starting out as a new family

[Nats]

Not sure if this is the right forum to place this post, but just wondering if others have found themselves in similar situation, and what the outcome was.

 

 

Husband and I came to Australia in 2010, lived in Perth for 18months before relocating to Brisbane. Brisbane was only ever meant to be temporary, we enjoyed living near the coast in Perth but decided to move East to explore more of Australia. Got a job with Qld health and i guess I'm a bit hesitant to leave.

We now have a 14month old son, I returned to work when he was 11months old and he is in daycare 3 days per week.

Since the arrival of our son, and no doubt influenced by my fluctuating hormones, I/we have thought about returning home constantly. We came to Australia to start a family, but in reality we are finding it to be an uphill struggle. We have no support in Brisbane, whatsoever. We don't have many friends or indeed anyone whom we can rely upon should something (anything) unforeseen crop up.

Since returning to work I have been sick practically every week through sheer exhaustion of trying to balance Shiftwork with little or no sleep when caring for a toddler. Husband is currently subcontracting and looking for work, so we're feeling the strain financially and clashing quite a bit also.

Things that I'm working on to improve the situation include; finding a less stressful job/better hours within Qhealth, thus remaining with same employer and not losing any of my benefits. We are also considering a 'fresh start' Sunshine Coast or beyond, nearer the coast, more in keeping with the laid back lifestyle we enjoyed in Perth whilst remaining East Coast and enjoying all that it has to offer.

Now is not a good time for us to return to the UK, but if things don't improve this may be our only option.

 

Ive read a few posts on here recently, and one today that really resonated with me. The isolation being a major drawback and reason for people considering returning to the UK. We had a wonderful group of friends in Perth, and we still keep in touch. In Brisbane we had a group of close friends (expats) all of whom have returned to the UK. Admittedly I haven't really made much effort or 'put myself out there' since arriving in Brisbane, except for joining mums groups when my son was born (this didn't work out so well for me). I feel really sad that my son has no regular contact with anyone other than myself and husband. This is not the life I envisioned for my children, or at least I hadn't even contemplated this or how it may negatively affect him.

 

I guess I underestimated the true value of my family in the UK and what I really want to know is, has/is anyone else experiencing the same? Does it/will it get easier? Is this black hole a result of present circumstances or do I need to prepare for returning to the UK?

[Quoll]

If you need people then you have to be where they are. The alternative is to decide you don't need people and be independent and self sufficient. If you stay then you will be on the other side of the world from your nearest and dearest no matter what so that won't get easier unless you develop the hard shell of self sufficiency. It's not easy, no, but if you don't want to return to UK then it's something you put up with.

[Bungo]

It sounds like you were much happier in Perth and you still have friends that way, have you thought about going back there if you are going to make a fresh start anyway?

 

Having children can be the catalyst for moving back for some people and others manage perfectly well by themselves. In some ways you at least have a clear choice.

[wattsy1982]

It sounds like you were much happier in Perth and you still have friends that way, have you thought about going back there

 

I dont know the ins and outs but I thought the same thing too!

[Nats]

Thanks for the feedback. I think I'm just hoping someone will come by and say it gets easier after the baby/toddler stage. We have discussed returning to Perth Bungo, but aside from the friends and lovely beaches, it didn't tick all our boxes. We want to add to our family (as if I'm not struggling already ha) so that means remaining with my employer and their PPL scheme, and I prob will hang around for long service leave too. I wouldn't rule it out down the track, but for now hoping a sea change & an au pair might do the trick.

There are definite benefits to being on the other side of the world when it comes to raising kids, we don't have the grandparents & aunties challenging our parenting decisions, undoing our discipline and feeding our child rubbish.. but I do wonder how much children of migrants suffer as a result of having no extended family nearby.

[JockinTas]

Apart from extended family coming from the UK for holiday, my two sons never had extended family here. They never seemed to miss them or ask why they didn't have aunties, uncles or cousins here. What you never had you don't miss I guess. They were always involved in sport and had lots of friends so they had very full lives without extended family being around.

[Bungo]

Thanks for the feedback. I think I'm just hoping someone will come by and say it gets easier after the baby/toddler stage. We have discussed returning to Perth Bungo, but aside from the friends and lovely beaches, it didn't tick all our boxes. We want to add to our family (as if I'm not struggling already ha) so that means remaining with my employer and their PPL scheme, and I prob will hang around for long service leave too. I wouldn't rule it out down the track, but for now hoping a sea change & an au pair might do the trick.

There are definite benefits to being on the other side of the world when it comes to raising kids, we don't have the grandparents & aunties challenging our parenting decisions, undoing our discipline and feeding our child rubbish.. but I do wonder how much children of migrants suffer as a result of having no extended family nearby.

 

 

I wouldnt stay anywhere for employment benefits if I was otherwise unhappy, life too short for that.

 

I expect a lot of people will say their children are not missing out on extended family. Well I don't have children, but I was the child of migrants to the UK. I don't remember any of my grandparents. I have no relationship to speak of with my numerous cousins, aunts, uncles. I tracked down some cousins on Facebook recently and so am starting to get to know a bit about them via their online activity!

 

People moan about big family get togethers at Christmas and other occasions, I feel like I missed out on something as a child and I feel like I am missing out on something now. I am glad I was brought up in the UK and I am not sorry my parents moved there, but I do wish I had known my wider family and to be honest I wish that more as I get older. This is not something I ever said to my parents.

Edited September 1, 2015 by Bungo

[JockinTas]

I wouldnt stay anywhere for employment benefits if I was otherwise unhappy, life too short for that.

 

I expect a lot of people will say their children are not missing out on extended family. Well I don't have children, but I was the child of migrants to the UK. I don't remember any of my grandparents. I have no relationship to speak of with my numerous cousins, aunts, uncles. I tracked down some cousins on Facebook recently and so am starting to get to know a bit about them via their online activity!

 

People moan about big family get togethers at Christmas and other occasions, I feel like I missed out on something as a child and I feel like I am missing out on something now. I am glad I was brought up in the UK and I am not sorry my parents moved there, but I do wish I had known my wider family and to be honest I wish that more as I get older. This is not something I ever said to my parents.

 

I can understand that if you have a large family. My sons only have two aunts and two uncles and four full cousins. Two of the cousins were brought up in Thailand and we saw a lot of them over the years and the other two were brought up in the UK but one is now here in Australia and the other is in Denmark.

[Bungo]

I can understand that if you have a large family. My sons only have two aunts and two uncles and four full cousins. Two of the cousins were brought up in Thailand and we saw a lot of them over the years and the other two were brought up in the UK but one is now here in Australia and the other is in Denmark.

 

My dad had five siblings and I am not even sure how many cousins that side! My mother had two siblings, one had four children and the other five. I am connected on Facebook now to those nine cousins but I have never met any of them. Maybe one day...

[JockinTas]

My dad had five siblings and I am not even sure how many cousins that side! My mother had two siblings, one had four children and the other five. I am connected on Facebook now to those nine cousins but I have never met any of them. Maybe one day...

 

What a fabulous get together that will be!! :smile:

[Quoll]

I wouldnt stay anywhere for employment benefits if I was otherwise unhappy, life too short for that.

 

I expect a lot of people will say their children are not missing out on extended family. Well I don't have children, but I was the child of migrants to the UK. I don't remember any of my grandparents. I have no relationship to speak of with my numerous cousins, aunts, uncles. I tracked down some cousins on Facebook recently and so am starting to get to know a bit about them via their online activity!

 

People moan about big family get togethers at Christmas and other occasions, I feel like I missed out on something as a child and I feel like I am missing out on something now. I am glad I was brought up in the UK and I am not sorry my parents moved there, but I do wish I had known my wider family and to be honest I wish that more as I get older. This is not something I ever said to my parents.

 

Both my (now adult) sons have said they wished we had been more engaged with their extended family. Both have partnered with women from huge, somewhat enmeshed, extended families and feel the relative isolation. It may well be something that hits you in maturity - like the "only child" thing.

[Nats]

I wouldnt stay anywhere for employment benefits if I was otherwise unhappy, life too short for that.

 

 

Yeah, but paid parental leave means enjoying up to 12 months off work whilst baby is young without added financial stress. I'm not sure I'll definitely be around for the long service leave.. but it's not that far off and the organisation itself ain't so bad.

 

Interesting perspectives on growing up without extended family around. I know why I came to Australia and what I was leaving behind, but we came as a couple, it is only after the arrival of our son that I started to realise these issues.

He loves daycare and playgroup, I've made sure he gets plenty of socialisation, and of course we hope he will have siblings. Would be lovely if he had an older, more mature person in his life. I've heard about 'adopt a grandparent' schemes, but none in Qld. I loved having my gran around & i think it's wonderful for children to have exposure to different generations.

 

I and to a certain extent we (husband and I) feel 'stuck in a rut' in Brisbane. Our lifestyle is much as it was in the UK, living the rate race out in suburbia, whereas at least in the UK we weren't isolated from friends and family, and when we look at it from that angle, we'd be better off in the UK. That said, the potential is there, outwith Brisbane, hopefully a move to a smaller community will be the change we need. Feeling a lot more positive than I did earlier, back to back illness from all the daycare bugs is taking it's toll.

[Bungo]

Yeah, but paid parental leave means enjoying up to 12 months off work whilst baby is young without added financial stress. I'm not sure I'll definitely be around for the long service leave.. but it's not that far off and the organisation itself ain't so bad.

 

Interesting perspectives on growing up without extended family around. I know why I came to Australia and what I was leaving behind, but we came as a couple, it is only after the arrival of our son that I started to realise these issues.

He loves daycare and playgroup, I've made sure he gets plenty of socialisation, and of course we hope he will have siblings. Would be lovely if he had an older, more mature person in his life. I've heard about 'adopt a grandparent' schemes, but none in Qld. I loved having my gran around & i think it's wonderful for children to have exposure to different generations.

 

I and to a certain extent we (husband and I) feel 'stuck in a rut' in Brisbane. Our lifestyle is much as it was in the UK, living the rate race out in suburbia, whereas at least in the UK we weren't isolated from friends and family, and when we look at it from that angle, we'd be better off in the UK. That said, the potential is there, outwith Brisbane, hopefully a move to a smaller community will be the change we need. Feeling a lot more positive than I did earlier, back to back illness from all the daycare bugs is taking it's toll.

 

A year off with pay certainly cannot be dismissed, to be honest I had never heard of that in Australia though. My company allowed up to a year off, but only paid for thirteen weeks and I understood that was generous as Australian companies go anyway. So you are fortunate in that case.

 

Your lifestyle comments make me wonder if you had some unrealistic expectations about the move? I don't think moving to Australia provides a different lifestyle. Most of us work in similar jobs, have similar hours and still have chores to do at the weekend. I loved my time in Australia and got what I wanted out of it, but on a day to day basis, I honestly don't think my lifestyle was any different.

[Nats]

I don't think our expectations are unrealistic at all. We've been here almost 6 years and wouldn't have remained here this long if we didn't feel the benefits outweighed negatives.

The lifestyle we experienced in Perth was worlds apart from the lifestyle we left behind in Glasgow. That said however, Perth was not entirely for us and I don't regret moving, we've travelled a fair bit within Australia and enjoyed lots of weekend breaks in other cities since being in Brisbane, we most likely wouldn't have done so had we remained in Perth.

I think everyone's experience is going to be different, just as everyone is seeking different things from life. Hands down, for me.. Australia offers a better quality of life.. if you can get by without needing family/ longing for home.

For the most part, right up until the birth of my son.. I never looked back. Having a child is a monumental, life changing event, be something wrong if it didn't 'change' things or cause some reassessment I would think.

[Nats]

And just to add.. my employer pays 14wks at full pay/28 wks half pay, that together with 18 wks govt PPL and holidays is 1yr. I feel very lucky to have had that time off with my little one. When work gets too much my husband asks me to reduce my hours but I feel it is worth it in the short term, to take the pressure off when #2 arrives, working on that atm, so hopefully won't be juggling shift work & childcare for too long.

[calNgary]

Moving around a lot in the time you have been in Australia probably hasnt helped on the friendship front. You can't make a good friendship in a few months so things like that do take time.

Do you organise or attend any play dates with your son with other kindy children and parents? This is how i met most of my 'now' good ,reliable, always there for me type friends, of course not everyone i have met has been my cup of tea but you need to get out and about and mix with others to meet people in the first place.

I really hope you can settle in an area and make friends soon as i can imagine its pretty tough when you have no support at all.

 

Cal x

[Marisawright]

Thanks for the feedback. I think I'm just hoping someone will come by and say it gets easier after the baby/toddler stage. We have discussed returning to Perth Bungo, but aside from the friends and lovely beaches, it didn't tick all our boxes. We want to add to our family (as if I'm not struggling already ha) so that means remaining with my employer and their PPL scheme, and I prob will hang around for long service leave too. I wouldn't rule it out down the track, but for now hoping a sea change & an au pair might do the trick.

 

 

My reaction to this: NOWHERE is going to tick ALL your boxes! Life is not like that, and nowhere is perfect. How important were the boxes that weren't ticked in Perth, really?

[JockinTas]

Crikey, I've lived in a lot of places and nowhere has ticked all my boxes. I don't think such a place exists.

[Guest]

And just to add.. my employer pays 14wks at full pay/28 wks half pay, that together with 18 wks govt PPL and holidays is 1yr. I feel very lucky to have had that time off with my little one. When work gets too much my husband asks me to reduce my hours but I feel it is worth it in the short term, to take the pressure off when #2 arrives, working on that atm, so hopefully won't be juggling shift work & childcare for too long.

Just for information for you in regards to ppl The government is currently preparing to make some changes to their ppl scheme. Changes will likely affect you in the future. In short if an employer has a ppl leave scheme you will no longer be allowed to claim the government ppl. Not through yet but it will in all likely hood get through.

[Nats]

Moving around a lot in the time you have been in Australia probably hasnt helped on the friendship front. You can't make a good friendship in a few months so things like that do take time.

Do you organise or attend any play dates with your son with other kindy children and parents? This is how i met most of my 'now' good ,reliable, always there for me type friends, of course not everyone i have met has been my cup of tea but you need to get out and about and mix with others to meet people in the first place.

I really hope you can settle in an area and make friends soon as i can imagine its pretty tough when you have no support at all.

 

Cal x

 

thanks Cal, I've started taking him to playgroup on my days off and have started chatting with some lovely mums. He's at a wonderful age now, very interactive and well, just easier. I found the 'baby' period very tricky. Just getting out the house in the mornings was difficult and therefore I was never a frequent attendee at mums group. Still keep in touch with some of the friends I made through mums group, but very sporadic due to Shiftwork. I am working on making more effort in this regard. I've been in Brisbane >3.5yrs, so long enough. I did have some really close friends here when we moved, one couple I went to school with and another through mutual friends. For various reasons they had to return home, and well I guess with having them around I never really felt much need to meet anyone else. They're amazed I'm still in Brisbane.

[Nats]

My reaction to this: NOWHERE is going to tick ALL your boxes! Life is not like that, and nowhere is perfect. How important were the boxes that weren't ticked in Perth, really?

 

Your absolutely right, and I don't think anywhere is perfect. My husband didn't enjoy living in Perth, it's a compromise.. I pushed for the move to Australia, so it was only fair that we gave Brisbane a go. We agreed on 6 months in Brisbane.. but here we are still.

[Nats]

Crikey, I've lived in a lot of places and nowhere has ticked all my boxes. I don't think such a place exists.

 

Me either Jock. But at least you've got to experience lots of different places, no harm in that either. I get caught out every time I come back on this forum by people who enjoy dissecting every turn of phrase and twisting words. Jesus, I came on for a bit of advice, heaven forbid some support.. and it becomes all about my misguided quest for utopia.

Right now and possibly never, Perth is not an option for us. Not solely based on what we feel Perth lacks, but on carefully measured decisions that will affect our future.

[Nats]

Just for information for you in regards to ppl The government is currently preparing to make some changes to their ppl scheme. Changes will likely affect you in the future. In short if an employer has a ppl leave scheme you will no longer be allowed to claim the government ppl. Not through yet but it will in all likely hood get through.

 

Yes I am aware, lots of discussion surrounding this at work, with many convinced the bill will never get passed. Regardless, 28weeks of half pay is fabulous and I feel very grateful to have an employer that offers such a scheme, so even if the govt does pull the ppl for people in receipt of employer ppl I still feel it's worth remaining with my employer and taking their ppl.

Thanks for highlighting that, I'd hate to mislead anyone into thinking they might be entitled to 1year mat pay and basing their financial decisions on that.

[Kimbodia]

I'm a mother to a 6 and 3 year old, in the UK. I know you mentioned along the lines of surely having your first child has a big impact. Anyway,I can imagine that is q huge part of what's going on for you right now. You mentioned not getting out and about so much with your child, that would likely be the same in the UK, well anywhere. I think you mentioned planning another child, I imagine your hormones are flying around and unsettling you no end. I'm not really offering any solution, just trying to say it's quite understandable that you're feeling unsettled. I'm planning on taking my 2 kids away from all their family but have questioned that if we went as a couple and became a family in Australia then I'd torture myself with depriving my children of their family and vice versa,due to personal circumstances I don't feel quite so strongly now.

 

I'm thinking that maybe you need to set yourself some goals, maybe for the next 6 months to a year go all out to make friends with other mums and young families where you are. At least you'll know you gave it your best shot.

[Marisawright]

Your absolutely right, and I don't think anywhere is perfect. My husband didn't enjoy living in Perth, it's a compromise.. I pushed for the move to Australia, so it was only fair that we gave Brisbane a go. We agreed on 6 months in Brisbane.. but here we are still.

 

If he didn't have to consider your feelings, what would he do?