Had a baby - now time to move back?

[Indecisive]

Hi everyone,

This is my first time on this forum so sorry if this topic has come up before!

We moved to Aus 10 years ago. Husband loves it here, me not so much. I have always wanted to go home at some point for me it was just a matter of when. We now have a baby and for me the time feels right to make the move. I want her to grow up knowing her family and being around her grandparents, just as I did.

I also think there's a possibility with house prices the way they are that we could sell here and buy in the UK and be mortgage free - a massive pull factor!

For me there is nothing more important than family and I want to make the move while bubs is little and my grandparents can have quality time with her.

Problem is that my partner really does not want to go. He just doesn't feel the same way about family.

Just wonder whether anyone returned to the UK for similar reasons and are glad they did it. I'd love to hear some positive stories. All our friends both here and in the UK think we're insane for wanting to return to the UK!

And before anyone says it, yes, I realise it would have probably been a good idea for me and husband to have agreed this before having a baby :-)

Thanks!

[Quoll]

Uh oh, it's always tricky when one of you wants to go and the other doesn't!

 

I I wouldn't worry about those who say you're insane for wanting to move to UK, it's doing quite nicely and one first world country is much like any other thank goodness. Lots of happy kids and parents around here. Get your citizenship and have a 5 year view and see what happens. If it works you win but if it doesn't then you move on. My guess, though, is that your relationship is going to get rocky for a while with resentment from him if you make him move and resentment from you if he traps you there. Yes, the talk pre-baby would have been sensible but it's done now and maybe relationships counselling would help you both to hear and be heard with your current circumstances.

 

I will say that having got the t shirt for raising kids on the other side of the world away from family and friends is a tough gig and you have to be incredibly self sufficient. Both of my, now adult, sons have independently expressed their regret at our isolation as a little family. Even though we were quite happy at the time they have both partnered with girls from big extended families and they see what they missed out on growing up.

 

Good of luck with your decision and congratulations on your new arrival!

[Huggy75]

Hello Indecisive and welcome to the forum. My experience is that we have been in Australia 6 years and now have a 21 month old Son. My Husband and I both had the long discussions pre-pregnancy and felt that we were strong enough and happy enough to have a baby in Australia, however things changed for one reason or another (mainly health issues for me post-pregnancy) and we are now going home to the UK in 3 weeks time. We realised that we too wanted our Son to grow up with his grandparents and cousins etc, and that I need the extra support due to my illness. Yes, I think you are correct in that you could possibly be mortgage-free back there too, that's what our research is telling us also. Unfortunately I can't give any advice on what to do about your OH's reluctance as I feel very lucky in that my Husband is ready to go back home too. But I would say that a lot of talking, hopefully without arguing and weighing up the pros and cons would be the first step. Also, possibly take a holiday back there as a family to help your OH see how much family would help with the baby. Good luck with your decisions.

[Indecisive]

Hi Quoll, thanks for your comments. I think you're right - it is going to be difficult no matter what we decide to do as one of us is not going to be happy! I often talked about going back to the UK once I had a baby but I don't think it really sank in with hubby. He;s agreed that we can go back 'next year' but I suspect he's only agreed to that on the chance that between now and then I'll want to stay here.

Your comments about your sons are very interesting - how they view their isolation as a family. I grew up with a large extended family who I was very close to but my husband is an only child with no cousins that he is close to him.

I;m glad to hear lost of happy kids and parents there - we get a lot of negativity about the UK from our friends which certainly is not helping my cause!

[Indecisive]

Hi Huggy, Firstly, sorry to hear that you have health issues. Wow 3 weeks - not long! Great time to be heading back. I am quite envious that you and your husband are both on the same page with regards to going back, it must make it a lot more straightforward. Mortgage free would be great - are you selling property here in Aus and do you mind me asking which are in the UK you're going to?

[Huggy75]

Hi Huggy, Firstly, sorry to hear that you have health issues. Wow 3 weeks - not long! Great time to be heading back. I am quite envious that you and your husband are both on the same page with regards to going back, it must make it a lot more straightforward. Mortgage free would be great - are you selling property here in Aus and do you mind me asking which are in the UK you're going to?

 

Hi, yes I'm happy my husband is with me on this too although when I first told him he wasn't so sure (I was pregnant at the time so he thought it was my hormones), but he said at that time that if I still felt this strongly after we'd had the baby then we would move back. A trip back home last November cemented it for him too. So you never know, there is hope. We sold our house in May 2014 in preparation for the big decision - the house was too big for us to manage and was getting expensive living in the country. We are moving back to Halifax in West Yorkshire - not the most exciting place, but it's home for us and that's all that matters :-)

 

Take care xx

[VeepsMelb]

ME and my wife are also considering moving back to the UK. we will be able to apply for Citizenship in July and are possibly looking at moving back to the UK in April 2016. My wife and I have a 1 year old son and want him to grow up around his extended family, unfortunately our problem is that I have 2 other children from a previous relationship, that are aged 13 and 14 currently. they moved out here a year before we got here and being away from them was the hardest thing I've done. My wife is set on going back to the UK for a few years, so he can spent time with his aging grandparents etc. but I'm worried that I wont be there for the important teenage years with my older boys!!

 

Oh the dilemma!! I currently have the 13yr old living with me and think he wants to come back to the UK as well, but think hell would freeze over before his mother let him.

[kiwiathome]

Are you kidding?! You have done 10 years. Sainthood for you! I have done 7, and I thought I had earned steps on the stairway to heaven!

 

I am new to this forum as well, but not as new as you, so quite seasoned. I have had a few "I don't want to be here" last few days. You get them now and again.

 

What a fantastic situation you are in. You have lasted 10 years, you have a chance to do well "mortgage wise", you have a baby, how wonderful! Good on you!

 

You want to go home! That is what you imply! Don't second guess yourself, go for it. Return to UK. Simple. Hubby at end of day I am sure, will want what best

for you and bubs. This is my opinion, but UK soooooooo much better! Apologies to all the Ausi lovers, but we give and take here huh! Go for UK! fantastic to raise

a child! All the best. I am there in two and half years. :wink:

[kiwiathome]

VeepsMelb, sorry, but could you clarify a little your situation with your kids and wife??? Sounds like you need to talk, and we need to listen. Interested to hear what actually is going on,

and hope many can help. All the best. From the kiwi in aus, who wants to be in UK, (which is home). LOOOOONG STORY!. But always go where you want. Life is too short. And maybe

what we think are probs, aren't really. We just have to decide.

[Gbye grey sky]

Are you kidding?! You have done 10 years. Sainthood for you! I have done 7, and I thought I had earned steps on the stairway to heaven!

 

I am new to this forum as well, but not as new as you, so quite seasoned. I have had a few "I don't want to be here" last few days. You get them now and again.

 

What a fantastic situation you are in. You have lasted 10 years, you have a chance to do well "mortgage wise", you have a baby, how wonderful! Good on you!

 

You want to go home! That is what you imply! Don't second guess yourself, go for it. Return to UK. Simple. Hubby at end of day I am sure, will want what best

for you and bubs. This is my opinion, but UK soooooooo much better! Apologies to all the Ausi lovers, but we give and take here huh! Go for UK! fantastic to raise

a child! All the best. I am there in two and half years. :wink:

 

It is not necessarily simple. The husband has a say in this and he does have to agree.

 

But if work can be easily obtained in the UK and you are going to better off financially then it should be a relatively easy "sell".

[kiwiathome]

Maybe it is simple! and not actually even simple! she did 10 years! What is the saying "happy wife, happy life". Yes, we agree, it is an easy sell. I think in a lot of cases the wife sacrifices a lot!

 

But, yes, other side of coin, a good man does best for wife! You live in Surrey, how wonderful for you. You better off already! I would loooove to live in Surrey! one of places I am eyeing up actually!:wink:

[kiwiathome]

It is simple! How about everyone stands up and says what they really want out of life, and where they want to live!! with the demons of new age technology, (keeping teenagers safe on screens etc) does come freedom! Is

it really a big deal to sell, (garage sale), cancel out of school, (at least 12 weeks before authorities catch up with you!), book airfares, and go for your dreams!

 

It is not a big deal to change countries or schools these days. If you are changing because it is what you think best???? no harm. The world is easier now too trip around and find what works. Maybe always search for what

works. And don't settle! The world is our oyster!!!

[Quoll]

Sadly, it's only simple as long as one party doesn't say "you can't take the child out of Australia - then it really is the hardest thing in the world! I agree with you though - plenty of time to settle when you're dead.

[Gbye grey sky]

Maybe it is simple! and not actually even simple! she did 10 years! What is the saying "happy wife, happy life". Yes, we agree, it is an easy sell. I think in a lot of cases the wife sacrifices a lot!

 

But, yes, other side of coin, a good man does best for wife! You live in Surrey, how wonderful for you. You better off already! I would loooove to live in Surrey! one of places I am eyeing up actually!:wink:

 

Yes, Surrey has a lot going for it. You will need deep pockets though as too many people want to live here. The money we are getting for our modest little 1930s 3 bed semi-detached will be setting us up for potentially an early retirement in Queensland.

[kiwiathome]

What about a deal then? I would love your modest little 1930s 3 bed anyday, it is at least in England! We are renovators! Always getting big houses, doing up, and working our ar... off! Maybe you can swap to north Brisbane to our 5 bed house, v nice, but call me "housekeeper". !!:cute:

[LostMyWay]

Ah it's amazing how having children completely changes your priorities/outlook etc.

 

My HB and I are also planning to move back, hopefully in Nov. We have a 17month old and I am expecting my second in September. We moved back to UK in 2011 and to be honest it was the wrong time in our lives and we instantly regretted it(we moved back to start a family but weren't actually ready to start a family!) so we moved back to Aus within 7 months and I have been happy since....until I gave birth and the pull back to the UK has just grown stronger everyday. We made 2 trips back to UK last year and it just opened our eyes to what our daughter, parents and family, and we were missing out on! We have a very nice life here, we are both in well paid jobs and I am in a great position where I am able to work part time in a job that should be full time. My mothers group have been an absolute godsend however they also just remind me what I miss by having no family here! I am scared poopless of moving back because we failed once before and I worry about what we could lose financially if my husband cannot find work but we both agree UK is where we want to raise our children (much like we did in 2011).

 

I can't say I miss family support because I have no idea what that would actually be like - we might hate it after being independent for the last 5 years, but I want my children to have the same experiences both my hubby and I did and we both miss the country. Although financially we are very well off here, we will never afford to buy unless we move way out of the city which is just a geographical inconvenience, whereas our hometown house prices are much lower than the national average so we could be lucky enough to buy within a year or two of returning home.

 

Anyway sorry for the waffle, I just wanted to share my story to let you know you are not alone in your reasons for wanting to go back. I can't begin to imagine how you feel that your HB disagrees though. Can you take a trip home and maybe that will help to convince him? I think when he sees the support you will have there it might make him think about the bigger picture? Have you spoken to family about it back home?

[Indecisive]

Hi Veeps, what a dilemma indeed. All I can say is good luck with that decision, it makes it very complicated with the teenagers. I guess it makes my situation look pretty straightforward!

[Indecisive]

Hi LostMyWay! thanks for your comments. It does make me feel less weird that Im not the only one that feels like this. You see, all my friends here in Aus that have also come out from the UK and have kids are so settled and never want to go back, they think I'm insane!

You're right about property, in a lot of cases a move back from Aus to UK would make it a lot more affordable to buy. We're lucky in that we bought here a few years ago, in an area that (touch wood), is holding its value so we could sell here and hopefully buy in UK.

It's very difficult that hubby and I can't agree on this - I envy that you are your husband agree, if you both agree on then at least there can be no blame if it doesn't work out. I am so worried my husband will give in as he wants me to be happy but then he won't be happy himself and resent me for it. Very difficult!

[LostMyWay]

I am the first of my overseas friends to have a baby so in some respect it makes it hard for them to question our decision to return because they've no idea, and I don't think they will be having babies anytime soon! The sad fact is as well, since I had my daughter, I do not see they people anymore and rely heavily for support from my mums group, which as I said have been a godsend. But they are all Aussies and have their families and so really sympathise with my situation and understand why we want to go home, again making the decision easier!

 

My HB and I didn't alway agree, when we first moved here I knew straight away I'd left my heart in UK but he simply said no and forget it! We'd come here forever! Once he'd shut that door my homesickness grew and grew! I think about 3 months in (after I clearly wasn't going to shut up) he said we'd go back in 2 years if I didn't feel better about it. Once he'd told me we could go I started to settle! It was actually him who one day just said I'm done with Australia lets go! I was just starting our PR applications and moving home although was something I wanted, I wasn't finished with Australia. After about 2 weeks of him going on about UK and bigging up Xmas I very quickly found myself homesick and yearning again and boom 4 weeks later we'd sold everything, quit our jobs and were on the plane! We regretted it I think in the taxi on the way to Melbourne airport but by then it was too late! We were home just in time for Xmas and it was depressing! HB just would not shut up about Australia! I could have killed him! I managed to put my foot down for about 2 months telling him "no" and suggesting we have a baby first and see how we feel after that. But again he wore me down and we found ourselves back on a plane! I was thankful at the end of this that we had ping ponged because I finally felt happy in Australia. You won't be surprised to hear that as soon as we landed in Aus my HB was pining for UK again!! After all we'd gone through I just ignored him and refused to even entertain him! We discussed moving to Perth or Brisbane but I think Melbourne spoils a person, and although I have never actually liked Vic I don't imagine I could live anywhere else in Aus-strangely it has been my home for 5 years and I know and love/hate the place!

 

Anyway I managed to ignore HB for the next 2 years. He was awful through my pregnancy, all he talked about was moving home and I just couldn't understand why he wasn't more interested in our growing baby?! Then she was born and it hit me! And I've not wanted to be here since! Don't get me wrong, we manage being parents with minimal support, we have made good friends; in fact I'm probably more social now with a baby than before! But I don't want to just manage! For most of the part I don't really think about what I'm missing until times when she's ill (or we're all ill) or public holidays...at Easter I was trying to make plans to fill the 5 day week and asked my mums if they wanted to do something and they were all busy and again it reminded me "oh yeah, most regular people have plans with their families!" Before children I'djust spend the holidays in a drunken haze but that, surprisingly (!), doesn't happen so often now!! And now I am pregnant again it is a bigger reminder of what is missing, family not seeing my growing bump, not being there when he is born, even just having someone to help with my daughter when I am so so tired! I mean, I'm having to fly my sister out to be here for the birth so that I have someone to look after my daughter! This to me is just silly!!

 

Do you think your hubby will change his mind or is he set on staying? Although we have not always agreed, I do feel very lucky that we agree now and can't begin to imagine how hard this torn feeling must be for you! They're right for calling it homesickness because it is a sickness, that unfortunately for some there is no cure! I envy my overseas friends who have moved over and have no interest in returning, how freeing that must be for them! I do like my life here and if for some reason I was told I could not return it wouldn't be the worst thing, but I just cannot picture myself growing old here, and I certainly want to do it before the children get too old which will make the sickness even harder!

 

again sorry for the waffle!

[Gbye grey sky]

What about a deal then? I would love your modest little 1930s 3 bed anyday, it is at least in England! We are renovators! Always getting big houses, doing up, and working our ar... off! Maybe you can swap to north Brisbane to our 5 bed house, v nice, but call me "housekeeper". !!:cute:

 

Haha. It is actually a nice little house and we will miss it a little I am sure.

 

Actually moving to the Redlands area as our daughter has a place at Sheldon College there so North Brisbane will not work. To give you an idea we have an offer subject to contract well in excess of £400,000 for our 3 bed semi detached.

 

I am most definitely not a renovator! :cute:

[kiwiathome]

Oh that is so much money! I always hoped Escape to the Country was about the expensive houses and there is cheaper property over there! We'll with the exchange rate you will be able to set yourselves up v nicely here.

 

One of my old friends (not seen in a while - she moved from NZ) lives in the Redlands area, it's nice. Ohhhh we looked at Sheldon College, v good reputation! I think from memory we found it a bit expensive, but it

will give your daughter an excellent education. Congrats to your daughter.

[ramot]

Haha. It is actually a nice little house and we will miss it a little I am sure.

 

Actually moving to the Redlands area as our daughter has a place at Sheldon College there so North Brisbane will not work. To give you an idea we have an offer subject to contract well in excess of £400,000 for our 3 bed semi detached.

 

I am most definitely not a renovator! :cute:

 

i posted once that my son's 3 bed 1930's semi with a loft extension in Bristol was also well in excess of 400,000 pds. and was shot down in flames!

Many posters just don't realise the cost of housing in UK in popular areas these days.

 

There are many posts about how expensive Sydney housing is, and I'm not disagreeing, but our ex council property in the scummy end of Islington, is worth stupid money, so you have to compare like with like to get a realistic comparison.

[Indecisive]

Hi LostMyWay, No worries about the waffle! It's actually really interesting hearing your story. I agree that it must be very freeing for people who feel totally settled. I think that for the rest of my life I wont feel totally settled (first world problems, I know!!), knowing the life in the other country. I think I could talk for hours on the pros and cons of living in each country. Although I want to go back to the UK I certainly appreciate what Aus has to offer. But when we were younger living in Sydney certainly was amazing - all the amazing restaurants, out drinking and socialising all the time. All that stopped when we had bubs, and I'm not complaining but I guess your priorities change. Each time I say goodbye at the airport to the parents the pain gets worse and worse and now...seeing their faces as we leave with the baby is heartbreaking.

I realise we're in an extremely fortunate position in that we have dual passports so we do have the option to come back to Aus.

My mothers group has been similar for me - a great support group but they talk about their families a lot and it breaks my heart that my parents aren't seeing little one all the time and seeing her grow and change all the time.

I think hubby will go back to the UK if I keep carrying on about it, but like I say then I have to live with the fact that I've forced him to move away from a country he loves. I honestly don't know what the answer is, but for now I'm just making the most of being here, living by the beautiful ocean, drinking the good coffee :-)

We would hopefully go back to the countryside where our dogs can go on long walks - nowhere to walk dogs in Sydney!

Must be a struggle being so tired with pregnancy and having a little one to look after and no family to help out - not sure I could do it!!

[Quoll]

Something LostMyWay said really resonated with me - when my son was little my husband was a student working all sorts of silly hours so I was essentially a single mum in a foreign land and the holidays and weekends were the worst. I remember one bank holiday when I asked him what he'd like to do and he listed several of his friends and I commented that none would be free to play as they would all be with their families - out of the mouths of babes and all that his sharp as a whip answer - well why can't we be a family? So I dug his dad out of the library and we had a little picnic but had we had extended family around we would have been a family! Hence, I guess, my boys' sadness at having been familyless in their childhood.

[LostMyWay]

It's a funny thing with the public holidays because I'm sure if we were home and had to attend the obilgatory family dinners and stuff we'd soon get sick of it but there is just something missing from the holidays now we have a child! I mean we try hard to keep ourselves busy, which has been relatively easy with the weather (but winter in here and the rain puts a damper on most things!), but we find ourselves stuck between trying to keep really busy over a long weekend and feeling quite exhausted from it, and sitting in for 3+ days straight doing nothing! It's hard to stop yourself wondering what you would be doing if you were surrounded by family...probably just a roast at nan's and the Eastenders omnibus but that's enough to get my brain drooling!

 

We're hoping to be home in November, this will largely depend on how successful HB is in finding work this end, but I dread the thought of being here for Christmas with 2 children!! My daughters first Christmas here (albeit, she was only 2 weeks old) was horrible, I know hormones and baby blues probably didn't help, but it was, it was just horrible. We took her home last Christmas and it was one of the loveliest Christmases I've had, they say Christmas is for the kids but you don't realise how true that is until you have them!! I vowed then to never spend another Christmas in Aus but this year we may be doing just that !