poochibabes Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 Hi Everyone Well we finally got our Visa approved yesterday and we have been on cloud nine since we thought we may have been knocked back due to my daughters previous heart condition (hole in the heart). Anyway to cut a long story short i'm really struggling with how my own mother is blowing hot and cold with me. She is constantly sniping about how we aren't thinking of our one year old daughter (i.e. she will be put into a new childcare place, taken away from her family etc). My mum even tried to play the card that we will be giving her a longer day in childcare but when I sat down and did the sums she will be in approximately 5 hours a week less in Brisbane than here in Manchester! She is obviously upset that we are going but is making me feel that we are being selfish and not thinking of my daugther. Err hello have you seen the economic climate in the UK? What about her future? What about the better outdoor weather (my daughter constantly catches cough's and cold's in the UK so SURELY the weather will be of benefit to her? I realise we are taking her away from people she knows but my OH is going to have the first 2 months off to slowly integrate her into the new childcare place without shoving her in full time. Plus she is 1 year's old and to be quite honest she does not give a monkey's about where she is as long as she can toddle off and play. She is absolutely not a clingy child and she can't wait for me to go when I drop her off at the childminder's here! Its really stressing me out and its almost making me want to get on the plane without saying goodbye to her! Anyone else in this situation? Louise xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freckleface Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 :hug: Sounds like she is going to miss you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Incata Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 HI My mother in law is being a bit of a nightmare. Her plan for our ideal future is to move 2 minutes down the road from her so she can pop in any time. That's my idea of hell, but still! I've overheard her ask my 3 year old why he wants to go and live in Australia when he will be leaving his mummy, daddy and brother behind. She told him he would be awfully lonely. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He then ran through to me and repeated the whole conversation. He told me he didn't want to go to Australia as he didn't want to go without mummy. I could have cried. How could she make my lovely little boy so sad, and how could he believe that his beloved grandma would tell him such an awful story? It took a lot of quiet talks to get him to understand that we are all going together. In the end we told him Grandma was being silly, which he seemed to accept. I however, wanted to rip her head off! On being challenged, she denied having said it. As a result, I am keeping the kids as far away from her as possible for as long as possible, to avoid them being upset by her. We've also not being telling her where we are with the visa process and just said it is ongoing. She is going to flip out with the next update, so that is going to be given by phone, by my husband. Stand by for eruptions from the South! Your little one will be fine when you are moving while she is so young. My husband is in the Armed Forces until later this year, and we were moved 4 times between the time my eldest was born and the time he was 16 months old (to where we have been for the last 2 years). At a year old he did not give a monkeys as long as we were all together. He got a bit upset seeing the packing boxes as he seemed to think my husband was going away, or he was going to be left, but as soon as I took him away from the situation and left my husband to the sorting out and packers, he was fine. For the last move, he came and saw the house the day before we moved in, and chose his bedroom and where his bed and toys were going to go. That seemed to make him happy. He missed one of his friends from playgroup (same age and they met up 3 times a week at the creche for a couple of hours), but he soon settled down once we joined some toddler groups here. My youngest will be 2 when we move (if all goes to plan, fingers crossed!) He is very different from my 3 year old in that he has not made any close friends, and the person he likes playing/fighting with most, is his elder brother. This also has something to do with the fact that there are no other little boys his age in the area, so we are not particularly anticipating any problems with him when we move. We think we may have some adjustment issues with the 3 year old but as soon as we find the local kangaroos, a swimming pool and nice play park he will be fine. He has however specified that he wants a pet kangaroo in the garden. Not quite sure how I'm going to provide that (it has been explained to him that they are wild animals and not kept as pets), but he is determined that we will have one in our garden. He always tells us 2 minutes before we drive into a police speed trap that there is one ahead, so his sixth sense may be working and we may well have a kangaroo in the garden, who knows! Suffice to say, you are not alone in having relatives who are upset about the move, and are looking at their best interests, rather than the best interests of the children. It is hard, and I can't offer any advice as I haven't solved it myself, but just wanted to let you know you are not alone on this one. If you do work out how to deal with it, let us know, I could do with the tips! Best wishes Carolyn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest63690 Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 Poochibabes and Carolyn, I appreciate that it is hard to deal with the raw emotions of your loved ones, especially when you probably have got plenty of your own to contend with. The point I wanted to make is that everyone deals with impending loss differently and for different reasons. If you watch the section on wanted down under, when the trialing family get to see their parents on video, some parents sit there dry eyed, reassuring their loved ones they will miss them but are happy for them, and others will openly share their pain. To be honest some parents might not feel the same pain as others, so its probably not fair to simply assume the dry eyed stoic parents are just self sacrificing heroes who are trying not to impose their hurt on their children, and the weeping parents are selfish horrible people who are only thinking of themselves. For example when my kids were small, I had a friend whose mum never wanted to babysit her grandchildren. She only saw them once a month at her daughters arrangement. My mum was always wanting to pop in, take the kids to the park, have them for sleepover etc. If my friend told her mum she was emigrating, she would probably have been one of the dry eyed 'stoic' parents, wishing her daughter well, while my mum would have wept and wailed and nashed her teeth, and given me a bloody hard time about it. I know which type of mum I would prefer. There are also other factors which make a difference, such as other children, if the parents are widowed, financial position (Good they can afford to hols in oz/ bad, they can't), fear of flying, closeness to you and grandchildren, value system (eg less materilaistic grandparents may not understand anyone emigrating for material gain), loneliness (some older parents have hundreds of friends/others hardly any), health issues, and so on forever and ever. So many variables that may make one parent take their children emigrating different to another. Now I am fortunate enough to know how absolutely wonderful it is to have your children and grandchildren live nearby, and how much joy that brings to my life. I also shower my grandchild with the love and attention my mum gave to my kids. I would be heart broken if they emigrated, though I hope I would not behave in a way I was ashamed of later. I also had a beloved nan living nearby when I was growing up, so I would feel sad for my grand daughter too. The cycle goes on. I am not saying all this so you will tolerate poor behaviour that affects your children, that should never be tolerated, but sometimes people in pain act in crazy ways, and I hope in time, when the dust settles, you will forgive them for not hiding their anguish from you. I hope this post makes some sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kapri Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 I don't think anyone, who loves their family member, will be happy to see them move to the other side of the world. We naturally want to be close to people we love, even if we're not in their pockets. I think it's harder for the ones left behind, as those going have the adventure to look forward to, plus it's their decision. I'm expecting both my mum and my husbands mum to be a bit upset. It won't change my decision though. I know a lot of posters say how selfish it is when families express their distress. It may be selfish but it's also understandable, IMO. What's not on though, is saying negative things to the children about the move. If any of my family members do this, I'll be having some very sharp words! I would just reassure her that you'll be in regular contact through Skype etc, and that you still love her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PomPomBuckley Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 I agree Kapri....whilst it is 100% understandable and acceptable that family will be upset and find it hard to deal with and process their emotions surrounding the move, it is completely unacceptable to play on the emotions of a child! They won't be finding themselves in any position to get any sympathy behaving like that. That is not excusable whatsoever and I would tell my own mother that. As parents they should understand how protective their children are of their own and only want the best for them in life. No one is saying relatives and friends aren't entitled to be upset, confused and emotional, this is a given in most cases whether it is displayed or not. But being downright and out devious and manipulative is really not on and such people will not be gaining any fans. I hope your move goes ok poochibabes and all the best for your new life down under :biggrin: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 Sounds like some sensible advice there OP!Unless you really dislike your own children,its natural to be/act upset when they announce they will be 10,000 miles away!No one in their right mind would be happy with that and its probably unreasonable to expect them to be,at the moment anyway.No one stops missing their loved ones.In time it may become easier for them to cope.Please to those that are moving away,be patient and don't get angry if they appear to be not themselves.You're naturally excited about the move,why expect them to be?They're the ones left behind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Incata Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 I understand fully that my mother-in-law will be upset and that she is hurt that we are planning to move so far away, and I have some sympathy for her. My father-in-law is the complete opposite and is quite excited about coming out to visit. Unlike many parents/relatives, she is retired and has the funds to come out and see us on a regular basis, which is a position many families are not lucky enough to be in. What I have a problem with, is her causing unnecessary pain to my 3 year old and telling him outright lies, just to try and make him not want to go. That's just mean. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dansi Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 Good advice from all perspectives here. My mum has expressed her feelings of sadness about our impending move but has said that we were not allowed to let that get in the way of our plans. One thing that I plan to do before we go is to start my youngest (8 years) who is probably closest to her, communicating via the web on a fairly regular basis. I'm hoping that this goes someway to alleviating the sadness. Plus when we get out there we will be looking for a place with extra rooms for frequent visits. Sorry I cannot offer any advice that could be of great help to you. I hope it all goes well. Regards Simon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JonnyNI Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 It's great to see that some other people are going through similar situations. I am finding it really tough because my mother is telling me to go on ahead and give it a go but I can see that she is really unhappy... She is pretty quiet with me and it doesn't help that I am hardly ever at home to talk things over with her. i work in the construction industry and to be honest if I got a FIFO job when I move over I would be working less hours and spending more time at home. Hard to believe but I think that some companies are really taking advantage of the situation and making you work crazy hours (every other weekend, Saturday and Sunday) and at least 12 hour days. Enough of the rant... I really feel bad for Mum as she obviously doesn't want to tell me how she is feeling because she doesn't want to hold me back. I can understand this completely but at the same time I wish we could just have a good chat and talk the whole thing through, even if a few tears are shed. On the other hand my OH's father keeps telling her not to go and he wants us to stay at home. Again I can see exactly where he is coming from but we will make it home now and again - hopefully once a year. Also, there is nothing stopping anybody coming out to visit us - everyone is more than welcome!! I know it is a long haul flight and not the cheapest to get to but hopefully some people will make it out!!! Good luck everyone, Jonny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 not an easy situation to be in, but you must follow your dream! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 Hi all. Im new to this forum but wanted to see whats being discussed and get a general feel for what to expect in the coming months as we plan to emigrate from suffolk in the Uk to the gold coast, QLD My mother too isn't keen on myself, my wife and our 2 boys Charlie (nearly 3) and Jack (9 weeks old) emigrating and although she isn't being off with me infact she doesnt even mention it....which on its own is annoying because it is such a big exciting thing for us and when we get any visa news I want to tell everyone but feel I cant/shouldnt tell her. Understandably she is gonna miss us and the grandchildren, she is especially close to our eldest and he adores her and my dad....thats gonna be a tough one! But recently 4 of my close friends died all in the same construction accident and since then she has adopted the attitude that we need to go and do this as lifes too short! I am now left with the dilema that yes, life is to short so I should do this and try it......but then I think life is too short, I should make the most of it with family and friends close by. I have gone off at a tangent and maybe this isnt on the the right thread but once I read the bit about the mother being frosty I could relate to it and then got carried away. Anyway, I loom forward to all the chat and threads on here and hope to pick up some useful tips and hints on the way, Thanks Dan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 It is really hard sometimes to let go of your children and I can understand what the parents must be going through. We had the same when we emigrated but we followed our hearts and did it anyway- all our parents were upset of course but at that time they were all still working and had their own lives. I guess if they had been old and frail it might have been a very different story. I think if you really listened to them and didn't actually go, there would always be a slight resentment on your part- and I am sure none of the parents would want that. We actually found our relationship with parents improved in some ways because we realised that we wouldn't be seeing them that often and we made the most of it when we did. Plus the phone calls etc ratcheted up a notch . The sad thing was the kids really- they effectively had no grandparents and as a grandparent now myself I know just how wonderful that relationshio can be. Pros and cons but I think the pros outweigh the cons( did for us anyway) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 At the end of the day,whats more important,people or places? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 Not that simple though- if it is the choice between an absolute dump with rellies and friends all around or a paradise with very few around- depends on your age and whether you will make new friends easily or not. Some of us like to travel around and don't mind being alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 Not as black and white as that Melza. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poochibabes Posted August 16, 2012 Author Share Posted August 16, 2012 hi everyone thank you for the replies. Well its two weeks today before we leave and after many attempts to arrange to meet up with my mum i've still not managed anything. I called her today (she still works 5 days a week) and said that i'd like to pop up with something for her but her reply was by text: no not today, I don't want people at work knowing as i'm upset about it enough without having to talk about it. I've also suggested another few dates but she is "busy" either looking after my sisters little boy or they are going round to her house. I know I shouldn't but I feel like she is trying to make me feel pushed out as I am leaving and avoiding me like the plague. Its really hard as my dad died years ago (my mother remarried) so I don't have another parent. To make matters worse my sister and I really don't get on and she is loving the fact that I am moving to the other side of the world - she is constantly stiring up trouble between me and my mum and is revelling in all the upset i've caused. Sorry for the rant - I am feeling quite low about it all. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest63690 Posted August 19, 2012 Share Posted August 19, 2012 hi everyone thank you for the replies. Well its two weeks today before we leave and after many attempts to arrange to meet up with my mum i've still not managed anything. I called her today (she still works 5 days a week) and said that i'd like to pop up with something for her but her reply was by text: no not today, I don't want people at work knowing as i'm upset about it enough without having to talk about it. I've also suggested another few dates but she is "busy" either looking after my sisters little boy or they are going round to her house. I know I shouldn't but I feel like she is trying to make me feel pushed out as I am leaving and avoiding me like the plague. Its really hard as my dad died years ago (my mother remarried) so I don't have another parent. To make matters worse my sister and I really don't get on and she is loving the fact that I am moving to the other side of the world - she is constantly stiring up trouble between me and my mum and is revelling in all the upset i've caused. Sorry for the rant - I am feeling quite low about it all. x Hi poochibabes. sorry I would have replied sooner, but I've been away. I just read your post and want to say I feel for you. It sounds like a very painful situation. It does sound like your mum might be trying to hurt you and though that is not very kind of her, as I said in my previous post, people grieving (and people start grieving the second they know someone is emigrating), act in crazy ways. but its usually temporary. She is hurting and hurt people lash out. Just take a deep breath and take ownership of your own behaviour. There is nothing you can do about your mums, (or your sisters for that matter). You are trying to show your mum you love her and want to spend time with her, and at least that way, you won't be the one with regrets that the last bit of time you had together was wasted. Please keep us posted how it goes. best wishes. Wronged. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaska Posted August 19, 2012 Share Posted August 19, 2012 hi everyone thank you for the replies. Well its two weeks today before we leave and after many attempts to arrange to meet up with my mum i've still not managed anything. I called her today (she still works 5 days a week) and said that i'd like to pop up with something for her but her reply was by text: no not today, I don't want people at work knowing as i'm upset about it enough without having to talk about it. I've also suggested another few dates but she is "busy" either looking after my sisters little boy or they are going round to her house. I know I shouldn't but I feel like she is trying to make me feel pushed out as I am leaving and avoiding me like the plague. Its really hard as my dad died years ago (my mother remarried) so I don't have another parent. To make matters worse my sister and I really don't get on and she is loving the fact that I am moving to the other side of the world - she is constantly stiring up trouble between me and my mum and is revelling in all the upset i've caused. Sorry for the rant - I am feeling quite low about it all. x It is really difficult. My parents were very similar and chose not to come to visit in the final few weeks. My sister didn't help matters at all either at the time. We are almost 6 months in QLD now and things are pretty good with them overall. They will never understand or be supportive as such, but they seem to accept it more now. They are hoping to come over before too long - health permitting as there has been a few issues since we left unfortunately. All I can say is to come over and see how you go. I've seen people on here say on here than it's better to come over and try and then go home, than to not take the chance and regret it when it's too late to do anything about it. It's a good way to look at it. PS Don't count on less coughs and colds etc though - especially for the first little while. Most expats I know have been really sick the first 6 months they have been here probably because it's all new bugs. We have thankfully been relatively unscathed so far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest36187 Posted August 19, 2012 Share Posted August 19, 2012 Everyone handles grief and loss differently. This is pretty much what losing a child overseas is. Grief and Loss. A chile is moving and parents have no idea when they will next see them. Its not like they will be able to nip round the corner for a coffee and a chat!!! Some parents can be ecstatic and happy for their kids but some wont. Maybe it is just me, but the fact that a parent is upset a child is leaving......doesnt that show how much they love them? They cant bear to lose them? WHen we left (2005) I was living my mums dream by coming here. She hated the fact that I was doing that. All that I could think of, was `if you cant live your dream, whats better than your kids living it for you and sharing it every step of the way?`. My mum didnt see it like this. Im sure there was probably an element of jealousy but she`ll never say that!!! (Sorry Mum!!! lol) We had so many emotions from different family members. None of it stopped us moving. Im a live my own life person and I knew that those left behind were fine. The one person for us that was th emost supportive....my Nanna who knew that I probably wouldnt see her again! Two ironic things happened after we moved.... Me being here enabled my mum to `live her dream!!!` All those that said `Dont know why you`re doing it?` now have visited and say `dont come back, we know why you did it` Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poochibabes Posted August 19, 2012 Author Share Posted August 19, 2012 Thanks for the wonderful replies everyone! I know you all understand on this forum. I went on my leaving do with all my girly mates last night and most of theM said if they had the opportunity they would go in a heartbeat. I guess as its the last couple of weeks that i'm starting to grieve myself and its being made twice as bad as my mum doesn't appear to want to see me but I'll maybe try again in a couple of days, we'll see. Its such biazzare behavior as she actually paid for our plane tickets a few weeks ago?! Its like I don't agree with you going but i'll pay for you to get on the plane! Strange! Anyway I'm keeping myself busy and maybe I should just wait for her to get in touch? I've tried a few times now and she has snubbed me so really the ball is in her court. I understand she is hurt but its not easy for me to leave all my friends and loved ones either and I need to think about my own family now as we have a young daughter. Despite all this upset I know deep down I still want to go. Like people have said if I don't go and try it I will be forever kicking myself and thinking what if and if I base that decision on how people are upset I will resent them. I'm quite apprehensive now but when I look on the web about brisbane related things it goes away and I look forward to it again! Thanks for all the support everyone its nice to know I can speak to others who have lived through it - my other half is alot stronger than me emotionally and I think he is getting a bit tired of me going over and over the situation lol! XX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Incata Posted August 21, 2012 Share Posted August 21, 2012 I thought I would give you a quick update about our situation. My mother in law has come round to the idea and has accepted it is happening. When my husband got a job offer she even said "Congratulations" and how pleased she was. I nearly fell off the chair! However, at least we now feel we can talk with her about it and she has warmed to the idea of having some nice holidays, which is great news! It just makes the time between now and when we leave that little bit easier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Longtime Lurker Posted August 21, 2012 Share Posted August 21, 2012 I thought I would give you a quick update about our situation. My mother in law has come round to the idea and has accepted it is happening. When my husband got a job offer she even said "Congratulations" and how pleased she was. I nearly fell off the chair! However, at least we now feel we can talk with her about it and she has warmed to the idea of having some nice holidays, which is great news! It just makes the time between now and when we leave that little bit easier. I am pleased she has come around - less stress for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poochibabes Posted August 24, 2012 Author Share Posted August 24, 2012 I'm glad your mother is coming around - sadly mine isn't! I waited 5 days for her to get in touch and nothing, so I rang her at work on Wednesday and again she was very frosty with me :-( I asked her if I would be seeing her before I went and she started telling me how busy she was and that my step dad isn't well blah blah blah. I got a bit annoyed as i've been trying and trying for the past few weeks and she just doesn't seem to want to see us or her grandaughter before we go. The call ended by her saying in quite a catty manner - happy packing! So I just calmly replied by saying well i'll see you if I see you. I'm devistated - my dad died years ago so this strange behavior from her is not making the trip any easier. But its funny because this isn't the first time she has acted in a ridiculous way - last year my daughter was seriously ill in hospital when they discovered she had 3 holes in her heart and she wasn't very supportive. It then transpired that she felt peeved as I hadn't formally invited her to the hospital! Clearly I had alot going on in my head at the time and to be honest I didn't think she needed formally inviting - family from my partner's side just turned up to support us but I had to chase her!! She seems to get her cheque book out no problems but when it comes to emotional support or something she doesn't agree with/or that doesn't suit her style she is nowhere to be seen. I'm just glad I didn't organise a massive leaving do as she probably wouldn't of turned up! X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest63690 Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 I'm devistated - my dad died years ago so this strange behavior from her is not making the trip any easier. But its funny because this isn't the first time she has acted in a ridiculous way - last year my daughter was seriously ill in hospital when they discovered she had 3 holes in her heart and she wasn't very supportive. It then transpired that she felt peeved as I hadn't formally invited her to the hospital! Clearly I had alot going on in my head at the time and to be honest I didn't think she needed formally inviting - family from my partner's side just turned up to support us but I had to chase her!! She seems to get her cheque book out no problems but when it comes to emotional support or something she doesn't agree with/or that doesn't suit her style she is nowhere to be seen. I'm just glad I didn't organise a massive leaving do as she probably wouldn't of turned up! X Hi Poochibabes, thanks for the update. I have been thinking of you. From your post, it sounds as if your mum might suffer with serious insecurity issues. People with insecurity issues need constant reassurance (such as invites to the hospital), which most people do not need. If I am right, then it is not surprising that your mum is behaving the way she is about you emigrating. for her it could represent the ultimate rejection. I feel for your mum, as being so insecure must be horrible for her, but what you have to realise, is these are your mums issues, and you mustn't be controlled by them. You are doing right to try to stay calm with your mum, as ironically she may be trying to get a rise out of you, to reassure herself that you do care. That is not a game you want to be getting into. Just hold in your heart the truth, which is that she loves you, and she is hurting, but does not have the emotional tools to know how to deal with it. Also that she may be a deeply insecure person, who is feeling rejected. At least if we understand our loved ones behavior, we may still find it hurtful, but we are less likely to get caught up in the drama, and focus on whats right for us. I wish you all the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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