parsonsbigfamilyadventure Posted April 7, 2007 Share Posted April 7, 2007 I have posted on this dilema before but now it has taken another turn. When we first spoke about moving to Oz my mum was not very happy and didnt want to speak about it, so we never spoke about Oz, now we have got our CO and we have had our medicals and waiting on our police checks, I met with a friend last week and my mother had been speaking to a friend of a friend and the friend happen to mention our plans to move, my mother said they could at least wait until i'm dead OMG, what can you say to that, should I speak to her about it, I nearly pulled out of our medicals on friday because she has made me feel so bad, but I keep telling myself that she is selfish and I need to put my family first. Joanne :confused: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest EM&M Posted April 7, 2007 Share Posted April 7, 2007 Hi Joanne, I know this has been covered a few times, but its still good to get it out of your system. When I told my mam that we were going she actually said to me face to face "I hope Im dead before you go". Shes only 54!! The other one was "I feel like Im sitting on a bomb waiting for it to go off and when it does its gonna blow my world apart" (no idea where she got that one from). Lots have things have been said since then and everything did come to a head where as I ended up giving her a few home truths and said some things that as a daughter you maybe dont say. But since then I think she has took on board what I said and things have got better. Sometimes I dont get peoples reaction that we are selfish to want to leave etc but their reaction is all about how leaving will effect them so isnt that being selfish?? Why dont you speak to her about it maybe it will clear the air cos if not then you might later regret leaving things unsettled depending on how close you are to her. Take care Em x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
parsonsbigfamilyadventure Posted April 7, 2007 Author Share Posted April 7, 2007 Thanks Em its good to know I am not alone, we are quite close but I think she will miss my 2 year old daughter more. Joanne :confused: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest 8788jt Posted April 7, 2007 Share Posted April 7, 2007 Hi Joanne Is there any chance your mum would follow you out there? Joanne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
parsonsbigfamilyadventure Posted April 7, 2007 Author Share Posted April 7, 2007 No my dad is not well and is unable to fly, he is right behind our move and I can speak to him when my mum is not around, also I have 2 sisters. Joanne :confused: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuju Posted April 7, 2007 Share Posted April 7, 2007 Hi Joanne, I think sometimes what ever age we are it is very hard for the apron strings to be cut completly free even when our children have grown up and flown the nest, i can understand as a mum how your mum must be feeling - but on the other hand that is wrong of her to say things that im sure in time she will regret saying and also that makes you feel bad and causes alot of upset. Speak to your mum and get the air cleared and point out that all the obvious like how much you love her and the fact that this is your one shot at what you as a family want to do. I left 2 daughters in the UK (the hardest thing i have ever done) they never once said anything horrid to me they just wanted me to be happy and put myself first for a change. Go for it dont feel guilty lifes too short good luck gizmo x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest EM&M Posted April 7, 2007 Share Posted April 7, 2007 Joanne, I too am taking away the only grandchildren 2 girls 2.5yrs and 6mths. My mam said to me that she wished we had gone before we had then but my answer was that she then would not have had any time at all with them. She agreed with this. Im sure that your mum will come around its all about time......I never thought I would be able to speak to her about it. She has never been on a plane and is terrified but she has told me she is going to try really hard as there is no better incentive to get on a plane than to see us. Im sure it will come good in the end. (((((hugs))))) Em x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lazy Cow Posted April 8, 2007 Share Posted April 8, 2007 It must be terrible for anyone in that position. It's only because you obviously have a good relationship that you both care, and hurt for the other's future 'loss'. :wubclub: I don't think it could ever be easy, but neither do I think it's selfish. To be selfish means that you are putting your personal welfare above, and in total disregard to, other people. I would imagine that most people who emigrate do so because they want a better life for their family, not just themselves. And that's not selfish. If you see what I mean. To be honest, even if it were, what's wrong with that? We have one life (even if you believe in reincarnation!) and it would be a total waste if it wasn't as enjoyable as poss. And if nothing else works, eat chocolate.:wub: it always works for me!(Yes, Mrs B, that is why I'm so lardy... ) LC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guys&dolls Posted April 8, 2007 Share Posted April 8, 2007 Hiya, I just wanted to add to this thread as I am also having a terrible time with my mum. Yesterday was really bad she told me she had'nt slept all night and was crying and sobing so much I could hardly hear her what she was saying, at one point I thought she was going to have a heartattack, she's 70 and had bowel cancer two years ago but is in quite good health now for her age. I have two other brothers and a sister (Im the youngest) but they do nothing for her and everything is left to me so know Im going the guilt I feel is some days too much to cope with :cry: . My dad died 10 years ago (she has a partner now) but he very much sits on the fence with things which dosent help :arghh: Sorry to ramble but I really know who you feel, somedays I just want to say forget it and stay here but I know that is the wrong thing to do as we just want a better future for our children :wubclub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calNgary Posted April 8, 2007 Share Posted April 8, 2007 As a parent myself i can understand why mums and dads arent too happy about us leaving ,,but ,,in their shoes i would be happy ,if my kids are happy and if that means moving half way across the world so be it ,,hubbys parents werent to impressed when we annonced the move but you sometimes (as selfish as it sounds) have to think about the future for you and your dependants.If my kids want to return to the UK when older ,yes it will break my heart but hopefully it will make them understand why we moved here in the first place and before long they will be heading back to Oz ,and if not ,then best of luck to them,,i cant help thinking alot of the anger is jealousy that they didnt do it ,,,parents ,,can we ever understand them ??? Cal x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest dave&donna Posted April 8, 2007 Share Posted April 8, 2007 OMG joanne i just wanted to say 'keep your chin up girl' because i really felt for you reading that your mum is not supporting you and i can't imagine how you must be feeling anyway going through all the emotions when getting to the end of the visa process (hoping to feel it one day though!) but then for your mum to give you all her EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE too i just want to say keep strong hun and it'll all come good in the end. I think you're right to keep thinking of your children because that's really why most of us are doing it for them and i'm sure if your mum is honest with herself she's actually proud of you for being such a good parent and doing your damndest to look after them - if you ever get chance to open up to her and she can be honest with you without feeling hurt and worried and upset that she'll miss you and the kids - ask her if when you were little she wouldn't have done anything to give you a better life??? I feel guilty like guys&dolls because i do everything for my mum - she's on her own after mum and dad getting divorced when i was 4 and she's never remarried or even got a partner now so really on her own and me my oh and my boys are her life really - she picks my boys up from school every day so i know she'll miss them more than anything. she doesn't even speak to my brother so really does depend on us but saying all that she says we are doing the right thing to give our boys a better life - bless her. The only family not to be supportive to us is my oh's sister who i agree with cal is jealous that they never did it and that's why they are angry with us and called us selfish!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest newnico Posted April 8, 2007 Share Posted April 8, 2007 I always seem to butt into these posts as the older generation, so hope you don't mind. Two of my three kids are settled in Oz, and I was a single parent (and also only child), so this wasn't particularly easy, but four years after my daughter went I'm planning to emigrate myself, now that my own parents have died. I would never have done anything other than encourage them to go for it, but equally, I didn't at the time think seriously about joining them. Who can tell what parents will think once you've been clear that you're making the move, and once you are settled and happy? I'm sure all these mums will be on planes going out to visit pretty soon, and in a couple of years you will all be wondering what the heartbreak was all about. That's my hope for you, anyway. Give your parents credit that they also want the best for you, just as you do for your kids. They are just shocked and hurt at present, and it can feel like rejection..as if you're saying what's good enough for them isn't good enough for you, so to speak. Lots of tea, hugs and patience may be required. best of luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guys&dolls Posted April 8, 2007 Share Posted April 8, 2007 I dont know about anyone else but my mum is saying there is no way she is moving out with us and wont even say she will come out for a holiday :arghh: . She said when we go that means we will never see her again to which I replied "of course you will because we will come back for holidays", to which she replied "where are you going to stay because I have'nt got room for you" :arghh: I cant win. Im going to miss her terrible as I know she will miss me but she is just making it impossible :cry: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
parsonsbigfamilyadventure Posted April 8, 2007 Author Share Posted April 8, 2007 Thank you ladies your words are of great comfort and support, I will try and speak to my mum I really dont want to leave things as they are, sending you all big hugs and enjoy your easter eggs. Joanne :nah: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pippycol Posted April 12, 2007 Share Posted April 12, 2007 hiya well if i was you i would speak to your mum aobut what the friend of a friend has told you, otherwise it wil eat away at you. you need to clear the air once an for all yes your mum is being selfish but what yu have to remember is that you only have one life and we have to do what we think is best. when i told my mum that we where thinking of moving to oz she was very positive and understanding, she did get abit upset but what she said was " i have lived my life and i am going to die, you have to live your lives, yes i will miss you all but go for it" i was equally upset by her honesty. it is hard and i sympathise with your dilema but please speak to your mum, then at least you can say well i tried to talk to my mum etc. good luck pip & col Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Hayley370 Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Hi Joanne Most bizarre how similar your situation to how I was a year or so ago! My mum was majorly anti wouldn't talk about it for ages, a big 'bury your head in the sand job and it will go away', then she just got snotty! My dad was great and we used to have secret little chats when my mum wasn't around and I found that a great help! He was very supportive however even he became a little distant and quiet before we left. So maybe be prepared for that. I also have 2 sisters, one was great, the other crap! We stayed with mum and dad for 6 weeks before we came out here and she did start talking about it. All I kept getting was "I can't believe you are taking those boys away from us", my favourite quote back was "I'ts because of THOSE boys we are doing this, to give them a better life" that one worked quite well! On our last day (we were getting picked up by the taxi at 2 in the afternoon) I had all our stuff to pack and obviously two children to look after. Dad was working and hubby had to go into town to finalise some stuff. Would you believe my mum and sister both went grocery shopping for about 2 hours! It was like her way of saying if your doing this do it on your own! And I bloody did! I have to say I can probably understand her reasons and I can (just) forgive her but I will never forget that and I have to say it's still a little raw even now, 5 months later. They have just left here from visiting and she seemed to enjoy it here, but my dad kept looking at houses and she said "I'm not living in Australia"! So I think that one is a case of watch this space. The funny thing is for that last few years I have wanted nothing more than my parents to come out here as well. Whereas now I think along the lines of if they do all well and good, if they don't well never mind (even though I do miss my dad a lot, he's not very good at talking on the phone). I think It's because I have realised I have my own family now, I am a lot stronger, a lot more independant and It is amazing what you can do and what you can cope with when you put your mind to it! Sorry If this is all a bit of a ramble, but it's felt quite good to get it all of my chest and in black and white and I hope it will help some of you out there! Hayleyx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Hi Joanne, It's not selfish to want to offer your family a better life. Your mum is obviously hurt and sad that you're going and is expressing this through anger. Have a chat to her, be truthful, you can't live your life for her you have to live it for you and your family. Sometimes opportunities don't come around again due to circumstances changing - you have to take the moment when the time is right. Would she rather you stay and be unhappy? Maybe asking her that may help her see that doing what she wants you to do would make you sad too. You may have a fall out with your mum for a little while, but things will resolve before you go, Crack on with your medicals, your mum will have to face the reality of it - when you get your visa, you'd still have another 4 years after validation to move if you needed more time. Ali Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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