10 Year Old not settling

[Popsicle]

My 10 year old is not settling at all and is currently putting me through the ringer:cry:

 

We have been here 6 months now and teachers telling me not settling at school, says has no friends, has been getting bullied, which school is dealing with!

 

Doesn't want to be here, can now only see the bad in Oz and the good in UK.

 

Now starting to reject all things Australia.

 

This is the child that wanted to come.

 

Is counselling the answer?????

 

Anyone any similar experiences, any idea how to handle it, strategies etc etc.

 

I think I am handling it very badly but I do not know what to do :arghh::arghh::arghh:

[The Stewarts]

This might not be the answer for you guys but we went through similar with our eldest (12). She didnt like the school or the area (turned out we were not too hot on it either) we were renting in when we first went to Aus (Wynhdam Vale, Melbourne) and we took the decision to move to another area (ended up in Torquay) and put her to another school. It was the best thing we could have done, she settled into the new school and made some great friends in a matter of a week and she never looked back, totally different girl once we moved. Was costly but well worth it. We have a younger daughter as well and this made it a hard decision as she had settled into the first school and made friends but when she went to the new school she thought this school was much better as well and made friends stright away.

 

Hope your little one settles soon, if you are anything like we were at the time you guys wont be able to settle either and it causes such a lot of upset for the other family members as well.

 

Take care and good luck. x

[Daffod1lly]

Where are you? I have a 9 year old and while he has been so excited and keen, the wobbles are creeping in! Natural and expected .... I know, but that doesn't make it easier to deal with! It pulls at the heart strings ...... Hope you're okay and things settle a little soon :yes:

[Quoll]

I dont know where you are, but your school may have a school counsellor which would be a good place to start. I'm not sure that counselling per se is the answer but giving him some skills and doing a bit of social engineering may be helpful.

 

Moving schools can sometimes be the answer if you feel that there is a real bullying scenario going on. At least the school is listening to you and trying to do something about it

 

This is going to sound harsh but you may have to try not to let him see that his behaviour is upsetting you - he may well have worked out that this is the way to get your attention and, sure, it may not be a wonderful experience for him but you arent going to change your minds and go back just because he isnt happy. You can try sitting him down and laying it straight on the line - this is life and you have a choice, you can either sit there and be as miserable as sin or you can get on with it, that's up to you. Now we cant be there with you 24/7 and we arent going back so what 3 things can you do which will make life better for you (sensible and safe suggestions)? Then stop the conversation - dont argue, wallow or rationalize or give him ideas, he needs to know that he can come up with ideas of his own. Then next time he is unhappy about being there, stop the wallowing instantly and say "sorry you feel that way, now, which of your 3 things did you try?" "Did they work? oh dear, tell me something else you could try" then stop the conversation and move on. You need to do this for a few weeks, consistently and if, at the end of that time, you still have the overt misery then revisit the thought of counselling.

 

It will probably only take the formation of one good friendship to get him over the hump so be on the look out for kids who have similar interests - sport, geeky stuff, drama etc and if such a friendship blossoms and it isnt with a kid in the same school then consider moving schools.

 

Lastly, at 10 he is old enough to have a solo trip to UK to stay with rellies offered as a carrot if you can afford it - a whole term of acceptance and apparent enjoyment then you get a trip home to see grandma perhaps.

 

:hug: it is really hard to see your kid doing it tough and for some kids this isnt their dream but at the end of the day they have to stick it out and get on with it (unless, of course, he is reflecting the feelings of some of the adults in the house).

 

If he wants to talk to someone about it, give him permission to talk to Kidshelp line Kids Helpline - 1800 55 1800 and allow him the freedom to do that in private if he wants to.

[Petals]

Changing schools is often a good idea. Also if he is interested in sport join a tennis club, cricket club, baseball club then he can make friends with similar interests and it builds confidence. Soccer clubs too.

 

Having some tennis lessons, golf lessons etc. Also at junior sporting clubs its good because the parents get to meet others from the area too and this makes a big difference settling in for all parties. Then son gets invited to all the dos etc.

[nevsm]

A school change is certainly worth considering, also an activity where he can make friends outside school, I am lucky that where I live there is an huge selection available, from nippers , martial arts footy, cubs,, gym, Swimming,chess, drama etc etc I have had a son who was bullied at school both here and in the UK and outside school activities were the key to building confidence. We did move schools here and it has been the best thing I did for my children, but do your research carefully if you are going to take this route and really let any prospective school know what your son has been through so they are prepared to help. My son did have to see a school counsellor and she was terrible so make sure you are happy with the counsellor and that the counsellor will help.

Its an awful and emotive time as a parent when a child is miserable and you feel much worse when you have made such a big move. My son know says he would want to stay in Aus if we were to return to the UK.

[Popsicle]

Thank you for all your replies.

 

We already do one sporting activity on a Saturday morning and am currently looking at Karate etc as a self defence and discipline.

 

The school do have a counsellor and I have asked for time with him but not sure how long that will be as he is "busy"........

 

Moving schools really would be my last option as I think the kids have been through so much upheavel already don't really want to do it all again.

 

Funnily enough I did give 2 options last night because we agreed as a family we would give it 12 months and speak again as a family to see how we all felt (this was actually my bargaining tool for the eldest, now it appears the youngest is the one who needs it).

 

1 We are not going anywhere till at least next April so you can chose to be miserable until then.

 

2 You can try to make the best of the situation until then (in the hope that April will be totally forgotten about)

 

I have tried to put things in place to forge that one friendship as I do honestly believe this may be the stumbling block but at the moment all I am getting is an Anti-Australia attitude so this isn't happening either (case of not helping yourself!!!!).

 

My husband is totally settled (apart from this issue) loving his job, the lifestyle etc.

Eldest is typical teenager, grunts a lot and is quite laid back like hubby.

I am happier now I am working and have made some good friends.

Youngest is very strong willed (like me:embarrassed:) and as said above probably receiving far too much attention regarding this situation, which does give me food for thought.....

 

Thanks again

[Petals]

We all like attention and children especially its deciding when a lot is needed and when its being used, no easy method.:laugh:

 

I do know that when my children started school they are close together so followed one another, son loved it, duck to water, daughter followed the next year, hated it unless she could be in the playground with son. We moved away to another area new school and everything changed, she was very happy, the school had a different approach, appointed a class member as mentor we are talking 6 year olds here, my daughter and her are still best friends.

[ozzbound]

Last September we had a 16 year old whose 'Life we were ruining' moving here and an 11 year old who couldn't wait to get here.

This September we have a 17 year old who loves it here and doesn't want to go back to the Uk and a 12 year old who wants to go back to the UK...

 

The 12 year old has friends at school but like your daughter has been bullied during the year. The school has no provision for bullying and if you tell the teacher on duty then you are 'Telling tattle tales' which just makes me want to kill them!!!!

It is hard when they are anti-Australia and I would think even harder when they won't make friends and are being bullied.

The school should assign your child a 'buddy' who checks on your child at play and lunch times and asks them to join in activities.

I feel for you and hope that you work something out soon xxxx :hug:

[Guest juliemtaylor]

I feel your pain as my eldest is having similar problems, all you can do is give them your support and try to find ways of encouraging them to go out to try new things etc, and fingers crossed they will get there as I am not going home..

 

Julie x

[Popsicle]

I feel your pain as my eldest is having similar problems, all you can do is give them your support and try to find ways of encouraging them to go out to try new things etc, and fingers crossed they will get there as I am not going home..

 

Julie x

 

 

Aw Julie I feel for you it's awful isn't it. I too don't want to go back to the UK, all I read before coming here was the younger they are the quicker/better they settle so this has taken me back, we were kind of expecting it from our eldest!!!!

 

Finger's crossed we will look back in 6 months and it will all be a distant memory, I'm holding on to that thought to keep me going.

 

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to reply and giving me some good advice it is just great to be able to tell someone outside the family, parents don't know cos they will only worry and nothing they can do.