Age old dilemma

[Guest km75]

As none of you know me, please post a very honest answer...

 

I am from the UK, my husband is Australian, we married in 2001 and have lived in the UK (2000-2003), Australia (2003-2008) and UK again from 2008 where we are currently.

 

We returned from Australia in 2008 so our children could get to know my parents and my sister and her family. We always planned to return to Australia in 2012. However in May 2012 my dad died suddenly, so we stayed, we successfully sold our house and moved to a rental property near my mum's to help her get over dad's passing and to be by close by. Fast forward on 18 months and my husband has been offered a job back in Australia and wants to take it - we'd go after Christmas.

 

Dilemma - could you leave your mum, mine is now 78, she is still very sad and lonely after dad passing. My sister lives about 20 minutes away.

 

I told mum on Monday we were going and she was reasonably ok about it. However my sister was horrid, and now they are both piling on the guilt.

 

Would you go, leave your mum? We always wanted to return and raise our kids in Australia (now 5 & 7).

 

Thanks xx

[Guest Guest26012]

I left my mum six years ago! She's not on her own though? We're heading back for her 80th in a few weeks. I think you have to think about you, your hubby and children. It's not easy to leave elderly relatives but in my case, my mum misses us but always says it's the best thing we have ever done and always wishes us well. Good luck.

[ali]

Like Mad Cow, I left my dad, the difference being he is on his own, of course he misses us and we miss him, but we're here with his urging and blessing to do what was right for us as a family.

[Guest Ptp113]

As none of you know me, please post a very honest answer...

 

I am from the UK, my husband is Australian, we married in 2001 and have lived in the UK (2000-2003), Australia (2003-2008) and UK again from 2008 where we are currently.

 

We returned from Australia in 2008 so our children could get to know my parents and my sister and her family. We always planned to return to Australia in 2012. However in May 2012 my dad died suddenly, so we stayed, we successfully sold our house and moved to a rental property near my mum's to help her get over dad's passing and to be by close by. Fast forward on 18 months and my husband has been offered a job back in Australia and wants to take it - we'd go after Christmas.

 

Dilemma - could you leave your mum, mine is now 78, she is still very sad and lonely after dad passing. My sister lives about 20 minutes away.

 

I told mum on Monday we were going and she was reasonably ok about it. However my sister was horrid, and now they are both piling on the guilt.

 

Would you go, leave your mum? We always wanted to return and raise our kids in Australia (now 5 & 7).

 

Thanks xx

 

Are you living your families life or somebody else's?

[xxlornaxx]

In that circumstance we wouldnt leave my mum..shes dun too much for us to walk away when she was widowed n needed us..she would never tell us that though...although my mum n dad were very close and married since they were 16 so it would b a big loss for her and not having us or grand kids around would hurt further and be another loss..we always say when/if that happens we would go back..no second thoughts..I was very privileged to have a fantastic mum and not everyone does so would like to repay that one day...problem is my mum would make out she was fine and didnt need us but honest answer we would stay..but very personal decision..no right or wrong

[BrownEyedGal]

Oh KM75, my heart skipped a beat there reading your dilemma. I wouldn't want to leave her but this is your dream and your family's.

 

Is there any chance she can come with you? Or can you make sure you have funds to regularly go back and visit? Your mum is still young and maybe staying with you all for some months can help her with grieving. Maybe worth a try?

 

I visit my family every year for a month or two.

[xxlornaxx]

If in a few years you are in your mums position..what would you advise your kids?

[Guest km75]

Thanks guys.

The thing is, she is a great mum, and that is why it is so hard to leave her. She has my sister close by, her husband and their two kids so she will not be alone, though to be honest, it doesn't make it any easier to leave at all. I am close to her and hate the thought of leaving her.

However, we do want to raise our children in Australia, and if we wait another five or ten years they'll be getting older, as will we, and therefore it almost feels like a now or never kind of thing...

I will go back every year, and we have offered to pay her flights out to visit, but she is not a fan of Australia (she's never been, but her sister emigrated many moons ago and my brother lives there too so she thinks Australia takes everyone she loves). She did not go to my brother's wedding in Australia (back in 1994) or visit for the birth of my first child in 2006, so there's no chance of getting her there now!

As to what I would advise my kids to do, I'd like to think I would tell them to do what they want to do - though I guess it's easier said than done, and same now...I'd love them not to leave me, but reality is they have dual citizenship so it is likely one at least will end up at the opposite side of the world to us.

I am now wishing my hubby never got offered the job so we wouldn't be in this situation, but the truth of the matter is we feel like we are treading water, and our life is on hold. I feel so terrible and selfish if we do go, though I truly believe it is what is the best for us as a family. Sometimes I even wish hubby was from the UK so we wouldn't be in this situation!!

I am feeling very stressed about the whole thing...

[Selah]

My heart goes out to you as not everyone understands the joys, blessings and challenges of being in a cross-cultural marriage! The reality is that one of you will always be 10,000 miles away from family or friends. At some time both of you will face the challenge of a death, illness or other family tragedy and quite probably that person will be in the "wrong" country. Have you ever noticed that being a parent breeds guilt (you're working, not working. too much time with kids or not enough) and ironically being the child also breeds guilt (spending too little time or too much...) There is a strong possibility that whichever you choose - you will still feel a certain amount of guilt - that you left or perhaps resentment that you stayed. Ultimately the choice is yours and I know my parents have always urged me to do what I thought was best for my nuclear family. I should explain that I'm a US citizen married to a Brit who has now emigrated to Australia so my parents have faced me being 3000 miles away for 13 years while we were in England prior to the past 4 being 11,000 away here in Australia.

 

Last January we had the opportunity to go to US for a few years and we went for a reccie. The greatest gift my mother gave to me was saying she didn't think it was right for us and we already decided it wasn't. It wasn't easy for her and she cried. Will I look back and wish we had gone? Perhaps. Do I wish we were closer so that my 3 children have the same relationship with them that my nieces and nephew have had? Yes, quite possibly. However, do I regret the lifestyle we had in the UK w/o them or here? No, I do not. I echo what someone else said. What will you say to your children? Because one of the gifts you are giving them is dual citizenship and therefore they will face the same issue. I am raising children with US, Australian and British Passports. I can GUARANTEE that I will be the parent left behind at some point. BUT I have promised them that I will encourage them to live where THEY want to because I want them to have the opportunities that we had to choose our own adventure. There will also be friends and family who don't agree. However, the only thing you can control is how YOU react - not how they do. Best of luck!

[fifi69]

Really feel for you.

 

there isn't a right or wrong answer...you can only do what feels right for you.

 

Im a only child and took the decision to leave my widowed mum. It's not easy but also being a mum, I know that I would never want my daughters to feel they couldn't go for the life they wanted because of me.

 

You will feel guilt but I would say stick with the plan...you may just have to become a regular jet setter

 

All the best

 

Fi xx

[BrownEyedGal]

The positives I see is that your mother has family near her - your sister and her family. She can talk with you via skype etc, letters, and you will visit for long periods at least once a year. Yes it's costly but it will be worth every penny.

 

Your mum also knows that she can always come out to see you and / or stay with you or other relatives.

 

It doesn't matter that your hubby got a job because you would have headed back for Oz anyway because you want the best for your children.

 

My mum never wanted me to be away but she wanted me to be happy and I think for you despite the grieving its what your mum wants for you too.

[Incata]

Your mum will never get over the loss of your Dad. Grief never goes, so if you decide to stay to help her through it, you will be here until she dies.

 

Go, live your lives. Your mum will survive. She can't be that fabulous if she refused to go to her own son's wedding or visit for the birth of your first child. I hate to be rude but that does not strike me as being much of a mum. I do not know any mum who would refuse to go to her own son's wedding, nor see her daughters first child. It strikes me as being very self centred.

 

Your sister is close enough to help her out.

 

Go now, while your children are young, or you never will. You can't put your life on hold for other people. When you were children, your parents made the best decisions they could at the time about what was best for them and best for you as a family. Now you have to do the same.

 

Good luck on your travels!

[xxlornaxx]

Sounds like u really want to go...I would hate to be in ur situation. ..but looks like many ppl make the decision to go n if you feel its the right thing then you need to do it...what would b the worst thing about staying? And what would you regret more? Maybe your mum got used to the fact that you would probably always b on the otherside of the world so is fine wth it. .mite b diferent if you were just springing it on her now n she'll hav your holidays to look forward to...I think I'd still stay though...what does your husband feel?

[Quoll]

Only child here and I went without a backward glance when they were young and healthy. However at nearly 90 no, there is no way on this earth that I will leave them. They have never expected me to care for them (in fact mum is angry that we think she needs caring for! She does!!!!) but if my being here gives them the last few years of their lives in their own home then I would be callous indeed not to provide that support for their independent living. Only you know how much you value your mum and how much your family means to her in her old age and also how your husbands family are coping in their old age. I can see why your sister would feel miffed - you swanning off to the other side of the world leaving her to care for an elderly mother is no picnic. However, if you have a better opportunity then I suppose you must take it but there is nothing inherently better about Australia for kids, just different. So maybe you could go for a few years then return when your mum really needs the support? Mixed marriages can be really challenging! Good luck with your decision.

 

edited to say - personally I find Skype worse than useless at maintaining a relationship with my grand kids (in Australia) and I am very tech savvy. For someone a bit technophobic it would be a waste of time and I have yet to hear that you can have a cuddle on Skype! In fact, non contact is probably easier across the board as little kids just don't "get it" and it's hard to be constantly reminded what you are missing out on.

[Petals]

I would probably go, its not like you are the only child. Provided that your mum is healthy there is no reason to believe that she will not continue to be so and she needs to find her own independence now. How do I know because I was widowed in June and its no walk in the park, however its also got nothing to do with whether children are near or not. I will never get over the loss of my oh as we had 40 years of marriage and lived for each other. Children have their own lives, mine came and spent time with me at the time he passed away but they have now returned to their lives and I was happy to be left on my own to get on with things and deal with it in my way. I am younger than your mum so I have a lot longer to go hopefully, but we never know.

 

My children are here but my son lives in a country town and my daughter lives up in the city so I do not see a lot of them and we email and phone just like we would if I was overseas. I fit into their lives as their mum but do not expect them to fit into mine.

 

My mum has been widowed for 23 years now and is 94 and still going strong. She lives alone is independent and has a carer that goes in every week. If I popped by clogs, my brother would not bother to do much for her, kids should not have to and she would be fine being looked after by the State.

 

I look at my life and I have spent since 2004 looking after family who are ill and its now my time. Maybe its your mum's time.

[Happy little Vegemite]

My heart goes out to you as not everyone understands the joys, blessings and challenges of being in a cross-cultural marriage! The reality is that one of you will always be 10,000 miles away from family or friends. At some time both of you will face the challenge of a death, illness or other family tragedy and quite probably that person will be in the "wrong" country. Have you ever noticed that being a parent breeds guilt (you're working, not working. too much time with kids or not enough) and ironically being the child also breeds guilt (spending too little time or too much...) There is a strong possibility that whichever you choose - you will still feel a certain amount of guilt - that you left or perhaps resentment that you stayed. Ultimately the choice is yours and I know my parents have always urged me to do what I thought was best for my nuclear family. I should explain that I'm a US citizen married to a Brit who has now emigrated to Australia so my parents have faced me being 3000 miles away for 13 years while we were in England prior to the past 4 being 11,000 away here in Australia.

 

Last January we had the opportunity to go to US for a few years and we went for a reccie. The greatest gift my mother gave to me was saying she didn't think it was right for us and we already decided it wasn't. It wasn't easy for her and she cried. Will I look back and wish we had gone? Perhaps. Do I wish we were closer so that my 3 children have the same relationship with them that my nieces and nephew have had? Yes, quite possibly. However, do I regret the lifestyle we had in the UK w/o them or here? No, I do not. I echo what someone else said. What will you say to your children? Because one of the gifts you are giving them is dual citizenship and therefore they will face the same issue. I am raising children with US, Australian and British Passports. I can GUARANTEE that I will be the parent left behind at some point. BUT I have promised them that I will encourage them to live where THEY want to because I want them to have the opportunities that we had to choose our own adventure. There will also be friends and family who don't agree. However, the only thing you can control is how YOU react - not how they do. Best of luck!

 

I absolutely agree with the sentiments of Selah, couldn't have said it any better!

 

I am Australian, married to a Brit, and lost my mum in Australia whilst I was living in England. This is something that I just have to live with, it doesn't go away but I don't feel guilty about it either, just sad sometimes. One of the kindest things that my Dad has since given to me is the knowledge that both he and my mum had come to terms with the fact that I probably wouldn't ever move back to Australia and were at peace with this idea. He is, of course, absolutely over the moon now that I have managed to convince my husband that it is time that we give Oz a go and are on our way over next year! When we come to the end of our five year plan and have to decide whether we stay or go when my Dad is another five years older I'm sure I will feel exactly the same as you do now. It sounds like you know what you have to do. It also sounds like you have your mum's blessing, maybe just not your sisters? Do what is right for you and your close family (by that I mean yourself, your husband and your children).

[MovingtoTasmania]

As none of you know me, please post a very honest answer...

 

I am from the UK, my husband is Australian, we married in 2001 and have lived in the UK (2000-2003), Australia (2003-2008) and UK again from 2008 where we are currently.

 

We returned from Australia in 2008 so our children could get to know my parents and my sister and her family. We always planned to return to Australia in 2012. However in May 2012 my dad died suddenly, so we stayed, we successfully sold our house and moved to a rental property near my mum's to help her get over dad's passing and to be by close by. Fast forward on 18 months and my husband has been offered a job back in Australia and wants to take it - we'd go after Christmas.

 

Dilemma - could you leave your mum, mine is now 78, she is still very sad and lonely after dad passing. My sister lives about 20 minutes away.

 

I told mum on Monday we were going and she was reasonably ok about it. However my sister was horrid, and now they are both piling on the guilt.

 

Would you go, leave your mum? We always wanted to return and raise our kids in Australia (now 5 & 7).

 

Thanks xx

 

No-one can you tell you what to do and reading your later post about how your mum wouldn't even visit for the wedding or birth of your child, I think that you know yourself that she's not going to be hopping on a plane at anytime. However, at 78, she's still relatively young (both my grandmothers lived to be late 80's and mid 90's respectively). What happens if your mum lives for another 20 years? Then where you will be. Your children won't have the upbringing that you would have wanted them to have and you will be miserable.

 

Parents have children knowing that the time that they will have with their child is brief because said child will grow up and become independent. This is not a big shock and yes, whilst it's heartbreaking when children don't want to be with us anymore, it's life. Your kids will grow up and want to leave home and what will do? Give them a guilt trip? Live your life for yourself, not your mum because you only get one shot.

[Guest km75]

Thank you all so much for your replies, advice and thoughts. It is a massive decision, but we've decided to go. I really hope mum lives to a ripe old age, and when she needs us in five or so years down the track we can review the situation again, we've talked about what things we could do when / if that eventuates.

Having lived in Australia for five years we believe the life we can offer the kids there is preferable to the one over here - I know not everyone agrees, and I know people say Australia has changed over the last five to ten years, but we were back at Easter and loved it so much and I think we know it's where we want to be.

My husband would stay if I asked him to, but the last thing I want is him (or even me) begin to resent mum - and if we stay we are only staying for her and we think that's the wrong reason.

I still feel sick at the thought, and my stomach is in knots. Mum gets it, but she just thinks it's unfair.

Thanks again, really appreciate your replies, as it's nice to hear your thoughts when you're not emotionally invested in the situation. Plus in real life, people tend to tell you what you want to hear, so my friends say oh yes I'd go, so they feel they are supporting me, whereas my mum's friends will say, oh that's so sad they're leaving etc.

Anyway, thanks, we'll go sometime between Christmas and New Years. x

[Guest km75]

I would probably go, its not like you are the only child. Provided that your mum is healthy there is no reason to believe that she will not continue to be so and she needs to find her own independence now. How do I know because I was widowed in June and its no walk in the park, however its also got nothing to do with whether children are near or not. I will never get over the loss of my oh as we had 40 years of marriage and lived for each other. Children have their own lives, mine came and spent time with me at the time he passed away but they have now returned to their lives and I was happy to be left on my own to get on with things and deal with it in my way. I am younger than your mum so I have a lot longer to go hopefully, but we never know.

 

My children are here but my son lives in a country town and my daughter lives up in the city so I do not see a lot of them and we email and phone just like we would if I was overseas. I fit into their lives as their mum but do not expect them to fit into mine.

 

My mum has been widowed for 23 years now and is 94 and still going strong. She lives alone is independent and has a carer that goes in every week. If I popped by clogs, my brother would not bother to do much for her, kids should not have to and she would be fine being looked after by the State.

 

I look at my life and I have spent since 2004 looking after family who are ill and its now my time. Maybe its your mum's time.

 

Thank you Petals, I am so sorry to hear you were widowed in June. Mum and dad were married for 51 years, and as you say she will never get over losing him. Thank you for your kind words, and I do hope in time, things get a little easier for you.

[Guest km75]

My heart goes out to you as not everyone understands the joys, blessings and challenges of being in a cross-cultural marriage! The reality is that one of you will always be 10,000 miles away from family or friends. At some time both of you will face the challenge of a death, illness or other family tragedy and quite probably that person will be in the "wrong" country. Have you ever noticed that being a parent breeds guilt (you're working, not working. too much time with kids or not enough) and ironically being the child also breeds guilt (spending too little time or too much...) There is a strong possibility that whichever you choose - you will still feel a certain amount of guilt - that you left or perhaps resentment that you stayed. Ultimately the choice is yours and I know my parents have always urged me to do what I thought was best for my nuclear family. I should explain that I'm a US citizen married to a Brit who has now emigrated to Australia so my parents have faced me being 3000 miles away for 13 years while we were in England prior to the past 4 being 11,000 away here in Australia.

 

Last January we had the opportunity to go to US for a few years and we went for a reccie. The greatest gift my mother gave to me was saying she didn't think it was right for us and we already decided it wasn't. It wasn't easy for her and she cried. Will I look back and wish we had gone? Perhaps. Do I wish we were closer so that my 3 children have the same relationship with them that my nieces and nephew have had? Yes, quite possibly. However, do I regret the lifestyle we had in the UK w/o them or here? No, I do not. I echo what someone else said. What will you say to your children? Because one of the gifts you are giving them is dual citizenship and therefore they will face the same issue. I am raising children with US, Australian and British Passports. I can GUARANTEE that I will be the parent left behind at some point. BUT I have promised them that I will encourage them to live where THEY want to because I want them to have the opportunities that we had to choose our own adventure. There will also be friends and family who don't agree. However, the only thing you can control is how YOU react - not how they do. Best of luck!

 

Thank you so much for your reply. You're so right, I can only control my reactions and actions and not those of mum or my sister, sadly almost one week on my sister won't speak to me, my mum, even though it affects her the most, is coping ok with it, my sister is making it all about her.

Where are you from in the US? Are you enjoying life in Aus? Whereabouts are you?

We told our boys today, the oldest (7) was so excited as he just loved our Easter trip, I know we are doing the right thing,,,