proud preston

@Parley- and that’s what it may have to be, yet we’ve gone back every 18 months (until Covid) and it doesn’t quash the love of ‘home’ That flight is a terror too; particularly as I age.

@Blue Flu- thank you - interesting read and a little chuckle regarding some of the people you meet and the knowledge they are working with trauma - yes, I have thought that on a few occasions too. @Quoll- your sun in the bush might just have the right idea! Yes, I too am hoping to take long service leave this year and go ‘back home’ . You’re right, I’m hoping the boys will want to travel (as I did at their age) and maybe venture to the Northern Hemisphere. @Toots- a huge undertaking for your MIL but good that she managed to settle; particularly after widowed so young. Thanks all. Much appreciated.

Oh gosh - @Quoll - your response was just lovely - thank you. Your last sentence nearly brought a tear to my eye! I’ve been a social worker for years and encourage others to engage with psychology or counselling yet have not considered it myself as I often think no matter how much therapy ...I’m still here!!- but maybe it’s worth trying CBT. Yes @Marisawright - whatever age the boys are I’d feel like I’d be abandoning them. I know that’s silly. I look at my two sisters who live near their daughters and their young children and hope that I’ll be near my (potential!) grandchildren - yet it’s often different with daughters anyway. Maybe I was too harsh about my husband - we’ve a very good relationship and still laugh a lot, which is so important. He sees Australia as offering a lot better opportunities for our boys yet I wonder about this more and more with the current government and their seemingly hell bent way of wrecking the country itself (nature, environment etc) I’m 53 so getting on. That tricky age and feeling oh so much older too! My husband also - whilst he says he will never go back to England - will look at the Irish property sites when he’s had a tough day at work or is sick of the heat but ....like me ...would not want to leave the boys and does truly think Australia is still the ‘land of plenty’ ! Thanks for your comments, it’s really helpful to be able to share in this way.

@Toots- thank you - heartening to read and good that you have settled. North west Tasmania sounds nice. The heat in Brisbane is ruthless.

@Toots- thank you! I’d love my boys to both be in the Northern Hemisphere like yours- I would be back there if they did! Are your boys there long term? Are you tempted to join them or content here? Did your boys grow up here? Yes, it’s my husband that watches the crap channels as I scowl and tut! He misses Ireland and England but sees himself living here. We often joke that I’ll be in a stone cottage in Lancashire or Yorkshire and he will be here. We visited Tasmania and I recall at the time wishing we’d migrated there rather than Brisbane yet I’d probably still feel like this longing.

Thanks @Marisawright @Quoll I’d be keen to hear your strategies as there really is no going back and I’m fed up being miserable (I’m sure my husband would like me to stop talking about the UK too!)

I’ve posted many times before and I know it’s almost cathartic for me to post, hence why I’m doing it again. I just need the opportunity to ‘pour my heart out’ AKA - whinge (again!) We arrived here 16 years ago next month. I still recall an English couple we met - maybe in their 60’s - archetypal ping pong poms. At the time we were in our mid 30’s. I remember thinking the wife seemed sad and somewhat bitter. She hated being here and it clearly showed in their relationship. Husband loved Australia yet ....happened to say one day ‘ hmm after a while it gets a bit boring here’ His wife, in a fabulous East London accent, quick as a flash snapped back in a scathing attack - “ Bored? in f##king paradise?” Highly amusing for us newbies at the time. However, I find I’ve become that scathing, sarcastic person who hates the drama, sensationalism of seven TV news and any other TV prog, can’t stand the crooked government, saddened by the over development and clearing of trees, all too often looking for shade and couldn’t stand walking in these months when it’s after 8am, love the landscape yet hate the landscape.....It’s got that I all too often despise Australia and Australians. An awful way to live and I know it’s me that is the problem as I am wallowing in my own self pity. Anyway, ‘stuck in paradise’ - I understand and acknowledge people will say ‘just go’ but how can I ? Our two sons are 18 and 20 and are out right ‘Australian’ My fears came true. I’d hoped to move back so they could start secondary school in the UK or Ireland- didn’t happen. Maybe start uni back over - didn’t happen. Wasted so much time looking into fees etc etc. and planning (just me planning this!) I’d be abandoning three people I love who are my life. I have started to feel jealous of my siblings who see each other and their grandchildren, who share the same gripes about the UK but appreciate and love the UK - their home, their history and their familiarity. This sad resolve that I’m here until I shuffle off this mortal coil, and it makes me bloomin miserable and angry. I didn’t think this would be my life. I never disliked the UK - as many others find - spouse wanting ‘ a better life’ . I really miss my siblings, I regret not being near my mum in her latter years, I miss the landscape and buildings in England. I’ve even become obsessed with the thought that ‘ things would have been better if we’d migrated to Canada - nearer, northern hemisphere seasons etc’ This is another whinge - I know - and I do appreciate that it can seem self indulgent as there are thousands upon thousands of people experiencing awful lives for a myriad of reasons. No easy answer. I admire those who go back and leave family. I know I couldn’t ever do that. Thanks all. Thanks for the opportunity to (almost) anonymously have a heartfelt pouring out of mixed up feelings.

@Peety and @Pendragon - ditto! I’m the same. Husband will never go back. Kids 19 and 17- they’ve no intention of going to the UK - here is home for them. I feel so stuck. Think about the UK every bloody day.

As many have said - obtaining citizenship is a good idea as who knows what’s in store for all of us further down the track. Def worth hanging in a bit longer for, I’ve been here 15 years and think about England every single day. Wow! Every day! That’s a sad life for me to inhabit eh? Decent life on paper but miss my homeland. Husband won’t return to the UK. Teenage boys are ‘ Australian’ You’re at a great age to move back. Some people will never truly settle. I’m one of those. Citizenship is a good idea and then you are truly young and free to make sound decisions. All the best.

“ The natural resources we have...... income from mining companies’ .....AKA - not giving a damn about the natural environment and depleting all we can. Australia could be a fantastic country but profit and ‘development’ with little consideration for natural resources leaves us in poor shape long term. I’m not talking money /economy - which seems to trump all conversations. We can’t keep thinking we can mine the hell out of everything, clear forests and think long term ‘ she’ll be right’ Sick of this short term, profit driven mindset that is so prevalent and getting shot down when not being enamoured with mining, new developments, more fast food outlets etc etc ... This has gone off topic but it grates me to see many people in such a beautiful country not giving a flying #*#+ about the very land on which we are privileged to live. Paul I’m not taking a hefty swipe at you .... just wish Aus could be a better player on the world stage and not the embarrassment that it has been of late. The inaction to genuinely attempt to cut carbon emissions is woeful.

@Joanne Donnelly Yes! Loved reading your post. I was thrilled to be a backpacker here at 24 - it was one big wild adventure travelling the entire country with 6 others (27 years ago!!) but ......not forever. Your description of England is beautiful. Nature in the UK is so calming and reassuring. Maybe it is just what you are familiar with . An Australian work colleague described returning to Aus and feeling relaxed and ‘at home’ seeing the eucalyptus trees and I breathe a sigh of relief seeing an Oak tree! Hoping things improve for you once Covid dissipates - surely things will slowly get better.

As mentioned, husband desperate to come here, I hated my job, 2 young children and husband said it would be a better life for then etc. and I tnought we would just be here for 2 years. There's always give and take in a couple/family. Compromise. You're in a fortunate position to love here and not feel sadness and regret at not spending those latter years with your parents - and that's good. I suppose we are all very different. Had I stayed I would have seen mum more regularly; particularly so in her later years when all the adult children supported her whilst she was living with dementia.

@Pendragon I’m not sure about the thought - ‘had you come here when you were younger... ‘maybe so - but we arrived when I was nearly 37 ( which seems young now I’m 52!) At 37 I thought we would just be here 2 years but that came and went. I recall backpacking here when I was 24 and not understanding why UK backpackers would want to live here. The thought was just so far from what I wanted in life!! That backpacker year was enough for me yet at 36 I was swept up with hubby wanting to come here and me not being happy in my job at the time so thought ‘ well I’ll give it a go’. I do recall a panic at that time about living so, so far away - it’s never disappeared. So........ long story short ....... even in my younger years I didn’t settle. Yes I’ve integrated but I’m always pining for Lancashire and the UK despite all it’s failings.

@Pendragon Such a shame. I’m sorry that it has come to imminent separation. Seem to read a few posts where couples are contemplating separating. So sad as, and I can only speak for me, but my husband is my best pal and I want us to grow old together - but not here!! - yet I can’t imagine going it alone. How deep rooted and entrenched our love for the mother country. I would dearly love to be in the same country as my 5 siblings and yes, there is also that absolute connection with the landscape, the birds, the light, the buildings, different accents, different villages, towns and cities..... even the Northern chain of shops - Booths. Love going into Booths. I also miss not being able to visit the graves of my parents and extended family. Guilt and longing to see mum when she was alive and I was here and now that she has passed I miss not visiting her resting place and still experience guilt and longing.

@MARYROSE02 love the third one. The Hovis bread advert music!! Boy on the bike. Ahhhhh

@Marisawright every word in your last post has me nodding in agreement. Completely relatable.

@Pendragon I hadn’t really thought about this until you mentioned it. Great idea for some psychology /counselling research project!

@Parley possibly - and it is such a waste to not ‘seize the day’. It’s not lost on me that only I can make the situation better rather than mope.

@Fergie- so true! From the ‘Let’s not think about starting a business just in case we go back.....’ to the ‘I’m not going to bother with meaningful friendships.....’ and the ‘it’s not my forever home so I’m not going to spend too much on decorating it ...’ 14 years on!! Not just a UK thing either - a Kiwi friend has done exactly the same as she’s pined for NZ.

@Chortlepuss- My mum lived in her home town for 89 years and our family home for 60 years. The family home - that I loved - is now sold. Losing the family home was another great sadness. So many memories and such a beautiful long garden. Yes - there’s nothing for me in my home town now - especially after not living there for over 30 years - but there’s still a deep and lasting attachment. I love your description of filling a petrol tank. So apt. I know I’m more suited to the weather in the UK too. I find the ever present bright blue sky and months of heat difficult. My husband - voice of rationality - reckons we’ve a far better life here. Theoretically he is right - house, suburb, wages etc but...... As has been said before - some will migrate and not have this long lasting home sickness yet for others it will always be there. @Fergie - I work with older adults and always remember a Scottish person in their 70’s or 80’s still missing Scotland and wishing they had never come here- they didn’t get back though. It’s heartening to read that you are feeling less anxious and can see light at the end of the tunnel. Yes - i don’t miss an opportunity to talk about England and I’ll always ask the question of a fellow migrant ‘Do you think you’ll ever go back?’ Suppose it comes back to the fact that I never disliked England, my life, family etc - just got caught up in the wave of my husband’s wish to migrate and the old ‘ we will just stay 2 years’ story seemed plausible at the time. Off subject (in a way) I find comfort in watching UK series - The A Word, Cold Feet, Last Tango in Halifax, After Life, The Detectorists ....... just gorgeous.

@Gary H - I hear you! I'm in Brisbane and hot and humid, every day in summer, takes it's toll.

@tea4too That is beautiful - thank you. Love it x

What lovely replies. I’m just recovering from surgery - that I probably didn’t really need (menopausal stuff!!) and reading your comments @Fergie and @Quoll is helpful!! (I’ve found having bloomin surgery can be a bit of a wake up call /line in the sand for what I want to focus on in life!) Fergie - without a shadow of a doubt - if we were just a couple I would have gone back years ago but..... throw children in the mix and it’s not that easy - despite what people say. Everything we do is with them in mind. We’ve been back nearly every 18 months ( hence why the mortgage is still bloody big) My last visit back was 2019/2020 when my gorgeous mum was in hospital (dementia) and then passed - - another story and heartbreaking but....I still experienced this “ inner peace” crap when back in my home county-able to drop my shoulders, exhale and be warmed by familiar Lancashire accents. Lovely soft winter light, familiar bird song and trees I knew the name of. It is just a sense of being “at home”. Amongst all the heartache with my beautiful mum - it still felt like home . Hubby knows how I feel yet even I get sick of hearing myself whinge and I’m trying to subdue this niggle. Who wants to listen to me constantly whinging?! (Poms in Oz is a great option to vent) Every time we’ve gone back I have loved it and cherish the memories of my boys spending time with their cousins, nanny, aunties and uncles- baking, playing in fields, canoeing - just being with the ones who will love them whatever... Quoll - good to hear your husband is supportive and is agreeable to visiting the UK again! Yes, my husband is happy to go back to visit but never live. And.... true we could be in such a worse position. As mentioned - my recent op has been a bit of a wake up call - doesn’t make it easier about here or there but bloody hell - I’m determined to try and live each day ( hackneyed) and find joy ‘cos at 52 life is whizzing by........ I’m trying my hardest to put things in perspective and have a bit of gratitude for all that I do have - but it really is a work in progress as times. There’s occasions I just want to weep; albeit not often.

I meant ‘glass half empty’!! I wish I was ‘glass half full’ The Pollyanna of my 20’s is long gone !

@Fergie @Quoll @Chortlepuss Your posts really resonate with me. 15 years post migration and I still log on to this forum!! - What does that say?! I know my home sickness will never go away and it’s always bubbling under the surface. There are times when I think it’s the most ludicrous thing that I’m doing - to be living on the other side of the world when I love my birth family, love England etc. Agreed to migrating here many years ago. Husband will never go back. Husband views UK very scathingly. ( Yet I’m scathing about so many aspects of here) Children - late teens - here is home. Youngest takes pride in being Australian. I feel envious of people who have stayed in one place all their life, have family around and no desire to go elsewhere. For years I’d talk about ‘ if we go back’ Now I’ve almost come to the resolution that we won’t - which, even though it’s a sad resignation, does help a bit. If our children moved to the northern hemisphere maybe it would be a different story. Quoll - absolutely agree about exogenous depression yet I think that as I’ve got older I’ve become more ‘ glass half full’ and it doesn’t help the situation. I don’t know any of you other than reading your posts but genuinely feel for you as it’s the most horrible way of living. I’m sure there’s some who think it’s just a self indulgent pity party and we’ve ‘got it good’ yet I’ve always seen it as ‘self imposed exile’ This forum helps me - helps to know that I’m not just a miserable old shite that needs to be thankful etc Fergie - I really wish you all the best. It’s a real turmoil and in no way easy. Sounds cliche and trite but pay attention to looking after you - in whatever way works.