IndianBritinOz Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 Hi guys, Moved to Oz 5 years ago looking for a better life and better weather than London... Missing it lately alot. Had a horrid run here unfortunately lost 2 babies my dad and my career too. Everyone tells me its not because I am in Oz and that all the stuff that happened couldve happened back home but ummm... well it happened here so now I hate it... losing my dad few months ago suddenly was the last straw... if I could I woud move back tomorrow Ok so heres the catch... hubby has a great job car(loves his cars #supercarfan) life friends blah blah and point blank refuses to even entertain the idea of moving back. I even tried to bribe him with some amazing jobs that would pay very generously back home but he wont have any of it & literally said "umm no". Ok so my mum n brother are moving back that might have a little to do with me wanting to move back. So convinced him to go back for a holiday this xmas and maybe thatll put things in perspective for me n him? I dont know. Anyways guess I am jus here to share and wondering if theres anyone out there having similar issues? Thanks for reading guys! ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tappers2oz Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 Can't really suggest anything but didn't want to read and run. Hugs for you. I hope that you can work something out so you are both happy where you live. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IndianBritinOz Posted January 19, 2016 Author Share Posted January 19, 2016 Thank you Tappers2oz.... hopeing we both come to some kind of agreeable solution cos right now im so bitter & resentful n i hate it n hate feelimg this way Sent from my SM-N910G using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali81 Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 Hi we moved back to the UK after five years of being in Queensland. I was positive that I hated it there and wanted to go home. I was suffering from deppression and hated my job etc etc Well we have been back for two years and are starting to arrange things to return to Oz now. I can't believe I actually uprooted my family and now I'm going to do it again! At the time, I think I needed to come back to the UK but I really wish we hadn't. Just know that I know what your going through and that there are other people in the same boat. There is light at the end of the tunnel!! take care xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 Very many people find themselves in your position, a number of marriages breakdown as a result. If you browse the MBTTUK forum you will find lots of similar stories. I think people are right when they say 'it is not Australia' - I had a really awful time there too & again none of it was 'Australia' but it made me realise what was important, luckily my husband and son had never really settled so when I suggested returning to the UK they jumped at the chance. I do wonder if we hadn't had such a hard time whether we would have stayed but I am so happy back in the UK it's irrelevant, I am glad we didn't! I think the best way forward is through counselling - ideally with your husband but if not on your own. Moving countries won't resolve the grief you must be suffering and depending on how recently you lost the babies and your dad you need to get closure there before making any decisions at all - as Ali81 found it isn't always as clear cut as it seems at the time. I would give yourself at least a year of stability before making any decisions - is it Xmas 2016 you are going for a visit? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 Lots of people in your boat, unfortunately and I too would suggest that relationships counselling in the first instance is the way to go. I'm one of those for whom a move back to UK has been the best thing ever and it was "Australia" that ailed me (back on holiday in Aus now and though I know it is a holiday, there are still moments when I feel the mantle of depression settling on my shoulders.) If your relationship is to survive and throb wherever, you're both going to have to see some semblance of compromise in the deal - him saying "no way are we going to move" and you saying "I can't stay" doesn't leave much wriggle room unfortunately so you will have to nut out something that you can both live with or, as many on here have done, kiss your relationship goodbye. Good luck, it's a horrid position to be in! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IndianBritinOz Posted January 19, 2016 Author Share Posted January 19, 2016 Thanks guys... Ali81... thats exactly what my fear is that I may somehow convince him and hed be so unhappy our life would be miserable back in the UK & if make him move back here. Im in Perth which is pretty isolated yes the beaches are good but I havnt been for like a year now! And yes weather is great but the summer has been apalling this year. I wonder if maybe its worth checking queensland victoria and NSW out? @LadyRainicon... yep we are going xmas 2016 for a visit... perhaps your right might be worth letting dust settle until then? @Quoll... unfortunately counselling just isnt something thats worked for us... well me especially battling depression I havnt had a good experience with any counsellor but if it helps this situation perhaps it's not such a bad idea... Thanks everyone for all the feedback... I guess its a fine line and some love it back in the UK and some not so much... for me its more the people family friends etc thats pulling me back and ofcourse all the culture too the christmases new years all the fun holidays. Perhaps I am biased because my family is moving but does that make me a horrible person to want to move back too to be closer to them? Sent from my SM-N910G using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 You mention that your mum and brother are now returning to the UK. Was it that you followed them out to Oz and your husband went with you perhaps. If so, and you are now intent on following them back to the UK then it does call into question perhaps who you would rather be with. I sense that this is really the only reason you really want to return and the other reasons are attempts to justify your feelings. I am not being judgemental about this. Clearly you need to fully evaluate your relationship with your husband. For context I divorced my first wife after 11 years of marriage but for many years I knew in my heart that we had each married the wrong person for us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest241083 Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 ...........so sorry to hear of your losses...... ..........and I do feel this may colour your view ..... ..........of course you want to be near familiar things when grieving.... ..........and hopefully the holiday will help...... ...........but partnerships are about compromise..... ...........and you could easily find difficulties if you returned to the uk but not to the area you wanted.... ............in life work often predicts...... ............but you need to find out just how far you as a person are prepared to compromise..... ............if you do stay here.......what you need to make it work.... .............ie frequent return options...... ..............family coming to stay...... ..............and the same for your partner if it's the uk you end up in..... .............needs and wants......and how many are must haves ......on both sides........the best of luck to you....X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IndianBritinOz Posted January 19, 2016 Author Share Posted January 19, 2016 Thanks Gbye grey sky... for your honest comment and opinions... I do really appreciate it... Firstly just to let you know... nope we had planned much earlier to come here than he did... him coming here was that an incentive yes definitely but we had made that decision way before we realized my bro was coming too... In a way you may be right... I think the only reason to go now is that we have a little baby girl... who has no cousins in Australia once they leave and tonnes in the UK. Yes we may have other children but I grew up with all my cousins near me... do I want that for my kids yess hell yess i want them to have lots of cousins aunties and uncles.... I want them to enjoy Christmas the way we did in the wintery weather... I think I also miss the modern..ness of the UK just something simple like foods or fast internet... Hubby says he is willing to go interstate but not back to the UK... I have a feeling he doesnt want to go because of the timing of it all... fact that my family is moving back and I want to go... is it just him wanting to make a point and say well we not moving just because they are? Is that really even why I want to move I dont know anymore... There is some truth in your speculations though I have to admit and be honest yes... who would I rather be with ofcourse him... Infact I am even willing to compromise perhaps ride out this bad wave and just see how it all pans out? I don't know... I do know one thing I havnt been back to the UK since we moved because of everything that happened year 1 and 2 i lost my career year 3 and 4 I lost my babies year 5 i lost my pop... so we havnt had a chance... so perhaps going back this year in winter during the holidays will help me either see that nope UK isnt the place for me or the opposite... In my heart of hearts I do hope I am wrong and that it just makes me realise how "amazing" i have it here but I have an inkling itll make me want to move back even more? Sent from my SM-N910G using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IndianBritinOz Posted January 19, 2016 Author Share Posted January 19, 2016 Thank you Tink... Grief is an awful black hole... and everything you said is correct... 100% correct... thats exactly how i feel... Compromising is definitely my forte ive done it always... I came here after leaving a great job back in the UK and came here for hubby.. His career came to a dead end there and so we decided for his future it was better opportunities here and yes that happened as planned but I went 5 years backwards myself... Sent from my SM-N910G using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robfromdublin Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 Having a child complicates things of course. Your husband would have to give permission for her to go the UK with you and from the sounds of it that is unlikely to happen. I presume you wouldn't want to move back to the UK without her? From what you've written and all the life events you've been through, it sounds to me like Australia is not the problem and you're just looking for change to reset your life. I certainly would not entertain the possibility of marriage breakdown and migrating to another country on top of everything else you've experienced. That's just my opinion based on a few posts. Even an interstate move might help provide that 'reset' but it won't change the grief that you are probably still experiencing. Overcome that first, and get back to a better place emotionally. Then you'll be able to think more clearly about whether a move to the UK is the best option. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 Thanks Gbye grey sky... for your honest comment and opinions... I do really appreciate it... Firstly just to let you know... nope we had planned much earlier to come here than he did... him coming here was that an incentive yes definitely but we had made that decision way before we realized my bro was coming too... In a way you may be right... I think the only reason to go now is that we have a little baby girl... who has no cousins in Australia once they leave and tonnes in the UK. Yes we may have other children but I grew up with all my cousins near me... do I want that for my kids yess hell yess i want them to have lots of cousins aunties and uncles.... I want them to enjoy Christmas the way we did in the wintery weather... I think I also miss the modern..ness of the UK just something simple like foods or fast internet... Hubby says he is willing to go interstate but not back to the UK... I have a feeling he doesnt want to go because of the timing of it all... fact that my family is moving back and I want to go... is it just him wanting to make a point and say well we not moving just because they are? Is that really even why I want to move I dont know anymore... There is some truth in your speculations though I have to admit and be honest yes... who would I rather be with ofcourse him... Infact I am even willing to compromise perhaps ride out this bad wave and just see how it all pans out? I don't know... I do know one thing I havnt been back to the UK since we moved because of everything that happened year 1 and 2 i lost my career year 3 and 4 I lost my babies year 5 i lost my pop... so we havnt had a chance... so perhaps going back this year in winter during the holidays will help me either see that nope UK isnt the place for me or the opposite... In my heart of hearts I do hope I am wrong and that it just makes me realise how "amazing" i have it here but I have an inkling itll make me want to move back even more? Sent from my SM-N910G using Tapatalk That makes things a lot clearer. I think you are right to wait if only to find out how your brother resettles on his return. I suspect that your husband is linking your desire to move back with the decision made by your brother and mother especially if you had not previously voiced your UK preferences very strongly. I don't see how moving to another Australian state solves anything at all really for any of you and throwing this into the mix just complicates matters. I would always caution people about making decisions based on a visit anywhere. Friends and family can make that visit very special but it is not 'real life'. If you can it is probably better to match up your real memories (good and bad) of the life you had in the UK and make a like-for-like comparison with your day-to-day life in Oz. But, at the end of the day, if being close to your extended family is the most important thing to you then the UK will always win out for you. Your problem is that you will need him on board as you jointly have a child in Australia and you could not remove that child without his permission. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 I'm sorry you haven't had much luck with counselling because it's one of the best tools to help you through depression - CBT and ACT therapists have best success with depression but you do have to find a counsellor that you can click with to make the most of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IndianBritinOz Posted January 20, 2016 Author Share Posted January 20, 2016 Thanks Gbye grey sky... yes definitely we are headed that wya by the looks of it to see how he resettles in his return home.. Definitely also agree that moving to another Aussie state will jus complicate if not worsen things cos it wont bring me what I really need which is closeness a sense of settlement and mostly friends and family I can count on... Its a good point you raise about visits vs real life... people do tend to make holidays special but when it comes down to it it would be different to live there... I like your idea of a like-for-like comparison. I might even sit and write down a aus vs uk list... but i dont even know if it matters and whether I should just stop looking into to to save myself further disappointment as there is absolutely no way he will move he even said he fears moving back will end our relationship so that is def a no go I think. I do love him and I cannot imagine my life without him in it... warts and all... Thanks Quoll... perhaps therapy and counselling might need another go... ive tried 2 different therapists perhaps 3rd time lucky will look into cbt and act therapists... thank you very much Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IndianBritinOz Posted January 20, 2016 Author Share Posted January 20, 2016 Robfromdublin... there is some truth to what you say... a reset is exactly what maybe I am looking for after everything thats gone dwn in the past 5 years if I could I would turn back time and never have made the move in the first place as I was the one who egged it on in the first place had I known then what I know now I would never do it... i hear you on getting a hold of emotional welbeing first which is ultimately my downfall at the moment... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speakeasy Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 My two cents: It sounds like you have some unresolved issues. My advice is to stay in one place to work them out and try not to avoid them by moving again just yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robfromdublin Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 If you want to do some reading into the principles of ACT ('acceptance and commitment therapy') then I highly recommend a book called The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. I found it very interesting and useful. It has helped improve my ability to handle stress and adversity generally. Worth a read Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johndoe Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 Thanks Quoll... perhaps therapy and counselling might need another go... ive tried 2 different therapists perhaps 3rd time lucky will look into cbt and act therapists... thank you very much Not much I can add to what others have said. Quoll is bang on the button. You have been through a hell of a lot and are likely still grieving. Sometimes, you're simply not ready for counselling..........it's not the counsellors in many cases, it's yourself just not being ready to "face and solve". It takes a "climax situation" to bring you finally to the awareness that the counselling that you have rejected, is not due to bad counselling but yourself not being receptive to it. I went through 4 counsellors before I finally became receptive and acknowledged the dire need for me to "get my head together". One of those counsellors was a registrar using me as a case study (for free) to attain his consultancy. I should have recognised how lucky I was that he wasn't costing me the earth, as he is now one of the best psychs in private practice in Brisbane, but I simply hadn't reached the crisis point to appreciate the help that I was getting. I saw, at that time, only the painful issues that he was raising and only in hindsight did I realise how much he had helped me face, and deal with those issues. I resented him at the time because he raised the painful memories that I thought that I had long ago buried. I'm not questioning your judgement, as I know that there are some duff counsellors out there, but you need to ask yourself if the ones you saw really were duff, or if you, like me, simply weren't ready to "face and fix", at that time? If, after you consider that, you really do think that they were duff, then find yourself a good 'un because I think you may have reached that "climax situation" that I spoke of earlier. You really have been through a very hard time and your thoughts will be all over the place so you need someone to help you collate those thoughts. CBT worked for me after years of a disastrous earlier life, wondering just where I belonged. Good luck :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johndoe Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 Thanks Gbye grey sky... yes definitely we are headed that wya by the looks of it to see how he resettles in his return home.. Definitely also agree that moving to another Aussie state will jus complicate if not worsen things cos it wont bring me what I really need which is closeness a sense of settlement and mostly friends and family I can count on... Can you count on your partner? Is that enough? If not, ask yourself if the other family and friends would be enough without your partner, and perhaps even your child if he was so inclined to let you go when/if he decided to stay here? If you stay here because you love him so much, despite your strong desire to return to the UK, would you finally grow to resent him? All these, and many more questions, need confronting and you could better confront them with professional help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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