Moving back to UK after 6+ years, unsure of decision.

[SarahW]

Hey, first time posting here but have been reading many similar threads to try and figure out what on earth to do.

So we have been living in Aus for 6+ years, moved here from the UK with my Aussie hubby (married over there and had several happy years together in the UK) and our two children both born in the UK. 
We moved mainly because hubby was super home sick after 10+ years in the UK and I agreed to have an adventure and try life in Aus. He was the driving force behind it and I spent many months in denial it was actually happening, but like so many others, here I am 6+ years later with a life in Australia!

It took me well over two years to actually settle here, only once we bought our house did I start to feel a bit better about things. Had a good period of feeling settled over around a two year period so we had another baby here who is now 2.5 years. Our other children are now 9 and 7, little Aussies who love our area, their school, running around barefoot, the sandy parks.
They came as little ones so don’t remember anything else. 

I have struggled with living away from family for most of the time we’ve been here, apart from a brief settled period, and I am struggling again now, this one has been pretty serious since around Christmas. We’ve managed to see my family often, around twice a year, until the pandemic hit. We had a reunion with my parents earlier in the year which was great. But this feeling of longing to be home is as present as ever, made worse by my parents knowing they need to prioritise renovating their house in the next few years. We don’t have the funds needed to afford the expensive flights at the moment. We are facing the fact that visits may need to slow down now but I don’t want that at all. I feel like I’m missing out on so much time with my parents and siblings, nieces and nephews, it eats away at me while I’m over here quite lonely and just longing to be there. 

Hubby and I have agreed to return to the UK for two years to fill up my emotional tanks, spend time with family, show the kids some of the UK, London, Lake District etc and some Europe. I’m just about to get citizenship so we know we can return, my hubby is already dual. We are trying to work out a timeline and action plan, but it all feels a bit of a concept at the minute than an actual thing we are doing and I’m not sure why?

I am worried that what we are planning is just all a bit crazy. We have a life here, my husband likes his job, kids are happy, we have a house, live in a good, maybe too quiet area. But there is nothing particularly wrong with life here except I feel this discontent, I don’t feel a deeper connection to this place an often wonder what we are doing living here. 

Im worried I’m ruining everyone’s lives because I want to be back with my family. I have friends here, but most of them are surrounded by family or good friendship groups, and it makes me feel even lonelier. 

Is needing to be back with family actually a good enough reason to uproot our lives? And in reality will two years back home be enough? Has anyone moved with kids aged 9 and 7? I’m so worried they will struggle with the move. 

But I see a window of time before my eldest starts high school, where we could *try* a life back home/have a break/ start again.

Has anyone else done it? Sorry for the long post! 

 

[Marisawright]

At that age, the kids will adapt very fast and they'll have no trouble whatsoever.  They'll whinge a bit at first, that's all.  The funniest thing is that when you are ready to move back again, they'll whinge just as much about that!   The only time it's a real problem is in the later years of high school when they're grappling with HSC subjects. If you stayed for 4 years instead of 2, your eldest wouldn't have any major problems transferring schools.

Is needing to be back with family actually a good enough reason to uproot your lives?  You did it for your husband, didn't you?  If it's good enough for him, why isn't it good enough for you?  

The problem is that 2 years won't "fill up your tanks".  If that's what you're hoping for, I think it'll be a waste of money. You'll come back and find you're in exactly the same place you were before -- or worse, because you know how good you felt while you were home.  

I feel for you because obviously, whichever country you choose, one of you will be unhappy.  And it's not going to be practical to, for instance, move back and forth every 10 years. 

You mention the area is too quiet.  This might be playing a much bigger part in your unhappiness than you think.   Do you live close to your husband's family and former friends? Sometimes that can be the worst thing to do, because it constantly reminds you of what you don't have.   Can you see other suburbs or towns where you'd find more activities you would enjoy?  Maybe you could say to your husband, "I've given up all my friends and my family so you could be closer to yours.  I deserve something to compensate for that, and it would make a big difference to my happiness if we could move somewhere livelier".  

 

[SarahW]

We have discussed moving to another state, and have really been keen from time to time to trial a move. But deep down inside there’s this voice that’s saying “oh but I just want to go home”. I think even if we moved in our own state somewhere livelier with more going on or another state for a big change, it’d still be there, this feeling like I want to go home. 
 

My husband’s family are 1.5 hours away so not too far and not too close. He’s part of a big family, quite a close family, and I often feel on the periphery. I hoped my MIL would take me under her wing as a daughter when we moved but I very much feel like a daughter in law and not close enough to her as I’d like to be. But I remember they never asked us to move here.

My hubby has many siblings including 4 sisters, I get on really well with 2 of them. I see them all enjoying family time together and feel like I’m in the wrong place, like I should be with my family. There’s so many of them I feel like I’m not needed here but my family is so small, we are a huge part of that. Definitely I’m in the wrong place and I just can’t shake it.

Thanks for the reassurance about the kids, I think you’re right and my husband says the same that they will adapt. I’d rather do it now than wait any longer, I think it’ll only get harder. 

Maybe I need to just focus on the move and not worry too much about what happens post move and just take that in our stride? A bit like what we did when we moved here but in reverse… 

[Charlie777]

Hi!

I don’t know if this is still active, I was just reading your comment @SarahW and I was in your position, felt like I was reading something I had written. 
My children are now 10 and 4, although both born in Oz, my hubby is Australian. We were over there for just over 10 years and probably after about 2 years there I knew I wanted to come home to the UK. I felt everything you felt and completely understand where your head and heart is at. 
We moved back to the UK in April last year after 5 years of planning, and have never looked back. My kids are in a lovely school here, we are surrounded by family and friends again, and everything that means home to me. My husband misses Oz but agreed that after 10+ years there it was time to make the move before the kids got too old. 

I love the lifestyle here maybe because I’m English but the history, the weather, the country, Christmas! I love it all! 
I’m so grateful we were able to make the move, the hole in my heart is full and couldn’t imagine moving back to Australia, I am so much happier here. 
I’d definitely talk to your husband, you’re not spoiling anyones life by saying what you want too, this is your life as well and don’t get to a point in your life where it’s no longer a choice, whether it happens or not, talk it out, I think your 2 year plan is good and you may come back and decide that’s enough to go back and enjoy your life in Oz or it could cement your stance, either way you need to know to ‘close’ the page, otherwise you’ll never know and be in a state of curiosity. 
 

All the best, hope everything works out for you. 

[benj1980]

I haven't made the move back so maybe my opinion is null and void really. But I think uprooting everything is a bit crazy for two years. If it is to stay for ever then I understand but the cost alone for those two years is significant. I'd suggest simply going back by yourself first for a mini holiday and take stock before committing to something as radical as that. My children are very happy here in Oz and they're very keen to go the UK for holidays but not a permanent arrangement. I'm always intrigued by the Ping Pong Poms with a family ie children. Such a huge undertaking!

[SarahW]

Hi everyone, thank you for the replies, just an update. 
 

So we are doing it! House goes on the market in a matter of weeks, we have 18 boxes packed and are going to travel around Aus in our caravan before heading to UK around Easter. Hoping for a smooth house sale and all to go well.

It has been emotional for the kids, especially my eldest. But he is coming round to the idea. I completely agree about the huge undertaking it is, in fact it’s making us think whether or not it is a one way ticket, at least until the kids are older. But we will see how we go, the future is very big and no one can see what will happen. If we do come back, I think it will have been worth it. 
 

It does seem huge to move back with kids as well but honestly, living unhappily is no way to live. Life is so short and precious, my kids will understand when they’re adults that we do what is best for our mental health, I’m sure of that.

Very excited for our future and just trying to stay calm and focused on the situation. 

[calNgary]

2 hours ago, SarahW said:

Hi everyone, thank you for the replies, just an update. 
 

So we are doing it! House goes on the market in a matter of weeks, we have 18 boxes packed and are going to travel around Aus in our caravan before heading to UK around Easter. Hoping for a smooth house sale and all to go well.

It has been emotional for the kids, especially my eldest. But he is coming round to the idea. I completely agree about the huge undertaking it is, in fact it’s making us think whether or not it is a one way ticket, at least until the kids are older. But we will see how we go, the future is very big and no one can see what will happen. If we do come back, I think it will have been worth it. 
 

It does seem huge to move back with kids as well but honestly, living unhappily is no way to live. Life is so short and precious, my kids will understand when they’re adults that we do what is best for our mental health, I’m sure of that.

Very excited for our future and just trying to stay calm and focused on the situation. 

Did you get your citizenship? I would imagine having that will take a lot of pressure off you all.

 Lots of luck with everything and enjoy travelling Aus

          Cal x

[SarahW]

Yes I did so all duals now, which is good. 

[calNgary]

5 hours ago, SarahW said:

Yes I did so all duals now, which is good. 

You have the best of both worlds then so thats great, go and enjoy.

     Cal x