Torn

[meme78]

hi all- just another thread from an emotional and torn pom. I don't have anyone else to share with- my australian friends don't understand and unfortunately I am also friends with a lot of 'newbie' poms who are still in the honeymoon stage.

Been here 9 years on and off, have citizenship so very grateful- husband also a pom but moved here when young and feels no connection to the UK- the only time we gave it a go there he hated it. Child- only lived here.

I wont say i dont enjoy our lives here but it's funny how things change- now that i'm older I can see my parents ageing quickly and I don't think I could live with myself if i didn't spend time with them whilst they were still able to enjoy life. i always thought they would end up moving over but that's no longer going to happen as they have one child here, one there, and they will not choose one over the other etc- plus their lives are there.

we are not able to move until 2 years when my husbands work contract finishes and at least that's something- it forces us to stay whilst we think things through.

i am very fearful of life in the UK- I don't do winters, and last time I tried I ended up on anti depressants. I am also not used to life there anymore and last time i went for 6 weeks i felt like a complete outsider. i guess a lot of people feel like that and time makes that issue better. I also worry for my child's education- it's pretty good here and i only hear horror stories from my uk teacher friends and parents. i also worry my husband would struggle, although he does still have some close family there.

touch wood i have a job to go to (my job can be done anywhere) and we have a house here to fall back on.

i guess the dilemma is- is it worth doing so i can spend time with my family? we are close and i have learnt that friends move on (they really have and i no longer stay in touch with any really) but you only get one shot at being with family.

it's fear more than anything- life in the UK is so different to what we have here. but, i struggle often with some aspects of life here anyway. i used to love the heat but found this summer unbearable, nearly trod on a brown snake this week just near my house, struggle to feed our family on less than $280 a week and have always had a nagging sense of loneliness despite having friends and a family etc.

i know you may say 'go back for a while' but so worried it will be so expensive an exercise (we are on a moderate income) and we will all hate it etc- or at least, my child and husband will hate it. thanks for listening.

[HappyHeart]

Hi Meme. From what you have written it doesn't sound like you actually want to be in the UK. I think maybe you shoud focus on ways you can spend extended holidays with your family..either here or there instead if that's a possibility at all. I think its easy to see negatives when something in our personal life is niggling. You're right you only have one shot at being with family. Maybe you will go back...I wouldn't sever ties here if you do though as you may find you long to return when ageing parents have passed on. Your husband and child are the people you will spend the majority of your life with. What do they think?

[meme78]

thanks for your reply. I know i sounded negative about the UK, but i do really miss some aspects of life there. My child isn't really old enough to decide, although she does miss her grandparents and her only cousins are in the UK too. My husband said he would 'do it for me' but has no real love of the idea- the last time we went back he struggled to find work although since that time, he has new skills which would find him employment i'm sure. But, relationships have compromises and it's ok for him as all his immediate family are here. I never imagined we would be in such a dilemma, although it's not an immediate rush like i said. but each year i am so 'homesick' that it slays me for a good while- i know a lot of people feel like this. i guess we could go back for a few years, make the most of our time with family, europe, uk places etc, and leave our house here rented.

[jen85]

There are good and bad aspects to both countries that cannot be denied, you just must accept them for wherever you decide to live and make the best of it. If your family is that important to you then the other sacrifices can be made at least you have a "worst case scenario" view at the moment so you are forewarned. Bear in mind the UK is on the up and the winter is at its worst for a short time of year. Maybe somewhere else in the UK would be a better fresh start.

[meme78]

that's what im thinking- when we 'gave it a go' back in 2010 it was in full on recession mode but things are on the turn. we had no way to survive it back then either which really clouded our experience of it. it's true what someone else said, that you will always have Australia in your blood (it has altered me forever) and the UK will always seem different. but i'm hoping, not in a bad way. i long for a sense of belonging and you can never alter where you're from- esp as you get older and crave it more. we are so lucky. we can live in both. my job allows me to travel. fear is no reason not to do something either. the winter can be gotten through. both countries have things to offer and things which irritate. i'll try and make the most of wherever we are. kids adapt and who knows, we could get more out 'being back' than we thought. thanks.

[Wishful]

that's what im thinking- when we 'gave it a go' back in 2010 it was in full on recession mode but things are on the turn. we had no way to survive it back then either which really clouded our experience of it. it's true what someone else said, that you will always have Australia in your blood (it has altered me forever) and the UK will always seem different. but i'm hoping, not in a bad way. i long for a sense of belonging and you can never alter where you're from- esp as you get older and crave it more. we are so lucky. we can live in both. my job allows me to travel. fear is no reason not to do something either. the winter can be gotten through. both countries have things to offer and things which irritate. i'll try and make the most of wherever we are. kids adapt and who knows, we could get more out 'being back' than we thought. thanks.

 

My story is different BUT the feelings are the same , that sense of belonging is what I ache for , for what its worht here is what I have come up with and its far from perfect. My story is moved here when 18 , married an aussie had 2 kids ( now aged 14 and 16 ) divorced married childhood sweetheart from UK now happily married for 10 years. SO I have taken kids back twice , plan is to take then back in three years when finished school for 3 months and see what happens , worst case scenario I am going to buy a caravan in uk to give me that sense of permanency and go back every year for as short or long as can afford , I want to live there and plan to spend lot of my time there , hubby will go where I want ... . . . I know I cannot live out my life here. I truly have a lot of affection for Australia I really do its just not home x

[Addy]

Are your parents in the position to spend 6 months of the year in Australia and six months in the UK? That way they are treating both of their children equally and your husband gets to stay in Australia. Then when they are older maybe you can spend months at a time in the Uk with them? Obviously I don't know your full circumstances so don't know if this is possible.

[Quoll]

There's no magic answer really. Only you will know if your heart soars when you fly in over the Channel and it breaks when you find yourself on the plane out of Heathrow. As your parents get older I do think your priorities change - we are caring for my olds right now and although I love being in England (so that's a bonus) I know I couldn't have consigned them to their fate and stayed in Aus (only child!). I do feel like I belong here - even living with a bitter, dementia driven mother these have been the best couple of years for me but there are days and other things going on in my life where even I compare the bad of the here and now with the memory of the good bits I had in Aus (and I had grown to loathe being there - largely because of the aged parents and lack of belonging). Once you've been touched by the curse of the expat it never goes away!

 

I will say that my DH had no intention of ever living here again - he was sure he'd be depressed etc but he's having a great time, bless him! So you never know, your DH might suddenly discover something that grabs him! Don't burn any bridges and have an adventure if you can!

[Robarts Family]

Hi, I think you have to follow your heart and like Quoll said dont burn your bridges, don't see it as if you move you have to stay there forever if it isn't working. We moved back to the Uk 19 months ago after living in Oz for the same amount of time. We want to move back to Oz but fear the telling family, and extremely worried what if it doesn't work again. We have two young children, and thinking of there futures. I feel for them Australia will be better for them. That's not to say Uk is wrong but now I am back, with a lot of friends here and family, people move on and things are never the same when you have left. I think that's because we know what it is like to move on. It's lovely being with family but I have to think what's best for my little family now and feel its over there. Life is very very different here. Good luck with your decisions. x

[jen85]

I would say to anyone thinking Australia is a "better" life for their children, ask yourselves what it is that you think is better, lifestyle, careers. People have very successful and happy lives in the UK and being separated from family and growing up without that cannot be replaced and I wouldn't underestimate the effect it can have, I speak from experience.

[cheswick]

Hi,your story must ring true for so many ex pats....its a double edged sword being adventurous and willing to seek out a new life...how I`ve wished over the years that oz was closer to the Uk and not 20,000kms away but,maybe that was the attraction when we were younger??...anyway its going to be a tough decision..but for me,its all about where you feel happier and more settled...so good luck and all the best..

[Gbye grey sky]

Everybody's experience of family is different but when you do live in the same country as aged parents how many times do you see them, really. Do grandchildren see a visit to granny as a treat or a chore especially as the children and the granny gets older. If the grandparents could have an extended trip every other year you would probably spend more time with them overall than if they lived a one hour drive away in the UK. I would stay put based on what you have said here tbh.

[Quoll]

Everybody's experience of family is different but when you do live in the same country as aged parents how many times do you see them, really. Do grandchildren see a visit to granny as a treat or a chore especially as the children and the granny gets older. If the grandparents could have an extended trip every other year you would probably spend more time with them overall than if they lived a one hour drive away in the UK. I would stay put based on what you have said here tbh.

 

Not disagreeing with what you say with respect to relative time spent but I am intrigued that it is always the "they can come and visit you" bit that gets to me - I reckon that as the leaver it behoves you to do the visiting! Many older folk can't (for a whole range of reasons) or won't (for a whole range of reasons) trek to the other side of the world and back on a regular basis to see the grand kids.

For the ones that choose to do it, good for them but it means that they probably sacrifice other things on their bucket list to do so. If the leaver pays their fares then I suppose that would be ok.

 

I very seriously regret our decision to raise the kids in Australia. I sincerely believe that their lives would have been better where they had more contact with extended family - one has chosen to return to UK and has no intention of returning to Aus but the other has wasted his life and opportunities in Australia unfortunately. He may well have gone down a similar pathway in UK but I think not (lots of reasons)

[Gbye grey sky]

Not disagreeing with what you say with respect to relative time spent but I am intrigued that it is always the "they can come and visit you" bit that gets to me - I reckon that as the leaver it behoves you to do the visiting! Many older folk can't (for a whole range of reasons) or won't (for a whole range of reasons) trek to the other side of the world and back on a regular basis to see the grand kids.

For the ones that choose to do it, good for them but it means that they probably sacrifice other things on their bucket list to do so. If the leaver pays their fares then I suppose that would be ok.

 

I very seriously regret our decision to raise the kids in Australia. I sincerely believe that their lives would have been better where they had more contact with extended family - one has chosen to return to UK and has no intention of returning to Aus but the other has wasted his life and opportunities in Australia unfortunately. He may well have gone down a similar pathway in UK but I think not (lots of reasons)

 

I am making an assumption that the grandparents are retired and it is therefore easier for an extended trip. Also costs less for one or two people to fly than the whole family.

[fourcorners]

I am making an assumption that the grandparents are retired and it is therefore easier for an extended trip. Also costs less for one or two people to fly than the whole family.

 

So many older people don't like travelling or flying though. We are about to have our first baby and only my mum has expressed a desire to come and see the baby. Everyone else is waiting for us to go back to them (which usually isn't a holiday by the time you've trekked across the UK and back). We could afford to maybe pay for one set of parents to come and visit, but we have 3 sets thanks to various divorces, so how do you choose who to give tickets to? Or is the money better spent on getting us back to the UK and sacrificing both our own leave and the opportunity to see somewhere new in the southern hemisphere. Some would say that's the price an expat must pay, but when one of the reasons you came to Oz was to explore the world a bit more it kind of starts to defeat the point of being here.