Had a baby - now time to move back?

[NickyNook]

Hence, I guess, my boys' sadness at having been familyless in their childhood.

 

But your husband is Australian. And you've said many times that his family live in Ballarat. And you've also said many times that mixed couples from the UK/Australia should avoid living too close to the in-laws for some reason only obvious to you.

 

Seems like your children could very easily have had a family close by - if only you'd chosen to live closer to your in-laws. Or doesn't your husband's family count as a proper family? :confused:

[Quoll]

LOL my DH's family aren't really the family minded kind - they're all incredibly independent too and apart from Christmas they couldn't give a toss and even then most of them weren't around. Not a huge family by any means. My mob are much more family oriented - they even send birthday and Christmas cards and presents - his don't! (We did to them, every Christmas and birthday!) We certainly made the effort to get down there several times a year and the boys had big adventures going down for holidays. We were all independent so it made no odds at the time. Actually both boys acknowledge the difference between DHs family and mine and the comments were made with respect to their English family at the time.

 

I have had too many pms from (usually but not exclusively) women who have been lured back to their OH's stomping ground and found themselves very much on the outer because of the blokes just slipping back into their old lives with nowhere for their wives to fit in - the friends are all his, the family is all his, the place is all his and the implicit assumptions that because he knew everything that she did too - I still don't think that's healthy and when you see your mob being cut out of everything and his mob getting everything then it doesn't take much for resentment to set in, you only have to be a little bit hormonal for that to happen.

 

It's a vexed question - until they were adult I had no idea the boys felt that way and they have both partnered with girls from huge family oriented extended families which exacerbate the difference - I'm not saying that they want all that closeness (it is occasionally too stifling for a couple of very independent minded young men!) but perhaps more than they got when they were growing up. I certainly felt sad that they had those regrets but we didn't know at the time.

[ramot]

We are all different and cope with our circumstances in our own way. I know I am commenting on life as a service wife, not emigrating but we did get posted overseas, and had to cope with moving at least every 2 years.

I honestly don't think our 3 worried about the lack of family around, with a husband in the RAF, never living near any family. This was our life. Not much contact with grandparents, hardly ever saw cousins, our family unit was really the important thing, it made us a very strong unit. My husband worked weekends for one tour, and had to go on camp for the Easter and summer holidays. We just accepted it, we didn't live on base, so among neighbours who mostly had their family near.

I grew up with only 1 grandparent who lived in Cornwall, can hardly remember the few times I saw him, had no cousins as both parents were only children, that's life, but my husband had an enormous family, still saw very little of them. I don't have any answers but do you miss what you have never had, or do you accept it? I know it never bothered me, and my 3 have grown up pretty normal, and although we don't live near each other, 2 in Oz, 1 in UK + 2 grandchildren,

we are very close and in constant touch, love it when together, but accept the lives we have chosen.

 

All our backgrounds are different, some cope with no family around, some don't, but no point living a life of regret for the life you choose or chose, get on with it or over it, or change it if you can.

 

The main recurring theme on PIO for the years I have been on is posters, mainly mums, missing their mothers and family, so if family is such an important part of a potential immigrants life, then a lot of thought should given about feeling the loss, and perhaps reading posts on forums like PIO might help to prepare for the feeling of loss, and also help posters struggling that they are not alone.

[Southerner80]

Hi Indecisive, when reading your post it felt like you could have been writing about me! I have also been here 10 years with my husband and after the birth of my first child I had exactly the same feelings as you describe. 4 years on and I have had another baby and the longings for my family and friends in England are once again at the very forefront of my mind...

Similarily to you, my husband also has no interest in going back whatsoever.... He would I suspect, if I forced the issue, but I don't want him to resent me for it.

I don't have any advice as such for you, because I am in the very same position! but from someone who has felt this way for over 4 years all I can say is be honest. Be honest with yourself, and be totally honest with your husband no matter how hard that conversation is. Talk openly about your feelings and don't bottle them up - since talking with my husband I have already felt 100x better. There will be no easy outcome and it's hard when suddenly the dream life that you have been living is turned upside down by feelings you never expected prior to children. Something about having kids makes you re-evaluate and think deeply about family and the people you left behind.

Also, it's not easy when you have little family support and hardly any babysitting options!! Even harder with the second!

We have discussed a temporary return but it's difficult when property, businesses and schooling are involved. So much to consider and so much cost involved in a temporary move.

Please feel free to message me if you want to chat further... And keep smiling. It's easy to get bogged down thinking about it I know, especially when you can't see a solution. X