tillyd Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 I have booked a trip back to the UK for next month. Recently I plucked up the courage to tell my husband that I want to move back, he doesn't. I again asked my husband if he will return with me or not. Both times I never really got a definite answer, in fact he hasn't mentioned it again. Instead he booked us a long weekend trip away. I think he is trying to make me see how beautiful Queensland is, hoping I will stay. Now I am in two minds, just get on with planning my move but without him, not retuning from my trip. Alternatively, returning but to what? Am I just delaying the inevitable? i need to make arrangement for my two pets and my things to be shipped back. i feel like I have finally opened my heart for it to be ignored. I love him but I cannot carry on with the emotional and physical symptoms to myself. He seems to be in denial and this is what always happens when I say something he doesn't agree with. I have come to realise that my feelings count too. i do feel like jumping on that plane and never coming back but I have so much to sort out in so little time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 Any chance you could make an appointment for marriage counselling in the next few days? It seems like you're both talking but neither is hearing what is said. You do always have the option to delay a return - might that be on the cards? That'd give you chance to work out which is the least worst of your option - Aus with him or UK without him. I always opted for the "with him" (had him so long I don't want to train up a new one) but your mileage may vary! Good Luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tillyd Posted April 14, 2014 Author Share Posted April 14, 2014 No not really, he is away working for another two weeks. I have asked him before to go to marriage counselling but he declined. I cannot delay my trip as I am going for a family commitment. We will see each other for 12 days between now and the end of May. He will actually not be here when I leave for my trip as he is on a bucks weekend and he will be working again when I (if I) return. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 You poor thing. My husband is also one of those people who just tries to ignore problems and hope they go away. so I know how frustrating it is. The trouble is that up till now, his strategy has always worked - you get worn down and give up (at least that's what tends to happen in our house!). I think the only thing that might work now is shock treatment. He doesn't believe you'll go through with it. What if, next time he comes home, you've got your stuff all packed in boxes, the crates ready for the pets to be shipped and their tickets booked? If that doesn't make him take you seriously, then nothing will and you'll have your answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tillyd Posted April 14, 2014 Author Share Posted April 14, 2014 Well the animals have had all there shots, I have quotes for shipping. I guess its just making that final step I'm sad, scared and so unhappy that it has come to this. i think you are right, I have to just do it. The sad fact it we still love each other, we just don't want to live in the same country Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 Well the animals have had all there shots, I have quotes for shipping. I guess its just making that final step I'm sad, scared and so unhappy that it has come to this. i think you are right, I have to just do it. The sad fact it we still love each other, we just don't want to live in the same country Yes it is sad and yes it's scarey. The thing is, it's not necessarily the end. If you go, there's always a chance he will follow. Right now he's sure he can call your bluff - he's convinced you're not brave enough to go through with it. He's banking on that. Prove him wrong, and then see if he follows. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 Well the animals have had all there shots, I have quotes for shipping. I guess its just making that final step I'm sad, scared and so unhappy that it has come to this. i think you are right, I have to just do it. The sad fact it we still love each other, we just don't want to live in the same country Oh dear! Rock and hard place springs to mind! Do you have in mind just staying and telling him to send your pets and your stuff or can you afford to check that it really is what you want to do and head back to pack up? Would he pack things up for you? (Or like everything else, would that be in the too hard basket?) - are you really prepared to make the decision and send it all when you leave or do you need time in UK without him to be sure (although the working away thing must have made you used to being without him now!) itd definitely scare the pants off him if he got home to find not only had you gone on your trip but you'd totally gone, pets and all! Are you planning on telling him ahead of time? You're right though, being in the wrong place can take a terrible toll on your physical and mental health! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 I think you need to tell him ahead of time if you are planning to leave. I know I wouldn't follow someone who packed up all their stuff for me to find. But if they told me for definite that they were leaving - no threats, no ultimatums but with 100% certainty that they had to do this and why - and asked me to follow then I probably would. I'm not suggesting that you would threaten etc. BTW, just saying what would work for me in that situation. From your side of the fence I wouldn't risk asking an ex to send pets and personal belongings, even the most reasonable person can become petty/mean after a break-up Your feelings absolutely do count and I'm sorry you've been so unhappy. I hope you can work something out so both of you find happiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tillyd Posted April 15, 2014 Author Share Posted April 15, 2014 Thank you for listening. I do plan to tell him before hand, I respect him enough not to just leave. I just hope that he doesn't move our funds because at the moment I am not able to do anything if that happens. I just hate having to have any king of decisions over the phone but my time is so limited. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 Can you withdraw half of your joint funds now to a separate account in your name? I know that would force the situation somewhat but you shouldn't put yourself at risk of losing everything. I really feel for you, it must be so hard. Hang in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKW Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 It sounds like you have had some good advice already. Just wanted to add my support. So sorry to hear you've been so unhappy. It can be so difficult to love someone but know in your heart that you desire different things. I really hope you both find a way to communicate and some happiness in the future. Thinking of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emmab1995 Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 I am with SKW , just wanted to let know we are here for you to talk to ... and i really feel for you ... fingers crossed all will work out xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tillyd Posted April 16, 2014 Author Share Posted April 16, 2014 Thank you. Well I just had a difficult conversation with him I said that I has started the ball rolling and I may not come back after my trip. I feel sort of numb right now but I'm sure the enormity of what I have just done will hit soon. I am so gutted, we've been together 24 years, most of my adult life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 Thank you. Well I just had a difficult conversation with him I said that I has started the ball rolling and I may not come back after my trip. I feel sort of numb right now but I'm sure the enormity of what I have just done will hit soon. I am so gutted, we've been together 24 years, most of my adult life. I know how you feel as I've been through it myself. I won't dress it up, you're going to feel like sh!t for months. If you're anything like me, a large part of your feelings will be guilt - "how can I do this to a perfectly nice man, most people would kill to have a partner like mine, I can't bear to hurt him". You just have to remember - leaving him is going to hurt him, whether you do it now, or in five years time, or in ten years time. The only way to avoid hurting him is to resign yourself to spending the rest of your life here. Can you do that? It's also very hard to imagine life without a partner if you've been together for so many years - but you'll get over that sooner than you think and start enjoying a new sense of freedom. Don't forget, there's always the chance he will cave in and follow you. He's used to having a wife around the place. You can't imagine life alone - neither can he. When he discovers how it feels to hae an empty house, he may change his mind. So long as you can manage to leave on good terms, that door is always open. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 At least he now knows! I hope that whatever happens next brings you both happiness - and together if possible! Once you get "you" back you will probably find you are stronger and able to deal with whatever life throws at you. :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chortlepuss Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 Last year I went to the UK alone for a short break and ended up staying 5 months. Before I went, hubby was very anti-returning. He has a job here that he loves. I know I can't (and won't) stay forever. While I was in the UK I went on a few holidays, had a brilliant time and posted some great stuff on Facebook. Once I returned, he was open to heading back.. I think he saw the change in me (i.e no longer severely depressed!) Don't give up, I suspect that he will come back eventually but needs time to get his head round the idea. It's a horrible position to be, but is there any chance of you coming to some sort of arrangement (i.e you go back for a short time, maybe return in exchange for a long term return to UK?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tillyd Posted April 18, 2014 Author Share Posted April 18, 2014 The problem I have is that it is out in the open but he is still acting like nothing is happening. I really don't think he expects me to go through with it. During our talk he mentioned practical things but not once did he tell me that he doesn't want me to go, just that he doesn't want to go. Its been a couple of days now and when he calls it like nothing has changed. He is back next week and we are going away for a couple of days, I am now wondering if he will ever face it. This has been a very large problem throughout our marriage, he never wants to talk about things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chortlepuss Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 While I was away my husband barely said he missed me, sounded short on the phone, often was out when i scheduled calls and I did think that it wouldn't matter to hum if I stayed. I was having the time of my life, my depression lifted and I felt so safe. I was about to apply for a year's job extension when I spoke to my adult daughter who said you have to come home, dad is really missing you. So I also have a partner who doesn't express his feeling and doesn't communicate well. He still cares though and possibly your hubby is same? My hubby refused to discuss returning to UK properly until he realised that I was determined to get back at some stage. By forcing the issue I made him confront it but it is useful for me to have an elderly mum in the UK who I wanted to spend time with. He does understand that I miss family and friend. I hope yours comes around! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 The problem I have is that it is out in the open but he is still acting like nothing is happening. I really don't think he expects me to go through with it. During our talk he mentioned practical things but not once did he tell me that he doesn't want me to go, just that he doesn't want to go. Its been a couple of days now and when he calls it like nothing has changed. He is back next week and we are going away for a couple of days, I am now wondering if he will ever face it. This has been a very large problem throughout our marriage, he never wants to talk about things. He won't face it until he walks into the room and sees all the boxes packed. Until you actually do it, he will keep believing you're bluffing, because that's the way he deals with everything he doesn't like. That's why making deals won't work with him. Been there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tillyd Posted April 20, 2014 Author Share Posted April 20, 2014 Thanks Yes I am going to book my animals in to travel and book for my things to be shipped over in the next couple of days. He still hasn't mentioned anything or tried to enter into discussion so I am just going to go ahead, it feels the right thing to do. I know that I have a hart time ahead but at least I will have family around me for support and for the first time in ages I feel there is light at the end of the tunnel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Thanks Yes I am going to book my animals in to travel and book for my things to be shipped over in the next couple of days. He still hasn't mentioned anything or tried to enter into discussion so I am just going to go ahead, it feels the right thing to do. I know that I have a hart time ahead but at least I will have family around me for support and for the first time in ages I feel there is light at the end of the tunnel. :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tillyd Posted April 24, 2014 Author Share Posted April 24, 2014 Well my husband arrived home yesterday and not once has he brought up the conversation of moving back to the UK. Really, does he think that acting like everything is fine i will just give in as usual. It makes me feel like he doesn't value my feelings at all. It just feels like I am having the same discussion over again and for the first time Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 Well my husband arrived home yesterday and not once has he brought up the conversation of moving back to the UK. Really, does he think that acting like everything is fine i will just give in as usual. It makes me feel like he doesn't value my feelings at all. It just feels like I am having the same discussion over again and for the first time Amazing isn't it. But (if you're anything like me) he knows that tactic has worked in the past, for all kinds of things. So even though this is a much bigger issue, he's assuming it will work again. I remember this happening with my oh once. Finally we had a screaming match about it (or rather, I did the screaming). I demanded to know how he could ignore my feelings. His response was, "well, it's such a stupid thing to want so you're obviously totally deluded about it - I was sure you'd wake up to yourself if I gave you long enough." ?!? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted April 27, 2014 Share Posted April 27, 2014 Sorry to hear he's still got his head in the sand, you must feel so unheard and frustrated. :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tillyd Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 How hard it is to accept that your marriage is coming to an end, I feel like my heart is breaking. I have never felt so alone as I do now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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