm in a very similar situation to you. I've been here for 7 months and probably cried for nearly 6 of them! my husband and i have had our problems over the years, as do a lot of couples but i think we just chose to ignore them, for the sake of our kids. Moving to Oz and not having any of our 'normal' life distractions has highlighted all of our problems and we've decided to call it a day. I'm moving back to my mum's with our 3 children, its not ideal and it's going to be cramped, especially after living here in a big open plan house, but I know it's for the best. I love my husband, but I'm not in love with him, He loves Australia, I don't believe its the place its made out to be. I go back on the 8th April and he will follow after he has sold our land, but not to be with me, for the sake of our children. I would of love for this to of worked, but the loneliness is too much to bare and I miss everything! I can't wait for the kids to be back in a proper education, and wear proper shoes!!! Originally I was dreading telling the children, as they hated it so much when we first came and they are finally finding their feet, but they are soooo exvcited about going back and are even crossing the days off the calender. I've met lots of people who absolutely love it here, and I think that's great. However its not for me. Maybe I'm just too English! I'm not sure, but roll on the 8th!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nikkichap Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Hi just like to say that I'm in a very similar situation to you. I've been here for 7 months and probably cried for nearly 6 of them! my husband and i have had our problems over the years, as do a lot of couples but i think we just chose to ignore them, for the sake of our kids. Moving to Oz and not having any of our 'normal' life distractions has highlighted all of our problems and we've decided to call it a day. I'm moving back to my mum's with our 3 children, its not ideal and it's going to be cramped, especially after living here in a big open plan house, but I know it's for the best. I love my husband, but I'm not in love with him, He loves Australia, I don't believe its the place its made out to be. I go back on the 8th April and he will follow after he has sold our land, but not to be with me, for the sake of our children. I would of love for this to of worked, but the loneliness is too much to bare and I miss everything! I can't wait for the kids to be back in a proper education, and wear proper shoes!!! Originally I was dreading telling the children, as they hated it so much when we first came and they are finally finding their feet, but they are soooo exvcited about going back and are even crossing the days off the calender. I've met lots of people who absolutely love it here, and I think that's great. However its not for me. Maybe I'm just too English! I'm not sure, but roll on the 8th!! I'm glad you made a decision that everyone has agreed to. It must be so difficult when you move to a different country and then you realise that the marriage just isn't going to work. It's hard enough for a strong marriage. I am also moving back to the UK with my two boys, we leave in May. I am going to be staying with my MIL until I can get back into my own house, but I'm not in a rush. So I know what you mean about being cramped, we will feel it too. My OH is following once all the lose ends have been tied up. He is in the process of getting his old job back. When he left they said if it doesn't work out you can come back. Obviously the way the job situation is in the UK we were not sure if he could go back but it seems they still want him. Our marriage started to crack once we arrived. We couldn't settle, and took it out on each other. It was a really difficult time. We want to return for all the same reasons as you. But for me the loneliness has been the hardest thing to deal with. I hope you can pick up your life once you get home. I'm sure with the help and support of your family and friends you can get through it. Once your husband returns I hope you can stay on good terms for your childrens sake. Time apart might make things easier. I'm sure he will miss you and your children. Stay strong. :hug: Nikki Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest donnarose Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Hi just like to say that I'm in a very similar situation to you. I've been here for 7 months and probably cried for nearly 6 of them! my husband and i have had our problems over the years, as do a lot of couples but i think we just chose to ignore them, for the sake of our kids. Moving to Oz and not having any of our 'normal' life distractions has highlighted all of our problems and we've decided to call it a day. I'm moving back to my mum's with our 3 children, its not ideal and it's going to be cramped, especially after living here in a big open plan house, but I know it's for the best. I love my husband, but I'm not in love with him, He loves Australia, I don't believe its the place its made out to be. I go back on the 8th April and he will follow after he has sold our land, but not to be with me, for the sake of our children. I would of love for this to of worked, but the loneliness is too much to bare and I miss everything! I can't wait for the kids to be back in a proper education, and wear proper shoes!!! Originally I was dreading telling the children, as they hated it so much when we first came and they are finally finding their feet, but they are soooo exvcited about going back and are even crossing the days off the calender. I've met lots of people who absolutely love it here, and I think that's great. However its not for me. Maybe I'm just too English! I'm not sure, but roll on the 8th!! Hi Kimbo67, thanks for your reply. im sorry its not turned out for you, but at least you have somewhere to go when you get back, wish i could say the same. My husband doesnt want to go back and cant see the point returning. I think im still homesick dont know why because i couldnt wait to get away, now i relise life wasnt so bad back there after all. I know what you mean about the loneliness, and i feel i have cried non stop since arriving. the worst thing is when things are so bad with your husband and the talking stops, because thats what happens when me and my husband argue. He as said that he thinks we have a better chance of working it out here then back home because there are more opportunities over here and a better life but if we are always fighting i cant see the point in staying. where about are you living over here? im in sydney and i cant stand the traffic, didnt think it could be so bad. hope to hear from you soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest donnarose Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Thanks Donovan for your reply, whats it like on the goldcoast? sounds lovely. i will get intouch with the citizens advice and see what they say, i can only try. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twinkle Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Just to add my two penny worth... I never realised how lonely it would be moving to the other side of the world, I have been here nearly 2 years and still not a day goes by without me thinking about going home. I do wonder though whether we wear rose tinted glasses about 'home' and what that means? I know I definitely have them on, I recently had to back home for a funeral and as much as it was great to meet up with all those friends and relatives that you miss, I still hated all the things I hated before, the things that made me leave in the first place. I think many of us feel like we are going to find Utopia and when reality hits it's a shock. Luckily hubby and I have grown closer through our troubles here, no further apart but it has definitely been an uphill struggle and continues to be so. We have had to try and replace those people that are your support network and that doesn't happen overnight, it's fine when life is fun and dandy but when it's not that is when it's really tough. I think we have come to accept the fact that we have to really work at developing friendships, you have to put your neck on the line and keep trying. When we first got here we were really proactive in finding friends, so many of them have left for other places and so the cycle begins again. But life is about the journey not the final destination, we are trying to enjoy it as much as we can while we are here, who knows how long that will be, that's the fun bit. Good luck and follow your heart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest kimbo67 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Hi. I know its an awful position to be in when you hate it and your husband doesn't. I know my husband was very much, "we're here now, get on with it" for quite a while and then he finally realised that I was genuine and my feelings were not going to change, 2 weeks, months or years down the line. he finally admitted that we needed to go back; as soon as possible. i've been fortunate enough to get the kids back into their old school, and of course my mum's going to put us up, but where we go from there i don't know. all of our money is tied up in land that doesn't seem to be selling any day soon. I need to get a job... I have 3 children under 8... so that's not going to be easy. but I have a support network and nursery is FREE for my 3 year old I never hated England, so I'm not remembering it through"rose tinted glasses". i know its not going to be easy, but i do know its home. We currrently live on the Gold Coast, its very pretty, a great place to holiday... I now realise! also, everyone harps on about the economic climate and how bad it is the uk, but if we hadn't of left we would of survived and all our friends are still working and haven't crumbled under the pressure! life's what you make it and i can't wait to make mine and my kids a whole lot better. i'm just trying to be as positive as I can now and am looking forward to the rest of our lives. i hope you find your answers and end up happy, because you have to be happy. good luck.x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest treesea Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 With benefits, there has been a test case about that here recently, a lady in stockport, who returned, I think from memory from Spain, alone with her children, to live permanently back in the UK. Well, the DWP refused to help her as did Stockport council, on the basis that she wasn't "habitually resident" in the area. They both lost the case and have backdated her benefits to the day she arrived. If you come back here to live permanently, and you have no job to go to, you are entitled to benefits, including housing benefit, from the day you arrive. You just sign on for job seekers allowance, or income support if you are a sole parent or not well enough to work. This gives you the right to apply for housing benefit and council tax benefit. For child tax credit you apply, but through the HMRC. I think though, if you are on income support, the DWP help you with the application. The citizens advice bureau are pretty good and can help you with your application. It's all pretty straight forward though. Whatever happens, DON'T let anyone tell you, in the DWP especially, that you are not entitled to any help until you have been back three months/six months/whatever. It is nonsense. Just keep going higher up the line until you get what you need. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest boomerangpommie Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Donnarose, I was in very similar situation to you, I was isolated & lonely and felt like I was just existing and I couldn't even remember why I had wanted to leave my life in the UK and go to Aus - I felt like I was literally on another, alien planet and my life had come to an end!!! On the other hand, my OH settled really well and was happy and he has family there and the power balance between us somehow altered and I found him absolutely unbearable - as he did me, I really did his head in he now says. I was only there 7 months and my OH gave me permission to bring the kids back to the UK - mainly cos we were in such a state together and just had to get away from each other, I think. I returned and had to stay with my mom and I could not get any benefits at all cos of the length of time I was out of the country (7 measley months!!!) - you have to be back in the UK for 6 months before being entitled again. I'm not sure about housing waiting lists - but it may be similar?? I'm pretty sure I know how you feel but for myself, I so regret returning and not giving it a good period of time to get through all the stress, uncertainty and what are basically teething problems that come with such a BIG move and MASSIVE change to all of your lives. I wish I had given it two years before making such a big decision to just reverse it all - I know how hard that sounds because when I was initially feeling down and thinking about coming home, my OH and I agreed to see how I felt once we had reached the first year but I was in such a state , I couldn't even do that. My OH eventually followed me home and all of our money from our house sale to finance our move to Aus has gone and we are now renting and most of our shipping is still in boxes because we are so unsettled, I've had four jobs in the last year since I got back because I just can't settle and relax and see myself here for good again. We are now saving up to go back and try again. All I'm saying is that the shock and change from such a move is bound to have a really profound effect on your lives and will turn it upside down for a while (maybe a couple of years) and I just wish I could have been less stressed out and emotional and more rational and worked through my feelings better and kept the long-term, big picture in sight before throwing it all away. Also, how about moving to another area, where there are more people that you could relate to? Even where there are maybe more Brits - I know there are more on the North Shore and around Manly. The Shire is also lovely. I know it's a dilemma and you need to do what's best for you and your children and OH but this is an extreme and emotional time and I know how easy it is to be carried along by very strong feelings when you don't feel completely in control of your life and destiny. Good luck and I hope that whatever solution you find, it will bring you some relief x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest donnarose Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 can anyone help. my husband as been told to look for another job because he is a sales rep and because he is not bringing in the sales they are letting him go. he as only been with them 11 months and we moved from england with our three children and gave up our home. now we have nothing to go back to and dont know were we stand. can they do this to him after only a short time and can we apply for another visa to stay here and for him to find other work? we thought they would of gave him longer at least up to the two years. they took someone else on from england and paid for him to come here and work for them so if they haven't enough money left why take another person on? it doesnt seem right and my husband didnt sign a contract when he started the job with this company. what can we do about this, its so unfair. the other person they brought over hasn't any kids to worry about and we thought by coming here they would at least give him longer to settle in and do things the way they want him too. do they have to make sure he gets a job elsewhere before they let him go? we are on a 457 visa. please any advice asp. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest donnarose Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 hi thanks for your reply. we have be told that my husband as to look for another job because he is not bringing in the sales and they are not getting the business. he as only been working for them for 10 months. we are on a visa 457 and i thought they would of gave him longer before letting him go. the company have brought over another person to work in the company but in another part of australia and we dont know why they brought him over if they cant afford to keep my husband on. it doesnt seem right and gave up everthing to come here with our three children. does the company have to wait until he gets another job before they let him go. they told him to star tlooking right away. what if he doesnt find anywhere else, we need his money as we have nothing else to live on. where do we go for help and can we apply for another visa? hope you can help or anyone else out there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest zoensim Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 hi donnarose, we are here on 457 visa also and as far as i know if you lose the job you have 28 days to get another one and another sponsor or you have to leave. it is something that i worry about too as we have nothing to go back to. i hope that he finds something else soon though. good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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