Leaving adult kids

[Hamsterwheel]

Anyone else out there with adult kids and grandchildren living in Australia but you are desperate to live in the UK?

Both sons are here and grew up here from youngsters with myself and their dad. Once they were living independently and our marriage had collapsed I moved back to UK as I never settled despite living here for many years. They had no desire to join me in UK although both have visited a couple of times.

Just recently moved back thinking I could live here now in my desperation to be nearer to them and the grandkids and I can't believe I'm back in the same situation, hating it here and desperate to go home but feeling so guilty leaving them plus hating being so far away from them and the grandkids when I'm in UK.

Anyone in a similar situation? I'd value some advice about how to manage the long distance relationship to stay connected with them as feel a bit estranged sometimes.

 

[Quoll]

Yup.  

Not easy is it? I find that regular visits are  enough for the most part - a month of solid quality time trumps the odd day here or there. We do Skype but none of us finds it that fantastic - the girls would rather be off playing than sitting still talking to an old person who is trying to elicit conversation by asking loads of questions.  Some days - like yesterday - I get the odd wave of overwhelming sadness that I couldn't give them a hug (more for me than for them) but generally I get by quite nicely with out of sight out of mind.

We get regular updates and the odd pic from daddy and they know that we love them and think about them then we have a special month when we do lots with them. With my grandson who lives in UK, we Skype, he would rather be playing and we get to see him maybe once every couple of months for a day - much the same really. Probably more pics of the grandson because his daddy has better technology.

No magic answer really other than do with your life what you want to do! There are always holidays in whichever direction you find that you are not.

[Hamsterwheel]

Thanks Quoll and its reassuring to I'm not the only one in this predicament.

I agree about the Skype time and not able to cuddle them and as they get bigger it makes it harder to keep their attention. Sometimes find it too hard to face but brave it through for the sake of the contact.

Find the holiday thing hard to juggle as not enough room to stay with them in their homes and accommodation is so expensive in Oz. Couldn't afford to take a month off work either.

Do you think you would ever head back over to be closer to them?

I just don't' know whether I should just grit my teeth and stay so I have more contact with them or just admit defeat and accept I won't ever be able to resolve this dreadful situation and at least be living somewhere I actually want to be.

[Quoll]

1 hour ago, Hamsterwheel said:

Thanks Quoll and its reassuring to I'm not the only one in this predicament.

I agree about the Skype time and not able to cuddle them and as they get bigger it makes it harder to keep their attention. Sometimes find it too hard to face but brave it through for the sake of the contact.

Find the holiday thing hard to juggle as not enough room to stay with them in their homes and accommodation is so expensive in Oz. Couldn't afford to take a month off work either.

Do you think you would ever head back over to be closer to them?

I just don't' know whether I should just grit my teeth and stay so I have more contact with them or just admit defeat and accept I won't ever be able to resolve this dreadful situation and at least be living somewhere I actually want to be.

No matter where I am I am always going to be in the other side of the world from one lot! We will go back when my dad pops his clogs - we  are caring for him - but only because I've promised to do so. I much prefer England - weather, things to do, variety, belonging etc but my DH is Aussie and we still have a house in Australia.

I have a friend who comes to UK from Canada for a few months each year and she finds house sitting or airbnb to be quite reasonable. Being retired has its advantages though as the dreadful w-o-r-k doesn't get in the way. But it seems to me that UK had generally better leave provisions than Australia in general.

[ramot]

Another one here, but to be honest I accept the situation because it’s our choice to live in our case Australia with our only grandchildren in UK. Ours are 2 boys almost 9 & 11. We do go to UK most years for a few months so obviously that helps and we face time fairly regularly, luckily they still love chatting away with us, telling us what they are up to and showing off some new thing they have made, mainly LEGO!! we find one on one works better otherwise they try to compete with each other.

We arrange special treats with their father for them from us, so they know we think about them and love them.

Lots of our friends don’t live anywhere near their grandchildren as we were in the forces and then expats, sovery few of us live close as we have moved so much that there isn’t a home base where they grew up. Our children grew up and went on to live their lives all over the place. 

No easy answers, yes we do miss them, and as Quoll wrote I also feel a bit tearful occasionally,  but life isn’t simple and we accept our choice.

[Hamsterwheel]

Thanks both Quoll and Ramot for replies.

I prefer England too in so many ways too which isn't to say Australia isn't a fantastic place, but it all comes down to personal individual preference.

I feel I shall probably head back to UK I think and work hard at finding some middle ground to maintain contact and find ways, like yourselves, to keep them knowing granny loves them and thinks of them. Its a difficult decision but I'm getting too old to waste any more time thinking I might think differently or grow to love it here. Been there! Done that! Have no wish to go through that again!!!!

Just feel somewhat foolish thinking it would work this time! Oh well, here we go...get up, dust yourself off and start all over.... again.

Thanks again and have a great Christmas.

 

[Amber Snowball]

2 hours ago, Hamsterwheel said:

Thanks both Quoll and Ramot for replies.

I prefer England too in so many ways too which isn't to say Australia isn't a fantastic place, but it all comes down to personal individual preference.

I feel I shall probably head back to UK I think and work hard at finding some middle ground to maintain contact and find ways, like yourselves, to keep them knowing granny loves them and thinks of them. Its a difficult decision but I'm getting too old to waste any more time thinking I might think differently or grow to love it here. Been there! Done that! Have no wish to go through that again!!!!

Just feel somewhat foolish thinking it would work this time! Oh well, here we go...get up, dust yourself off and start all over.... again.

Thanks again and have a great Christmas.

 

Go you!

 I have just returned leaving my adult son finishing university in Australia. No grandchildren so can’t relate there. He is visiting me in the UK at the moment.

Fact is you could force yourself to settle in Australia to be with them and they could up and move themselves, either within Australia or to another country altogether. What do you do, keep following them?

Not pretending it will be easy but you will find a way that suits you all to keep contact with them.

All the best.

[Hamsterwheel]

Thanks Amber Snowball.

Hope things work out really well for you and maybe when your son has finished uni he may decide to follow you back.