starting out as a new family

[Guest Guest109139]

 

And just to add.. my employer pays 14wks at full pay/28 wks half pay, that together with 18 wks govt PPL and holidays is 1yr. I feel very lucky to have had that time off with my little one. When work gets too much my husband asks me to reduce my hours but I feel it is worth it in the short term, to take the pressure off when #2 arrives, working on that atm, so hopefully won't be juggling shift work & childcare for too long.

Don't wish to sound rude, but if you are struggling now with shift work and a toddler, I am not entirely sure how you will be coping with a toddler and a newborn without the support you desperately crave. And then when your 1 year maternity leave is up, then what are you going to do? Will you be returning to work, if you do, you will have two very small children in daycare and still having to do shift work. I completely understand as my husband and I were in the same situation as you are now, I returned to work when my daughter was 6 months old and I also had to do shifts and we had no support whatsoever. We moved back to the UK two months ago after 6 years in Perth for pretty much the same reasons as yours, we didn't dislike Australia, our lifestyle wasn't that much different to the UK, and in the end after weighing up everything, we decided that it was more important for us as a family and for the sake of our daughter that she grows up knowing her grandparents and other extended family than the Australian lifestyle. She's just had her 5th birthday with all her family surrounding her on her birthday for the first time in her life, and I can honestly tell you, it was the most beautiful day ever, I was so happy seeing her with her grandparents and they were so very happy to spend time with her and simple things like cuddles and kisses on her very special day.... priceless. I have no regrets moving back at all, for us it has been the right decision, and I also managed to get a job without having to do shift work which is a bonus, so it can be done. Good luck

[Nats]

Thanks Kimbodia. I always presumed having children in Australia as opposed to removing them from the UK would be easier, but it's not really the case. There's still guilt. I occasionally flirt with the idea of moving back to another part of Scotland, far enough away from family to live independently but close enough to visit every other weekend if we wanted. I would never have entertained this idea prior to having my son. Yesterday I was having a bad day and kind of regret posting now. On difficult days it's easy to assume everything would be so much easier if family were around to lend a helping hand. We desperately want to have a second child and this is part of the problem. We have wanted to move, within Australia, since before my son was born. In hindsight we should have done this whilst I was on maternity leave, instead we're aiming to do this if/when second child comes along. Every month I'm not pregnant is another month in limbo! Husband and I discussed this yesterday and have decided that I'm going to put in for a transfer at work and make the move now. I have an unrequited loyalty towards my employer or rather my boss that isn't healthy, and I'm sick week in, week out from trying to juggle everything, there is no flexibility. I was going to leave eventually so might as well just cut my losses now.

 

Marisawright, my husband doesn't want to and never has wanted to return to the UK until recently when I've been sick and he has to go to work and I still have a toddler to care for. He thinks it may be easier with family around. On the whole, he wants to stay here. We have discussed bringing his mum out for 3-6months if/when we have another baby and then enlisting the help of an au pair.

[Nats]

Thank you Voyager. I'm so glad everything has worked out well for you. Having my little one has opened my eyes to the possibility of moving home and an appreciation for what I've left behind so if we do decide to return in future, I won't be so begrudging of the decision. And it's made me really think about where and how I can make it work for us if we do return.

i don't plan on returning to work as many hours if I have a second child and indeed I don't plan on continuing with the work that I do.

[Kimbodia]

Hi Nats, I can well appreciate its hard having kids away from family, I don't think I came across right. I meant to say I think it must be so hard as perhaps the one time in my life I really valued my mother was in the early weeks of becoming a mother myself. I can appreciate the guilt too, its sort of what stopped me planning to emigrate for so many years. Though as time has gone on I've realised I've got to live the life I want for me, hubby and our children. Plus we have some strains with my family which mean we're not terribly close anyway.

 

From what you've said I think you're feeling a bit vulnerable at the moment, which isn't that surprising given your situation. You're not loving your work setup, sounds like you're feeling a bit frazzled with a toddler which is quite normal so its quite normal to question your situation.

 

My advice regarding considering the possibility of returning to Scotland is take things slowly, you say you'd never have considered this before you became a mother and your hubby isn't keen. I wonder if in a few years you may regret it, have you got citizenship? not such an issue if you have. You've mentioned the possibility of family interfering and you're not even back there. All families juggle their lives differently but despite having both families reasonably close by, we don't use either for much childcare at all. And life with toddlers in UK is just as demanding/exhausting as Aus. Just be careful you don't paint too rosey a picture of returning here and trick yourself. One last thing I'll say is the years of feeling like a harassed exhausted mother don't last forever, mine are 6 and 3 and I feel like I'm almost out of the fog of crazy toddler times with two lovely young ladies to look after, so it doesn't go on forever and flies by after they turn 2 I think. Good luck with your plans, I hope you take your time with them and really think through what needs to change to make life better for you all

[Nats]

Hi Nats, I can well appreciate its hard having kids away from family, I don't think I came across right. I meant to say I think it must be so hard as perhaps the one time in my life I really valued my mother was in the early weeks of becoming a mother myself. I can appreciate the guilt too, its sort of what stopped me planning to emigrate for so many years. Though as time has gone on I've realised I've got to live the life I want for me, hubby and our children. Plus we have some strains with my family which mean we're not terribly close anyway.

 

From what you've said I think you're feeling a bit vulnerable at the moment, which isn't that surprising given your situation. You're not loving your work setup, sounds like you're feeling a bit frazzled with a toddler which is quite normal so its quite normal to question your situation.

 

My advice regarding considering the possibility of returning to Scotland is take things slowly, you say you'd never have considered this before you became a mother and your hubby isn't keen. I wonder if in a few years you may regret it, have you got citizenship? not such an issue if you have. You've mentioned the possibility of family interfering and you're not even back there. All families juggle their lives differently but despite having both families reasonably close by, we don't use either for much childcare at all. And life with toddlers in UK is just as demanding/exhausting as Aus. Just be careful you don't paint too rosey a picture of returning here and trick yourself. One last thing I'll say is the years of feeling like a harassed exhausted mother don't last forever, mine are 6 and 3 and I feel like I'm almost out of the fog of crazy toddler times with two lovely young ladies to look after, so it doesn't go on forever and flies by after they turn 2 I think. Good luck with your plans, I hope you take your time with them and really think through what needs to change to make life better for you all

 

Thankyou. I needed to hear this. Like you we pushed ahead with our move to Australia despite the reservations of our family because we wanted to live our own life and even if we were at home we would still have our son in daycare. My relationship with my own mother is strained and I would never leave my son in her care, and I wouldn't want my mother-in-law raising my child either. My husband seems to think she'll come out for 3-6m when we have #2 but she has her own life in Scotland and 2 grandchildren there so I don't see that happening. I'm open to it.. but not depending on it. I took my son to Scotland , alone, when he was 7 months old to introduce him to family and received very little help then. My decision to Breastfeed and reluctance to feed my son processed and sugary food when introducing solids was met with lots of eye rolling. It was absolutely wonderful to be reunited with a few close friends I have to admit. They really looked out for me & I felt like myself when I was among them. Can't really replicate that here, perhaps in time, I'm already feeling things getting a little easier as my son becomes more independent and more able to understand things. So I really hope it's just a phase, then of course I'll have another before long , hopefully not as clingy as the first but at least I'll have a better idea what I'm doing lol. We do have our citizenship thankfully.

Thanks again, time to take this little bundle of energy to playgroup!

[bristolman]

Your absolutely right, and I don't think anywhere is perfect. My husband didn't enjoy living in Perth, it's a compromise.. I pushed for the move to Australia, so it was only fair that we gave Brisbane a go. We agreed on 6 months in Brisbane.. but here we are still.

 

Perth certainly wouldn't be somewhere I would live, the isolation alone would do it for me. You are going to have to come up with somewhere that you both feel comfortable in or you are just going to waste your lives being unhappy to be frank.

[starlight7]

I may be strange but I really don't get this extended family thing. Our extended family were all busy with their own lives and not particularly interested in our family - we only saw them at Christmas really and then it wasn't that good, we have different interests. Parents were interested of course but we didn't live near any of them when we were in the UK so basically we had to make our own lives and friends.Thought that was just part of growing up and leaving the nest?

[JockinTas]

I may be strange but I really don't get this extended family thing. Our extended family were all busy with their own lives and not particularly interested in our family - we only saw them at Christmas really and then it wasn't that good, we have different interests. Parents were interested of course but we didn't live near any of them when we were in the UK so basically we had to make our own lives and friends.Thought that was just part of growing up and leaving the nest?

 

Pretty much the same as my family. We lived too far away from any of them to see them regularly in the UK. Apart from my Mum, I didn't miss any of my family/extended family. My brother and sister travelled all over the world with their work so it was always wonderful when we did see each other again.