Bluecj Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Hi, I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right area but I need some advice. We've been living on the Sunshine Coast for 16mths and my 16 year old daughter has found it very difficult to settle. She has made a very small number of friends but never seems to go anywhere or be asked to go anywhere. She asks them if they want to do something but they say they can't because of work, looking after siblings etc all completely valid reasons but then she finds out that they've lied and they've been out. She just wants them to honest with her. She is very shy and I know she finds it hard to put herself out there and she does put the effort in, but now she's becoming withdrawn and says she wants to go back to the UK. It's so upsetting to see. Anyone have any advice they can offer? Or if you've been through a similar thing with your child, how did you deal with it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pob Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Tell her the truth. In a year and a half she will leave all these so called friends behind her. She will be getting a job or going to University, be getting a boyfriend or a girlfriend, maybe both? Her social circle will be much larger, she will have friends with more common interests who will love to include her. They will want to include her because she is a funny and interesting person. Her school mates are most likely a bunch of dicks and she will be glad to put them in her past. Just be aware that school can be a horrible place for some people and some people are just glad to leave. But when you are sixteen it is your whole world. Make her realise that the world is a fantastic place and there is a special and happy place for her in the world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hodgies2Oz Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 You should put a post on the 'socialising & get together' section of this site and see if you can find people in your area with teenage girls. Worth trying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justcantwait Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Hi Where abouts on the coast are you and what school does she go to? It can be so hard at these ages. Has she joined any social groups? Anne marie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Maybe a bit of a chat to a social worker for her to get a few skills? She could also change schools as she will be doing the last couple of years. What about sport- could she join a team? Or a gym? Something outside school where she meets other young ones not connected with her school might be good. The so-called 'friends' sound like a bunch of b#tch@s Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Can she go back to UK to do her A levels? Live with relatives etc if she has a good social network already there? Failing that check out interest groups rather than school groups but if she's not elite at sport or whatever interest takes her fancy that might be problematic too. I'd suggest some martial arts training to build her self confidence in the first instance -bullies always know who to pick on just by looking at them and teenage girls can be right bitches unfortunately. It may just be that she has to suck it up until she can move on with her life but you could try sitting down and getting her to brainstorm how she can make things better - she may have some ideas (don't tell her, this is something she has to work out for herself). Being 16 sucks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Country vic Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I am so pleased you as her mother are taking this seriously, when things are tough out there having loving, supportive parents is so important. Very often parents blame and judge their children for not fitting in. We see this 'victim blaming' attitude a lot. Someone says they have no friends and people jump in with criticism and blame, adding to peoples pain makes some people feel good. The empathy and understanding you show to your daughter will be a great help. There are many complex reasons people don't fit into cliques, many are signs of good qualities. Maybe your 16 year old is more mature and sophisticated than the others, she may choose not to smoke and drink, maybe she is more sensitive, maybe she has more ambition..... there are many reasons people are rejected. It takes a lot of strength to stand up for your own values. I have observed 'popular' people, often they are spinless and adjust their 'values' according to who they are trying to fit in with. When young people get into trouble we often hear parents say 'they got in with the wrong crowd' funny how they never identify their own offspring as 'the wrong crowd'. Of course I have also met popular people who are genuine, decent and caring, they have a gift of drawing good people to them. I don't know how they do that but there are a lot of books and articles on the topic. As others have said school will end soon, she will then go into environments where she will meet a broader range of people. in the meantime she has you, and it sounds like you (and other family?) are caring and supportive. Your daughter is only 16, I hope you will continue to discus and explore the problem so over the next few years she will learn how to attract the right people to her, people with who she can share good times with without compromising who she is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Country vic Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 When we have no friends and don't get picked for the 'team' I think it can be worth adopting solitary pursuits, something where we can achieve on our own. i hope this doesn't come across like the usual 'cliched advice' you know the sort of thing, join a club, get a dog, go to a night class ......... anyway one thing I wish I had done when I was younger is running, and maybe cycling. The thing about running is you can put your shoes on and go on your own. There is no one to beat, no team to fit in with, no winner or loser, you just run against yourself and, once you get into it, it's a great way of clearing your head. Later, if you want to, there are 5k and 10k runs, it's a pastime you can take as far as you like. Seomtimes we can do things that don't achieve our main goal (making friends) but they fill in time, and are good for us, while we continue to work on other things. Maybe be your daughter isn't interested in that type of thing, so maybe something else, piano lessons, writing. A solitary pastime doesn't take away from trying to find people but it gives us something postive to think about and work on, rather than focus on things that make us miserable. I used to read a lot (before the Internet) when there was no one who shared, or understood, my values and ideas I could find writers who did and I knew I was not alone. Even though I was (and still am) alone in my immediate life, it was reassuring to know there were people out there who shared my view of life, books became my 'friends'. The fable of the 'Emperors Clothes' makes me smile, in the fable, of course, once the boy points out the Emperor has no clothes the rest of the crowd immediately see it, in real life they would send the boy for counselling until he too could see the Emperors clothes.... Sometimes we do have to be alone until we find other people who don't need to see things that are not there...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluecj Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 Hi and thank you for your kind words and advice. It's the school holidays now and she seems to have brightened up a bit. She has an older sister in Uni so they've been spending a bit of time together. Hopefully she will be in a better frame of mind when she goes back to school. All I can really do is encourage her to rise above it and to see if there are others who are willing to give her a chance. Once again thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newjez Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Hi, I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right area but I need some advice. We've been living on the Sunshine Coast for 16mths and my 16 year old daughter has found it very difficult to settle. She has made a very small number of friends but never seems to go anywhere or be asked to go anywhere. She asks them if they want to do something but they say they can't because of work, looking after siblings etc all completely valid reasons but then she finds out that they've lied and they've been out. She just wants them to honest with her. She is very shy and I know she finds it hard to put herself out there and she does put the effort in, but now she's becoming withdrawn and says she wants to go back to the UK. It's so upsetting to see. Anyone have any advice they can offer? Or if you've been through a similar thing with your child, how did you deal with it? You've taken the best first steps. Recognize the problem, establish strategies to deal with it. Interests groups are best, be it sport, or whatever, or part time jobs. Get involved. Get her busy, and talk it out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 A part time job if can be sorted would be a start my daughter has always struggled to fit in. Very shy and reserved. She also had some issues with a nasty group of girls at high school. She got a part time job at the local supermarket and well she just came into her own after about six months or so her confidence grew and slowly her circle of friends established itself. She's blossomed gone on to Uni and graduated got a great group of friends now. You're doing the right thing keeping on top of it. Keep her talking about what worries her be open and honest with her. Teenage girls can be so mean but she'll get past it particularly with support from you. I do sympathise with you it so hard to see them so unhappy. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali B Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Hi BlueCJ Im a teacher in Melbourne - a couple of thoughts. 16 is a difficult age, my own daughter is 16 and we've been here 15 yrs and she is having friend issues at school. its nothing to do with migrating! It's just the nature of the beast. But your daughter has of course got the migration on top and is struggling. It is a possiblility she may never settle and want to go back one day. Connect her to her school wellbeing coordinator, they will help with ideas to connect to the school community. keep her off FaceBook/Instagram etc because keep connecting to home is bitter-sweet. It'll make her sad seeing old friends and grieving what shes missing at home. Quoll's idea of doing A levels at home could be a plan (and not a daft one) but you need to decide quickly and get her back for September. You also run the risk she may want to stay. You are keeping the communication open and this is really good. Try to listen to what is making her feel so disconnected from the students. Maybe consider a change of school? All schools are different and she might simply not click with her current one. what were her interests at home - any chance of connecting to groups locally in QLD? (Tho im sure youve probably tried this) good luck with it all. Teen years arent easy. Ali Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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