BeckiNick Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 Hi guys Just seeking some general advice.. My partner and I are heading to America to meet up with my family..Im a pom ..partners aussie lived here for 3years.Meeting up with my mum,dad, brother and his partner.courtesy of my parents..I havent seen them all for 2 years ..anyway we have been engaged for a while and decided we would love a beach wedding so have planned to get married whilst in USA. We are not religious our wedding is not going to be anything spectacular...but we dont want to invite my partners parents ...we do not want them to take over my family thing..None of us have heaps of money so the plan was we get married with my family and on return have a big party with aussie friends and family...How do we go about telling his parents about this?? Do we just do it and tell them, keep it a secret, or have a dummy ceremony before we go...PS we are not as mean as this sounds we just want to get married! Thanks so much for your advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NowPerth Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 Congratulations My brother did a similar thing. He and his girlfriend went to the Bahamas and got married on the beach with a couple of strangers as witnesses. They told both sets of parents about a week before they left, and left messages telling their friends after they had gone. Parents took it quite well and accepted that it was their choice. It was obviously hurtful and disappointing for them, as no-one imagines ever missing their child's wedding. They never complained though or made it difficult. What might make it harder in your case is that it may look as though you are choosing one family over the other. It might drive a wedge between you and his family. Explain the reasons to them sympathetically, explain that is not any sort of a snub, and hope they take it well. It is your special day and it must be for the 2 of you to decide what you would like and stick to your guns. Just be prepared for what the consequences may be. It will depend very much on what his family are like and what sort of relationship they have. Good luck with your plans and make sure you enjoy every moment of your wedding day and that you can really treasure it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckiNick Posted March 3, 2012 Author Share Posted March 3, 2012 Thanks so much for your reply...I also forgot to mention that my partners brother had the massive white wedding ....so they have seen one son and my brothers gay so they will never see that wedding lol! ahhh decisions ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freckleface Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 If your parents are going to be at your wedding I think it would be cruel of you not to invite your partners parents. I also wouldn't think much of your partner if he went along with your plan. Think how you might feel one day if one of your children did this to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckiNick Posted March 3, 2012 Author Share Posted March 3, 2012 Thanks freckle face appreciate the honesty ...we arent evil..promise Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NowPerth Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 and my brothers gay so they will never see that wedding lol! Don't be so sure. Gay weddings can be so much bigger and more flamboyant, and major parties. :biggrin: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freckleface Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 Not saying you are evil. However - if my daughter in law, who I love very much, had invited her parents to hers and my sons wedding but not my husband and I it would have killed me. I wouldn't have said anything but I would have been crushed and it would have adversely impacted our relationship. I just think you need to think very, very carefully. Also, does your partner want to exclude his parents? Will he regret it later and hold it against you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckiNick Posted March 3, 2012 Author Share Posted March 3, 2012 I guess I only saw it from my perspective...He doesnt really mind he isnt extremely close but I think its more that we dont see it as a big thing so we expect everyone to see it that way! I think we will get married at registry with his parents..then fly out and get vow renewal in USA...at least that way no one is left out. Thanks so much for the advice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freckleface Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 Good luck with your plans - which ever way you go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freesia Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 I guess I only saw it from my perspective...He doesnt really mind he isnt extremely close but I think its more that we dont see it as a big thing so we expect everyone to see it that way! I think we will get married at registry with his parents..then fly out and get vow renewal in USA...at least that way no one is left out. Thanks so much for the advice That's exactly what I was about to suggest- I think you're right to consider a small ceremony they can be a part of- plus maybe you can do the party thing & invite friends who won't be on the holiday/honeymoon with you....like FF says you are almost bound to upset your in-laws otherwise..& you don't want to go there do you??:err: seriously I know how I'd feel if one of my children didn't invite me to their wedding- not sure I'd ever get over it!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 I guess I only saw it from my perspective...He doesnt really mind he isnt extremely close but I think its more that we dont see it as a big thing so we expect everyone to see it that way! I think we will get married at registry with his parents..then fly out and get vow renewal in USA...at least that way no one is left out. Thanks so much for the advice A sound compromise. If you are not religious you can just go through the the Aus marriage bit with minimal fuss and have the party when you get back from your holiday. Perhaps just go out to dinner with his parents or something afterwards, or a breakfast or picnic somewhere. But I'd save the party for when you get back if you plan the main ceremony to be in the US. Otherwise it makes having the registrars thing a bit more high profile and gives it much more meaning, when you want the meaning to be the US ceremony more. FWIW we married without telling any of my husbands Aus family or inviting any of them over to the UK. We had a very small registrars office wedding with only my parents and two friends invited. It was all done in 10 minutes. Then we went home, took our dogs for a walk over the moor and that was pretty much it. We sent postcards to his Aus parents when we went on a belated honeymoon and said it wasn't just a holiday, but our honeymoon and we were now married. Didn't mention we had married some months earlier but that had to come out later of course. To say some of his family were peed off is an understatement. Mostly the female ones but his brother wasn't happy either. His dad was fine with it. Took them a fair while to get over it. They are mostly past it now but I know my MIL still hurts over it. It wasn't I didn't want to invite them or anything like that. In fact, I was happy if he wanted to invite his family or just his parents but left the decision to him. I felt it was only fair he decide as I felt he needed to be the one to do so. I hadn't met most of his family at this point so thought he was better placed to decide. And he didn't want to. Wasn't that he didn't care or isn't close to them, but he felt them flying halfway round the world for a 10 minute ceremony in a registrars office really wasn't something he could justify. Personally I think as you are going to be in Aus and then going to see your family in the US then you should tell them and you'll have a registrars ceremony there if they want to attend that is, before you go then great. If not you'll be able to save it all for the US. When you tell them they may say don't worry about the registrars in Aus and them going along. They might not but you never know. But at least the fact you've included them somewhere at some point will have been done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 I'm with the others - I would feel really p*ssed off if one of my kids invited the inlaws but didnt invite me to their wedding. Either no one or everyone. I am sort of hoping that my unmarried son does get married and have told them that I am happy for them to elope but would be mighty miffed if the other mother got an invite and I didnt. Interestingly - when we got married (in UK, Aussie DH) we, of course, invited all of DH's family but they chose not to come, just sending one brother. I dont think my m-i-l ever got over not being there - a normally very mild mannered woman she launched into a diatribe at my aunt and uncle who were at our wedding, saying it wasnt fair that they were there and she wasnt! You never can tell what people will do/think. Hope you have a fabulous day whichever way you do it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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