zephyr Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Hi to you all, This forum has been a fabulous source for me during my time planning and subsequently moving to Oz. I spent a lot of time reading other members stories in the Moving Back to UK section to give myself a balanced view of life as an expat on the other side of the world. I'm posting in this section because I'm at a very low point and would really appreciate other peoples advice. I applied to emigrate to Oz as a single woman with lots of enthusiasm and dreams of a better future for myself. I then went on to meet the love of my life which threw a spanner in the works regarding staying in the UK or moving out here. Over time it was evident we wanted to be together and so the move to Oz became our dream. As you will all know - getting on the emigration rollercoaster is not for the faint hearted and the whole process of getting our visa's took 3 years. During that time we suffered a miscarriage and because age isn't on my side we couldn't afford to wait until we arrived in Oz before we started trying for another baby. 3 months before we were due to move we found out we were expecting!! At this point we felt we owed it to ourselves and to our future baby to move and set up a new life on the other side of the world, god knows it had taken over our whole life and the idea of not going after everything we'd been through seemd crazy. We arrived when I was 3 months pregnant so I found it hard to get work but OH found a job straight away and everything else fell into place, we loved it. Our gorgeous baby boy was born healthy and is a joy to be around. I have got a good social life as a mum with other mums and bubs so do get out and about regulalrly. Ever since he was born though I've had tremendous feelings of homesickness and panic that we have made a big mistake moving here and leaving family behind now that we have a family of our own. I worry that we have taken our son away from his family and won't have the chance to develop relationships with them, at least not regular, everyday kind of relationships. Suddenly the reason's we moved here don't seem relevant anymore and the circumstances in which we made our decision to move here have completely changed. We would like to try for another baby soon as the same age issue is ever present and I'm worried the feelings will just get worse if we have another baby. I'm not even sure I could go through a pregnancy with a toddler by myself, especially feeling like this. I wonder if it would be better for us to go back to the UK then try again for a baby as the support I feel I am missing out on is there. I feel like I am going mad. OH doesn't want to go back to the UK but will if absolutely necessary and I'm now in a position where I can see the benefits of being back in England near family. We have been here a year and I'm frightened of making the move back and then regretting it. I'd be grateful of any advice, I'm just going round in circles....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Pom Queen Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Welcome to the forum. I think you will find a lot of people in your situation. I know money can be tight but could you arrange to go back to the UK for a holiday and see if you still feel the same about moving back? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 A visit to your doctor might be a good first step - you may need to get your post baby hormones all sorted before you make big decisions but if you arent self sufficient and selfish enough to do it all in Aus by yourselves then, yes, a move to a good support network is probably going to be the best thing for you. You may be able to get a mental health plan which would see you get some counselling which might help you work through your issues rather than going around in circles with them. We did it alone with our kids and, as adults, both my boys have independently commented on the isolation of our small family as they have partnered with girls with huge extended family/social networks (I think the boys are overwhelmed by them TBH) but I dont think it did them any harm. I wont say it was easy but it was do-able if you think that Australia is where your best options lie. Your kids are going to have a fabulous childhood in either place as long as they have happy parents. Good luck, being a mum on her own on the other side of the world is not easy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sally04 Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Hi, sorry you're feeling homesick. It's really tough being out here without family to lend a hand. We have a 22 month old and after being here since April 2007 are considering a move back in 2013 for the reasons you state. May be worth seeing if family plan to visit as my elderly parents have visited twice since our daughter was born and they are no jet setters! These visits can really help break up the year until you have made a decision on where to base yourselves. We have part funded trips out for family as works out cheaper than us visiting them! The way we cope and stay sane (!) is by having an ongoing two yr plans so there is always a review of being here in Oz. So we have planned a trip back this yr and have also commited to making a decision re returning to england more permanently by Christmas. Prior to this our plan included getting citizenship which we have now done. This was v important as daughter is an Aussie and we wanted to ensure we also had the flexibility to return here if we did decide to return to England whilst she is growing up. Economics also play a part for us - if you are in a decent job out here then you could see it as a way to build up some funds for a yr or so. It's a tough call, and I totally understand your situation sometimes all I want is to be able to pop round to my mums for a cuppa and I can't do that.. Good luck with everything! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2tigers Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Hi and welcome to the forum I don't have much time right now but couldn't read and run...... Firstly, I think you need to get your strength back in yourself, its really tough being a mum - even if you do have support of family around; so what your experiencing is huge. I would do as Quoll suggested and visit the Dr, your hormones could be really playing you up and could lead you into depression. Sounds like you have been through a lot over the recent years, miscarriage and relocation, its absolutely huge, so what your feeling is pretty normal I would say! We are allowed to wobble ya know! Its no good trying to make a decision when your thoughts are lead by emotion and are so polarised, you may regret your decisions if you make them without a clear mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zephyr Posted January 31, 2012 Author Share Posted January 31, 2012 Yes a trip to the GP sounds like a good idea, counselling may help and I'm willing to give that a go. I'm not too sure about a visit back as in this frame of mind I'd be frightened I wouldn't want to get on the plane back here...maybe an option for the future though. Family have said they will visit us this year although as yet have not made any concrete plans, perhaps I could work on pushing them on that front as I appreciate that would help and be something positive to focus on. Thanks to you all for taking the time to read my post and make a comment, and to remind me that being a mum is hard work!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunshine111 Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Just to echo the sentiments of Quoll and others on here, about speaking to someone. Probably one of the most challenging roles ever, being a Mum. Can you seek out other mums in the same boat, e.g new babies/young families/no family support. Get out to as many playgroups as you can. Maybe something you could do is create a mums group for those without family in the area. Arrange a meet at a hall, put flyers up in the library/health clinic etc... think you'll be surprised how many people there are out there. Also, nag the family to come out for a visit, thats always good to see a famliar face. On the flip side, questions to ask yourself..... If you dont have family in Oz, do you have enough of a support network of other mums/neighbours etc if you have baby no.2? Would that be enough support? if not, how could you create more? (as per above set up your own group?) Can you see yourself in Oz in 2 yrs, 5 yrs, 10 yrs? Why did you leave the UK? Is there a part of the UK you would consider that is similar-ish to the things you like in Oz at mo? Could you research to find out? Biggest thing I would say is ensure you maintain contact with family/friends from UK, don't become a stranger to them. Even if they dont bother as much as you, because if you ever did return to the UK (and never say never) it makes things a heck of alot easier to re-connect. We were away from the UK for 10 yrs, lived in different places & never planned to return and over time become detached from life and people in the Uk. Left as a couple, for a better life and then after baby no.2 was born everything changed for us and we started doing lots of soulsearching about our future and found that our priorities had changed, our outlook and at that stage in our life (us and x2 young kids under 5 yrs, with all family in the Uk_ our live in Perth didnt fit anymore. Also, 10 yrs is a long time to be away and we kind of felt it had run its course so to speak.... Great adventure but next chapter.... We've been back to the Uk for 6 months, different area to the one we left, different outlook but is almost like emmigrating again, because we are trying to re-connect with family, pick up with old friendships and for the most part make new ones. It is quite challenging but truth is, coming home was the right move for us, before things got too complicated and through the kids, the option to return was no longer possible. You got a bit of time, not saying you are going to return but I would seriously think about putting together a template/plan for the... "if we did return" a contingency plan if you like (then file it away somewhere safe!) Hypothetically, where would you move to? work etc? expectations? The reason I say that is, that once we decided to move home, we were in desperate homesickness mode and probably one of the lowest points in our lives, so with x2 kids etc in tow, we had to renovate and try and work out where would we move in the UK, what did we want etc... and all this within 6 mths of deciding. Basically we overstayed and added alot of unecessarry stress and pressure on our selves. Good luck with whatever you decide. Just to re-literate you can have a good life in both countries - you just got to workout a list of what your priorities are and what you want and which country can meet them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ROO101 Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Hi there, I read you post and know exactly what you mean. I am on the verge of splitting from my partner and one of the reasons is the fact that he wants to start a family out here and I can't bear the thought of doing that without my family around me. I am not as homesick as I was when I first arrived by I think I have just been keeping my head down at work and not doing to much thinking about the important things. I can appreciate how hard it is being a new mum out here, obviously your priorities have changed so much since you gave birth and part of being a mum is to worry constantly! Follow your heart and wherever it takes you your partner and baby will be right there with you. You can never really make the wrong choice in these situations because there will always be pros and cons to wherever you are in the world so do whatever makes you and your family the happiest. Life really is too short to have regrets. Talk to your partner and have a proper heart to heart to get everything out into the open. If you are in Perth anywhere I can look after your little one for you (I am a qualified childcarer!) and you can go out for a nice meal together and work out the best way forward. Good luck with whatever you decide, you deserve to be happy. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kirsty M Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 I've been through and am still going through some of the same feelings as you at the moment. One big difference though, is it was never a great dream of mine to come to Oz. I came out on a WHV and it just spiralled as I met my husband here (also a Brit). Living here as a couple was great, we had a fantastic busy social life in Sydney, but with a view to starting a family we moved to Melbourne almost three years ago. I'm now a mum of a 14 month old son and I'm pregnant again with bub no.2. Since my first pregnancy, I've been plauged with bouts of terrible homesickness. I've had another bout recently during the first trimester of my pregnancy. I was in a similar situation, where my age was the primary factor in having another baby quickly. I was keen for a small age gap anyway, but my age was the main concern. As I mentioned the first trimester was the hardest, you are so tired, I had terrible sickness and I think the panic set in about handling two babies without any support. Now that I am feeling physically better, this panic has lifted and I'm feeling a lot more positive about it. I think it has helped me immensely that my mum will be coming out for 2 or 3 months when I have the baby, so I will have her support for the hardest part. Having children has changed my priorities, I don't know why we struggle here by ourselves when we could move back to the UK. I suppose the state of the Uk economy is the biggest hurdle. We are looking at moving back next year but we are still waiting to see what the next year brings. Given that you were so keen to get over here, I hope that you give it some more time before you decide to head back. I honestly know how you feel, but things might fall into place. I might think about putting my son into day care 1 or 2 days a week in prearation for baby no.2 arriving, as this would give me some time to spend with the new baby and take the pressure off. I also think my son would like a bit more social interaction now. He is a whirlwind of activity. Best of luck with everything, it's not easy juggling homesickness and new mummy emotions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zephyr Posted February 1, 2012 Author Share Posted February 1, 2012 Thankyou to you all, lots to think about and I like the idea of a contingency plan. Acknowledging I am having a problem with my feelings has made a huge difference and knowing I'm not the only one out here feeling this way makes me feel much less isolated. Kirsty M congratulations on your pregnancy and the best of luck to you. ROO101 I'm sorry to hear you and your partner are splitting up, I am in Perth (NOR) maybe we could meet up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennlx Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 I know this may not help - but I am from Oz, living in the UK and have a very energetic 20 month old boy and a three week old baby and no family around. It is hard work indeed! I thought number 2 would be a doddle - I'd been there before - but it's completely different and so much more overwhelming to try and keep them both happy. At the moment, every afternoon has been spent with my son sitting in front of CBeebies while I frantically try to keep my daughter from shrieking hysterically (my son never cried so all a bit of a shock to the system!). I would LOVE to have family around for support. I realise that it's early days and know things will improve, but it would be nice to have family to give my poor son the attention I can't give him at the moment (and give me a 5 minute break to wash my hair! ). Best of luck to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alia p Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 Can totally relate to everything you are saying! Been here 5 yrs and had many ups and downs, but now with 2 little ones, we re desperate for more support and for our children to have relationships with grandparents etc. also going round in circles and feel like trying to make this decision is consuming our lives. I'm also in perth, NOR, so if you fancy meeting up let me know. Although I have made some great friends, no one really seems to understand our situation. Theres been lots of good advice on here thou! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zephyr Posted February 1, 2012 Author Share Posted February 1, 2012 Alia p I have pm'd you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zephyr Posted February 1, 2012 Author Share Posted February 1, 2012 Thank you, best of luck to you too :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest timike Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 HI there, first time I am answering a forum, but just wanted to let you know, I understand how you feel, but so many have been through this and you never know how things will work out, unless you give it a try. I live in the US currently, far away from family and only had my parents fly out here for 3 weeks-would have loved more, but mom had things going on at work... Ever since then I have not had any help, but my fiancee's and even though it is hard, making a phone call, or using SKYPE helps a lot.Also, finding friends is a great thing to do, not to feel left alone. As for the part, how to deal with a second pregnancy with a toddler, not having family to help...We are hoping to get to OZ soon in the future, so for us it is also an issue, even further from family and starting out with no friends.. It is going to be tough, but if the second one comes along, then, let it come. Hopefully y then I have made some good friends, who are willing to help-parents are too old to travel, so either friends' or no help at all. And as far I the response from people on this site.. AMAZING!!! THANK YOU FOR BEING THIS HELPFUL !But be strong, I know you can do it!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest coldtootsies Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 i agree with the others -having a baby is a huuuge thing (especially ur first) what i will say though is be carefull moving home for others to form a relationship with ur child.... i moved across the country when my first born was 2 weeks old because i WANTED him and my family to have a relationship and i just *knew* i couldnt cope without their help... well the relationship is there however the family really hasnt lived up to MY expectations of grandparents/aunts/uncles... i had visions of great big extended family things but reality has been disappointing.. and now i have three children they have seriously lost interest lol! so anyway what i am trying to say is there are pros and cons and u should choose where to live based on whereu wanna end up bringing the child/ren up rather than basing the decision on what u think would be nice for now and ur expectations of what others will be like when u live closer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunshine111 Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 i agree with the others -having a baby is a huuuge thing (especially ur first) what i will say though is be carefull moving home for others to form a relationship with ur child.... i moved across the country when my first born was 2 weeks old because i WANTED him and my family to have a relationship and i just *knew* i couldnt cope without their help... well the relationship is there however the family really hasnt lived up to MY expectations of grandparents/aunts/uncles... i had visions of great big extended family things but reality has been disappointing.. and now i have three children they have seriously lost interest lol! so anyway what i am trying to say is there are pros and cons and u should choose where to live based on whereu wanna end up bringing the child/ren up rather than basing the decision on what u think would be nice for now and ur expectations of what others will be like when u live closer just to add, this is a very good point. I think if we had returned to the Uk purely for that reason we too would have been disappointed. We had lots of other reasons for returning and decided to chose an area in the UK that we thought would be right for us as a family and within an hour from extended family members in any direction. Initially, we wondered whether we should have moved nearer to at least one of our extended family members (tho' we werent keen on where they all lived, as was a bit towny for us and in some parts expensive, so felt we would be compromising as having lived in Nz & Oz was used to the open space.) We did lots of research on areas before we returned and decided on a place that actually got us excited about moving back & I think has been the key. Not easy with x2 little uns because in some ways it has been like emmigrating and starting all over again but for us we can see ourselves here long term and I think that was what was missing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TheSally Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 We did it alone with our kids and, as adults, both my boys have independently commented on the isolation of our small family as they have partnered with girls with huge extended family/social networks (I think the boys are overwhelmed by them TBH) but I dont think it did them any harm. My parents came here when I was 3 and so it has always been them, me and my sister. My husband's family is the same as his parents came over just before he was born. I have always missed having an extended family to grow up with, no cousins or grand parents... For us a family 'do' means no more than 14 people (four of those are our children!!) but when we went over in 2009 we arranged to meet up with our families in two separate dinners. Both times we were overwhelmed by how many people we were related to in the room. We have decided to take a chance and move over to the uk to get to know our families better. It's like it opened our eyes to how much we'd missed out on and we don't want our children to grow up without extended family. Thats just my experience though, everyone's different, good luck with your decision..it's a hard one. Cal x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest CheeseCake Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 Hi I am in the same situation, but reversed! I am in the UK but want to move back home to Australia hopefully before we have another one as I too feel like I could do with the help and feel as though I am missing out on so much 'family time'. I also look at this section to see if I can balance out my reasons for wanting to go home versus staying here in the UK. We live in London, have great jobs, a house etc, my husband's family don't live in the UK but close enough. It's a hard decision because even though we have all these great things here... I don't have my family! And I think if you get along well with your mum you feel like you need her more when you become a mum yourself? Our plan is to stay for at least another 12 months, then reassess how I feel, (as my husband is very supportive of my desire to go home). I think what I'm trying to say is, that it is hard to make the jump, from either here to there, or there to here. We've set ourselves up in the UK and feel like we'll have to start all over again - which we will, and that is scary, especially when you have children. I tell my husband all the time just because we move home to Australia, it doesn't have to be forever, and for me if I didn't have a child and want another one soon, I wouldn't even be contemplating the move home yet. But having children changes everything! I can't offer you any advice (or I should take it myself!) but just wanted you to know that you're not alone in your 'what's the best thing for us' question. The UK is a great place, as is Australia. For all the negative I read here about Australia I could give the same back about the UK. And for all the 'how great is Australia' comments, I could ramble off 100's too about the UK. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zephyr Posted February 8, 2012 Author Share Posted February 8, 2012 Reading everyone's comments has been a great help and comfort. I feel better for having got it 'off my chest' although the mist still hasn't cleared I feel better able to deal with these confusing feelings. Thanks to you all. And to those in a similar sitiuation - good luck with making your decision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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