What to do!!

[Tiddly2winks]

My hubby and I moved out to Melbourne a year ago.  Essentially we’re following his dream.  He originally emigrated 30 years ago but his first wife went home after 9 months and he followed her back.  

After his son moved out here, married an Aussie and had our grandson, we agreed we’d try to emigrate if we could.  So here we are on a 457 visa having relocated with hubbys work.  

We’ve both got good jobs and are settled in a lovely house.  We see hubbys son and our grandson often although they live in Queensland and we live in Melbourne. Hubby loves it.  I quite like it too but I’m sooo homesick. 

I miss my two daughters (27 and 30).  I desperately miss my 3 year old grandaughter and I constantly worry about my elderly parents.  They aren’t married any longer.  One is 88 the other 96.  

I go back home for a week every few months but I feel I need to be there permanently.  My daughters seem to be struggling emotionally without me.

What to do? 

 

 

[Quoll]

Marriage Guidance counselling? You’re not there permanently so can you put up with it until your visa expires? Get your sanity hits with frequent visits.  Then you’re going to be faced with the perennial “which grandkids do we spend time with” which happens whenever you have them on two different continents. You may not get a visa to live there permanently. 

It certainly sounds like this is your husbands dream, not yours and that does make it harder for you. I hear you about the elderly parents. I couldn’t not support mine and it’s been 6 very hard years but I’ve loved being me in a place I belong (I had 32 years in Australia and grew to loathe it).

Hope you can come to a decent compromise situation which works for both of you.

 

[VERYSTORMY]

The first thing that neither of you may not have considered is you have not emigrated. You hold a temp visa, which, assuming he is older than 45, means there may be no route to stay long term. Sooner or later, the visa will expire.

Next, have you, as a couple discussed how you feel?

[Tiddly2winks]

We know that permanent residency is unlikely as we’re over 50.  We’re lucky we’re here at all! We are here until at least 2021 under our 457 visa though. That’s another 4 years.  Dad will probably have passed by then.  I expect hubby’s company will try to renew his visa too. 

We have discussed how we feel at length.  It’s likely, with the way I feel at the moment ,that I’ll go back without hubby and I’ll somehow live and work in both places alternately.  I’m just looking for an un-emotional opinion which yours is.  Thank you. It’s focussed me a bit. 

[VERYSTORMY]

I think if I had a partner who was prepared to make me very unhappy in order to spend a few years in another country, it would tell me everything I needed to know about them and how high a priority I was in their life.

[Phil & Vikki]

That is a good point raised, that due to the visa that you are on, it does not seem like it will be a move out here forever. That could be something to look forward to and then just try to enjoy the time that you have out here.

 

After reading your original post there does seem to be something a bit more deep rooted going on here, than just living in Aus. For example there appears to be so many references to “him and me” (essentially we’re following his dream, after his son moved out here, we see hubby’s son and hubby loves it””. As you say you both agreed we’d try to emigrate if you could” so that must have been a joint decision at the time.

 

For a lot of people the move out here is one of them things that you do not fully appreciate how big a thing it is until you try it. People can tell you how homesick you will be and how worried you will be about aging parents and family, but until you are here you cannot fully appreciate it. The dream of the beach life, the sun, and heat and so on, often prevents people from fully looking at the down side to being so far away from the ones we know and love. We moved out here and after nearly seven years we have realised that it is not for us. We have both talked about it and at no point have we ever blamed the situation on the other person.

 

You asked at the end of your post “What to do”. First of all (if you have not already) you both need to further talk about the options as the one to work in both places does not seem like it will work long term, be this financially or from a marriage aspect. The fact that you now go back so often is a good thing and gives you something to look forward to. Hopefully the money will allow that level of travel to continue.

Edited December 14, 2017 by Phil & Vikki

[calNgary]

23 hours ago, VERYSTORMY said:

I think if I had a partner who was prepared to make me very unhappy in order to spend a few years in another country, it would tell me everything I needed to know about them and how high a priority I was in their life.

I think thats quite harsh and It does work both ways,yes the OP misses her parents in the UK, yet her hubby has his family ( son and grandchild) here who he enjoys seeing so would obviously miss them just as much and be very unhappy if he was made to return to the UK too. 

At the end of the day it's more than likely 3 - 4 years until they return permanently,with the monthly vists the OP already makes  i would say its do-able. I feel a relationship is give and take and maybe the OP should stick  the 4 years out ,then they will both be back in blighty for the next 20 plus years. I do not think 4 out of 20 years is unreasonable at all . 

 

Cal x

[Scousers1]

On 12 December 2017 at 00:06, Tiddly2winks said:

My hubby and I moved out to Melbourne a year ago.  Essentially we’re following his dream.  He originally emigrated 30 years ago but his first wife went home after 9 months and he followed her back.  

After his son moved out here, married an Aussie and had our grandson, we agreed we’d try to emigrate if we could.  So here we are on a 457 visa having relocated with hubbys work.  

We’ve both got good jobs and are settled in a lovely house.  We see hubbys son and our grandson often although they live in Queensland and we live in Melbourne. Hubby loves it.  I quite like it too but I’m sooo homesick. 

I miss my two daughters (27 and 30).  I desperately miss my 3 year old grandaughter and I constantly worry about my elderly parents.  They aren’t married any longer.  One is 88 the other 96.  

I go back home for a week every few months but I feel I need to be there permanently.  My daughters seem to be struggling emotionally without me.

What to do? 

 

 

Totally understand and i have my family here with me. You need to be with who you need to be with, i have ignored these feelings for years but now realise that a place or things cannot replace people who mean everything to you