Northwind Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 I have been in Australia just over 3 years. I met my partner back home in the uk and later joined him in Australia. We now have an 11 month old baby. For a long time now I have been trying to get something from the relationship, feeling like I need more of a feeling. Unfortunately I have come to realise I think I am no longer in love with my partner but he doesn't know it.. Although he suspects it. i am torn what to do. I don't want to break his heart but I think he deserves somebody who is totally sure of their love for him and a relationship. I want us to work so much but I can't help but feel something is missing and it's been like this for over a year and I am always questioning. all our family is back in the uk who I do miss and I don't like them missing out on our baby growing up but I don't know if I want to move back there. That is another ongoing question in my head. My partner definitely doesn't want to move back to the uk. So I am so torn what to do or even if breaking up should be an option? It's difficult to even try a break and see if it's the right decision as we live together and share everything.. Including a child now. I just don't even know where to start but what u do know is I can't keep searching for answers to questions in my head and slowly becoming unhappy deep down because of it. Would I really be questioning the relationship so often if it was truly right for me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xxlornaxx Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 No you wouldn't be Questioning it if it was right..I was in similar position n stayed way longer than I should have trying to make It work as he was a good person n I doubted myself...when I did end it, it was sad but I couldn't help also how right it felt n I regretted not doing it sooner...he also agreed afterwards that it was for the best although initially not what he wanted...i tried a trial separation but it didn't help really n we got back together n then finally I grew a pair n made a decision! Difficult though n u can't just leave Aus with your child anyway...and u may be more happy here if u weren't in a relationship u felt wasn't right...maybe try counselling? We did that too n just confirmed to me what I already knew I think but least I left knowing I tried everything...it's not fair on him either, if you don't love him then your stopping him finding true happiness n the longer u leave it the more likely you will start to resent each other n make amicable split more difficult...I would say give counselling a go as first step, either together or alone to get all your thoughts straight Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Northwind Posted April 12, 2016 Author Share Posted April 12, 2016 Thank you for your response Lorna. Just viewed your profile and we have lived in a couple of places the same.. One of which I am living there now and if it wasn't for my partner then I wouldn't really choose to live here. If we did break up then there's so many questions. Would I stay in Australia.. Would I stay where we are now or move to a city where I have friends from the uk living. I wouldn't want to split up and rush back to the uk and I also wouldn't want to take his child away from him. I can't actually believe what a difficult situation I have found myself in... But I do know if there wasn't a child involved I probably wouldn't still be hanging around. i do love him but there is definitely something missing which I keep searching for and haven't found... I guess I can't force things to work or to feel things just because we have a child and he is a good person. im scared to make the step to break up and then not know what will happen or if it's the wrong choice. We have tried counselling but only went once and didn't feel it would go anywhere with that counsellor. he works away so I do feel quite alone sometimes and it doesn't help.. But the sad thing is I also feel alone when he's around and have started to enjoy my own company more Do do you have children involved? Did you move back to the uk? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robfromdublin Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 Be aware, you cannot legally move back to the UK with the child unless he agrees to it. Google the Hague Convention. You would be breaking the law. I feel for you, because it is not a nice situation to be in, but he has rights as the father and you must respect them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy1 Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 You cannot legally move back to the UK with the baby unless the Father gives permission. Even if you stay in Australia you will be limited to where you can move. It sounds like that there is a lot for you to think about. Things do change after having a child, people change and having a young child can be challenging to a fairly new relationship. Perhaps contact Relationships Australia and arrange some counselling? Going once was certainly not enough. It does help to talk things through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Northwind Posted April 12, 2016 Author Share Posted April 12, 2016 I am aware of The Hague Convention and my partner has already said in the past that if I wanted to go back to the UK then he would let that happen but he would probably stay here. if it came to it though I think we may both end up moving back as he doesn't have as much as he thinks he does here when taking away myself and his child.nhe has amazing friends in the UK and doesn't have the same bonds here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy1 Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 I am aware of The Hague Convention and my partner has already said in the past that if I wanted to go back to the UK then he would let that happen but he would probably stay here. if it came to it though I think we may both end up moving back as he doesn't have as much as he thinks he does here when taking away myself and his child.nhe has amazing friends in the UK and doesn't have the same bonds here How would he move back? Does he have dual nationality as a British citizen? If you have split up then his options are very limited. Even if you are together it is tricky, as there has to be a high paying job to go to. There are strict financial requirements set by the UK government for Australian spouses of British citizens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Northwind Posted April 12, 2016 Author Share Posted April 12, 2016 You cannot legally move back to the UK with the baby unless the Father gives permission. Even if you stay in Australia you will be limited to where you can move. It sounds like that there is a lot for you to think about. Things do change after having a child, people change and having a young child can be challenging to a fairly new relationship. Perhaps contact Relationships Australia and arrange some counselling? Going once was certainly not enough. It does help to talk things through. Unfortunately relationships Australia was the counselling service I wanted to use but they have no space here. There is limited resources for counselling in this town. unfortunately this isn't the first time these questions have been in my mind, I understand having a baby can change things in a relationship but there has been times in the past I have felt like this but thought things would work... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Northwind Posted April 12, 2016 Author Share Posted April 12, 2016 How would he move back? Does he have dual nationality as a British citizen? If you have split up then his options are very limited. Even if you are together it is tricky, as there has to be a high paying job to go to. There are strict financial requirements set by the UK government for Australian spouses of British citizens. We are all British citizens and the baby has dual citizenship as we applied for both passports Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy1 Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 Unfortunately relationships Australia was the counselling service I wanted to use but they have no space here. There is limited resources for counselling in this town. unfortunately this isn't the first time these questions have been in my mind, I understand having a baby can change things in a relationship but there has been times in the past I have felt like this but thought things would work... It actually sound like you have already made your mind up. What you now have to think of is logistics to be honest. How you will live and what will be put in place for the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy1 Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 That makes it a whole lot easier if you all do decide to move back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Northwind Posted April 12, 2016 Author Share Posted April 12, 2016 Sorry I didn't make it clear... Myself and my partner are both British citizens who come from the same town in England Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robfromdublin Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 Well it sounds like you've already had some discussions with your partner over this, so it won't come as a complete surprise. Do you want to work on the relationship or do you just want to end it? Have you considered all possible implications of either decision (financial, emotional, etc.)? I agree, sometimes just ending the relationship is the best for all concerned, but the timing (11 months after a child together) makes it look like a failure for the relationship to adapt after a major change more than anything else. These 'dips' in the quality of a relationship are really common after children but those that stick together often end up with an even better one down the track. That's why a counsellor can be so helpful, because he/she can help a couple discuss the million and one things that arise after a kid comes along. After the end of that process, you might still decide that there are irreconcilable differences and split up, but at least you can do so with the knowledge that you gave it your best shot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 Ah, sorry, I replied to your other thread before seeing this one and basically repeated a lot of what has already been said here - bit rough that RA don't have space for you to have counselling (does that, perhaps, say something about the town you live in?). Is there a waiting list? Is there a bigger town with more counselling capacity you could approach? There is a sort of normal change in relationships when babies come along but if you fell out of love before the baby then you do have to ask yourself what made you fall in love in the first place and what has changed? What would have to happen for the love to return? Is it the place you are living in? (Stranger things have happened) Good luck! Sounds like you have lots of tough decisions to make! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 I think it would be a mistake to just give up on the relationship without counselling. As Rob said - maybe you have fallen out of love BUT maybe it's just a hiccup caused by your situation. Perhaps once you were in a better place and feeling happier, you'd rediscover that spark that's missing at the moment. Your marriage does change once you've had a baby, it's a huge adjustment to suddenly have a third person in the relationship, and a lot of couples need help with that. You are far from alone in feeling that you'd like to be near family now you've got a child. I've lost count of the number of posts on these forums from women who feel exactly the same - they were loving their new life in Oz until they had a baby, then their priorities in life changed completely and utterly. Once you start feeling like that, things can quickly get out of proportion, and you need help to find your way through. It's a great pity that you're struggling to find a counsellor - I think it's absolutely essential that you find one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 Is it just me that thinks women spend too much time assessing whether their life and relationships are achieving all the things they should? What on earth are you trying to get from the relationship? Is it more important that your child having two steady parents? It is such a cop out to say you are doing this for him. Grow up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Northwind Posted April 12, 2016 Author Share Posted April 12, 2016 Is it just me that thinks women spend too much time assessing whether their life and relationships are achieving all the things they should? What on earth are you trying to get from the relationship? Is it more important that your child having two steady parents? It is such a cop out to say you are doing this for him. Grow up. Women spend too much time assessing a lot of things. It is in their nature. Id like to thank everyone for their helpful responses it does help weigh things up better in my head hearing from others especially at a time that can feel very lonely. Not having close friends and family at the other side of the world with me is not easy. After having a child makes it even harder but I've done pretty well so far. sometimes in these situations advice is needed from others when a lot of time is spent alone with your own thoughts. A relationship is about being happy which obviously impacts a child and if it becomes an unhappy environment then the child would be better off with parents separated unfortunately. Rather than just give up, I have come for help. typical there is always rude responses on the internet these days. From a short post on here you actually don't have a clue of what I may be going through.. So I wouldn't refer to it as a 'cop out'. People are too quick to judge and give negative feedback. So thanks for that. I am growing up everyday with different experiences, as are we all. i don't need you to tell me to grow up. Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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