One for us blokes!!!

[Guest Working to fish]

blimey look what i av found.

 

Have i put on here about the day i laughed watching jo trying to walk through a closed door. I have yet to find the photograph but i will do in due course.

eddie:biglaugh::biglaugh::biglaugh:

[Guest Scarletfever]

Broke Back Mountain Lady

 

 

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She

was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,

so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

 

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

 

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

 

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

 

For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

 

Then one day, the rancher's widow said 'You have done a really good job,

and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

 

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

 

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the

rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting

for him.

 

She quietly called him over to her.

 

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she

directed.

 

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

 

'Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly

by her boots.

 

'Now take off my skirt.'

 

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

 

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then she looked at him and said: 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!'

[Guest Scarletfever]

I think Jo was 1 of these Eddie..

 

 

[tracy123]

I think this thread needs dusting off!!!

 

 

 

'Men cleverer than women' claim

 

Who will get a first?

 

Academics in the UK claim their research shows that men are more intelligent than women.

A study to be published later this year in the British Journal of Psychology says that men are on average five points ahead on IQ tests.

Paul Irwing and Professor Richard Lynn claim the difference grows when the highest IQ levels are considered.

Their research was based on IQ tests given to 80,000 people and a further study of 20,000 students.

'Widening gap'

Dr Irwing, a senior lecturer in organisational psychology at Manchester University, told the Today programme on BBC Radio Four the study showed that, up to the age of 14, there was no difference between the IQs of boys and girls.

"But beyond that age and into adulthood there is a difference of five points, which is small but it can have important implications," he said.

"This is against a background of women dramatically overtaking men in educational attainment and making very rapid advances in terms of occupational achievement."

The academics used a test which is said to measure "general cognitive ability" - spatial and verbal ability.

As intelligence scores among the study group rose, the academics say they found a widening gap between the sexes. There were twice as many men with IQ scores of 125, for example, a level said to correspond with people getting first-class degrees. At scores of 155, associated with genius, there were 5.5 men for every woman.

[Guest Working to fish]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained as usual 'I have a headache'

'Perfect' her husband said 'I was just in the bathroom powdering my #enis with aspirin. So, you can take it orally or as a suppository. It's up to you.'

 

cheers sal

 

eddie:biglaugh:

[Guest majortom57]

Golf Lessons

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where?", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

[Guest Working to fish]

[Guest Working to fish]

[Guest Working to fish]

[Guest Working to fish]

[Guest Tim]

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor girl. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor girl is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

 

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

 

******************************

Dear Sheila:

 

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

 

I hope this helps.

Walter

[Guest Working to fish]

[Guest Working to fish]

[Guest Working to fish]

[Guest Tim]

I think we win Eddie - the girls are not up for it!

[Guest majortom57]

 

 

I was a very happy man.

 

 

 

 

 

My wonderful girlfriend

and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...

 

 

 

 

It was her beautiful younger sister.

 

 

 

 

 

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near

me, and I always got more than a nice view.

 

 

 

 

It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and

 

 

 

 

committed my life to her sister.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling,

 

 

 

 

just come up and get me.'

 

 

 

 

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I stood there for a moment, then turned

and made a beeline straight to the front door.

 

 

 

 

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.

 

 

 

 

Welcome to the family.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And the moral of this story is:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

 

[calNgary]

LMAO ,fantastic,lol

Cal x

[Guest The Pom Queen]

:biglaugh: This is super, thanks for the laugh

[Guest Working to fish]

2 women and a man are standing by a fast river when the grim reaper comes says to them that either they cross the river or he kills them, the first women dives in and drowns immedietly. the second women jumps in and makes it half way across but drowns. the grim reaper says to the man, now what will you do, and the man says, i'll go across the bridge.

[Guest Working to fish]

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

 

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.

(Adam Ferrara)

 

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

 

If your dog is barking at the back door and Danielle Cardella is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

 

Why haven't any women ever gone to the moon?

It doesn't need cleaning yet

[Guest Mike&lou]

Classic i love a good joke,we should def try and get some blonde ones on here.

[Guest Working to fish]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

 

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

 

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

 

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

 

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

 

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

 

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on - very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

 

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

 

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

 

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[Mongrel]

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

 

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.

(Adam Ferrara)

 

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

 

If your dog is barking at the back door and Danielle Cardella is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

 

Why haven't any women ever gone to the moon?

It doesn't need cleaning yet

 

plagiarism Eddie :laugh:

 

Mally

[Mongrel]

 

 

 

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'

She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..'

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'

If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here

 

 

 

[Guest Working to fish]

Here are 10 things most women don't want to hear:

1) "What did you do to your hair?"

Unless we've cut our own hair—this is not common—someone else did something to our hair. It wasn't us. And most likely we've gone to a lot of trouble and expense for it. "I like your new haircut" is infinitely better, and shows you're paying attention. It's also far superior to the generic "You look different," which tells us you're as clueless as ever.

2) "They both look the same to me."

We understand you care a lot less than we do about the outfits or the registry dishware we're asking you to compare. But they can't possibly look exactly the same, can they? Give us something. Anything. Mentally roll the dice and pick one, so we don't worry about your vision—or worse, that you don't care.

3) "Relax."

A kissing cousin to "Don't get so worked up," this generally creates the exact opposite effect you're shooting for. When you say "Relax," what we hear is that you think that we're being irrational over nothing, and this makes us do anything but relax.

4) "I've got it all under control."

Ha! Famous last words. Refrain from using them if you don't want us to take fiendish delight in your getting lost because you won't stop for directions (if we're late, there will be fiendish fuming), or because you're missing a piece to your flat-screen television because you said you didn't need to read the assembly instructions.

5) "You're not one of those feminists, are you?"

Yikes. Chivalry may be nearly dead, but saying this will drive the last spear through its heart. Feminist or not, a woman is likely to be offended by the question. Just be yourself. Be kind, open the door, offer to pay, and go from there. We can choose to accept or share in your generosity.

 

6) "When are you due?"

Take one second to imagine a woman turning to you and responding, "I'm not pregnant," or "I had the baby six months ago," and you'll understand why you should eradicate this question from your vocabulary. In one nanosecond, innocent—even considerate—curiosity can turn to deadly, if unintentional, offense. And there's just no way to recover from this one.

7) "You're being emotional."

In the heat of the moment this may be true. But unless you want your partner to become more emotional or get angry, you're better off keeping this observation and its off-limits follow-up question—"Is it that time of month?"—to yourself.

 

8) "You're acting just like your mother/my mother/my ex-girlfriend."

All three are problematic. An ex should be mentioned sparingly, and never in comparison. Why would we want to remind you of a person you broke up with? And come to mention it, why are you thinking about her? You see the slippery slope. Conjuring an image of our mother or your mother can be equally grating. We want you to treat us as individuals and not as mere products of your (or our) upbringing.

9) "You complete me."

We've seen "Jerry Maguire" and most other romantic comedies far more often than you, and while we may (or may not) like cheesy movie lines, they usually fail in real life. We understand that the possibility of romance makes inexplicable things come out of a man's—and sometimes a woman's—mouth, but keep the compliments real and honest and sincere and say you love someone when you mean it.

10) "Do you really think you should be eating that?"

Yes. She should be eating it. Even if she told you she's given it up.

 

eddie