pominaus7 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I was with my partner for 4 years back in England, where we have both lived all our lives. I was relatively happy at home as i have a close family and was happy in my job. My partner however, had travelled aus before and came home due to a broken leg - which meant he could no longer work and wasnt coming home because he wanted to. This is when we met. To cut a long story short after 4 years, We decided to break up due to us both being young and not sure what we wanted and he moved to back Pertha few months later. Shortly after he moved, it really began to sink in with me that it was final and he had gone. We kept in touch regularly and before long, he asked me to come over. I booked a flight over to aus -which was a huge thing for me and came here 6 months later after quitting my job and selling everything. (I Booked a flight with a few stops off at differnt places so that if it didnt work out i wasnt stuck in Perth.) Originally I came on a working holiday visa and for just a year. I am now still in Perth nearly a year later, we are back together and in love, both permanent residents but I AM STRUGGLING so much to build a life over here FOR MYSELF. He however, is loving it, he came back here to meet friends that he met travelling and they now live here and intend to stay forever - so he has a very close group of friends that he has known for years! He has a great job that pays a fantastic wage. Hes also got into surfing. - which you can rarely do in the UK!! haha I have been from job to job, cant settle, miss home, forever comparing Perth to England. I really do think its great here - weather is amazing, lifestyle is so laid back. BUT ITS NOT HOME. I am due to go travelling in 2 weeks to complete the other stops on my flight so they dont go to waste... I have left it to the last minute because because I cant bare the thought of leaving him after coming over to be with him (didnt know it would work out). So basically, after my travels (lasting only 3 weeks), I go back to england. I was planning on coming back to perth after the visit but now I am starting to wonder whether this is a good idea....My partner got into a lot of debt when we broke up as he couldnt face it and was out with friends drinking at all oportunities. There is talk of us both coming home in Decemeber to settle (he will have paid his debt off as hes on a great wage here and possibly even have some savings to go back to england with). The problem is, he cant leave here due to this and if i stay im just constantly unhappy!! Its not healthy for either of us. DO I STAY IN ENGLAND WHEN I GO BACK?? (maybe keep a long distance relationship until december when he comes home??) OR MAYBE AFTER A VISIT AND SOME TIME APART I MIGHT APPRECIATE LIVING IN AUS FOR THE TIME I HAVE LEFT HERE (till decemeber). ANY advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I think the first thing to do is realise you only went to Australia to be with a person. Not because you wanted to go travelling, see the world or had any great desire to live in Aus. I think you have to want more than the person to be a successful migrant. Moving to a country to be with someone is always going to be hard as I maintain that both of you have to like (preferably love) where you live as otherwise, one of you might be miserable. You were happy in the UK, had your life, seem close to your family etc so really for me I'd say you will probably always want to be there. As to if you stay in Aus for a person, I don't know. I personally would not. But that is me. Nor would I expect him to return to make me happy if he loved Aus and didn't want to be in the UK. I think as hard as it is, I'd probably accept that life was not going to keep us together without a lot of unhappiness on one side and possibly resentment coming through. If its only the debt that is keeping him away from living in the UK and he wants to go back to live, fair enough. Roll on December. But it may be he is happy in Aus and long term in the UK isn't where he will be happy, even if he is with you (as you are finding out now while living in Aus) What does he want? Long distance till December isn't that long tbh. Some people cope better with it than others. I find it fine, managed over 2 years of it myself. But it can make or break couples I must admit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pominaus7 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 Great response. We need to be happy in ourselves for this work. I have said to him that I definately wouldnt want him coming back to the UK if it isnt what he wants. Iv also mentioned that maybe we just want differnt things and sometimes its unfortunate like that. He says, well I want to be with you so I will move back to the UK and see how i feel in decemeber. Its been 2 years since hes seen his family and friends in the UK so he maybe completelt suprised. Im just wondering whetehr to stay by his side until december and try to appreaciate life here because it will only be another 6 months or go home and be happy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuartpreece Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I think as hard as it is, I'd probably accept that life was not going to keep us together without a lot of unhappiness on one side and possibly resentment coming through. . Resentment is an interesting angle and one I’m experiencing. I’m Australian and my UK wife has grown to resent me greatly for her staying in Australia. I’ve certainly never held a gun to her head and she has chosen to stay with me and our young and growing family in Aus but as far as she is concerned, it’s my fault she is here (and homesick for the UK). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pominaus7 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 As someone who would rather be at home in the UK I can see your side too. I havnt been forced to stay here but iv stayed because I want to stick it out for the long run. I do enjoy it here but I find it so hard to adapt to life here cus i dont have CLOSE friends, a brilliant career. It would all come with time I imagine but i think my negative attitude is making this harder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pominaus7 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 maybe after a trip home to england I will see the advantages of being in aus and come back positive until december. I dont want to go all the way home, Him have to find somewhere to live again and then have to come back and start all over again. thats just more stress. My only concern is, if I come back... im just biding my time until decemeber and who knows if he will actually come back/be ready?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dxboz Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 If you do not want to give up on your relationship I would go and have your holiday and come back and see what happens in December - it's not that long to wait. If he changes his mind then about going back you can make a decision what you want to do at that stage Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pominaus7 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 I think it all comes down to sacrifice, I would sacrifice living here for now to be with him but he isnt willing to come home yet. I can understand why it must be hard from ur side with your wife basically blaming you for being here. I have done the same in the past but started to realise this is my life and i make my own choices. I just find it so hard to leave...knowing we love each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pominaus7 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 Thanks for your advice. I think it maybe a good idea to come back. Dont want to give up too soon and regret it after all this hard work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dxboz Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 As I said I wouldn't be making any big decisions now - go and enjoy your holiday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I think you should have a heart to heart now, not wait until December to see what happens. Perhaps you should see if you can make a pact over what you will do. Maybe you need to give it longer in Australia, as you don't seem unhappy, but if you are prepared to throw that into the of pact, he needs to be prepared to agree to come back after the agreed time if you are still unhappy. If either of you are not able to enter into such a pact, then perhaps this was not meant to be and maybe you would be better going your separate ways whilst you don't have children and it is relatively uncomplicated. I cannot agree with the sentiment that you would not want him to come back if he didn't want to. I would absolutely expect my OH to leave Australia if it were causing me depression and unhappiness and likewise I would do the same for him. If my OH were prepared to stand by and watch me cope with unhappiness and depression because of his personal preference then I would conclude that they do not love me enough. Somebody has to compromise and I do think that it is far more cruel to keep someone in a foreign land when they are unhappy away from everybody and everything they know, than to ask someone to return to their homeland. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pominaus7 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 So we had a heart to heart and agreed December. That is something to look forward to for me and gives me an indication that this relationship is very important to him or he wouldnt come back. However, after this discussion, we went out with friends and they asked what our plans were. I said were going back in decmeber and my parnter looked very awkward in the situation.. he then continued to say.. well Ashleigh (me) wants to go back in decemeber, im not sure. When i got back i was so mad after the pact we had made. He said he still will come but hes not sure how we feels about it. He cant tell him family either and when his mum called the other day she asked 'are you coming home in decemeber?? i just heard you were?' He just said 'i duno". I have to book my flight back to perth after iv been home.. I keep going to book but want to book a return as it is much better for the money. My partner cant commit to book the flight back with me yet because of 'money'.. hmmm this is why i havnt booked to come back yet. I leave perth in 2 weeks!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I'd say that you time away on your holiday will give you both time to think. Absence makes the heart grow....and all that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 So we had a heart to heart and agreed December. That is something to look forward to for me and gives me an indication that this relationship is very important to him or he wouldnt come back.However, after this discussion, we went out with friends and they asked what our plans were. I said were going back in decmeber and my parnter looked very awkward in the situation.. he then continued to say.. well Ashleigh (me) wants to go back in decemeber, im not sure. When i got back i was so mad after the pact we had made. He said he still will come but hes not sure how we feels about it. He cant tell him family either and when his mum called the other day she asked 'are you coming home in decemeber?? i just heard you were?' He just said 'i duno". I have to book my flight back to perth after iv been home.. I keep going to book but want to book a return as it is much better for the money. My partner cant commit to book the flight back with me yet because of 'money'.. hmmm this is why i havnt booked to come back yet. I leave perth in 2 weeks!!! So it really wasn't a pact at all then. The thing with a pact is that you both have to commit to it and further need to trust each other enough to know that they will not renege on it. It just doesn't seem like your relationship is on this level. Maybe you just want different things, I have to come back to maybe going your separate ways before it gets super complicated with children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pominaus7 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 This is what concerns me that i stick to my word every time but it wont tell if he does until decemeber. I dont want to sacrifice too much more time to find out he isnt coming home. he promises ME he is sticking to it but cant tell his friends or family. why is this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 he promises ME he is sticking to it but cant tell his friends or family. why is this? Fear of failure, being judged, male pride? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 This is what concerns me that i stick to my word every time but it wont tell if he does until decemeber. I dont want to sacrifice too much more time to find out he isnt coming home.he promises ME he is sticking to it but cant tell his friends or family. why is this? What was your pact though? Was it that you would give it to December so see if you feel any better by then? Or was it that you would stay here until December so long as he left with you then. If the former, well then I understand why he wouldn't at this stage be wanting to tell people you are leaving in December, because you might not be.. But if the latter, well then I would be very suspicious, because that was a definite plan to leave and if he is not prepared to say it, then I would guess he is not prepared to do it and is hoping you will change your mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pominaus7 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 Its the latter. Like one person posted, he knows im missing home and unhappy here but hes still staying regardless. so he knows I am looking forward to going home TOGETHER. When I try and talk to him about flights etc (because I need to get mine booked) he says.. why are we talking about this again. Iv said ill come home, what now?! I think being judged comes in to it a lot. He came over here single (seen as one of the lads). Then when I came, we fell back in love and I saw a change in him (differnt to what he was at home) - maybe a front infront of his new friends. I think you could be right about being a male and going home for a female. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 This is what it sounds like to me. Maybe the thought of him going home is failure or that hes going back in life. Who knows. I would just go ahead and book your flight to UK one way for december and see what he does. If he sticks to his word and joins you then alls good, if he doesnt then maybe you are better off without him...harsh i know Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I cannot agree with the sentiment that you would not want him to come back if he didn't want to. I would absolutely expect my OH to leave Australia if it were causing me depression and unhappiness and likewise I would do the same for him. If my OH were prepared to stand by and watch me cope with unhappiness and depression because of his personal preference then I would conclude that they do not love me enough. Somebody has to compromise and I do think that it is far more cruel to keep someone in a foreign land when they are unhappy away from everybody and everything they know, than to ask someone to return to their homeland. I think in your situation or mine, couples with kids or married, own a house together and the like, yes, agree with you. My feeling on the OP's situation though is that they are a couple yes, but they are not married (I don't think), don't have kids or things to complicate their situation massively and if he truly won't be happy in the UK or doesn't want to go and she isn't in Aus, then rethinking and realising that perhaps isn't a bad thing. Sometimes people just want different things and before going further down the commitment road they need to see if those things stack up or fall apart. My hubby and I had a heart to heart before we married and had a baby as we both needed to be sure we wanted to walk the same path as it were. Had we not, it would have ended our relationship as I would have wanted the chance to potentially meet someone who did want the same/similar in the future, not sit and slowly resent each him for having different needs/wants at that point in life and being pulled apart by it. He also deserved the chance to do as he needed. Thankfully, we were on the same page and here we are Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 My reading of this is that he is telling you what you want to hear (which obviously goes pear-shaped when with friends etc) but the reality is that he has no intention of going in December. He will maybe hope that you are either bluffing or you will change your mind. Understandable given that you have made the trip to be with him. He has made the promise to you under duress really. It is not the same as a pact freely entered into by both parties but more a way of pacifying you in the short term. IMO you will have to be where he wants to be if you want this relationship to last. I very much doubt this is something you will tolerate forever so you have a decision to make. You can stew over it over the next 6 months or so or make it now but either way I would stop keep making him agree to coming back in December as eventually he will just have to admit that he is not going to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I think in your situation or mine, couples with kids or married, own a house together and the like, yes, agree with you. My feeling on the OP's situation though is that they are a couple yes, but they are not married (I don't think), don't have kids or things to complicate their situation massively and if he truly won't be happy in the UK or doesn't want to go and she isn't in Aus, then rethinking and realising that perhaps isn't a bad thing. Sometimes people just want different things and before going further down the commitment road they need to see if those things stack up or fall apart. My hubby and I had a heart to heart before we married and had a baby as we both needed to be sure we wanted to walk the same path as it were. Had we not, it would have ended our relationship as I would have wanted the chance to potentially meet someone who did want the same/similar in the future, not sit and slowly resent each him for having different needs/wants at that point in life and being pulled apart by it. He also deserved the chance to do as he needed. Thankfully, we were on the same page and here we are Oh I agree, the situation is different. I have alluded a couple of times that maybe they need to accept they want different things and go their separate ways before it gets complicated. The making a pact to me is almost a test of the relationship, if they cannot do this and trust each other, then they have to question if the future is together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Its the latter. Like one person posted, he knows im missing home and unhappy here but hes still staying regardless. so he knows I am looking forward to going home TOGETHER.When I try and talk to him about flights etc (because I need to get mine booked) he says.. why are we talking about this again. Iv said ill come home, what now?! I think being judged comes in to it a lot. He came over here single (seen as one of the lads). Then when I came, we fell back in love and I saw a change in him (differnt to what he was at home) - maybe a front infront of his new friends. I think you could be right about being a male and going home for a female. The latter, so you have agreed to leave but he won't tell anyone or book flights. Hmm, I think you really do know what this means. It means he has no intention of leaving in December and is just hoping you will change your mind. But if you don't, he isn't coming back with you. I think you should have your holiday and then stay in UK. See what he does, then you really know where you stand, because the words and actions so far are incongruent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasepom Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I never wanted to go back myself and my wife pushed us to go and now we've split. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 It sounds like they were just the words he was mouthing to make you feel better. My guess is that come December the goal posts will have changed. The decision facing you is whether this is the chap you want to grow old beside and whether you are prepared to be the sacrificial lamb and not get all that you want out of life. If the answer is yes, he's the one! Then you roll with the punches I guess. You can't cuddle a country! Good luck with your decision! Look after number 1 because no one else is going to do it for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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