Partner struggling

[Guest]

Hi

 

I am Aussie born and bred and met my partner while living in the UK (he is English). We had two kids while living in the UK and in early November 2014 we all moved to Australia, for what I had hoped would be a permanent move (my family are based here and part of the reason for coming home was I was desperately homesick and needed my family around me again after 7 years away, and we didn't have much, if anything, to do with his family so we were very isolated).

 

It would seem my partner has resented the decision and timing of our leaving since before we left but that has only come to light since arriving in Adelaide and all of the issues we have faced since landing (family dramas, work dramas etc) and our constant fights where he tells me this frequently.

 

I guess I am hoping for some advice in what to do given he is now making noises about wanting to chuck in his job (I am a stay at home mum with our two young kids) and possibly return to the UK or head to Canada for other work. I am adamant about NOT leaving Australia and doing another international move as I don't feel that he has really given Australia a chance and is using all the dramas as an excuse to return to what he knows. This experience has shown me that he doesn't handle change well and while I have tried to support him, I am at my wits end with his constant moaning and complaining and comparing and bitching and sullen attitude and blaming me for everything that has gone wrong in these past 8 months.

 

He is not able to stay at home and watch the kids while I work to give him a break (stress issues dealing with the kids) and both myself and the kids are thriving here in Adelaide, he is the only one floundering.

 

Have other people's partners struggled and if so how did you resolve it?

 

Have other people seen the end of a relationship because of the negative impact of moving to Australia (especially if kids are involved) and how do you handle it?

 

Sorry, I know some of this can be rather personal so feel free to private message me if you prefer, I am just so far out of my depth as to how to handle this and what to do.

 

Thank you for any and all advice, it is greatly appreciated.

 

x

[Bungo]

There are quite a few regulars in "mixed marriages" and I am sure they will be along shortly with good advise. I am not in a mixed marriage, but have moved internationally a few times and a few ground rules we have are to a) agree a set period of time to at least give it a chance (e.g. two years or until citizenship) and b) if either one of us was truly unhappy, to the extent that it is impacting upon mental health, then we go where that person will feel better.

 

I do agree with you that your husband has not given it long enough, that is when the set period agreement comes into play. By the same token I am not sure you being "adamant" is helpful either, it could be contributing to him feeling trapped and isolated, he my feel like you are giving him a life sentence.

 

One thing I have noticed about the successful mixed marriages on PIO is a willingness to give and take and to be prepared to live in the other's country for certain sections of life. You didn't, after all, live in the UK for him, you moved to the UK and he happened to be there. Anyway, I do hope you can find your way through this.

[flag of convenience]

I'm afraid I have seen many international relationship flounder after arrival in Australia. This should be clearly understood by those taking the plunge. You being Australian may add to the complication this being home.

 

To be fair though he is the bread winner. If his labours are going unrewarded in his estimation and he feels he can profit better in UK then there is a need to listen. Perhaps he needs time to unjust to his new life? No easy solutions. I once found myself in a situation being the sole provider in a north European country, where I spoke little of the language, while my partner a native of that country stayed home. I can tell you in exactly eight months I'd had enough and was out solo, never to return.

Not quite the same perhaps but early days in a strange country can be very challenging and friendless.

[dmjg]

I am an Aussie and the oh is the yorkie lass.

 

I moved to the uk and took 7 years to convince her to give aus a go.

 

She finds some times tough (winter mainly) but perks up a lot with the weather.

 

Three thoughts come to mind from what you've posted. Remember, they are my own thoughts, developed from very little info.

 

- If someone cant handle change and isnt coping with the change to aus, i cant see how a change to canada would help, where neither of you would know anyone.

 

- You drawing a line in the sand gives him no options, no wiggle room and no say in the future of his own family.

 

- A father that cant stay at home and look after his own children (even 1-2 days per week?) is not a positive thing.

 

I think one or both of you needs to talk to a professional. (A shrink)

 

Good luck.

[pob]

I have lived in Canada, I hated it.

To be honest it is very similar to Australia, by the way the people think and their love of bureaucracy and the way they just sheepishly follow authority. Their Healthcare is slightly better, but only slightly.

Winters are harsh, but so is Summer in Australia.

Canada is a diluted America, just different enough to be irritating.

 

But maybe you had some problems before you came to Australia and you thought that being in a new country would solve them.

A wise man once said "Remember, no matter where you go, there you are" You can move anywhere in the world and you will always have the same old problems and you will probably have the stress of the move included in that, as a little cherry on the cake.

 

Maybe you should talk things through calmly and ask your Husband lots of questions, find out where the problems really come from.

Just be honest with him And yourself.

[Guest]

Please be very careful about another move to any other country. If you really do want be in Australia because ultimately you could find yourself stuck there be it Canada or the UK. If a split was to occur ( i'm not suggesting that's where you are heading) wherever you are and your husband objects to you taking the children to return to say Australia the hague convention would come into play and your chances of being allowed to take your children are fairly slim. Think carefully where you ultimately want to be before considering another international move. Many parents have found themselves stuck in countries they don't want to be in because of this. Good luck.

Edited July 3, 2015 by Guest

[Quoll]

Oh dear. A mixed marriage here and I have been the one loathing the place I was forced to stay in so I get the feeling from both sides.

 

First of all I really think you need to head off to marriage counselling - nip disagreements in the bud rather than letting them fester to beyond the point of no return. Both of you need to hear and be heard and intransigence by either of you isnt helping the situation at all.

 

We always went where the opportunities were best - and the DH was in the better position for earning the dough so we went where he was better jobwise. If there isnt work where you are then a compromise situation needs to be arrived at - sure you want to be with your family but maybe moving further east would get you in the same country but may get him a better opportunity career wise.

 

Even the most level headed and rational of us when faced with our mob having nothing and the other mob having everything can get somewhat resentful and I really think that the power in a relationship becomes skewed when one of you has your family, your familiar surroundings, your friends etc and the other has bugger all - has to make new connections, will always come second to the one at home etc I'm sure youve had all of those feelings because you've done your time in UK where you were the one with bugger all - it does have the potential to lead to depression pretty quick smart unfortunately.

 

At the end of the day you have to ask yourselves "is this the person I want to go through the rest of my life with?" and if the answer is yes then you fight tooth and nail to maintain that relationship by compromise after compromise until you can both feel that you are giving and taking without one giving all and one taking all. It's hard, bloody hard sometimes and there is no rationale for why someone takes an aversion to a place/set of situations - no logic at all, but I can tell you I loathed Australia with a passion when it was clear that I was trapped there. However, life throws you curve balls and I got a reprieve but in the interim I reframed that life there with him was less worse than life here without him - not ideal but he was/is the man I want to spend the rest of my days with so we nutted out a compromise which gave neither of us everything we had hoped for and both of us something of what we wanted. It wasnt perfect but it was better than it could have been.

 

You both have my sympathies TBH - it is an unenviable situation but you both have to be prepared to compromise something and to return to point one, marriage counselling is probably the best forum to try and work that compromise out. Good luck.